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stroke survivorthoughts

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sun is always shining & just behind the cloud does not negate the fact that sun is still out there somewhere

Like I have mentioned before, weekend I usually spend in my spiritual learning, Saturday evening usually reserved for learning of our hindu scripture Bhagwad Geeta, whose teachings I find it very relevant for all human beings, & my Sunday mornings I love to spend in Oprah's super soul Sunday series where she brings in guest who can depart great teachings through their book  by sharing their experiences in life. It was surprising these both days teaching were about same thing like Sun is always out there shining which is eternal truth, just because right now it is hiding behind cloud does not mean Sunlight or sun never existed before, its that cloud aka our faulty understanding  which got blocked by cloud needs to disappear to see that eternal truth, that was my own AHA moment, so we need to work towards our understanding to realize what is eternal truth & what is cloud which alters your reality about situation like our ego,anger,jealousy, all those bad vices we all human have, which clouds our reality.  So knowing to identify these clouds & understand the eternal truth is goal of our human experience. I was like wow I get it now, but I am sure I will forget as soon as something won't go according to how I want it to go,   that's why I  keep on gravitating towards this timeless teaching to clear cloud which sometimes  block my vision  about my own life experiences  & experience pain, suffering & other useless emotions.   Asha

HostAsha

HostAsha

 

I am becoming old person now

I am realizing I am becoming like my mom & old person, while watching all these new Indian movies I can't understand lyrics of songs & getting scandalized by amount of less clothes actors are wearing while dancing to these weird music whose sound is catchy, all pretty people but can't understand a thing they r singing & it is supposed to be Indian language I should understand. I need someone to tell me what did he sing lol. now I can see my  parents reaction when they used to see movies in my college years which was in 90s.  & complain about what the heck they are singing & where is story here. I feel same way now when I watch movies of 2019. So table has turned now I have become that old person lol.  I couldn't resist writing it down here, oh and other front I tripped & fell recently landed on my good leg knee was worried since I was still recovering from my bad foot sprained ankle & now this, luckily icing & ointment I m not hurting & able to walk still thank goodness. life is full of adventure, kido is doing great too  at his college, he loves the college & friends he is making there, so I am one happy mom, he has been learning about anatomy of human body & was all excited about neck & anatomy of human brain, I told him I don't mind donating my brain for kids to learn from, but only condition, they have to be very respectful of my brain & not make any fun of it, while learning about it, hubby goes oh you got o go wow this is amazing brain, this person must be so intelligent just like Albert Einstein  lol.

HostAsha

HostAsha

 

do have something to whine about aww my ankle

I do have happy blissful life, though God don't want me to be cocky so have to throw in some discomforts in my life just to test out  whether I have mastered my own spiritual mambo jumbo or not lol. Anyway I have not, I am still in work in progress, & I have to whine my sorrows & joys all here, on Weekend hubby & I gone out for walking in woods near our home, unfortunately there was big party in park & hubby had to park car in field & somehow I missed hole in the ground & twisted my ankle there, though I as able to catch myself & walk home without any pain, so did not think of much  of it, now today its hurting while even walking to bathroom. So I guess few days of icing & I should be back to normal. or whatever normal is, today I decided to use cane but have you ever walked with cane when you  have access to only one good hand, life becomes so complicated with  no hand   Anyways like I have learned in my all spiritual books I read & ponder about, I should try to see what lessons I am suppose to learn from this incident in my life.  my bhagwad geeta classes are going on good, though lot of time teacher spends in rhyming in difficult indian langauge(sanskrit)which I am not familiar with so goes above my head, but I love the discussion part which comes in when he is trying to explain meaning of each verse, thats where I get my AHAs, though it does go through lot of boring BLAHS  before AHA comes along, but hubby says when you are digging for diamonds in mine you got to go through lot of coal before you find your diamond, that is part of life, this is where I will develop my patience  & not giving up muscle. So I am going to follow advice of my spiritual guru my hubby & stick it out.   Asha  

