my name is kerry and i am codependent
i think
this is something i am learning about and do not fully understand
i was first told that i was codependent by my husband about 4 years ago
he was in rehab recovering from a drug dependency
one of the first things he told me when he came home was about my codependency issues
i of course figured he was just looking for someone to blame for his addictions
so i got all defensive and went on line and started to read up
i get told this alot
wow you are so strong
you are amazing
how do you do it
you must be exhausted
i hate it
i hate hearing how strong people think i am
how amazing
being asked how i do it
if i am exhausted
i hate it because
i dont feel strong
i am not amazing
i have no idea how i do it
and i am so exhausted i cannot think straight
but instead i smile and say
thank you
and bashfully laugh
say it is
some nights i have dreams about my mom
i don't know how i feel about them
i wake up and cry after them but they help me remember
what her voice sounded like
how she walked and moved
in my dreams i have my mom
i can pick up the phone and shoot the breeze with her
she has a voice that is so clear and strong
in my dreams she drives to my house on the weekends
hangs out with the grandkids
in my dreams she is my strong and independent mother
t
i made three irish whiskey cakes this year
st patricks day tradition that no one did last year as we were all still adjusting to the stroke
trying to get things back on track this year
my grandmothers recipe
my mother taught me how to bake this st patricks day goodie
the only thing she ever taught me to cook
she would come to my house the weekend before the 17th every year
and we would have a 48 hour baking marathon
one year we made 12 in two days
t
believe it or not there are other people in my house
danny husband age 36
bryon son age 8
james son age 5
these are the other people who live in my house
these are the people who listen to me cry when my mother frustrates me
these are the people who wait patiently while i do the things i need to do with my mom
these are the people i feel most sorry for
the ones that suffer the most when i cannot cope with the responsibilities i have taken on
my husba
where have all the people gone
the ones that said they were mom my lifelong friends
the ones who flooded the icu department of the hospital
where are her sister and brothers
all the cousins and aunts and uncles who said they would be there
where is her son my brother
i am not suprised
i am hurt and disappointed
i try not to get angry
i try not to think that i am it
how sad for my mom
here i am again
still caring for mom
been crying a lot lately
miss my freedom
then feel guilty for that
resent my mom for having a stroke and turning my life upside down
selfish i know but it is a feeling i have
desperate for someone to give me a break
desperate for someone to see that i am starting to crack
desperate for things to go back to the way they were
desperate to wake up one morning and hear my mom say my name
desperate not to
just feeling blah
every day the same
need a vacation
need a nap
some mornings i can barely pull myself out of bed
by the time i get home i barely have the energy to get the kids feed and in bed
something has to give
is this what depression feels like
i have so much to do for my mom
i have so much to do for my family
i have mounds of paperwork and i don't know where to begin
i have no money my moms nursing care is taking up every cent we have
you have to wait so long for social security and her disability retirement
it is putting big stress on us
my husband went out and got a second job to help us
i asked my brother for 100 a week to help he doesn't have it
must have spent it all on his trip to Aruba
i chose for my mom to come live with my family
i chose to live with the sacrifices
i have given up my freedom to leave my house to get milk without a 15 minute explanation of where i am going and how long it will take me
i expected more help
silly me
my family is not around
maybe they take it for granted that my mom is here with me
maybe they feel i have it under control
i have tried to tell them i am sinking they don't hear me
maybe they think if th
i am going out tonight
tough to do this anymore
gotta get babysitter for kids
gotta get babysitter for mom
gotta deal with guilt when my mom cries because i will not be home at 6
gotta gotta gotta
tuway tuway (the ony word my mom says)
its 6:30am
change moms diaper, meds, tv off back to sleep for mom
shower for me dressed breakfast for kids
kids up dressed eat on the bus
workin 9-5
home by 6 mom diaper change
feed the troops
homework showers baths
two hour struggle to get eveyone in bed
holy crap it is 10:30pm
diaper change lights out for mom
clean up get things ready for morning
maybe now i can take off my shoes and und
378 days ago i got the call
i am in an ambulance with mom my brother said
oh god she had a stroke he said next
in that instant everything changed
nothing will ever be the same
no more phone calls to shoot the breeze
no more chuckee cheese trips with grandma
no more mom
