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About this blog

still sorting life out

Entries in this blog

Time goes by

This time of the year, mid winter, time seems to stand still. There is not a lot to do. A dull grey day doesn't encourage me to do much, a bit of gardening if it is sunny, a few hours in the shopping centre if it is raining. A lot of my spare time I read, get onto my computer, watch some television, often cooking programs rather than movies or dramas. I usually crochet as I watch TV so just look up occasionally to see what the dish being cooked looks like. I get out as much as I can and as much

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swilkinson in General

Looking ahead but not too far

Every now and again something jolts me back to reality, today it was the post on Facebook by Steve Mallory announcing that our friend Denny (Dennis Jeffries) had died. Denny and I talked frequently during my years when he was a chat host on Survivor Chat and I was chat host for Caregiver Chat. He was also my friend on Facebook. Like so many of my friends on Facebook and Strokenet we never got to meet in person but nonetheless we were friends. In this modern age this will be so for many of our fr

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bye bye summer, winter's on the way

What do I do with my time? Life seems to be full on at present with the new minister not selected yet and a lot of my time taken up with extra church services and of course visiting in nursing homes. I now have nine little old ladies to visit, two of them are personal, a lovely lady Lion who had a stroke and has been in a nursing home now for four years and my daughter's godmother who lives in the assisted living units in the same complex. The rest are church people but now in two facilities n

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the time between

Most of you know that Ray died on 19th September, late in the afternoon. I haven't got the death certificate but likely cause is the pneumonia he couldn't get rid of plus a lot of other factors. As we all know Ray has been seriously ill for some time. I had been with him most of that day and the three days before but had gone home to have a shower and come back. A nurse rang for me to go back but he died before I got there. I was relieved as he had been struggling to breathe, for two days ha

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swilkinson

Mum's gone to Heaven now

So much has happened since my last blog. Looking at it now it seems as if all that happened months ago but it is only a week ago.   My Mum died on Tuesday morning 5.20 am. She is finally at peace. I am glad and sad at the same time. I was with her all last Sunday afternoon and most of Monday. At 6pm on Monday one of the nurses told me to go home and get some rest. You can imagine how that didn't happen! As if I could sleep with her so close to death. At 5.30am Tuesday morning the phone ra

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rejoining the world

While I was in a daze for most of the last two months because of Ray's death I won't mourn for Mum in the same way. My mother was scornful of the sorrowful, she would say: "Look at them sitting there with long faces." so I will not mourn her. I will try to be as philosophical as those people who tell me "she was old" ( I know that), " she is in a better place" (I know that too) and she wouldn't want me to "sit around with a long face" (true). So I am trying to rejoin life again.   I have j

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swilkinson

Living on angel time.

I went to see the neurosurgeon on Tuesday. I was interviewed by a young Asian associate doctor and sent for a 3D MRI and angiogram, a brand new way of showing  the blood supply within the brain. The results were given to me by the associate and then I saw the specialist. It appears the aneurysm is larger and deeper than previously thought but at my age they are not going to operate as it would mean a full brain surgery. Coiling, one method of dealing with an aneurysm, is not an option. I think I

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reflections on grief

I can't believe I had three phone calls today telling me why friends were not at Mum's funeral yesterday. Forget it friends, you were not there. But Mum was 94, had been out of circulation for twelve years and so I was not surprised that only fifty people came. Really only four of her friends, my church friends and mine and my sister's families were there. So today why do I need to know who was not there, well I know that already, and why? Just send a card folks, that is all you need to do.

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more seizures

It seems we have come to a new turn in the road. Ray had a serious seizure on Tuesday and fell off the shower chair. It took four women (no men available) to right him and get him onto the lifter as he was only semi-conscious and in an awkward position under the hand basin. One was very worried as it was her first "lift". He spent the rest of Tuesday and all of Wednesday in bed.   Then he had another attempted fall and possible seizure today and again in the bathroom but this time one of the c

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a strange thing happened this morning

This morning I set out as usual to see Mum. When I got to the Nursing Home the door to her room was shut so instead of leaning against the wall for 20 minutes I went into the hostel part to see an old friend. I visit her about twice a month and she accepts that, every visitor she gets is very welcome she tells me. She was a member of my old church so I told her I was meeting a few ladies for lunch today, she always says "maybe I will come with you next time" but she never does.   When I got

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winter..humbug

I just hate the sound of the wind howling, the rain slashing, the waves (two streets over) hitting the rocks and that lonesome feeling that comes calling again. Why am I alone, why am I here by myself, where are the friends and family that should be supporting me? I know they all wish me well but that is the extent of their care. I so hate being alone some days.   I have been out to see Ray as usual. A wet Saturday and not a lot of visitors are around because of the weather. There are musi

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remembering to breathe

It is two weeks today since the funeral. My daughter and family are still here and go home tomorrow. Then the house will be quiet and empty and I will learn what it is like to cope with that for however long I need to. I still have that moment when I look at the clock mid-morning and say to myself: "Time to go and see Ray". It is like an automatic reflex and remains programmed into my brain. I still listen for his breathing in the night come to that and it has been well over a year since he

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swilkinson

a blog for today

No chat today so this is a blog to add comments to about what you are facing today. Remember it is a public blog so others can see it.   I am sorry that this is happening right now as I know it is frustrating not to be able to meet up with your friends in this way.   My today is a hot one and I have a lot of clothes flapping on the clothesline. Edie has been having a lot of trouble with blood pressure during this pregnancy so she is at Prenatal Clinic today and then goes to work, Trev is a

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This is what you "need" to do...arrggh!

