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AM I WRONG?

On my last blog I mentioned that Patrick and I had drove 45 minutes each way to go to the University in a neighboring town for speech therapy, but when we got there, we were told it had been canceled. They had known that Patrick's parents would be taking him to the next visit, so I had assumed that they had called me early one morning and I had simply forgot the coversation. Needless to say, I was embarrassed that we had driven all that way, and they believed that I had known it had been cancele

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Not -so-normal Thursday

Today did not go as planned. Usually, Thursdays are me and Patrick's "busy" day. A typical Thursday schedule looks like this:   Make sure Brandon is off to school by 7:50am. Leave the house by noon to get the the University 45 minutes away for our 1pm speech appointment. Work with the therapist for an hour, drive the 45 minute stretch back home, going directly to our 3pm Saeboflex appointment. Be home by 4:15 and meet Patrick's personal assistant who usually does more speech therapy with hi

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The feeling has passed

Well, I know longer feel restless. I finally got some cleaning done around the house, and that for the moment seems to have filled the void.   Now I realize few people enjoy housework (but there are a few sick and twisted one who do), and let me tell you, I don't either. The day-to-day cleaning was always Patrick's territory before the stroke. Deep cleaning, organization, and "downsizing" have always been mine. I finally inherited my Grandma Darrah's "if you aren't using it, get rid of it" ge

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Restless

I have a restless spirit today. Actually, for the last few days. It's like I have this yearning to do something that sits under the surface waiting to manifest, but never does. It's that damn sneeze that builds and builds and then ...nothing.   I am the book with no pages. The canvas with no paint. The song with no melody.   It's a very strange sensation. There is an emptiness that can not be filled until I know what is missing.   Kristen            

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Looking Back

While getting ready for bed last night, Patrick grabbed a small photo album that sits on our dresser and began flipping through the pages. It is filled with photos my mom had taken of our rehersal dinner and our wedding day. As he was going through each page one by one, he would smile, and I could see a look of wistfulness in his eyes. He was remembering what he was like pre-stroke.   He would find a photo of interest, and show it to me, saying a word here and there to give me a clue to what

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Jenny

This blog is long and about the murder of my friend. I have chosen to publish it in order to own the event as part of my life, an event I had buried after the "in your face" media sensation ended. I apologize if this seems in any way inappropriate, this is not my intention.   I've been psychoanalyzing the life altering events of my life quite a bit in the last few weeks. Many of the events I can pin point exactly how the event changed me. Others, I am not sure exactly HOW I changed, I just k

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My husband, the elephant

My husband, Patrick, must have been an elephant in a previous life. Not only is he republican, but he has an incredible memory.   If we were driving around his old stomping grounds, he would point to a house and tell me who use to live there, and with a twinkle in his eye and a smile on his face, a little anicdote about a related adventure he had had there.   It didn't really matter if I knew the person he was referring to or not, or if he had told me the story the last ten times we went

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Days Off???

My two days off have come and gone in a blurr. Yesterday I tried to finish up the Christmas shopping, and had felt like the finish line was in sight. I stayed up until 2am wrapping them all. It really shouldn't have taken that long, but I was already tired and I had to disguise the gifts so my boys wouldn't know what they were getting as soon as they saw the boxes. Trying to figure out what misc. household items I could use to help keep the gifts from shifting around in the boxes and adding wei

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Dan Millman Quotes

I have nothing else to blog about, so why not share someone elses thoughts for a bit.   "Wake up! If you knew for certain you had a terminal illness--if you had little time left to live--you would waste precious little of it! Well, I'm telling you...you do have a terminal illness: It's called birth. You don't have more than a few years left. No one does! So be happy now, without reason--or you will never be at all.

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Do you have my Christmas spirit, ?

Do you have my Christmas spirit, and if so, can I have some back? I keep trying to get in the mood, but it's not working.   Absolutly every aspect of it seems like a hassle: putting up the tree (okay, it's more about taking it down), buying presents for people when I have no idea WHO I am buying for let alone what they want, finding the time to buy the unknown gifts, driving the 3.5 hours to SIL's to "celebrate", taking the dog to the kennel, wrapping gifts, work...it just goes on and on.

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I can still make him smile

Tonight I took home my step-son from his weekend visit. Actually, I didn't take him all the way home, we meet halfway most of the time, including tonight.   It began to flurry a bit which was nerve racking. I don't have the best night vision anyway, and seeing the snow look like it could come right through the windsheild did not help. To add to it, I get nervous on wet/slippery roads, especially when passing semi's and around bends in the road. The reason for the curve thing is because I was

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It's not Christmas unless...

