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hostpam's Blog

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About this blog

Survivors secret journey

Entries in this blog

 

So disappointed.....

Well I have started in on my new book about my newest interest, David Henry Thoreau. I have had an interest in the romantic period and I am just now getting around to reading some of their work.   My plan was to read Thoreau first and then buy this book I saw by Ralph Waldo Emmerson. But after learning how the big larger then life Emmerson who was all about free thinking and abolishing social restrictions and conditioning and wanted to start a Utopian community based upon each i

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TRANSCENDENTALISM

Transcendentalism From Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia Jump to: navigation, search   Transcendentalism was a group of new ideas in literature, religion, culture, and philosophy that emerged in the New England region of the United States of America in the early-to mid-nineteenth century. It is sometimes called "American Transcendentalism" to distinguish it from other uses of the word transcendental. It began as a protest against the general state of culture and society at the time, and in

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Measuring Sticks

My thoughts this morning are on measuring sticks......Meaning how we each percieve our strokes and how we as indivuals measure how bad we were hit. Who's to say that the survivor that had a mild stroke, bounced right back and bopped back to work within weeks or less as some continue on with their pre stroke life as if the stroke never happened. They are still stroke survivors and I am not denying that fact with what I'm trying to say. Those are the ones that are lucky. Luckier then the rest of

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Cruella DeVille

Let me introduce myself. I'm Cruella DeVille, HostPam's evil twin. I find she hogs the body all the time and when I get my turn, it is only for a short time and I've got to make the best of the time alloted to me.   She is considering letting me loose more often. Which suits me just fine, I think Pam doesn't realize the value to playing it up as a stroke survivor, she needs to play to the crowd that tells her"You look great, why aren't you back to work yet"? I can't wait to gleefully tell th

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Zen Parable-No Attachment to Dust

No Attachment to Dust   Zengetsu, a Chinese master of the T'ang dynasty, wrote the following advice for his pupils:   Living in the world yet not forming attachments to the dust of the world is the way of a true Zen student.   When witnessing the good action of another encourage yourself to follow his example. Hearing of the mistaken action of another, advise yourself not to emulate it.   Even though alone in a dark room, be as if you were facing a noble guest. Express your feeli

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JUST ANOTHER MORNING

As most of you know, I was married 16 years when I stroked at age 37 4 years ago. Things went rapidly downhill with my spouse and I as he couldn't handle the stroke and how it changed me. He rejected me because I was handicapped now, in a world ruled by appearances and illusion, nothing less then perfection is allowed in. So I stuck it out for 3 years post stroke. We didn't talk just lived at the same address for 3 years and the tension just kept mounting. In May of 2005 I moved into my own ap

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American Romantic era writers

I have a new project I just started. Since my stroke I have become interested in writers of the romantic era. Originally I liked the English poets Byron and Shelly. Then Mom pointed out that there were plenty of good American writers from the same era and I shouldn't become an elitist snob...... So that has stuck in my head and finally when Bill and I went to Barnes and Noble and wandered around that store for close to 5 hours and each found a book, plus we enjoyed a starbucks coffee and split a

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Tid bits

Well I rejected the entire seperation agreement on Friday morning. My lawyer has advised me to go in a window of the house and change the locks since it is sitting empty. So that is in the wind, except my body won't be doing any breaking and entering.... that is easier said then done. I can't figure out a way with one functioning arm to climb in a window, let alone be ablle to open the old fashioned windows that are on the house. I need to know a few burgalars to give me some how to tips. Or bet

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NOT ENOUGH ROCKS

Sometimes there aren't enough rocks to pacify me. But this isn't about me. In fact there is one person who should take what I say to heart. Have you ever asked yourself why no one has seen fit to stay and act like the faithful loyal dog at the masters side? Have you had a taste of the sharp side of the tongue? Wait it will turn on you. Have all the dirty little embarrassing secrets been confided yet? Do you feel good in helping a mentally unstable person in their quest that has become

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BN University - Chronically disorganized

Bill and I decided we need to get organized somehow. My methods don't work and we were bored so we decided to explore courses online. We signed up at Barnes and Noble University for a course on organizing from the inside out. I'll copy and past the course outline and objectives, it may help other survivors too. What grabbed my attention was that this was for the chronically disorganized and I'm still a Fly baby on Fly lady.com. I need help...... I'll keep ya'll posted. (AJ, this may be what you

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TRIUMPHANT RETURN

We had a busy past 3 days.... Bill and I now reside in my old house on Maple Ave. It has been a fight to get in here, and moving with everything packed in plastic shopping bags makes it difficult to find anything, cause all the bags are the same.   But I find it very wierd being back here. It is a strange sense of de ju vu. I still remember all the places where the floor dips and I remember what cabinets everything was in.   Course we started moving stuff friday, the dsl connection, phone

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Beauty- A poem

Beauty     And a poet said, 'Speak to us of Beauty.'   Where shall you seek beauty, and how shall you find her unless she herself be your way and your guide?   And how shall you speak of her except she be the weaver of your speech?   The aggrieved and the injured say, 'Beauty is kind and gentle.   Like a young mother half-shy of her own glory she walks among us.'   And the passionate say, 'Nay, beauty is a thing of might and dread.   Like the tempest she shakes the

