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Survivors secret journey

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So disappointed.....

Well I have started in on my new book about my newest interest, David Henry Thoreau. I have had an interest in the romantic period and I am just now getting around to reading some of their work.   My plan was to read Thoreau first and then buy this book I saw by Ralph Waldo Emmerson. But after learning how the big larger then life Emmerson who was all about free thinking and abolishing social restrictions and conditioning and wanted to start a Utopian community based upon each individuals talents and abilities. Emmerson who was supposed to be Thoreau's great close friend, actually publically dismissed Thoreau's lifestyle of living at Walden Pond and being an observer of nature and recording it. He dismissed Thoreau as not being ambitious because he didn't have a job, he looked down on Thoreau's daily walks in the woods and he was arrogant because Thoreau wasn't popular or had any commercial sucess as a published author. Emmerson was just then becoming well known and sucessful and hitting the lecture circuit pushing his Utopian community and other free thinking ideals, yet his friend he dismissed. Talk about a hypocrit! I am so disgusted by Emmerson, I doubt I'll ever read anything he wrote based strictly on principle that I will not support such a hypocrit. Yeah I know he was a man and all men are fallible. But I would expect a bit more in terms of higher standards from someone such as Emmerson. If you're gonna talk the talk, you better walk the walk. I swear this is as bad as finding out that Byron was a womanizer. Guess maybe it shows I should stop placing historical figures on pedestals....... Pam

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TRANSCENDENTALISM

Transcendentalism From Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia Jump to: navigation, search   Transcendentalism was a group of new ideas in literature, religion, culture, and philosophy that emerged in the New England region of the United States of America in the early-to mid-nineteenth century. It is sometimes called "American Transcendentalism" to distinguish it from other uses of the word transcendental. It began as a protest against the general state of culture and society at the time, and in particular, the state of intellectualism at Harvard and the doctrine of the Unitarian church which was taught at Harvard Divinity School. Among their core beliefs was an ideal spiritual state that 'transcends' the physical and empirical and is only realized through the individual's intuition, rather than through the doctrines of established religions.   Prominent Transcendentalists included Ralph Waldo Emerson, Henry David Thoreau, Margaret Fuller, as well as Bronson Alcott, Orestes Brownson, William Ellery Channing, Frederick Henry Hedge, Theodore     History   The publication of Emerson's 1836 essay Nature is usually taken to be the watershed moment at which Transcendentalism became a major cultural movement. Emerson wrote in his essay "The American Scholar": "We will walk on our own feet; we will work with our own hands; we will speak our own minds...A nation of men will for the first time exist, because each believes himself inspired by the Divine Soul which also inspires all men." Emerson closed the essay by calling for a revolution in human consciousness to emerge from the new idealist philosophy:   So shall we come to look at the world with new eyes. It shall answer the endless inquiry of the intellect, - What is truth? and of the affections,

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Cruella DeVille

Let me introduce myself. I'm Cruella DeVille, HostPam's evil twin. I find she hogs the body all the time and when I get my turn, it is only for a short time and I've got to make the best of the time alloted to me.   She is considering letting me loose more often. Which suits me just fine, I think Pam doesn't realize the value to playing it up as a stroke survivor, she needs to play to the crowd that tells her"You look great, why aren't you back to work yet"? I can't wait to gleefully tell them, cause I'm lazy and don't have to be responsible for anything anymore. I have deficits, deal with them. You can do my grocery shopping and pay my bills too while you're at it. I can really truely become selfish and enjoy it cause it is tiresome to be striving and working so hard on a daily basis, to be told, why aren't you working? Theres nothing wrong with you! The X sent the seperation papers- I had told him he had one chance to be fair, not to P*** me off with his demands, that I could change my offer of what I wanted or would agree to, cause we had agreed it was all about the kids, they didn't need to be dragged threw the courts or made to choose. So I had backed off, I had moved out of the house and the day I moved out, the next door neighbor moved in, literally. They just moved out of the house a month ago, it is now for sale. When the X found me this apartment he was full of promises to help me pay for it, well that wwas a lie as he would've promised anything so he could move forward with the neighbor. So that is water under the bridge, it happened a year ago. I stayed here in this apartment as it was right around the corner from the house. Big mistake as it is a small towen and her moving into my house the night I moved out caused a major scandal in town. I was deeply hurt and offended by what they did. But I worked on letting it go, not becoming bitter and twisted over it. I thought of the kids..... I've struggled financially for the last 12 months, I've done without just to exist and keep my head above water. So fast forward to the seperation papers that have been coming to my lawyer since February..... The body of which was nothing more then a wish list for a selfish Narcisist, who still claims"We've done nothing wrong"!!! I make $1400.00 monthly on disability, my rent is 975.00, internet is 50.00, cable phone add another 150.00 and don't forget groceries and gas and paying to get rid of the garbage and I'm in the red every month. Plus both kids get 192.00 a month from SS cause I'm disabled and he wants 650.00 more a month in child support! Over half of what I get. He wants both trucks, he wants my share of the mortgageI should have been paying for the last year. Yeah right like I could afford to pay it and I refused to support her. So to tie me up I've been going to move south where the cost of living is much cheaper, well I have liberal visitation rights but I can only see the kids in this town, in NY state. So off come the kid gloves, Cruella has come to town, Cruella feeds on inequality and selfishness. Cruella feels that Pam has handled this all wrong, she shouldn't have attempted to be independent and strong and denied that she was disabled. Cruella screeches at Pam...."What were you thinking"?????? Cruella's theme song is "We're not gonna take it anymore!" Cruella is the Grand Marshal of the parade of tackling tough subjects and is putting an end to the meek acceptance of milk toast topics, she refuses to whitewash anything, she refuses to conform and Cruella is mortified over the passage of free thinking intellectuals that aren't scared to stand up and take a unpopular view to the masses that just stick to the status Quo. She misses her contemporaries. It is apparent that the time is fast approaching to find something else. Cruella feels that much is one sided anymore and there isn't anything to be gotten here any longer, especially free thinking.

