Today I got my cast off and I put my hands together for the first time in 15 years. The first thing I did was wash my hands. It felt soo good. Ever since my stroke I was only washing my good hand by itself but today I actually rubbed my hands together. My OT said I can get a manicure soon. It does not feel real. It feels like Im dreaming. I dreamed about this day forever. You guys know I have gone through so much emotionally I just wanted to die because I could not feel my fingers. I would stay
Hi everyone. I only got 4 comments on my last entry so I guess nobody loves me anymore . Well for the few of you who are interested in what goes on in my life, I have decided to give u an update...
Midterms were great. I made As in all 6 of my classes. Fall break, however wasen't so great. Sitting at home with nothing to do for 2 days reminded me of how depressed I was in high school and made me realize how greatful I am that I am in college away from that hell hole (my room) and I have so man
i don't know where to begin. I cant stop crying. My left wrist won't stop hurting and Im tired of being this way! I couldn't even get my teeth fixed at the dentist because of the way I am. I cant do anything I want to do! Each year I think I will be back to normal after a new birhjday and surprise everyone when I go back to school but each year Im still gere doing the same things I was doing 5 years ago! I just dont understand! I mean Im happy to say I survived a stroke but why cant I be back to
I just found out I got approved for special transportation services! I had to do an assessment on Thursday and I got my eligibility letter in the mail today. This means that I will not have to stand outside waiting for the city bus. I will be allowed to take the special transportation bus which transports people with disabilities door to door wherever we need to go. Who needs a car? I am excited. I start my internship on Monday and start my classes on Thursday.
Today I went to the gym in my
Today I went in for a test trial of the bioness H200. Although my OT never used e-stim with me because she said I had to much tone and my doc had never heard of bioness, I still had faith. I blocked out the fact that its been almost 10 years since the stroke, blocked out the numerous times I prayed and prayed for the ability to use my left hand only to get no results, and blocked out all the time my OT and doc told me those nerves were dead. I prayed, wore my splint all morning, read some script
I looked to my left and seen the corner of the Army Humvee protruding through my car window. Just a few inches closer and it would've bashed into my head. I looked down at the broken glass from my window sitting in my lap. As the medics took my vitals, the police officer told me I was lucky to be alive. In my mind I asked God why didn't he just kill me...I remained calm until the medic told me I needed to go to the hospital.Suddenly I heard sounds of the ambulance siren, felt the bumpy ride unde
Yesterday I had a moment at work where I was fighting back tears. First of all last week a customer asked me what happened to my hand and told me she noticed because she works at the hospital. As I told her why I couldn't get anymore therapy, I felt like I needed to keep looking. Even though my doctor and his nurse couldn't find any providers in Charlotte that will take my dad's insurance, and I searched the website and called a list of providers myself, I just knew there has to be a provider in
Today is a day I don't want to remember
so clear in my mind like the 11th of September
2001 such a tragic year
who knew I'd spend the rest of my life in fear
Not only of terrorist attacks but of seizures for life,
of more surgeries, another stroke, never becoming someone's wife
Who can slip a ring on my crippled hand?
I'd rather have been killed by the taliban
because my life ended in 2001
God gave me 12 years to have my fun
Since then happiness has been few and far in between
No matt
I decided to return back to work this week so I bought a bus pass instead of driving. I was about to cross the street at the cross walk. It said walk. I took a few seconds to look to my left and right to make sure no one was making right or left turns and began to walk with 12 seconds left. As soon as I began to start walking I seen a big van approaching me on my left side. "WAIT!" I screamed. but it was too late. I fell over to my right side in the road then rolled over in agony. The driver got
Thanks everyone for your comments and concern. Im feeling better and am waiting on my lawyer to start the case. I recently disconnected my cable and internet so I am typing this in the last 5 minutes of my lunch break at work. As some of you know my stroke anniversary was yesterday. 10-18-01 was the day I went in to have the angiogram for my AVM and woke up days later with a stroke. I just wanted to let you guys know I have not been sad and depressed this anniversary. I went to church on Sunday
Hello everyone, things have been better. Right now I do believe my gpa is still at a 4.0 so classes are really easy. I am getting better at walking even though I did get a bad bubble blister on my toe and i have a red spot on the side of my foot where my brace irritates it but after walking for so long i start to forget about the pain now. I have good news I am an aunt again. My oldest brother has a son now he was born on Wednesday. It made me feel good when my mom put the baby in my left arm be
This entry is not about my hand or my therapy, it is about my emotions. I try to be as positive as I can on here since a couple years back when I vowed to only make positive entries. but I need help. I usually write my depressing thoughts in my notebook but I feel like I reached my breaking point. When I first moved here back in August I attributed the depression to stress from the internship plus classes. I had met a nice guy and he always helped me feel better and motivated me. After quitting
