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About this blog

still sorting life out

Entries in this blog

moan...sorry

Sometimes it is hard not to moan. I know I no longer have Ray to look after but also I now no longer have someone to look after me. The kids have gone back to their lives and I welcome that but it leaves me without those advisors that helped me get through the caregiving part of my life so well.   Disaster struck here at home yesterday when I was away having a "day out" with Pamela and her children. I had had the little ones over night because Pamela had an early medical appointment yesterda

swilkinson

swilkinson

Roll on November

As of the first of November I am allowed to travel . It has been a long time coming. I have been fully vaccinated since the end of June but the State government has been slow to release us from the Greater Sydney area.. But that is set to change on November 1st. We will still be masked and social distanced but we can move around again. Now that is something to be happy about.   During lockdown and the past three weeks my life has been very routine. Gardening has been a life saver, some

swilkinson

swilkinson in General

Feels like snow

No it is not snowing but the wind is howling around the house, the wind chill factor is making it feel around zero and I am only going outside when I have too. Sitting reading or crocheting or even mending which I hate is better than being outside. I wanted to do some gardening today but that will have to wait till the sun is out again. The weeds still grow regardless and I need to go on topping up the potplants but it is not worth risking a cold on a day like today. I get my second Covid shot n

swilkinson

swilkinson in General

Short days of rain

It had to come, short rainy days, dark nights and I have to go out tonight! But apart from that life is back to being routine, I am going to meetings, out to lunch about once a week, keeping up with friends again. There are still people who go out very rarely but that is really motivated by their own fears. There is very little chance of Covid infection. I feel sorry for those who listen to the many rumours floating around about the vaccinations and are afraid to have one but I have had my first

swilkinson

swilkinson in General

Thank you Steve Mallory

Why are you still on Strokenet my friends ask me. Why are you still talking about stroke nearly eight years after Ray died? Why haven't you moved on with your life? Well I have moved on but moving on does not mean you have to move away from those things that have been valuable to you in the past. . And to me Strokenet has been of huge value in my life and the lives of Ray and my family. Discovering Strokenet made a big difference to the way I lived my life, dealt with Ray's strokes and came out

swilkinson

swilkinson

My secret place

Life does not always go the way we plan. Sometimes when I am sad and lonely and I want to give myself a lift I lay down and shut my eyes and go to my secret place. It is a rose garden. The scenery is based on a real garden in a little country town I have visited but the nice thing is that in my meditation it is whatever I want it to be. I can build a pergolas and cover it in pink roses. I can put garden seats along a long wall. I can even have a fountain if I want to, it is my secret place.

swilkinson

swilkinson

A health scare and time to think

On the 23rd of August my life took a dramatic turn.  I had had a small mole behind my left  knee, I had it checked out a couple of times over the years but it was assessed as harmless.  Years went by with my time taken up as caregiver to Ray and then as a widow and I filled my life with busyness, trivial in itself but filling an otherwise empty life.  I ignored the little spot as it grew bigger and suddenly I realised it had really changed and so I went to my GP who referred me to the local Skin

swilkinson

swilkinson

Fruit salad or Irish stew?

Each week I do certain things, visit my old ladies, catch up with friends over coffee, do some housework, some gardening, maybe have some time reading in the sun. Officially I have days off from the church work Monday and Wednesday but that really is a fallacy. We are trying to set up a lunch group on Fridays to follow the Coffee Morning, a soup and a roll lunch for some of our church people but also people who come to us for welfare. So three Wednesdays in a row I have attended one of those mee

swilkinson

swilkinson

Relating to Mama Mia

I just watched Mama Mia, watched the joy of youth, the fun of middle age and the insanity that sometimes comes over us. It was a wreck of a day today, high winds, heaps of rain, dull, miserable and awful weather for my 69th birthday but I enjoyed every minute of it. I had Shirley my daughter and her husband and kids here over night so we had breakfast, what my grandson calls "BIG Breakfast", bacon, eggs, mushrooms, tomato, potatoes and baked beans, Christopher loves it and the others say "you

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swilkinson

The benefits of being part of a support site

Just talking on chat with Host Sally about how we need older people in our lives to guide us, to be the guides, counselors, encouragers, earth mothers, wise women and agony aunts. We also need strong men who have wisdom, the answers grown out of experience, the time to sit and help us work out a solution. In other words we need each other. We need to get out of our generational group and take heed of what others see. I find this in the church too and in the other organisations I belong to. I

swilkinson

swilkinson

not moaning, just saying

Today I am thinking how nice it would be to have someone to tell me : "there, there, it will all be okay soon." Yesterday was not a good day. I went to a church meeting, did my part of the service, just a reading, didn't stay for morning tea as I was feeling sick, got out of the car in my driveway and I was sick. I was lucky to get out of the car I guess. Was sick on and off for a while and then had a shower and spent most of the day laying down, feeling sad and sorry for myself. That is when I

swilkinson

swilkinson

another week with it's own challenges

Just had a couple of sad days, an old friend died, I didn't get invited to a 50th birthday party while some of my friends did,life is not happening in the way I want it to. Nothing major, just the usual small stuff. The sorting out and throwing away is also getting to me. It is so relentless. I hate to see things Ray valued just thrown away but it all has to go eventually, I know that. So much bad news lately, it seems as if the world is less stable than usual.News of illnesses suffered by old

swilkinson

swilkinson

some anxious moments

I went to the Stroke Recovery meeting this morning, I decided that I would pay another year of dues. I don't go every month but I still like the folk who go there, the caregivers and the survivors, so it is good to keep up with them. I am not the caregiver any more but no-one seems concerned about that. I am just Sue. And that seems to be good enough. So next weekend I am going to the Womens Weekend. I wondered if I should as I am not a current caregiver but everyone seemed to think I should

swilkinson

swilkinson

is loneliness part of middle age?