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Zen Parable-No Attachment to Dust

No Attachment to Dust   Zengetsu, a Chinese master of the T'ang dynasty, wrote the following advice for his pupils:   Living in the world yet not forming attachments to the dust of the world is the way of a true Zen student.   When witnessing the good action of another encourage yourself to follow his example. Hearing of the mistaken action of another, advise yourself not to emulate it.   Even though alone in a dark room, be as if you were facing a noble guest. Express your feelings, but become no more expressive than your true nature.   Poverty is your teasure. Never exchange it for an easy life.   A person may appear a fool and yet not be one. He may only be guarding his wisdom carefully.   Virtues are the fruit of self-discipline and do not drop from heaven of themselves as does rain or snow.   Modesty is the foundation of all virtues. Let your neighbors discover you before you make yourself known to them.   A noble heart never forces itself forward. Its words are as rare gems, seldom displayed and of great value.   To a sincere student, every day is a fortunate day. Time passes but he never lags behind. Neither glory nor shame can move him.   Censure yourself, never another. Do not discuss right and wrong.   Some things, though right, were considered wrong for generations. Since the value of righteousness may be recognized after centuries, there is no need to crave an immediate appreciation.   Live with cause and leave results to the great law of the universe. Pass each day in peaceful contemplation.           [ Zen Koans Index | AshidaKim.com   There is one person in this world that should read this and take it to heart. They are no more then dust to me...... The rest of you, hope you enjoyed it and it makes you all think. Pam

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JUST ANOTHER MORNING

As most of you know, I was married 16 years when I stroked at age 37 4 years ago. Things went rapidly downhill with my spouse and I as he couldn't handle the stroke and how it changed me. He rejected me because I was handicapped now, in a world ruled by appearances and illusion, nothing less then perfection is allowed in. So I stuck it out for 3 years post stroke. We didn't talk just lived at the same address for 3 years and the tension just kept mounting. In May of 2005 I moved into my own apartment and began a period of being on permanent vacation from life, my stress had been reduced and it was just me and the dog and cat. The guy I used to call my spouse had taken up with the next door neighbor before I moved out and she moved in the night I moved out. They've since moved over around the corner into her grandfathers house. I just moved back into my house this past weekend with Bill.   Now I think Bill is a brave supportive guy to move back into my marital residence with me. The X is livid and causing problems. Myself, I'm still trying to shake this wierd sense of De je vu(sp.?) I find myself hearing past arguements and cruel hurtful things that must still be hanging dormant in the air. I feel those feelings inside of being less then perfect and I struggle against the mentality and conditioning that those words have value in.   All over again, I seem to be heading down the acceptance path. It is no more fun the on the second visit then it was on the first visit. I seem to be searching for my inner peace, it got misplaced in the last week. I still think that post stroke life is all in what we make it. I can put the dishes away from the dishwasher every morning, I can go up and down all those flights of stairs sideways cause there is only one rail. I can put the dirty laundry in a back pack and carry it to the basement and do our laundry. I can still do alot of things. My next project is to get out in my garden and reclaim it from the weeds. Those hurtful words were just sounds on the air that hit my ears, they mean nothing.Anothers opinion means nothing, it is how I feel about myself..And I like myself, and I have come a very long way and the stroke and X hasn't won yet. Pam