HostAsha

HostAsha

 

trying to find limitless soul within you

I guess I attract towards spiritual teachings of all religions. recently in temple near our home they started discussion & lecture series on  hindu religion's most sacred book Bhagwad Gita which  teaches you how to live limitless in this limited world. It was quite a interesting session, where you meet very similar thinking people and trying to find contentment  and  deeper meaning in your life. Gita's teachings revolves around doing your duties according to roles you are playing in your life mother daughter, friend, wife whatever role you are playing to best of your abilities without any attachment to any results. you just do your duties without getting attached to results or thank you in return, you do it as your offering to God, &  another interesting thing which  we will be discussing in our next classes is  how we human beings are limitless &  not be bounded by this external limits we put on ourselves oh I m not tall enough or pretty enough or smart enough limits but knowing we are enough  & all what we need is all within us will be  our class discussion. So I am looking forward to all these intellectual stimulation for my mind & soul.   Asha    

HostAsha

HostAsha

 

I should go & read my own blogs when I am having down days :)

I guess you can not have all good days every day sometime have to have down days, when you question every one's love for you & think you are all alone in this wide world, and should just quit trying & go & live life  without interacting with any one. ok so I was mad at hubby & brother thinking no one loves me  or appreciates me & only give me hard time even when I am working my butt off  stepping out of my comfort zone  & sill all they do is point out my shortcomings, maybe I should just quit & live on my own, kido is now on good path & will be ok if we are together or not, ofcourse now I am back to my old self fights with hubby & brother all are done & I am back in love again, but man I should read my own blogs  & learn from them. all is well now in Asha-land, kido is enjoying his stressful & intense medical field where he has already learning about human anatomy & dissecting cadaver  (human dead body), I was telling him about girl fainting in my 12th grade biology class when frog we were dissecting jumped off the table lol. It seems no one fainted in his class while their anatomy class,All are very smart dedicated kids who are there because they want to be there. I am so happy & relieved for him, he chose the path by trials & errors, he did not enjoy work which did not have human interaction, he did not enjoy engineering  or accounting field though he tells me he did not know what engineers did all day sitting behind their laptop, I am glad he did not meet all these NASA engineers, and thanks to my illness met all wonderful doctors & could see their impact on patient outcome. I guess I still like to take some credit even when I know I was just dog under bullock cart, bulls(kids)do all the work dog just keep them on straight path,  this is analogy used by my hubby in describing parent's role in raising their children, & my brother says oh man your husband calls you dog & you don't even realize its verbal abuse & say it proudly hehehe. (lol). Now you know why I love my family & will be so lost without them in my life.   Asha  

HostAsha

HostAsha

 

something I learnt today on my super soul sunday series better keep in mind for my own sanity

As you guys know I am sucker for Oprah's super soul Sunday series, & learn valuable life lessons from it.  As I have mentioned before I feel loved by feeling of appreciation expressed by my family members. on yesterday's show guest said something very important, whatever we always wish for is usually never enough, so if you wish for more money, however amount of money you get its never enough, same way with all other items, if you always feel loved by words of appreciation its never going to be enough for you to feel loved. which I totally get it, I am writing it down so that I don't forget this valuable lesson. I should know by now through all action of my family & extended family & friends, I am enough  & don't need anything more to be loved .   Asha

HostAsha

HostAsha

 

