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Survivors secret journey

Entries in this blog

Mindfulness Map

Mindfulness. I of course have just read Jean's blog on building your own violin. Oddly enough, this topic is one I have explored in different ways recently. Another way of understanding mindfulness, is to be aware of what you are doing, how you react, what you say. As a survivor, be aware where you are placing the affected foot. I am reading a book right now that explores this, "Zen and the art of Motorcycle maintenance".I'm really enjoying this book, I find it hard the level of concentration I

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idea from another blog

Well I just read a blog and I read someones reply to their blog entry. It got me thinking, it was a vent about questions regarding religion and god. The reply mentioned fear of not knowing their god. That is it in a nutshell, right there is why I don't participate in church or believe in the whole mass hyponosis of christianity. I will not embrace an idea that has been interpreted into hundresds of branches of belief that all call themselves a different name. I will not do anything that is fear

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Control

Control. I like being in control. I am a controlling person. So what exactly does that say about me? control: to have under command; to regulate; to check; to restrain; authority or power. Websters Dictionary. Pretty much it means I like to get my own way, or lately it means just another endless struggle of juggling , of coming out on top, of winning in the long drawn out process of seperating or divorcing. In that case it is more then just simple control. It becomes a saga. It also becomes at s

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UNCENSORED FEELINGS OF ME

These blog entries are MY thoughts, my observations, my feelings , my view of the world, my stories. First of all realize this blog is not an exstention of my opinions on the board, or in chat. These are my uncensored feelings, you don't like how I feel or what I blog about, then don't read it. No one is twisting your arm to read it.( Mo, this is not referring to you!) I will not change my feelings or thoughts because one person gets twitchy about how I feel about things. I am not a sheep that I

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Pursuit of Intellectual education

Today is one of those days, I don't feel like interacting with anybody, not in person, phone or virtual. I just feel like I'm short on words today. But I just had an impression strike me and I thought this is a good blog, if I can have enough words and patience in me to blog it. There are 2 people in my life who are highly intellectual. One I knew pre stroke and never understood him or where he was coming from, the other is also a male that came into my life post stroke and pre stroke I neve

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thoughts while coloring Eggs

Last night Easter eggs got colored at our house. It is a mindless enjoyable task. A chance for thoughts to drift in and out. Now I was in rehab for that easter the year of my stroke. It was important to me that I still color eggs with my kids, important that nothing changed in our traditions. So OT let me color eggs with the kids, I hid them in my room on Easter for the the kids to find. Actually I hid them twice because my friend Mike came wheeling into my room, took one look around and sarcast

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Talk of God

So Sunday is Easter. I prefer to think of Easter as cute cuddly bunnies, colored eggs and candy. Yeah so what if it is a holiday that the greeting card industry has created? It is better thenall the religion BS. Now, just for the record, I had a christian upbringing. I earned my own bible at church as a kid. My parents forced me to go every sunday to sunday school, they never stepped foot mind you in a church. I always thought it was so hypocritical of them. They always told me when I was old e

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Burning Bridges

Ever since I was a kid, I always burned every bridge that was in sight, I never just set a small flame to them, nah they were always glorious conflagrations. Since the stroke, I haven't changed in that aspect. True, the bridges I now burn are done with a verbal type of fuel, but I haven't yet felt the need to bite my tongue. My latest bridge burner was regarding my childhood friend. We've been friends since 5th grade. As adults over the years I'd get a nagging feeling that we didn't have much

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Controversial topic

This morning I have an internal struggle going on, it is a struggle between yes and no, aren't they always about yes and no? I am trying to merge my personal beliefs with how I feel regarding Terry Schaivo. I'm not having very much sucess with it. First of all I have said to let her die. But that goes against every bloody thing I've said to survivors and cg on this site. I've said time and time again to never give up hope. I've said No one knows what will come back. I meant those words too every

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100 things about me

1. I am woman, and I can roar! 2. I am married, for now. 3. I am a mother of two. 4. I have pierced ears. 5. I hate tattoos on women. 6. I am a demacrat. 7. I am a liberal. 8. I am Pro-choice. 9. I don't believe in organized religion. 10.I used to sew quilts. 11.I once was very creative. 12. My dining room is painted a deep red. 13. My office is a deep hunter green. 14. I love bold colors. 15. I used to be very quiet and shy. 16. If you believe #15 I've got a bridg

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A Gray Foggy Day

Pre stroke, I think I used to get cabin fever and be affected by lack of sunlight. I forget what it is called now. I always got somewhat bummed out in February and March. I love spring and I hate the long winters. All day long today it has been trying to snow. I have had a desire to do SOMETHING today. Don't know what, I just have that itch to clean out closets or drawers or cabinets. But I can't, cause I have pretty much done it, just need the spouse there to agree what is mine that I can tak

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Not a pretty post-venting

One of the reasons I liked the whole blog idea right from the first was the ability to vent, to be politically incorrect or just be in a bad mood and no one can say a word or puke all over my blog. It isn't a post on the board where I must balence a fine line between being Marry Poppins and understanding. But I find lately that those survivors that have suffered mild strokes, just can't deal. Maybe I'm at a stage where I have burn out over the whole stroke business. I know I am on one side of th