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Measuring Sticks

My thoughts this morning are on measuring sticks......Meaning how we each percieve our strokes and how we as indivuals measure how bad we were hit. Who's to say that the survivor that had a mild stroke, bounced right back and bopped back to work within weeks or less as some continue on with their pre stroke life as if the stroke never happened. They are still stroke survivors and I am not denying that fact with what I'm trying to say. Those are the ones that are lucky. Luckier then the rest of the survivors on this site who are wheelchair bound or using walkers or canes. I'm drawing a line in the sand cause I read one too many posts this morning about how they weren't hit to hard, but yet the tone of what they wrote smells of pity and looking for sympathy. Well I think those with milder strokes may just feel personally how devestating a stroke is and I agree it is. But it also annoys me to hear how bad they have it yet they are carrying on as if it never happened. Then you have the flip side of the coin with all the surviors who can't walk or use only one arm. That group of survivors has to fight and claw and scratch their way back to some semblence of a normal life, That group is prodded, motivated and pushed to go beyond any of their physical limitations. That group also has a tendency to be content with what they can achieve and get back after losing it all physically.   What I'm trying to say is this- we all have different measuring sticks, we all are hit differently and recover differently. Before you get so self absorbed in what happened to you with a milder type of stroke, before you come on here complaining of what you can't do any longer while you are in your car driving to work, why don't you stop and think how the survivors who are paralysed on half of their body feel? They sure aren't driving to work, hell most of us find ourselves medically retired early.   I'm getting fed up with being one of the compassionate ones, the understanding ones. I'm standing up and saying hold on here, get a grip. Don't come looking for sympathy from me, save it for the outside world that can look at you with wide eyed wonder that you survived a stroke. If you need to dramatize the damn thing, tell the uneducated public how tough life is for you now. Tell how you just can't work a productive 40 hour week and still have energy left over to go out partying till dawn. Yup, I agree that is tough to live with. Come on, wake up and realize how many others have it worse then you. Find alittle room in your heart for some understanding for those that are worse then you. Life isn't as bad as you are making it, it could be worse. Now before I get blasted I am making a point that the survivors who have been hit hard physically deserve some respect and recognition. And those hit milder need to get another side of the story to balence their perspective. We are all members of the same elite club, lets try to be fair here. I'm not judging, just pointing out that stop and think and count your blessings before you go on a massive pity party. Pam

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American Romantic era writers

I have a new project I just started. Since my stroke I have become interested in writers of the romantic era. Originally I liked the English poets Byron and Shelly. Then Mom pointed out that there were plenty of good American writers from the same era and I shouldn't become an elitist snob...... So that has stuck in my head and finally when Bill and I went to Barnes and Noble and wandered around that store for close to 5 hours and each found a book, plus we enjoyed a starbucks coffee and split a piece of Godiva chocolate cheesecake, what a way to spend an afternoon. But I digress, I was checking out books by David Henry Thoreau and Ralph Waldo Emerson.I choose one by Thoreau and I have to say I would have been his groupie if he was alive today. I love the way that man thought. I know he was considered a free thinker in his time and he really was one but I find him appealing, I'm a new fan. I would have existed on the fringes of society with him in a heartbeat, maybe even given up all the comfort trappings of civilized life. As long as I didn't have to sleep in a tent...... that is just something I won't do. I'm excited reading his stuff just like I was when I first discovered Zen or philosphy. It is about time I read the works of these writers. Pam  

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Tid bits

Well I rejected the entire seperation agreement on Friday morning. My lawyer has advised me to go in a window of the house and change the locks since it is sitting empty. So that is in the wind, except my body won't be doing any breaking and entering.... that is easier said then done. I can't figure out a way with one functioning arm to climb in a window, let alone be ablle to open the old fashioned windows that are on the house. I need to know a few burgalars to give me some how to tips. Or better yet do it for me.   I woke up with a spider bite on my hand the other morning, it is on my good hand.I had some slight reactions to the bite, but it seems to be doing ok now, we bombed the apartment with some bug killer stuff yesterday. Spiders are not a bug I can peacefully co-exist with. They have to go if I'm there. We also had all that rain and suddenly my kitchen became alive with the colony of ants. So this morning, the ants seem to have taken off and I haven't seen a live spider. Now I just need to get rid of the bug spray smell. It also seems that the relatives of the snmake we killed last year have decided that the area/patio outside my door is the spot to hang out. They are in the bvushes and trees outside my door, I heard moth balls make them go away. I'll try it as they are nasty little attacking things. Petey is still fascinated by the two deer that come graze in the yard. He gets so pumped up chasing them away.It seems to work for them both, Petey gets his ego stroked and the deer make it a game stepping very slowly into the yard, it doesn't make them stay away though. Pam