I am so relieved we did not screw it up

I am so relieved my illness did not screw it up our son's life. I stroked at age of 34 when our son was just 7, and I went through severe depression for a year, luckily hubby held our fort till I picked up pieces of my shattered dream & broken life & started building our new normal with help of my family & friends who chose to stay in & some new friends came in. our son saw up close & personal how doctors helped our family rebuild our life together. kido shadowed lot of my doctors during his high school years which  helped him decide what he wants to do in future.  our son is all-rounder,  he is very bright in studies but equally passionate about video games & playing outside with his friends, and quite procrastinator, so I always worried about him. I always told him he has potential to get into top ranking colleges, if he plans & study properly instead of doing things right at the last moment. though I have noticed with him, if he wants something in life, then he works very hard to achieve that dream, & getting into medical college was his dream, so he worked real hard in his undergraduate years, passed  with highest honors in his department , aced in his medical entrance exams, & excelled in personal interviews, & finally got into multiple medical colleges, he chose one of the top ranking medical college. I am so relieved my illness did not screw up future of our only child, I feel all credit goes to my hubby's strength, had he given up on us  I would have royally screwed up kido's life. so very thankful to how things have unfolded in my life. My mom's only wish in her life is one of her children should become doctor & now her grandchild is going to fulfill her wishes. she is on cloud 9 along with all of us. Now we pray he becomes best doctor & make a difference in people's life. Now that he is becoming doctor he is already commenting on my food habits lol , but oh well I got to take something good with something annoying things too Asha      

HostAsha

HostAsha

 

not feeling great about life in general right now

I am usually upbeat person, but last few days have thrown me off the track & I am not feeling so great about my life in general. ok now where do I begin, It started with my PMS, my blister which makes it harder to walk & trying something new at work & royally stuck because I don't know where to turn for help.   Now you got gist of my confused life, I still have lot to be thankful  for amazing family spouse, son, brother, sisters, mom, nieces & list is endless but I still feel lonely, miss having best friend with who I can yak & tell all my troubles.   Anyway I will stop complaining, I do have lot to be thankful about life in general  

HostAsha

HostAsha

 

hubby & I we both are on different level of our spiritual journey

I feel my hubby is very evolved in his spiritual growth journey, there are some things he is very good  like taking care of his responsibilities, he is amazing  dad, & human being but he is also very stubborn man & won't change his point of views to make other person happy, which sometimes does create conflict in our relationship, I   love him  & grateful for having him by my side, but my love is very conditional some times, I feel very annoyed when he won't do certain things which makes me happy. for example I feel we both have worked our tail off in achieving our American dream from day I landed in this country some 25 years ago, & after getting stroke at young age, I do have sense of urgency. I like to experience all finer things in life & I do feel I deserve every single bit of it.  Finer things in life does make me happy  though my happiness doubles if he also enjoys those things with me, versus, he does not care about it as much, he will be happy in all things, he thinks he gets equal joy from simple things in life & donate rest of the money away. versus my feeling is enjoy those finer things in life too. I don't want to cut corners on myself or my family to be donated away any more. I feel all my younger years i have made sacrifices & made peace with living in scarcity when I was young & able bodied person.  Now I want to enjoy with whatever abilities are still left with me. I know I need to work on my own happiness & don't worry about whether he joins in or not, & he needs to learn to enjoy things which gives his family pleasure.  he is very detached from us in that sense, his joy is not attached to seeing his family happy. So I am all torn & confused & still work in progress on my spiritual awakening path

HostAsha

HostAsha

 

beautiful mothers day gift

I realize God has been very kind to me in general. I am blessed to have amazing husband & very smart kido though he is very independent & hates me if I try to get him to do something. All through out his life he has been go-getter, if he wants something, he will work very hard & get what he wants. he is good in studies, sports & playing out with friends, he is not organized, will wait till last minute, which drives me to wall & stress out.  since his high-school years he wanted to get into medical field which he could have gotton right after his high school, which he had messed up due to his not  being  organized in 9th  grade & getting his grades slide a bit. Anyhow that taught him lesson so he did pretty well in his college years & applied to multiple medical colleges. Recently we found out he got accepted in few medical colleges. We all are so happy & thrilled about it, though what I am more proud of it was that I had asked him to assemble some cabinet I had ordered online, & he was givig me runaround for few weeks, fianally he came & did it for me in few hours. I was so happy & told him we will give him assembley money he saved us, & what he told me made me proud mom, he was like mom you are insulting me by saying you will pay me assembly money, we are family & we do things for each other. I was so happy told him, you know it really does not matter to me as much that you got into top medical schools or not , but what you said matters to me most. yes we would have been unhappy upset had he not gotten in medical school, but being nice human being who loves his family matters to us more. So I feel I got my mothers day gift already.    
 