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Ablog about Nothing

If you tuned in to this blog or this page and are expecting to be mentally stimulated, amused or entertained, well you can stop reading cause none of those things are my purpose today. I haven't been able to come up with a subject. My mind is blank. I've wandered around the board for awhile, looking for inspiration but haven't found any. In fact the lack of material on the message board that I might find inspiring makes me wonder what has happened? Where have all the intellectual thoughts and

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Support

Webster's defines support as: Main Entry: 1sup

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Dirty little secrets

I don't know if it is just me, but this site doesn't have many secrets that can be kept quiet or someone not figuring it out.... Like come on, I'm not completely stupid and a name change does not change a personality or how they write. Duh! How clever does one think they are? The meladrama that happens around here, could win an oscar sometimes. Some are just so phony with claims of friendship, undying admiration and supportive ego stroking. Give me a friggin break, get a life and if you have

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The Seamy Side of Stroke

Yup day before Christmas and I'm slumming. I am having a bad day.Lots of dark thoughts and I even went and dug the bodies up, they didn't stay buried long enough. My daughter was over this morning for a whopping 45 minutes, we went outside and she was sliding down the icey snow covered hill on her butt. I was doing my mommy thing and dutifully watching, and clapping and cheering her on and it hit me. I'm missing so much of her daily life. But sometimes it can't be helped and whether I live 800

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ON THE TRAIL WITH PAM AND BILL

Anybody ever read those Hunter Thompson books about his "trips" while experiencing the effects of psychodelic drugs? One title I remember was "On the trail to Las Vegas" (I think) anyway, after our recent trip south, it has occured to me that who needs psychodelic drugs to experience or see life differently when one has brain damage?   These two strokies made a few mistakes(who was supposed to be paying attention??) but it gave us a real good laugh afterwards. The town we stayed in was a tour

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What is sucess to you?

I know my definition of sucess has changed since stroke entered my life. How do all of you measure sucess? At one time it was the address, money and job and car I drove. It also was having the first son to carry on the husbands family name. That was then, this is now....( did that book appeal to amyone besides me?) I have some more Zen to share, it is untitled and the author is unknown to me.   To laugh often and love much, to win the respect of intelligent persons and the affection of childr

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Day one to today

I read Jean's blog and her first blog entry so I'm being unoriginal and was wandering around my blog for hours today(19 pages!) I found my first blog entry and a year and a half ago when I wrote it, I didn't think I'd keep blogging. But I have and I brought this blog out of the mold and shadows because for the most part I feel the same way. I never did get to design and renovate the barn, well there is a very good reason I didn't. Enjoy the resurrected past.......   Entry Today- day one E

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Ebb and flow of life

It is the 28th of November today. This morning I've been thinking of tides and change. Lately the only constant in my life seems to be change. I know, change is good, positive, growth encouraging, blah blah. I don't want to hear the platitudes, I'm bored by them all. Back to change. I'm going to move. I'm giving up this apartment, it is too expensive. I'm going to move where I can get mass transportation. where I can afford to live, some place warm. New York state is to damn expensive. Ok, e

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NSF!!!!

I felt like blogging this morning. The only topic I could think of to write about is the notice I received from my bank regarding my checking account. It seems the accounting method I adopted for the last year of making a deposit and writing checks and keeping a running tally in my head doesn't really work too well when one has lost the ability for simple addition and subtraction. Duh! What was I thinking???? So needless to say my checkbook is a mess..   Not that my checkbook was ever in grea

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Browsing Yahoo Personals

OK, I'll admit it, I was browsing yahoo personals for "A woman seeking man, age 35-45, caucasian, within 50 miles of______________" I wasn't going to try the online dating route. I still may not do it, but a funny thing struck me as I was perusing my 32 matches.......... This is shopping for a man! You get to check them out, if looks are what attracts you first, read what they lied about themselves and pretty much pre judge them before you contact them. Not a bad deal when you think about it. He

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STRONG VS. WEAK

Yesterday I was up in Albany. Albany is the capitol of NY state, so it is a city in a way. We were on a side street stopped at a lred light. On the sidewalk directly outside my window were 2 teen boys. You all will recognize the type of boys they were. One was overweight, "soft, could tell never had much excersise and he was young and smaller in stature then the other one. The other one was bigger, stronger, had a very strong athelitic build and looked very street wise.   Suddenly the bigge

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Bah Humbug

OK, My metamorphus has happened. I now hate christmas, want it to just slide by like aging. Wake me up when it is over. Now I once used to be a lover of all christmas, we used to take two entire weeks to decorate the house, put up two trees and I used to make 400 batches of cookies to give away each year. What was I nuts?????? I'll be lucky if I manage one batch of toll house chocolate chip and I'll cheat and buy the refridgerated dough to make them too. I can't be bothered with all the fuss.

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Horse Crazy

As a girl, I was completely horse crazy. I read all the horse books and I favored Walter Farly's "The Black Stallion" series. I also had a Shetland pony called Playmate. She had been trained as a cart horse or a trotter, she hated being ridden. Everytime I got on her back, it became a contest who could be more stubborn. She did everything to get you off of her back, she'd go under tree branches to try and knock me off, rub against the fence and buck like a wild bronco, if those things were unsuc

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