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BN University - Chronically disorganized

Bill and I decided we need to get organized somehow. My methods don't work and we were bored so we decided to explore courses online. We signed up at Barnes and Noble University for a course on organizing from the inside out. I'll copy and past the course outline and objectives, it may help other survivors too. What grabbed my attention was that this was for the chronically disorganized and I'm still a Fly baby on Fly lady.com. I need help...... I'll keep ya'll posted. (AJ, this may be what you need....)     http://university.barnesandnoble.com/       Organizing from the Inside Out       Title: Organizing from the Inside Out Course Type: Online Instructor-led Course Estimated Completion Time: 16 hour(s) Session Length: 4 week(s)   Take this course for FREE           Upcoming Sessions August 7, 2006 - OPEN     Prerequisites None. Just keep in mind what Robert Fulghum said: "All I really need to know I learned in kindergarten."     Description You have everything to gain by getting organized. You know the benefits -- reduce stress, improve your image and relationships, save time, energy, and money. The problem is that you've tried to get organized before, and now you're back for more. So, why is it different this time? Because it's a whole new ball game with new rules. Rather than diving into the action first, we'll call a time-out to find out what roadblocks are standing in your way. You'll learn two simple formulas for getting organized. You'll plan ahead for what to do, when to do it, and how to get it done. You'll create your own action plan to have fun and win at organizing. Then, you'll attack, take charge, and succeed at organizing your life.     Objectives Take a radically different view of organizing Understand what keeps you from getting and staying organized Learn the two basic organizing formulas Create a unique action plan for yourself Attack your paper, space, and time troubles Know that you can succeed like never before     Course Materials Organizing from the inside Out: The Foolproof System for Organizing Your Home, Your Office and Your

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NOT ENOUGH ROCKS

Sometimes there aren't enough rocks to pacify me. But this isn't about me. In fact there is one person who should take what I say to heart. Have you ever asked yourself why no one has seen fit to stay and act like the faithful loyal dog at the masters side? Have you had a taste of the sharp side of the tongue? Wait it will turn on you. Have all the dirty little embarrassing secrets been confided yet? Do you feel good in helping a mentally unstable person in their quest that has become a obsession? Do you think about the question WHY? Ask yourself some why questions and seek the answers but remember the orator has a hidden agenda to slant the answers to help the orators cause........ To quote MacBeth It is a tale told by an idiot, fill of sound and fury..... signyfying nothing. Now you may think I'm being a b**** and maybe I am, but ask yourself why would I be? I'm not bitter or angry, I've moved on and shed the past like dead dry skin that a sunburn causes. Just be careful how you get drawn in, cause once you'rre in the clutches, theres no getting away, and everyone always ends up leaving for good reasons. Now you can forward this blog, I know it elevates your position, but if I were you, I'd run Forrest Run! Pam

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TRIUMPHANT RETURN

We had a busy past 3 days.... Bill and I now reside in my old house on Maple Ave. It has been a fight to get in here, and moving with everything packed in plastic shopping bags makes it difficult to find anything, cause all the bags are the same.   But I find it very wierd being back here. It is a strange sense of de ju vu. I still remember all the places where the floor dips and I remember what cabinets everything was in.   Course we started moving stuff friday, the dsl connection, phone and cable was all switched over then, so we were straddling between 2 places till yesterday. Friday, the X shows up with my son and his daddy(moral support?) the X is just livid, I've moved back in. He was trying to provoke an arguement or implie threats. I calmly told him if he couldn't say what he meant, I didn't want to hear it. I asked him if his reaction he was looking for from me was one of quaking in my shoes and being intimidated by him, Mufasa? Needless to say he left frustrated, cause I didn't react to what he was threatning. He said he'd send the mortgage to me, I said, Nope, I'm not paying it. He asked if I thought I was moving in here and not going to pay a dime? I reminded him, I originally offered to pay half the mortgage when I asked him for the key. I then reminded him that he and his girl friend got nasty, so I decided I wasn't paying a thing. I told him if he wanted the house to go into foreclosure, instead of selling it, so be it. The look on his face was priceless. It is all about one upping the other now, the gauntlet is down, we've risen to a whole new level of nastiness. But I'll no longer accept being treated as less then cause I had a stroke. He is mad cause I haven't just gone away. I'm still here, still affecting his life, in some way and he has no control over it. He finally got tired of trying to start a fight. It is hard to argue with yourself. So now my days will be filled with emptying out the shopping bags of my stuff. I have to get it done in a timely manner so the house is ready to show for a potential buyer. I'm back to being a slave of housework. Pam