we all have our everest to climb in life

Recently I watched very inspiring talk given by girl who lost her leg in senseless robbery & train accident. It was quite amazing to hear her talk about ordeal she went through. after she was thrown off  moving train for  resisting her gold chain robbery  & she fell on track & losing her leg in process.  Anyhow after she got treated with prosthetic leg, being national volleyball athlete she decided she would climb mount Everest with her prosthetic leg. Think about courage she had. one line stuck with me you are handicapped because of your limiting thoughts & not by your physical ability.  I was telling hubby about this girl's amazing journey & he said something very interesting lot of times in life we stop ourselves thinking OMG this is so hard and I can't do it, & when you push it through it & do it that's your mount Everest. I know in course of my day I go through many limiting thoughts, if I remember his line that this is my mount Everest, it will give me that courage strength to push past my fears.   Asha

HostAsha

HostAsha

 

another AHA for my sunday

I so look forward to my Sundays with my AHAs with super soul sunday & being married to my very spiritual, practical soulmate, my life is very rich with all ths AHAs. Today oprah while interviewing bradley cooper for his role in star is born as actor, director said "Art is kinda form of prayer", my husband quickly added Any work you do is a form of prayer, & AHA light bulb went in my head, its so true any work we do, if we do we should be doing as form of prayer, such that even if its volunteer work or you are working for money, or doing duties as mother & wife, it should be done as our prayer to God, & we try to do our best with our capabilities & not get attached to results, will give us most satisfaction in life   Asha  

HostAsha

HostAsha

 

I am such an idiot, simple problem trying to solve & go in circles

it has to be stroke deficit, but sometimes when trying to think through simple technical problem, one minute I have things  crystal clear in my mind & then after 5 mins it just disappears& I keep on trying to get to the solution & just chase my own tail in developing simple software code, which should be so easy. It is so frustrating the way I am doing my volunteer work, I am glad its volunteering or else I would have been fired so long ago. though people working in my team must be thinking such an idiot can't figure out simple things. but I guess that's the reason I am retired from the work force since my cognitive skills are impaired  

HostAsha

HostAsha

 

Its going to be my 15 year stroke anniversary-valentine day combo

This Feb 8 it will be my 15th stroke anniversary valentine day. I can't believe it has been 15 years since I have been to valley of my life's journey, though old wisdom is right you find out who is truly yours when you are at your rock bottom, who is willing to lend you hand & get you out of mud. I found out who truly loves me & willing to stand by me when I was in my worst shape of my life. my siblings, mom, spouse, our son were biggest motivator in me pushing hard to fight for life which is now very stimulating& satisfying.I never knew I could still find so much happiness in my life, even when it felt like my life was over. I guess being stubborn & go with flow personality helps. I guess If I want something or believe in something, I won't give up. & me believing that I have full responsibility towards our son  & he deserves better mom, made me always push myself more, & seeing positive results of it, made me push my boundaries even further. & after 15 years on this journey. life is good again. its different than how I would have envisioned it, though there is still lot of joy in it, Since we started celebrating as  our valentine day I don't dread my stroke anniversary, I actually look forward to it.  Its usually Broadway show with nice dinner & flowers  kind of family date. Anyway I see lot of  good things have happened in my life last year. I pushed envelop little further which have helped my self confidence even further. Few things I learnt hard way, but my life is richer due to it.  hope whoever is reading this blog, never gives up & keep fighting & see how beautifully life will unfold for you the way it did for me   Asha    

HostAsha

HostAsha

 

post traumetic growth or stress can occur after post traumetic event

As all of you aware by now I love watching Oprah's super soul sunday series on her OWN channel. I love listening spiritual awakening books or discussion, since I always learn something new from them even if its repeat. This Sunday was no different, when facebook COO sheryl Sandburg talking about her book lean in. Book she wrote after sudden death of her young husband while  exercising  on readmill  while family was vacationing in costa rica.  She talked about how post traumatic growth can also occur in person instead of stress after traumatic event happen  in person's life. I fully agree with that statement, but I also feel having  solid support system around them helps, she talked about how gratitude helps, I also feel having reason bigger than yourself also helps to pull yourself together, & given enough time has passed also helps. you can see how things finally have unfolded in your life & seeing everything fall into place again more beautifully, you can see that beautiful post traumatic growth she was talking about.  it was one of my AHA moment of Sunday.