I am recently widowed and mentally I am still a mess. I plod on, day by day, doing what housework and yardwork has to be done, shopping, visiting Mum, keeping a smile on my face. People are kind and rush up to me in shopping centres to tell me how they only just heard Ray has passed away, how sorry they are etc and I just want to scream. By the time I have thanked them and they move on I find I need to rush to the rest rooms and have a few tears (stress release), wash my face and compose myse

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dealing with how it is

Ray has pneumonia again. I don't think he actually gets over one chest infection before starting another. He aspirates food into his lungs all the time so sets up bacterial infections in his lungs. Antibiotics work on the side effects eg pneumonia but you cannot vacuum out what is left of the infection in the lungs and start again. So the next cycle of infection begins.   This means I have spent a lot of time with Ray the past week, longer hours as I go earlier to sort out what is happening

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learning to be diplomatic

With Ray in full-time care now I face a lot of events that are beyond my control owing to policies of the facility in which he lives. For me as a former full-time caregiver and now a supervisor of his in-residence care I am having to learn a whole lot of new diplomatic skills to deal with new situations.   I have laid down a policy for them to follow on all sorts of circumstances, what to do if he has a bad virus, what to do if he stops breathing (yes, do send him to hospital) what to do to b

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one month gone

I am slowly, oh so slowly, breathing in the reality of Ray's death. It is easy to fill my days with busyness, to cook, clean, weed, shop, exercise, walk and find so much to do to fill my days. There are still a lot of tasks to do, I have just finished writing the "thank you for the flowers" letters, 8 of them, to loving and thoughtful friends and thanks yous to the three Clubs we belonged to that also sent flowers. The lilies we put on Ray's grave, the rest I had here until they faded and died.

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renewing friendships

Friendship- I often say I have no friends but of course it is not true. I have kept friends from every part of my life. From my time in England I have the cousins who write to me at Christmas and the granddaughter of the old man next door who writes, rings and home hosted Ray and I in England in 1994 and 1998. She is a long distance friend who I cherish and long to be with again.   Tonight we had a phone call from an old friend from my pre-teens, inviting us to dinner with them at a local cl

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Probably my last Womens Weekend

In the face of such adversity as Sandy brought to a lot of Americans my problems are small. I just came home from my Womens Weekend and have been sitting here in tears. I have to say "goodbye" to women I love so much. I will go on with the WAGS group until Christmas, enjoy the Christmas party with them and then decide when it is time to fade away.   It is like that feeling you had as a child when you went to your favourite holiday spot and on the last day, after packing up and piling into th

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small steps

I've had a bad week this week. Partly due to the huge changes to the block of land next door. The house was demolished over a month ago, now they are reshaping the land. Starting at 7am four mornings in a row, the digger roared into life and the resulting constant noise and dust really upset me. The digger dragged down what was left of my fence and took half of the garden with it. Too late afterwards for the machine operator to say: "oh sorry" and ot course no intention of doing anything about i

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the third draft

I have finally ( I think) found a more peaceful place. I went to the old support group at Mum's nursing home and spoke about beng a widow and did not cry. I think that is progress. I think going to the grief counselling has really helped. I can now articulate what I feel and not get choked up. It was good to experience that today. One dear lady whose husband died about the same time as Ray still sits with a handkerchief to her face and cries for the hour. She is older and is lost without

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small niggley worries

Ray is sitting in the comfy chair asleep when I got to the nursing home today. I was nearly two hours later than usual as I went to a meeting that went an hour and a half longer than it should have. It was a meeting I did need to be at though. Ray was asleep so I sat and read for a while. That gives me something to do. Evenually he woke up and I gave him the drink on his tray. I found a spoon in his drawer to feed it to him with. Thickened drinks go thicker as time passes so this one was

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having mixed feelings about Christmas

Sometimes I think about how excited I used to be when Christmas was just days away. When I was a small child my parents were not well off, we had come to Australia with very little money and I used to get just one gift, it was marked "love from Mum and Dad". I used to envy the children in our street who had aunts and uncles, cousins and grandparents close by as well as their Mum and Dad who gave them presents and small keepsakes. I did have relatives but they all lived in England or Canada an

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small mercies

Ray did have a good birthday, quieter than the Father's Day picnic as only my daughter and family and Trevor came to have lunch with him, everyone else being busy with their own lives. I did tell them one or the other if they couldn't manage both so I was okay with it. Ray enjoyed being out in the sun, he enjoyed the fuss, the birthday cake I skilfully blended into a bowl of custard, the extra attention from his daughter, son, son-in-law and grandchildren. He was very sleepy though so it was

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bogged down in winter blues

If I was a singer I would sing a sad song. The bogged down in winter blues. Yes, it is still raining, wet, cold and miserable and Ray has had pneumonia since early last week so I have been spending five or six hours a day at his bedside and I am tired. There I've vented so maybe I will feel better soon. I also have sinusitus so I guess that is making me less able to cope too. Ugh, I hate winter, please, please, please roll on summer.   I went to three funerals last week. The second and th

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