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Ablog about Nothing

If you tuned in to this blog or this page and are expecting to be mentally stimulated, amused or entertained, well you can stop reading cause none of those things are my purpose today. I haven't been able to come up with a subject. My mind is blank. I've wandered around the board for awhile, looking for inspiration but haven't found any. In fact the lack of material on the message board that I might find inspiring makes me wonder what has happened? Where have all the intellectual thoughts and topics gone to? Aren't any of the other 4800 members thinking? What books is everyone reading? What are you doing for motivation? Any special plans for the summer months? Me, I have visions of sitting up at night, listening to the train whistle in the distance that is fighting to be heard over the grasshoppers or "peepers" and drinking a glass or two of wine, maybe snacking on some cheese, pepperoni and crackers and having some smooth jazz on the stereo and some good stimulating intellectual conversation. Anything is better then " What'd you think of those Mets"????? I don't think anything about the Mets or baseball in general. I am not a baseball fan. In fact the one time I did go to Yankee stadium and see the yanks play the Oakland A's, I fell asleep during the game and ended up drooling all over myself and was quite embaraased. To me, watching baseball is akin to watching grass grow. I know how unamerican am I? In my own defense, I'll watch football 24/7 if I could. The end of August can't get here fast enough. Especially that I hooked up with a fellow New Orleans Saint fan. Not many root for the Saints, I have for years cause I like underdog teams. I also root for the Buffalo Bills cause they are the only true NY team left. They at least didn't slink over to New Jersey but still want to be known as the NY Giants or NY Jets. Hey you play in Jersey, you stay in Jersey. I don't care who built their stadium. Well look at that, my blog about nothing turned into a mini rant about the Giants and the jets. I'm off to relax on my patio and enjoy the breezy lazy sunday morning breeze. Pam

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The Seamy Side of Stroke

Yup day before Christmas and I'm slumming. I am having a bad day.Lots of dark thoughts and I even went and dug the bodies up, they didn't stay buried long enough. My daughter was over this morning for a whopping 45 minutes, we went outside and she was sliding down the icey snow covered hill on her butt. I was doing my mommy thing and dutifully watching, and clapping and cheering her on and it hit me. I'm missing so much of her daily life. But sometimes it can't be helped and whether I live 800 miles away or around the corner, I'm not there. I'm replaced, out of sight, forgotten. That was what hurt the most after having a stroke, how easily I was replaced in my own life and I watched it all happen powerless from my wheelchair. I don't like it any better 4 years later then I did when I first stroked. But no sense crying over spilt milk. It happened, it sucked, it hurt but life goes on. Please, no well meaning sentiments involving God, that would make me vomit.   And yeah I'll add this afterthought. This is a pity party for me and I know I was married to a Di** head and not everything is stroke related, I know that. Maybe I should just air my grievances here, against vegetables, the unfairness of life and X husbands.

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Support

Webster's defines support as: Main Entry: 1sup

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Beauty- A poem

Beauty     And a poet said, 'Speak to us of Beauty.'   Where shall you seek beauty, and how shall you find her unless she herself be your way and your guide?   And how shall you speak of her except she be the weaver of your speech?   The aggrieved and the injured say, 'Beauty is kind and gentle.   Like a young mother half-shy of her own glory she walks among us.'   And the passionate say, 'Nay, beauty is a thing of might and dread.   Like the tempest she shakes the earth beneath us and the sky above us.'   The tired and the weary say, 'beauty is of soft whisperings. She speaks in our spirit.   Her voice yields to our silences like a faint light that quivers in fear of the shadow.'   But the restless say, 'We have heard her shouting among the mountains,   And with her cries came the sound of hoofs, and the beating of wings and the roaring of lions.'   At night the watchmen of the city say, 'Beauty shall rise with the dawn from the east.'   And at noontide the toilers and the wayfarers say, 'we have seen her leaning over the earth from the windows of the sunset.'   In winter say the snow-bound, 'She shall come with the spring leaping upon the hills.'   And in the summer heat the reapers say, 'We have seen her dancing with the autumn leaves, and we saw a drift of snow in her hair.'   All these things have you said of beauty.   Yet in truth you spoke not of her but of needs unsatisfied,   And beauty is not a need but an ecstasy.   It is not a mouth thirsting nor an empty hand stretched forth,   But rather a heart enflamed and a soul enchanted.   It is not the image you would see nor the song you would hear,   But rather an image you see though you close your eyes and a song you hear though you shut your ears.   It is not the sap within the furrowed bark, nor a wing attached to a claw,   But rather a garden forever in bloom and a flock of angels for ever in flight.   People of Orphalese, beauty is life when life unveils her holy face.   But you are life and you are the veil.   Beauty is eternity gazing at itself in a mirror.   But you are eternity and you are the mirror.   Kahlil Gibran   One of my favorites I thought I'd share as I had nothing to blog..... Pam      

