Today I got my cast off and I put my hands together for the first time in 15 years. The first thing I did was wash my hands. It felt soo good. Ever since my stroke I was only washing my good hand by itself but today I actually rubbed my hands together. My OT said I can get a manicure soon. It does not feel real. It feels like Im dreaming. I dreamed about this day forever. You guys know I have gone through so much emotionally I just wanted to die because I could not feel my fingers. I would stay
Today is my stroke anniversary but Im glad the day is almost over. I woke up feeling so depressed. Instead of celebrating this milestone and all the great things that have happened this year (mainly just getting my wrist straight), I just kept wondering what my life would be like if I never had the stroke. I don't want to hear any encouragement. I know I've accomplished so much, life could be worse, just be thankful, etc. I have just been in a bad mood/on the verge of tears all day.
I have
I finally had my appointment with the orthopedic surgeon today. I am going to do the surgery. She is going to put a rod or something in my wrist to keep it straight then she may release the tendons in my fingers depending on how it goes after that. I feel indifferent about it. Part of me is happy my wrist will finally be straight and in a more comfortable position but part of me feels sad that I will officially never be able to do things like clap my hands.
I got a new position at work. Inst
I get my cast off next week. Im so excited. My OT is going to do some e-stim with me to get my fingers moving again. She makes it sound like I can do whatever I want like all we have to do is some e-stim so I can remember how to open my hand again and I'll be good as new. It is pretty exciting but at the same time Im kinda trying not to get my hopes up too high. Its kinda surreal like what's the first thing Im going to do with my new hand? Probably wash my hands! lol I have not been able to put
I have gone through a strange identity crisis. My wrist was bent for so long that I knew I looked disabled to other people. I used to hate that bent wrist and I felt like that was the first thing people noticed when they looked at me. Now it feels kind of weird to look semi normal or whatever. Even though I can straighten my elbow I find myself choosing to keep it bent. I dont know why. My therapist thinks I want people to feel sorry for me but its not that its just I want them to still know Im
i don't know where to begin. I cant stop crying. My left wrist won't stop hurting and Im tired of being this way! I couldn't even get my teeth fixed at the dentist because of the way I am. I cant do anything I want to do! Each year I think I will be back to normal after a new birhjday and surprise everyone when I go back to school but each year Im still gere doing the same things I was doing 5 years ago! I just dont understand! I mean Im happy to say I survived a stroke but why cant I be back to
Today is a day I don't want to remember
so clear in my mind like the 11th of September
2001 such a tragic year
who knew I'd spend the rest of my life in fear
Not only of terrorist attacks but of seizures for life,
of more surgeries, another stroke, never becoming someone's wife
Who can slip a ring on my crippled hand?
I'd rather have been killed by the taliban
because my life ended in 2001
God gave me 12 years to have my fun
Since then happiness has been few and far in between
No matt
This entry is not about my hand or my therapy, it is about my emotions. I try to be as positive as I can on here since a couple years back when I vowed to only make positive entries. but I need help. I usually write my depressing thoughts in my notebook but I feel like I reached my breaking point. When I first moved here back in August I attributed the depression to stress from the internship plus classes. I had met a nice guy and he always helped me feel better and motivated me. After quitting
Today is my 14 year strokeversary! I think this is the happiest I have ever been on October 18th. I am actually happy to be alive. I have been telling random people my story all day. I've been out all day. I just feel like I have come so far. On my past stroke anniversaries all I can remember is being depressed over having seizures/ panic attacks, not being able to drive, not being able to work, not being able to use my left hand, etc.
I did not think in 2015 I would still be walking with a
Thanks everyone for your comments and concern. Im feeling better and am waiting on my lawyer to start the case. I recently disconnected my cable and internet so I am typing this in the last 5 minutes of my lunch break at work. As some of you know my stroke anniversary was yesterday. 10-18-01 was the day I went in to have the angiogram for my AVM and woke up days later with a stroke. I just wanted to let you guys know I have not been sad and depressed this anniversary. I went to church on Sunday
Today I went in for a test trial of the bioness H200. Although my OT never used e-stim with me because she said I had to much tone and my doc had never heard of bioness, I still had faith. I blocked out the fact that its been almost 10 years since the stroke, blocked out the numerous times I prayed and prayed for the ability to use my left hand only to get no results, and blocked out all the time my OT and doc told me those nerves were dead. I prayed, wore my splint all morning, read some script
I decided to return back to work this week so I bought a bus pass instead of driving. I was about to cross the street at the cross walk. It said walk. I took a few seconds to look to my left and right to make sure no one was making right or left turns and began to walk with 12 seconds left. As soon as I began to start walking I seen a big van approaching me on my left side. "WAIT!" I screamed. but it was too late. I fell over to my right side in the road then rolled over in agony. The driver got
Hi everyone. I only got 4 comments on my last entry so I guess nobody loves me anymore . Well for the few of you who are interested in what goes on in my life, I have decided to give u an update...