HostAsha

HostAsha

 

what will be my one word for year 2019

Happy New year everyone. time is flying by so fast. 2018 got over so quickly, My 2018 was year to be grateful for, lot of new & challenging things happening in my life, though with those challenges also came  feeling confident in myself was biggest reward Though lot of times during year felt like giving up, but with not giving up, I see growth in myself. I grew more confident in my ability than inability. Now 2019 is here, year brings in lot of anticipation. I am scared & praying hard for everything to fall in place for our son. Its year full of anticipation & I wish & pray all his hard-work pays off & he is well onto path of his chosen field.   Asha

HostAsha

HostAsha

 

We are back from our worldwind vacation

Since hubby's most of the family still back in India, we do go & visit India every two years. traveling with me  is bit scary sometimes, we both have to be extra careful of me not stumble anywhere & fall on uneven terrain, which in India there are plenty when we go visit our home cities & our village  where construction is always going on on roads. & not railings to hold anywhere except hand of my family member.hubby always had me in his death grip lol. This year I made plan in such a way that we took halt in dubai for 3 days before going to India, against hubby's desire. hubby is never interested in going to any saudi country as an american tourist. he always think world is so big why take chances. So Egypt, Russia, North korea is not going to feature in our travel plans any time soon.  We had lot of fun in our travel. In Dubai we did most of our touristy points in our three days. We did desert safari which was riding on sand dunes in SUV. you get motion sickness going up & down on dunes & feeling OMG this vehicle is going to topple now, but thankfully due to skill of driver you come out laughing. We saw most beautiful mosque in abudhabhi where you have to wear burkha while visiting mosque. you realize this oil rich country has so much money to spend on mosque, & their palaces. We had major jetag confusion in dubai but no harm was done it was just funny, we thought it was next day early morning  & went for breakfast & it turned out to be still evening, so it was dinner time, only drawback was I ended up taking shower two times & we packed up early lol. We both enjoyed Dubai then on our way to India, met our grandchild (my niece's son) for the first time & hubby's whole family. hubby hs big family he is youngest of 7 brothers & sister, so its always joy meeting every one. Usually there is always one or two new member to meet in his family. This time it turned out to be new family member in my side of the family. & no new member in his side of the family. hubby said jokingly that productivity has gone down in his side of the family this year lol.  This year while traveling fortunately I did not fall anywhere like last time, though my sister-in-law & brother-in-law fell, luckily no one got majorly injured & it was just bruise to their ego. We are finally home & in our bed though it still takes time to orient myself which way I have to go for bathroom in the night.    

HostAsha

HostAsha

 

celebrated another birthday with my loved ones feel so blessed

I  still have jet-lag of happiness. on Friday celebrated another birthday with my loved ones, I feel so blessed to be surrounded by so much love.  I got jackpot in set of family & friends who decided to stick by us & come in our life. feel so fortunate to have all of them in our life. like every year hubby took day off my birthday & we visited my favorite temples with our friends & dinner at one of my favorite restaurant. every one who mattered called or left messages for my birthday, party extended till weekend, my sister planned big get together at her home & sister in law made cake from scratch, so big fun party at sisters place.  I turned  49 this year, I had never imagined I could be still happy after stroke. & I can be still life of party even with my disability. I am thankful for my sense of humor which is still as sharp as before, so I am still able to laugh on myself & others. I don't care about my dance ability any more, as long as I am having fun that's what matters.  & nowadays I  don't care what others think of the way I look or dance, I find myself very inspiring with the way I am, so fun life goes on.   Asha