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ON THE TRAIL WITH PAM AND BILL

Anybody ever read those Hunter Thompson books about his "trips" while experiencing the effects of psychodelic drugs? One title I remember was "On the trail to Las Vegas" (I think) anyway, after our recent trip south, it has occured to me that who needs psychodelic drugs to experience or see life differently when one has brain damage?   These two strokies made a few mistakes(who was supposed to be paying attention??) but it gave us a real good laugh afterwards. The town we stayed in was a tourist town with miles and miles of hotels. These hotels were all high rises and all looked alike. We came back after dinner one night, walked into the lobby, stopped cause the elevator looked different. Bill walks back out of the hotel, I have no idea what he's doing and I'm tired so I seat myself on the red plush sofa that is just chock full of pillows. I sink back into the pillows, completely enjoying the relaxing moment, I sit up and look around the lobby. The thought keeps niggling at my mind that the lobby is completely wrong, but I can't put my finger on if it is wrong cause of bad color choices or furniture arrangement..... I see Bill outside the doors motioning me to come outside. I wave to him and sink back and close my eyes for a minute, when I look again, Bill is motioning harder to come outside. I heave a deep sigh and get up and walk outside, he starts walking towards the truck. I ask where we're going? He said it will only be a minute. It suddenly strikes me! I know whats wrong with the lobby! I turn to Bill and ask him. "We're at the wrong hotel, aren't we?"He grins and says "yup". Well I was awful cozy at the wrong hotel. We had a good laugh at that one. The following day, we were on our way back up to our room, an older couple got on the elevator with us, the man starts casually chatting with me about my leg. Anyway I am chatting away with them both, the elevator stops, I get off and still chatting with the older couple, start to walk away from the elevator with them.. The man stops and says Wait! You're on the wrong floor! I turn around to see Bill holding the elevator door for me, grinning. Talk about an embarrassing moment. So I see it as who needs drugs? I've got brain damage, that is amusing enough all by itself. I live each day like Mr. Magoo, always getting in binds by being unaware, but always pulling out of it. Pam

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What is sucess to you?

I know my definition of sucess has changed since stroke entered my life. How do all of you measure sucess? At one time it was the address, money and job and car I drove. It also was having the first son to carry on the husbands family name. That was then, this is now....( did that book appeal to amyone besides me?) I have some more Zen to share, it is untitled and the author is unknown to me.   To laugh often and love much, to win the respect of intelligent persons and the affection of children; to earn the approbation of honest citizens and endure the betrayal of false friends; to appreciate beauty; to find the best in others; to give of one's self; to leave the world a bit better, whether by a healthy child, a garden patch or a redeemed social condition; to have laughed and played with enthusiam and sung with exaltation; to know even one life has breathed easier because you have lived- this is to have suceeded. Pam