Midterms were great. I made As in all 6 of my classes. Fall break, however wasen't so great. Sitting at home with nothing to do for 2 days reminded me of how depressed I was in high school and made me realize how greatful I am that I am in college away from that hell hole (my room) and I have so man
It's coming Monday. It has been a very frustrating journey and has not turned out the way i want but I think it will be worth it. Voc Rehab was not going to pay, my dad's insurance denied it twice, I got the certified hand therapist to help with my appeal but even after she vouched for me that e-stim works on my hand, the reauthorization still got denied. I don't have the time or energy to keep fighting the insurance companies. I looked on the internet for used ones for sale, I called the hospit
I just found out I got approved for special transportation services! I had to do an assessment on Thursday and I got my eligibility letter in the mail today. This means that I will not have to stand outside waiting for the city bus. I will be allowed to take the special transportation bus which transports people with disabilities door to door wherever we need to go. Who needs a car? I am excited. I start my internship on Monday and start my classes on Thursday.
Today I went to the gym in my
I looked to my left and seen the corner of the Army Humvee protruding through my car window. Just a few inches closer and it would've bashed into my head. I looked down at the broken glass from my window sitting in my lap. As the medics took my vitals, the police officer told me I was lucky to be alive. In my mind I asked God why didn't he just kill me...I remained calm until the medic told me I needed to go to the hospital.Suddenly I heard sounds of the ambulance siren, felt the bumpy ride unde
Thank you so much to all 5 of you who commented on my last blog. I often re-read old comments from time to time for inspiration. Even though I do not reply to you all individually, I always read every comment and I appreciate the support from everyone!
One of the reasons I have not blogged is because I feel depressed and I made a promise last year not to blog about sad things all the time like I used to. I keep things to myself or just write in my prayer journal instead. Sometime it helps. S
Yesterday I had a moment at work where I was fighting back tears. First of all last week a customer asked me what happened to my hand and told me she noticed because she works at the hospital. As I told her why I couldn't get anymore therapy, I felt like I needed to keep looking. Even though my doctor and his nurse couldn't find any providers in Charlotte that will take my dad's insurance, and I searched the website and called a list of providers myself, I just knew there has to be a provider in
Wow I cannot believe how much progress I've made. Can you guys believe 2 months ago I was diagnosed with panic disorder with agoraphobia, yet a week ago I went day after Christmas shopping at the MALL. It was a wonderful day. I had not been to the mall in 3 years and it was packed but I felt completely fine.
The following day I drove my mom and boy friend to the guitar center. They had sold the guitar I practiced on before so I had to order another one. It is smaller and left handed and it s
I wish I could talk about what a great time I had in Atlanta. how I took the stairs in my aunt's 3 level house, and did the 2 mile walk with her church up and down hills through the route.
I wish I could talk about how I went somewhere everyday last week, applying for jobs, networking, and hanging out with friends and family.
BUT I ruined it. I had a seizure in my sleep Saturday night/Sunday morning and I completely lost it yesterday. I took the rest of my bottle of prozac and slept all day
Thank you all for your comments on my last blog. I have some good news. I went to Virginia for a Singles Retreat with a local church. I was just SO grateful so see all of the beautiful water, bridges, tunnels, trees covered in snow, etc with no anxiety! I navigated the hotel, walked through large malls and spent the 3 days with a group of strangers. No anxiety, panic, depression, etc. It was such a blessing. Just a few months ago I felt like my life was over. Im so glad God let me live to experi
I have not felt like blogging, journaling or anything lately I dont really want to focus on my thoughts. I prefer to block them out with activities that distract me. I did want to let you guys know about my latest stroke journey though.
I asked my neurologist to give me a referral to see a hand therapist. He refused because he said at this point therapy will not make a difference.
So I told my primary doctor. He's known me for 20 years so he was nice enough to do the referral.
I was excited a
wow i haven't blogged since October so that means I've been doing good. I don't know if I put this is my last entry but I adopted a dog back in October. He is a black basset hound/ dachshund. I love him so much. He does wonders for my depression. He loves me. Just having him there helps with anxiety because I know Im not alone. I would post a pic but I dont know how on here anymore.
I quit my last job and started at the VA (Veterans Affairs Hospital). I like it so much better. The company I
Today I went back to my family doctor. I have been going to him since I was in 3rd grade but I had not been to him for about 2 years while I had moved away. I usually dont like him. He always seemed kind of slow to me and I never trusted him I guess because for the longest he diagnosed me with everything he could think of accept seizures and ever suggested a brain scan. It took me having the grand mal and being transported to UNC to finally find out what was going on.
So yeah I was not reall
Hello everyone, things have been better. Right now I do believe my gpa is still at a 4.0 so classes are really easy. I am getting better at walking even though I did get a bad bubble blister on my toe and i have a red spot on the side of my foot where my brace irritates it but after walking for so long i start to forget about the pain now. I have good news I am an aunt again. My oldest brother has a son now he was born on Wednesday. It made me feel good when my mom put the baby in my left arm be