HostAsha

HostAsha

 

stepping out of comfort zone brings so much growth in life

I am the person who is afraid to make decisions for the fear of getting it wrong. Since I feel happy & my ego gets boosted when decision I made turned out to be beneficial for our family. So any big decisions when money is involved I put it on hubby, which is not good way of being strong independent woman. Its not that hubby doesn't make mistakes, he does too, but he never  makes it equate to him being failure. when hubby makes wrong decision, he has courage to stand behind that decision & make it right again, in some he looses but gains valuable experience & confidence, which I lack since I am afraid to make a mistake since I only want to hear how good I am & not you suck mom. Now slowly getting that confidence that any decisions made in life is good thing, either it will boost your confidence for doing things correctly first time or teach you valuable lesson in life. We all have to learn from our mistakes & grow from it. Sometimes things that scare us most are good teaching tools for us.   Asha

HostAsha

HostAsha

 

Sunday reserved for my spiritual awakening

I am woman with still work in progress. I keep on learning, forgetting & relearning my lessons. Some lessons my life experiences has taught me are hardest to learn & I still struggle with those from time to time. Though I am blessed in a way, that since I gravitate towards those kind of people who can share their spiritual wisdom & get me on right path any time I struggle,.I have been surrounded  by amazing set of people who put me back on right path. So that brings amazing joy in my life. Anyway these Sunday some of us met & discussing  these big questions life throws at us like why I am here & what's purpose of my life. I was telling every one that how when good things happen in your life, we are likely to take all credit for it, but as soon as something goes wrong in life then you start questioning God & where is he, why did he allowed something so bad happen in my life. One of the argument was made, you need to put God first in your life, in good times & in bad times, he gets all credit. Hubby said wonderful thing while we were walking home, he was like why do we have to label any event as good or bad, events are just events in our life, we got to deal with them as they come along in our life. two very thought provoking statements which straightens me & my ego out.   Asha    

HostAsha

HostAsha

 

I feel so lucky to be married to nicest guy most of the days :)

I know I keep on saying this, but realizing something amazing about my hubby after 27 years of marriage is funny. That shows you how I am so  different  in understanding different love languages of people. ok back to my life. I recently realized something wonderful hubby used to do when I had just come in this country out of love, duty or fear for my safety, so I never paid attention to it & took it for granted.  Anyhow here is   story, after our marriage when I first came to this country, we used to live in New York city. It was 1990s, NYC was not as safe is as it is today. Anyhow in those times there were no cell phones to communicate, internet was not very ubiquitous  yet.  I used to take graduate level courses in university in new Jersey & we did not have car so I used to take public transportation so none of us had any control over its reaching time schedule. but on my class days he would always be there waiting on subway station to take me home, since walk home was not very safe in the evening. In my own frustration of spending few hours in public transportation to reach home, I don't ever remember wondering how long did he have to wait for me. Though recently I realized it while talking with old friends about old struggling days, & light-bulb went on, that hey asha do you realize how lucky I am to be married to such a steadfast, dependable guy. So had to share here, so I never forget   Asha    

HostAsha

HostAsha

 

I love life with all its lessons which is making my life so much meaningful & fun

As you all know by now I enjoy & love my life including all lessons & blessings that come my way. Recently we reconnected with our spiritual group which I was active before while taking kido to his indian languge classes & vedic hinduisim classes where they were learning  about two epics Ramayana & Mahabharata of India. where one epic taught them about how to be noble human being so what we should strive to become by following God ramas footsteps,  & other epic taught them what we should not do & in one of the epic lord answered student all questions we encounter in our life journey where you question all those deep questions of the life.   So anyways after kido grown up  & we had lost touch with this  elite group which are full of learned intellectuals & now accidentally we reconnected again & I feel my life has become so much richer due to interactions with highly intellectual people. I feel so blessed to be surrounded by some classy people.  learned something so  interesting yesterday which wanted to write down so that I don't forget in flurries of living life. one of the interesting thing host talked about is how to  worship God. & one of the example used was like how river forged their path & go through some difficult terrain & pave the way & finally merges into ocean by shedding all their identity in process of finally merging into ocean.  that's how we should be worshiping God.  I know I still need to work on my ego & shed that. I realized I am blessed & can't take any credits for anything in life. Though I am so thankful for people, books & everything & everybody who has en lighted my life,  for that I send big thanks & love to the universe.   Asha  