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A Pack of pups

I can remember when I was a kid seeing a litter of puppies. The smallest runt of the litter always got pushed aside, not played with, basically treated like an outcast cause he was different. It also had to do with the whole caste system of dogs and their place in the pack. I understand the whole premise of a caste system of dogs, it is simple really, always know your place and don't try to leave it. Most of the dogs or puppies are completely happy and satisfied in their place because they are a

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What a Wonderful world

No, I'm not turning into a cliche'. I'm listening to Eva Cassidy sing her version of the song. Eva Cassidy is someone I just discovered recently and I bought a CD of hers and couldn't be enjoying it more. The only things missing to go with the music is a dimly lighted smoke filled club located in a cellar in some building, that and love. Well that's another blog entry. I can't even recreate the atmosphere here in the house as I don't smoke in the house, but it isn't a bad idea to start. In res

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A brand new day

Well today, the sun is shining and things aren't as bleek as yesterday. Isn't it always the way? I've made some decisions, realized there are unexplored possibilities. Seems according to my brother in law the surveyor, the property has never been surveyed and on the off chance our neighbors across the street didn't take half the road as theirs, we can and we may be able to squeak out enough square footage. I love when numbers can be manipulated. I learned that years ago when I worked in an accou

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compromise ones self definition and zoning

I am in a somewhat bummed out mood today. The stroke cheerleader went on vacation, which is a positive thing since I was getting sick of her shaking her pom poms in my face all the time. By asking myself "who am I"? all the time, I've pretty much filled in the blanks and regarded it as truth. But is it truth? Is it ego? Is it nothing more then values and morals? Are we nothing more then our ghosts of the past experiences that we take away the lessens learned?   I feel strongly about cert

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I'd like to share the wealth

You know, it is a good thing I don't have powers like God is supposed to have. I would abuse those powers, not a doubt in my mind. I seek revenge on those I feel deserve it. Well I am wound up about the spouse and his mother. I know I should not be letting them make me angry, I know I am a better person then the Narcissist and his mother who seems to adore her youngest child a tad too much, where it borders on incest and being sick. But You know what? This is my blog and I'm going to say somet

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Valentines Day Presents

Today is sunday the 13 th of February. The day before Valentines day. The day before romance and presents, a day made popular by the greeting card industry. A day to celebrate with presents according to my 7 year old daughter, Alex. She dragged her father to the florist yesterday, made him spend money. Bless her little heart I got 3 long stem red roses, a heart shaped helium balloon and a Whitmans sampler heart shaped box of chocolates. I opened it up( of course) and gave her the honor of having

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No Celebration without the suffering.....

When I woke up this morning, I was thinking of taking the easy way or the hard way. Now ever since I was a kid, I have never done anything the easy way. I have a nature that is stubborn and strong willed. I know by being this way, I have made some things harder on myself. But upon reflection I don't think it has hindered or harmed me in any way.   As a teen that had snuck out of the house to go joyriding with friends and I did partake in the 2 liter bottle of 7-UP mixed with a bottle of Sou

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Today started awful....

ok, today started out pretty bad. I was laying on my back, mouth open, snoring away happily when I got tag teamed. "The boys" decided mom had slept long enough. "The Boys" consist of one bad seed Pomeranian and two cats. The cats had an ulterior motive, they wanted to be fed. The Pom was just being him. He was gently licking my eyelids with that cold nose and slobby tongue. The tongue I belatedly remembered had been happily licking the guts of a dead rodent the day before or the yellow labs pr

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Going Postal

"Going Postal" is a new modern catchphrase that brings different images to mind that are as varied as the people thinking of what that phrase really means. Do you picture some snot nosed youth with pimply skin and greasy hair coming to work with a gun and blowing everyone away because he's *beep* at a co worker and if you're in the wrong place at the wrong time, you could be lucky enough to be sprayed with bullets too? No? That is Columbine High school, not the post office. The post office just

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My third Anniversary 2/1/05

Well today is the third anniversary of my exclusive membership into this elite fun filled club. I stroked three years ago today. I have no memories of the event. I was on morphine and the docs probably could have cut my legs off at the knees and I would have smiled and laughed and drooled. I was on Morphine and very happy with that drug. It was like being at disney without any tickets. The only thing I didn't like about that day was the tube they had crammed down my throat. I remember hearing wh

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Soundtrack to my life

There are times as I've said before, where music plays an important role in my daily life. Sometimes when I'm working something out, I replay the scene over and over in my head and I wonder what music would do well playing over my thoughts, today I think the GooGoo Dolls would be the music of choice. Especially the song from the movie "City of Angels".... "I don't want the world to see me, cause I don't think that they'd understand." "When everything feels like a movie, you bleed just to know

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Snowy sunday morning

There's nothing like a good old fashioned snowstorm to make everyone slow down and give you a guilt free opportunity to reflect on things. My 7 year old is having a mini meltdown because she wants to do something today and we may not be able to do it, so with the freedon of being 7 and thinking she is entitled to her own way, she is mad at the injustice of life. Of course when I tell her that her meltdown and tantrum are unacceptable and to knock it off or she will be in her room for the day,

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Boredom

Today is Friday. In less then a hour, I am due in chat. I am bored. For a week I have wanted to go to my favorite stores- Home Goods, Linens and Things and Bed Bath and Beyond. I want to look for stuff for my new place, but there has always been some reason I couldn't go. I hate it that there isn't mass transportation and I hate not driving.   I have accepted that I will always be this way, different and I'm ok with it, but I can't accept the fact I can't drive. Well......

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