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Day one to today

I read Jean's blog and her first blog entry so I'm being unoriginal and was wandering around my blog for hours today(19 pages!) I found my first blog entry and a year and a half ago when I wrote it, I didn't think I'd keep blogging. But I have and I brought this blog out of the mold and shadows because for the most part I feel the same way. I never did get to design and renovate the barn, well there is a very good reason I didn't. Enjoy the resurrected past.......   Entry Today- day one Email this entry | Print this entry entry Jan 7 2005, 12:27 PM Well history is being made, my first blog entry. It is 10 a.m. and I am showered and dressed. Wonders never cease! Well really we are refinancing our mortgage and today is the closing, so I had no choice but to be on the ball today. Once we refinance, I'll get a line of credit to renovate our small barn in our backyard into a small little house for me. I'm excited about renovating and designing and decorating the barn. It is a whole new life and chapter. I'm looking forward to it. Actually I'm looking forward to the whole idea of being single and getting on with the job of creating my new post stroke life. I have been in limbo for three years. Waiting for the spouse I had to get on with acceptance, to be by my side helping to create this new life. But one can only wait around so long for someone to get their act together.   I thank god I had the stroke. By having the stroke I believe that my eyes were opened to many things. Living my life doing things that are important to my inner life. Being free from the social restrictions or obligations that I was wrapped up tightly in. A chance to really see my choice of a life partner. An opportunity to expand my mind learning about zen and the chance to explore other ways of thinking. I'm not just existing on auto pilot anymore. I never would have learned to use the computer, never explored the internet, never met the friends I have. I am alive and healthy and retired and I have the blank canvas of a whole new life stretching in front of me, what more can I ask for? I'm not knocked down, used up, or finished by this event called stroke. I am empowered and taught by it. I have been given a chance to make a life again, reminded by a ghost of christmas past what I once wanted out of my life. I've been not so gently reminded that I lost sight of what was important at one time. I sold out my ideals to have the life that was ripped from me. I do not waste time anymore yearning for what once was. I see the error of my past ways. Maybe I judge myself harshly, but I am trying to live each day honestly, free from the considerations of society and self. Pam       Custom Skin by:Dragon

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Dirty little secrets

I don't know if it is just me, but this site doesn't have many secrets that can be kept quiet or someone not figuring it out.... Like come on, I'm not completely stupid and a name change does not change a personality or how they write. Duh! How clever does one think they are? The meladrama that happens around here, could win an oscar sometimes. Some are just so phony with claims of friendship, undying admiration and supportive ego stroking. Give me a friggin break, get a life and if you have this flair for the dramatics, we're on the east coast, hollywood is on the west coast. Sorry but your lives are not that important in the grand scheme of things, at least not to me. Now where are the M&M's? Pam

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Ebb and flow of life

It is the 28th of November today. This morning I've been thinking of tides and change. Lately the only constant in my life seems to be change. I know, change is good, positive, growth encouraging, blah blah. I don't want to hear the platitudes, I'm bored by them all. Back to change. I'm going to move. I'm giving up this apartment, it is too expensive. I'm going to move where I can get mass transportation. where I can afford to live, some place warm. New York state is to damn expensive. Ok, enough justifying it. I can't stand depending on my parents, I hate the thought that they have any say in what I do each week. I have a major case of wanderlust. When will I ever grow up????? What image am I trying to create? Who am I? I do not have orange hair although I have remade myself over enough lately. I can't continue to keep changing personalities like I change my underwear. I'm loosing sight of who I am, and I hope I find what it is I'm searching for. Well this has turned into a long ramble. Nuff said Pam

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NSF!!!!

I felt like blogging this morning. The only topic I could think of to write about is the notice I received from my bank regarding my checking account. It seems the accounting method I adopted for the last year of making a deposit and writing checks and keeping a running tally in my head doesn't really work too well when one has lost the ability for simple addition and subtraction. Duh! What was I thinking???? So needless to say my checkbook is a mess..   Not that my checkbook was ever in great shape before the stroke. But organization is not my strong suit anymore.. I know this, I've identified the problem and am now currently focusing on it, trying to get myself in better financial habits. But I hate getting insufficient fund notices. Plus I get charged $30 bucks each time.   Not only is my checkbook a mess, but I have a bad habit of putting all the bills in little piles all over the apartment and something gets put on top of them and before they are found a few months has gone by. It seems that all my invisable deficits are surfacing at once. All my bad habits from the stroke are all catching up with me. But I have faith I'll get it all worked out and taken care of. My attempts to take care of this must be working as the calls are dropping off from the creditors. So I guess I wrote about this embarrassing position I find myself in because as a survivor that has gained quite a bit back, I still have to focus and work hard on recovery, even after 4 years. Here's to money in the bank and a balanced checkbook, Pam

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Bah Humbug

OK, My metamorphus has happened. I now hate christmas, want it to just slide by like aging. Wake me up when it is over. Now I once used to be a lover of all christmas, we used to take two entire weeks to decorate the house, put up two trees and I used to make 400 batches of cookies to give away each year. What was I nuts?????? I'll be lucky if I manage one batch of toll house chocolate chip and I'll cheat and buy the refridgerated dough to make them too. I can't be bothered with all the fuss. I refuse to be stuck cooking the dinner too. screw it, I'd rather eat sticky buns or french toast for dinner. Who needs the whole meat and potatos meal? Why am I writing this on December 5? Cause the X is pushing the whole christmas day thing. I'm not even getting a tree. I may string some white lights on my Hibiscus, but that will be my only contribution to the whole christmas frenzy. I refuse to participate this year, it is my year off. My snow day. All I want for christmas is my Senseo coffee machine. That's it, I get that and I'll just sip yummy coffee all day and put my feet up. Scrooge