HostAsha

HostAsha

 

tidbits of my life

I am pretty much go with flow personality, & had never known some of the other good qualities about me which I was not sure of before,   & now learning about me every day & always think damn my husband is so lucky to be married to me 😄 maybe I should also tell him that. Anyways what's new with my life recently our kido had severe allergic reaction to soy protein powder he had which he had after his exercise. usally at home he takes whey protein, since he was at college & didn't have that, he decided to take his friends soy protein & he had bad allergic reaction, he calls us telling us to get benedryl  & he will be fine after he takes shower & med. after e came home, one look at him & I told him lets go to ER after you take benedryl. he had hives on his body & eyes were all swollen. luckily his throat was fine. So after few hours at ER & some miraculous med we came home. l am glad it wasn't worse off than what it was, & it became good teaching moment for all of us. I keep on telling him get your vitamins from food & not from this processed powder we don't have any control over it, finally it sunk in him that MOM is RIGHT. Anyway going to ER make me realize our son has become mature adult, he handled everything by himself, we were just concerned parents sitting on sidelines & feeling proud of our future doctor who will learn to become compassionate by being patient himself. What else is new in my life, recently we decided to convert out half bath to full bath, so that  our both floors can become livable & I don't have to go upstairs for any reason in case I end up having surgery for my torn miniscus.  I realized I really underestimate myself  in lot  of things. I  never enjoy designing process cause it is hard for me to imagine how things will look with particular design. but I do realize I do have good taste in things, & now that our bathroom remodeling is done.  I love it the way it turned out. So another lesson learnt, I am PERFECT   the way I am &  whoever people are in my life willingly are  lucky to have me in their life 😄   Asha    

HostAsha

HostAsha

 

I know my problems are nothing compared to what others are going through

I do have love hate relationship with my husband, in some things he is angel &  I love him for his behavior & in some cases he will act so indifferently that you wonder does he really likes to be with you or not. like I say he is great dad & husband in taking care of his responsibilities, you feel relaxed because you know he will make sure things gets done. but ask him anything I would like to do like go on some fancy vacation or going to restaurant, he will be least interested & you wonder whether he likes to spend time with you or not. but he does not stop me from planning it, but he is least interested in showing any enthusiasm for it. So I  feel I m dragging him & that reduces my joy, though after every time we go on vacation together because of my nature of going with flow we end up having lot of fun. So I hate that part of him, anything I want to do his first instinct will be to say no & then he will come around saying yes which reduces my joy. finally after my stroke I have learnt only I can control my happiness & not give any button of my happiness in other people's hands. But I hate that feeling as if you are living unattached single person, cause I would like to feel as family who takes care of each other joys & sorrows. Just writing down my own thoughts & confusion about life, love & family  

HostAsha

HostAsha

 

even when you are broken open realizing not everything is broken is so important

Sunday is my super soul Day, I get AHAs by dozen &  it is fun to see my whole journey getting validated by so many others who have walked on similar path of suffering I had been through when I felt such a huge loss of my dream of how things should be shattering into pieces, but realizing in midst of all that suffering not everything was broken, even though I was all broken open. I am so blessed to be married to such a great guy along with my sister reminding me to notice those positives when I was so much surrounded by all the family & friends 24X7. I couldn't have asked better family than my own.  Anyhow back to sermon I got today on my super soul Sunday where Mark Nepo was pointing it out that realizing this in midst of suffering that not everything is broken in your life even when you feel like there is nothing left gives person strength, I know It did help me when I was surrounded by so much love even when I felt like my life was ruined & I didn't have any reason to live.   Asha  

HostAsha

HostAsha

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