It's not really Christmas unless...     10) I've seen my favorite Christmas movies,THE REF, and A CHRISTMAS STORY at least 5 times each. I also like to squeeze in CHRISTMAS VACATION and the original MIRACLE ON 34th STREET. Natalie Wood was such a cutie.   9) I've still got presents to buy on Christmas eve. Sometimes I think all I have left is stocking stuffers until I remember (hopefully) the presents I forgot to buy.   8) The lights won't come on on the Christmas tree and I have to go

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I didn't sign up for this

"I didn't sign up for this."   This is the exact phrase that ran through my mind at one point right after Patrick's stroke. It only ran through for a moment, and I immediately pushed it aside, ashamed I'd even thought it. But it was a real thought all my own, no one else to blame. I thought it.   It is very hard to explain to someone else how such a thought can even cross your mind. I tried to explain to a friend at work who had told me he admired how I was handling everything that had

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More TG Tips

I have nothing good/exciting to blog about, so I thought I

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All numb inside?

Today was part II of IV of my root canal/crown. Yes, I know you are all jealous, try to contain yourself.   I got to get jacked up with lots of novacain though, and I could not feel anything on the left side of my face including my left nostril and sinus all the way up to my eye. While playing with my face, biting in the inside of my cheek and flicking my nose to see what it felt like (I was bored, the dentist was gone forever while waiting for the novacain to take effect) I began to wonder:

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Your room is ready and waiting

This is a long one-sorry.   I have been to the ER 4 times in the last month. I feel like as soon as I walk in the door they shouldn't even need to ask for a name. Yes, the address is the same, no the insurance hasn't changed, yes, the birthday is correct. Which room of eternal pergatory would you like us to wait in today?   One visit was for me, one for my son. These two visits lasted about 3 hours each, and everything was basically okay with us. The other two visits were for my husband.

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our "haunted bed & breakfast" visit

I posted this along time ago (I have edited it a bit), but in The Spirit of Halloween, I'd thought I'd post it again. Skip to the end of the blog if you'd enjoy visiting the link (click on MY that is underlined, i don't know what I did, but it works ) to the bed and breakfast and check out the photos or read the story of the mansion. The bedroom on that page is actually our room that night.     I dig "supernatural" topics. No UFO's... I like ghosts, ESP, and stuff like that. I have never h

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Too busy to think

It has been an interesting week. Not all good, not all bad. Guess I'll start with Sunday and work my way through.   Last Sunday- While I am at work my son calls me to tell me he's fallen off his skateboard and feels sick and is having trouble seeing. I left work (thankfully there was another manager on duty) and took him to the ER to check for a concussion. This is my second trip to this ER in two weeks, the last one was for me when I had a dental emergency and gave myself a panic attack at 2

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The blahs

I don't know what it is, but it seems the blahs are going around here-especially with the caregivers- and I'm no exception. Oh, I know what is bothering me, but I have to wonder...Is it the the phase of the moon; are we caregivers on some sort of cycle similar to that of women who live together; are the blahs contagious through the computer like a real life virus; or am I just seeing it in this light because thats the frame of mind I'm in???   I know I am down because our assistant told us th

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Cousin's Wedding

The wedding went off WITH a hitch (and a glitch), but it did happen nontheless. The wedding was at 1pm and we arrived at the church about 20 minutes early. We took our seats the in pew with the rest of the family that had already arrived, and soon we had a few relatives squeezing their way to the end where we were sitting to say hi. Meanwhile, there was a pianist and two different (folk music-style) soloists who took turns playing and singing to us. At 1pm, we noticed the pianist kept looking at

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Upstaging the bride?

We have been looking forward to this coming weekend for a while now. Patrick's cousin is getting married Saturday and we have been planning to go for some time now. I am glad it's finally upon us!   He is close to his cousin, as cousins go. She almost feels like a 5th sister in Patrick's family. She has had alot of very serious medical challanges herself in the last few years, and it's really good to see a day of joy come her way. I met her fiance while Patrick was in the hospital, and they s

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"I hate them all"

I need to borrow the phrase from my chat room partner-in-crime, "I hate them all". Because today, I do.   Last Thursday morning we had an appointment scheduled for an evaluation for Patrick to get a Saeboflex. We were mistakenly set up for a PT session, and the therapist we needed to see was subsiquently not there. "They" rescheduled it and gave us $5 in McDonalds gift certs for our inconvinience.   A little later that afternoon, "they" found a clot in Patrick's calf while trying to det

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Mom's contest results

Well, I haven't gotten a chance to actually speak to my mom yet, but she left me a voice message telling me the results. She was not the $10,000 winner of the Build a better burger contest, but she did say she was enjoying the trip.   All 10 contestants got to stay at the Sutter Home (the sponsor) Bed and Breakfast for two nights, and she and my step dad are spending an additional 2 nights in San Francisco doing their own thing since they have never been.   I went to the http://buildabette

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acceptance denial hope loss

Thinking out loud.   How do you know when it's time to face the facts so that you can begin to accept it and hopefully move on? Should you ever try to come to terms with what has been lost, or should you never accept them with the idea that if you don't, you might still be able to recover the loss? What I mean is, if for example you lost the ability to use your hand, is there a time when you should just accept that its never coming back so you can stop spending energy and time on something ho

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