I seem to be lonely again. It happens from time to time, the usual routine folds up for some reason, Ray gets extra tired so we don't go out as much. Then the family get busy, busy busy with their own lives and we hardly see them. The world around us seems to grow quiet, Ray goes off for a nap and I am left here feeling lonely and a little out of sorts and maybe a bit sorry for myself.   I don't think this is altogether about being a caregiver to a stroke survivor although that has certain

swilkinson

swilkinson

fairies and fire engines

Now Ray has been at Woy Woy for a while I am getting used to the drive there and back. I pass a few suburbs rather than go through them but there is a lot to see. It is as familiar to me as most of the routes of my life having done it so many times in 1999, again for four weeks in 2000 and 2001. There haven't been a lot of changes so I can almost do it with my eyes shut. I keep them open though as it has tricky bits, like school zones, buses turning and a few busy roundabouts.   Today I c

swilkinson

swilkinson

small improvements

There is a light at the end of the tunnel, at the moment it is just a tiny pinprick of light but it is there. Ray is "walking" with the help of two nurses, a gait belt and what is called a "full arm high walker". He walked to the shower and back yesterday ( about a dozen steps each way) and today walked out to the nurses desk and back ( about twenty steps each way). His pain level the nurses now describe as "manageable with mild pain killers" so no more morphine.Yeah!!   I have had some ea

swilkinson

swilkinson

gunna and dunnit

In Oz we call a guy who keeps saying he will do something and doesn't "Gunna" as a nickname.   A friend passed me a joke recently: "There once were two brothers. The father called them together and asked what plans they had for the future. The older son was quiet for the moment. The younger son said: "Gunna plant wheat in that top paddock Pa." the older brother said: "Dunnit." The younger brother said: "Gunna put an order in for the new tractor Pa." the older brother said:"Dunnit." The

swilkinson

swilkinson

mixed messages again

I had two phone calls tonight. To each of the callers I made the statement :"Ray has had five strokes so he needs me to answer for him." In the first instance I got a very terse reply and the caller hung up. As this one was from our life insurance company and was supposed to give me a run-down on options for the cashing in of one of Ray's policies she is going to have me complain to her supervisor tomorrow.   I am sick of explaining that Ray had had five strokes so therefore he can't - un

swilkinson

swilkinson

how lucky?

I enjoyed chat this morning, Wednesday for me,Tuesday night your time. It was good that there were a mixture of survivors and caregivers that came along. We are here to help each other. The caregivers can tell the story from their side, the hardships of changed finances, the burden of constant care, the great feeling that your survivor is just that a SURVIVOR and you can be happy he/she is still with you. The survivors help the caregivers to round out the picture, what if feels like to be a s

swilkinson

swilkinson

talking to myself

Well, that was a bit of an anticlimax. I told Pam I would host Caregiver chats 8pm New York time Tuesday nights. She said we would keep it low key, no big announcements etc. I guess that probably wasn't the best approach. How will people know I am there if they aren't aware that caregiver chats are starting?   Anyhow I set my computer up and sat in chat, notebook at the ready, welcome sign on - and read my diary. I found an old one from 1994, the months leading up to going to college. L

swilkinson

swilkinson

babies, worries and being on call

What a week that was. Last Friday when Pamela had her regular check-up it was not good news, blood pressure too high, bloodwork showing trouble with kidneys etc, usual late pregnancy thing. She was told to take it easy over the weekend and come back on Monday. Mondays results still not good news so eventually she was ordered into hospital. The family rallied around, Trevor moved over to their house to be standby carer for Tori, Steve got some leave and went back to hospital to be with Pamela

swilkinson

swilkinson

changes

Just talking to Kristen (givincare) who is in a hotel room preparing to move tomorrow. She had thoughts that her son would not move with them some time back. I know what that feels like as I was seven when we moved from England to Australia. We were called "ten Pound Poms" as the Australian government subsidised the trip to encourage migrants and each adult paid just ten British Pounds.   We came to Australia on a ship called the "New Australia". She had first been commissioned in 1923 an

swilkinson

swilkinson

birthday's blessing

:chat: and :beer: and :happybday: and :cheer: :cheer: :cheer: were the order of the day yesterday. We had planned a BBQ at a local beauty spot but the winds blew at gale force, there was a light rain, freezing conditions and so we all finished up here. Not too bad, we are blessed with a family that doesn't mind being squashed in together and so Trev barbecued, seven littlies ran around the place and the rest of us found enough utensils so we didn't have to eat with our fingers. There was

swilkinson

swilkinson

look, look, my life is an open book

I have been thinking about secrets. Hard not to with Pam's posting to think about. My life has always been an open book. If people want to ask me a question usually I give them an answer. This does not always apply to bodily functions. How I hate the question:"Have we opened our bowels today?" that you get from sweet faced nurses after operations. Of which I have had several. The answer is usually:"I have, how about you?"   Yesterday we went to the "new" church Ray and I will be going

swilkinson

swilkinson

you're a winner

"Congratulations Mrs *W* you are our grand prize winner for today. You just won yourself a trip to the Bahamas" so said some enthusiastic American voice at the end of my phone line. She was less than enthusiastic when I told her I had an invalid husband, no money to fly anywhere right now, and no time to listen to her spiel. Well lucky me, on a Carers Pension, with a husband who's had five strokes, living on the East Coast of Australia and they are giving me a holiday in the Bahamas!!!! Just w

swilkinson

swilkinson