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STRONG VS. WEAK

Yesterday I was up in Albany. Albany is the capitol of NY state, so it is a city in a way. We were on a side street stopped at a lred light. On the sidewalk directly outside my window were 2 teen boys. You all will recognize the type of boys they were. One was overweight, "soft, could tell never had much excersise and he was young and smaller in stature then the other one. The other one was bigger, stronger, had a very strong athelitic build and looked very street wise.   Suddenly the bigger one reached out and hit the smaller one in the face, the smaller one reacted by lunging at the bigger guy. My father who is driving suddenly becomes the boys commentator of the fight. The bigger one knocks down the smaller one, proceeds to hold him on the ground between his legs and then systematically punch him in the face. I can see all of this happerning in front of me, I am shocked and mortified and more then alittle bothered that the weaker one is getting his A** whooped. I start struggling to get out of my seatbelt, in a split second I have decided I've seen enough. I'm going to do something about it. Now get a visual of me how I am, I have one functioning arm, I'm5'2, wear an AFO brace, my balence comes and goes and my left side of my body is very slow moving and uncoordinated. I'm struggling to get out of a seatbelt, my father realizes what I'm about to do.. He grabs a hold of my left arm and says you're staying right here, you aren't getting involved! I can't pull my left arm out of his grasp, plus I was afraid the left arm would come out of the shoulder socket cause I have a sublexation.   At that moment the crossing guard shows up and stops the fight, I can't take my eyes off the smaller guys battered face. My father had abruptly stopped his commentating over the struggle to keep me in the car. He asked me what I thought I could have done?   Obviously, I am still thinking about this the next morning. It really bothered me on different levels. It bothered me on the level that my brother was always one of the weaker ones and picked on unmercifully. Kids are cruel to the weak or different from them. It bothered me on the level that one kid was bigger, stronger and it was an unfair fight. Plus the smaller kid I hate to say threw punches like a girl. As a kid I had my share of fights at school, I never backed down from anyone. and I may not have had any formal boxing or fighting techniques but I had years of being a tom boy and having an older brother, so sometimes I did give as good as I got. But there were times when my big mouth got me into a situation that was out of my control. As I hadn't any fear, I learned my lessons the hard way. But what I witnessed yesterday was not a circumstance of learning a lesson the hard way. What I saw was intimidation and bullying. What I saw was wrong. So I'll stop my story here and ask what you might have done if you had stumbled on the same scene? Would you have sat in your car and done nothing? Driven away and being unaffected? Content in the knowledge that you whew! missed the chance to get involved.   To answer my fathers question of what I thought I was going to do? In that split second of impulsivity, I planned on body slamming the big guy, chances are I would lose my balence and I'd fall on him on the sidewalk. That was my course of action, then I would have sat on him . Not a very solid plan I see in the retelling of it this morning, but at least I would have acted instead of judging how todays kids are and complaining about them, as my parents are so quick to do. I hate the fact that they are intimidated by life and would rather live their life from the sidelines. They are always on the outside looking in. I choose to be involved on every level. Whether I use my head or not. I disagree that just because I'm a survivor, that gives me a free pass past go and I collect the $200.00. It comes down to right and wrong and putting ones money where ones mouth is, people wistfully discuss how there is such a breakdown in the youths of today and society in general, well doesn't change have to start somewhere? Maybe my thinking is flawed or it is shaded by irritation at my father. Pam

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Browsing Yahoo Personals

OK, I'll admit it, I was browsing yahoo personals for "A woman seeking man, age 35-45, caucasian, within 50 miles of______________" I wasn't going to try the online dating route. I still may not do it, but a funny thing struck me as I was perusing my 32 matches.......... This is shopping for a man! You get to check them out, if looks are what attracts you first, read what they lied about themselves and pretty much pre judge them before you contact them. Not a bad deal when you think about it. Hey I like to shop, I'm not spending any money and I can do it whenever the mood strikes. It is a fun way to spend my time and get rid of some of this boredom. My attitude is if it works out, that's cool, if not oh well. I just wish I could do the "feel test" like you know squeezing veggies at the grocery store..... Life is so wonderful, so many choices....... I did think about putting up a profile that included, must have valid drivers license and reliable car....... Keep ya all posted. Pam

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