hostpam's Blog

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About this blog

Survivors secret journey

Entries in this blog

NO MONDAY BLUES HERE

It is Monday morning and I feel almost on top of the world today. I just walked to the post office and back, it sits at the bottom of a big hill and I am huffing and puffing and sweating when I get to the top of it. But I did it and I tell myself that at least I can walk the hill. But I have muscles in places that have been at the beach drinking those unbrella decorated drinks for three years and they aren't happy about being called back to work! Yesterday, it was beautiful, 87 degrees, breez

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Ugly Duckling entry

Gee, today I could rival Eeyore from Winnie the Pooh, when he moans the statement" It's a fine tail, I'm kind of attached to it" Sad, gloomy and having an all around bad week. I feel like I am a ugly duckling this week. I'm going out tonight to try a resataurant I've wanted to try for at least a year. My new neighbors moved in, so far I think they are pleasent friendly people. I have had a hectic day so far, with all the activity of neighbors moving in, talking with the realtor and the cab

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I'm still here

I'm still here, plugging along. Alive and kicking. I have been keeping busy these days, filling up the days so the boredom stays away. Here it is friday already, where'd the rest of the week go to?Plus by staying busy, I'm tired at night and sleeping through the night again, but back to getting up early around 5 a.m. And I got good news! Yhe pair of jeans I bought last summer fit again! and they are loose and comfortable too. I hate wearing jeans that are so tight, you can't even take a deep br

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Day one to today

I read Jean's blog and her first blog entry so I'm being unoriginal and was wandering around my blog for hours today(19 pages!) I found my first blog entry and a year and a half ago when I wrote it, I didn't think I'd keep blogging. But I have and I brought this blog out of the mold and shadows because for the most part I feel the same way. I never did get to design and renovate the barn, well there is a very good reason I didn't. Enjoy the resurrected past.......   Entry Today- day one E

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UNCENSORED FEELINGS OF ME

These blog entries are MY thoughts, my observations, my feelings , my view of the world, my stories. First of all realize this blog is not an exstention of my opinions on the board, or in chat. These are my uncensored feelings, you don't like how I feel or what I blog about, then don't read it. No one is twisting your arm to read it.( Mo, this is not referring to you!) I will not change my feelings or thoughts because one person gets twitchy about how I feel about things. I am not a sheep that I

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What I'm reduced to........

Now I wish I could say that I have been reduced weight wise. But I know that isn't so. No I have been reduced to typical small town life. Where the reason becomes clear as to why organizations such as the The Grange came into existence all those years ago. They were started to give the towns people something to do social wise. Kind of like Jean's Old Peoples Grill Nights. My village needs a Handicaps Hop or something. I will whine and say there isn't anything to do here in this town! I'm stuck,

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Who Let the Dogs Out???

Well ever since I read Jean's blog, that song has been rattling around in my head today. So I guess it could mean the thoughts I've been thinking today. Yes, I put the words thoughts I've together, at times I do have real intelligent thoughts. Sometimes they might even make sense to everyone. I say this because of when I first stroked the posse of inlaws suddenly treated me as if I had not only a stroke but had become retarded too. I hated the feeling that gave me, so I quite happily now rub it

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Update on Past

Ok, Jan this entry is dedicated to you! It is Sunday and I called the old flame on Friday..... haven't heard a peep out of him, which is just fine don't really need another complication in my life these days. Pam

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When it all comes together

Today is a beautiful sunny breezy Monday morning, very early spring, it has the promise of a few more days or weeks and I can shed my winter coat. I went out on the deck in my bare feet, but in less the five minutes my tootsies were freezing, so it isn't that mild yet. I just made a pot of coffee, testing a new brand, I ordered my cigarettes from the Indians, sent back my DVD's to Blockbuster, all in all a pretty sucessful day so far. I feel calm, in control, I have a plan to resolve where I'

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A week later

Yippee the blogs are back! My last entry a week ago was one that I was fed up with everything and everyone. Now a week later, all is well in my world. I went shopping yesterday, got some new CD's to listen to. Life is going according to my newest plan. I'm still having great progress with just wearing shoes, no brace. That makes me happy. I do have to concentrate more when I walk though, but I know now it is a thing I can do. Another level regained! Pam

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Valentines Day Presents

Today is sunday the 13 th of February. The day before Valentines day. The day before romance and presents, a day made popular by the greeting card industry. A day to celebrate with presents according to my 7 year old daughter, Alex. She dragged her father to the florist yesterday, made him spend money. Bless her little heart I got 3 long stem red roses, a heart shaped helium balloon and a Whitmans sampler heart shaped box of chocolates. I opened it up( of course) and gave her the honor of having

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put money where mouth is

For the past few days, I've been struggling with a dilema. One part of the dilema involved the barn of course, we could get around the zoning issue if we didn't put in a kitchen. I have been resistant to that idea entirely. One because I looked at that as a step down from what I have. Two, I plan on living there for a long time. So Thursday I walked up to the neighbors house that owns the field behind us, I knocked on her door introduced myself and asked if she would sell me a strip of land, she

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wandering in my memory

I have no clue why I am wandering around in the past today. I am not seeking anything. I may have realized a thing or two from my wanderings. 1] I am bored today. Mentally bored. 2] I've come a long long way baby. Wityh the high I get from knowing I am doing well and being mentally bored, well that isn't a good combination. It is the calm before a storm type. The peace before things get mixed up, changed and blown up. This feeling is worse then waiting for baby chicks to peck their way out o

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Leaving......