Lately I have been feeling really down and I know you all usually tell me to think of all that I accomplished my first year in college but that does not help anymore. It only makes things worse because it reminds me how wonderful last year was compared to this year. I started school a couple of weeks ago. I am now living in an apartment on campus with roommates so I feel more independent. but I also spend a lot of time alone in my room. Usually when I am sad, being at school or thinking of accom
seizures
I know you guys told me I should see the neurologist but I had to reschedule my appointment for next month and wont be able to see him until February. I am kind of afraid to bring it up because I don't want to get my license taken away. I really want to be able to drive again when I feel comfortable and right now I don't have to be reviewed by the med board until 2014 so I don't want these mysterious dizzy spells to mess me up if he puts in his chart that I still have seizures. I looke
I think I've been having seizures in my sleep. It started like maybe a month or couple weeks ago. I cant remember. I was trying to fall asleep and I remember having a dream but it was like I was in and out of consciousness. I just remember feeling like someone was pushing me into my bed and I was pulling my pillow to keep from falling. This happened again but once again I thought maybe it was just a nightmare or something. Thanksgiving morning it happened again but this time I knew it was a seiz
So about 3 hours ago, I had the worst seizure ever. Im guessing it was grand mal. I was laying down watching a sermon on my laptop (trying to be encouraged) when suddenly my left arm started rising up, my head turned to the left, and my body turned to the right. My brother was the only one home but he was in his room with his door shut. I thought he would hear me especially when my laptop fell off my bed and hit the floor. All I could do was jerk uncontrollably to my left side. The next thing I
well i just decided to type some stuff in here for my own memories since i don't really get many comments anymore. I appreciate those of you who still comment hough. Well I was discharged from PT shortly after my last entry because my medicaid ran out. I was kind of sad and disappointed. I felt like I had made no progress. Fortunately, I took a 6 minute walk around the hospital and just seeing the stroke survivors and spinal cord injury patients laying in bed and rolling around in wheelchairs, r
On Saturday I went to the fair with some girls I met. I tried to enjoy myself but it was very hard. First I had to get a ride from my mom and we had to sit and wait for one of the girls to get there so I wouldn't be alone. My mom got very restless very fast and she started to make everything into a big deal. If only I could drive myself, that could have been avoided. By the time the girl got there, I wasen't even excited anymore. She and her friend had to help me get on every single ride (even p
im really upset right now. i was studying but i couldnt hold the book open and take notes at the same time. i turned the tv off because i was tired of seeing people living my dreams. why cant i put my hair up like the lady on tv? why cant i wear the high heels? i cant walk like her. i got so upset i threw the remote threw the books and threw my brush. its just frustrating. its like being the dumbest kid in the school. everyone is better than me. they all have something i want that i will never b
Well I have lots of good news. First I am done with OT. The botox really help and I don't see my doctor again until August. I asked the doc what is the point in exercising if the damage is in my brain and its permanent and he reminded me basically if it doesn't get better, it might get worse. So I am going to start exercising!
I am NOT going to China. The guy in charge felt I was not healthy enough which I felt was somewhat discriminatory seeing as how my intelligence got me in the program but
Right now I am at home watching tv. Back in high school, it was depressing to sit at home watching tv on a Saturday night but right now, this is the best feeling I have felt all week. Yesterday was the first time that I cried in a while. I guess I had been holding everything in and accepting it and trying not to let it bother me but I guess it just all hit me at once. I currently have an A in only 2 out of my 5 classes. I have not passed any of my Geography or Biology test. It just makes me feel
i decided to post my poem today since I will probably be busy all day tomorrow. I hope you all enjoy!
7 years ago I couldnt lift my head
confined to the hospital bed, the surgeons thought i was dead
they told my family the chaplain was on his way
the devil wanted to take me
but God wanted me to stay
They said I might not make it through the night
but they didnt know I was a warrior
prepared to fight
They said after so much brain damage I wouldnt remember a thing
so much st
Look there is nothing I can do for myself. I talked to a psychologist years ago but my insurance would not cover it and i am too busy with school, community service, and clubs to even try to get a ride to the psychlogisyt everyday. antidepressants? nope. i attempted suicide a couple times before by overdosing on some old meds so no shrink is going to give me medicine. school sounselor? nope. i used to talk to her last year and she didnt help at all. this year she doesnt even return my phone call
I apologize for not being active like I said I would. I just finished the 3 page summary on the 25 page article I had to do for my honors freshmen seminar class. It has really taken up a lot of my time. Sometimes I want to update because I am extremely happy and sometimes I just want to vent because I am so upset. My moods fluctuate so much I dont see the point in updating everytime something happens. Anyway my summer has been all work and very little fun. I kind of figured turning 18 wouldnt be
thank you all for your support It really does help to know someone cares how I feel. Most of the time I am just venting because I have no real friends to talk to accept all of the stuffed animals i have in my room from being in the hospital so much. Today was finally a better day. My mom and I got into it again but I find it easier to ignore her until her medicine kicks in than to argue. Lastnight I went to the movies with my cousin and her boyfriend and tonight we went to the mall. It felt so g