Where's the anger when you need it? In my three years post stroke, I've found that my survivor anger was huge and it was a motivator for me. But I also found out that the anger was a negative force of energy that was draining me. So I let it all go, released it, took a deep breath and felt much better. Now during this period of loads and gobs of survivor anger, I made some life altering decisions. I decided that I wanted a divorce from this man I was married to, who turned out to be more needy t

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FORBIDDEN FRUIT

I just answered Asha's blog and I was wondering what the appeal is to forbidden fruit? Of course in Asha's blog I was discussing Victoria's secret products. But I am bored so my thoughts continued down the path to include all forbidden fruit. I am trying to understand the appeal. Maybe I need to stop living a fantasy life in my head and get out there and be with someone who is forbidden or off limits for some reason. If I did that, I am still off limits as I'm not divorced yet, but seperated.

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Oh, my aching feet!

In another lifetime, I was once a waitress. Long shifts or busy nights, my feet would throb aall night long. I haven't waitressed in years, probably a decade or more. But after my grocery shopping trip yesterday, my feet were throbbing all night long. I'm going to one more store today. As I don't know how frequently I'll get a ride to the grocery store, it is safe to say I stocked up yesterday. Yup stocking the bunker more like...... I left at 10 yesterday morning, got back to the apartment at

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thoughts while coloring Eggs

Last night Easter eggs got colored at our house. It is a mindless enjoyable task. A chance for thoughts to drift in and out. Now I was in rehab for that easter the year of my stroke. It was important to me that I still color eggs with my kids, important that nothing changed in our traditions. So OT let me color eggs with the kids, I hid them in my room on Easter for the the kids to find. Actually I hid them twice because my friend Mike came wheeling into my room, took one look around and sarcast

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Hibiscus blooms

Lately we here in the northeast have had a solid week of rain, dark, cold and wet days. I even put my heat on. Amoung other events that happened, I wasn't my happy go lucky self, kind of bummed I've been.....   I woke up this morning and my Hibiscus is blooming! It bloomed wonderfully all summer, soon as I brought it in, the buds dropped off. I thought no more blooms tilll next spring when I put it back outside. So what a wonderful surprise I got when I walked into the room and the bloom is d

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Sunday Musings

I'm sitting here, staring. I'm so tired right now, I can't think of a thing to write about. I may go grill a cheeseburger on the grill in a few minutes. I made that for last nights dinner with a nice toss salad with Balsamic Vinigrette dressing and a glass of Sangria and I watched the sun set over the mountians. I enjoyed my dinner, it beats bottled water and a banana that I have been eating for dinner. I didn't buy any bananas this week, I am sick of them. Three months of eating a banana every

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Surprise by Design

Today at 10a.m. the heating system guy was here. My head is swirling with facts of Propane vs. fuel oil. Not only that I also have to remember it is a small tiny little space I am working with. I have it in my head how I want the layout to be, the other half has his vision. These visions are not one and the same, not even close. I am trying to design it with my living in it alone, disabled, he is designing it with the speed of a slow day at a McDonald's drive thru in mind. He wants to get it

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Look what I did for chocolate!

I am 40 now and have discovered the merits of eating chocolate. I may be a late bloomer just finding this out, but I can claim brain damage, and the fact that I am now in menopause and have put the "P" in PMS. But it is simply amazing what I will now do for a Milky Way bar.   The spouse buys Milky Ways in bulk now, because both kids and I love them. I don't need them, but a treat is nice every once in awhile. They reside on top of the fridge. Now when one has stroked and has a balence issue,

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Sometimes its a Bitch

Let Stevie speak for this survivor.....         Well I've run through rainbows and castles of candy I cried a river of tears from the pain I try to dance with what life has to hand me My partner's bring pleasure...my partner's bring pain   There are days when I swear I could fly like an eagle And dark desperate hours that nobody sees My arms stretched triumphant on top of the mountain My head in my hands...down on my knees   Sometimes it's a bitch...sometimes it's a breez

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Todays slow enjoyable pace

Have you ever been away and you get the feeling that you've got all day, theres nothing pressing to do, no need to stick to a schedule, throw the timex away. A feeling steals over you of lots of time and an easy relaxed pace. Well that is how I felt this morning. It is a rare beautiful sunny breezy day without the humidity we've had. I was sitting on my patio just enjoying being outside and I had that "vacation" feeling. Then the mama deer walked out of the woods, she stood there twitching he

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Unorganized ramblings

Yesterday I had a great time. I went to my friend Jim's party. It was a BBQ and a typical small town upstate NY party. My other friend Lou went and Lou had culture shock. I was highly amused by Lou's observations. Lou is a city boy born and bred, Lou moved to small town USA two years ago. Lou is proud he is finally getting a handle on who is related to who. Course as anyone who lives in a narrow minded small town knows, everyone either knows everyone or is related to them somehow. So Lou ha

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second nature

I just read Marty's blog about his fall. I'm sitting here, talking out loud to myself, nodding my head in agreement. Because I know without a shadow of a doubt that no movement a survivor makes or takes is second nature anymore. Every foot placement, places we visit, any muscle movement we make is not second nature anymore. That is something that is wiped out by the stroke. And a fall such as Marty describes is humbling. Now I don't mean to put a negative spin on falls, but when performing a sim

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