I still have jet-lag of happiness. on Friday celebrated another birthday with my loved ones, I feel so blessed to be surrounded by so much love. I got jackpot in set of family & friends who decided to stick by us & come in our life. feel so fortunate to have all of them in our life. like every year hubby took day off my birthday & we visited my favorite temples with our friends & dinner at one of my favorite restaurant. every one who mattered called or left messages for my birthday, party extended till weekend, my sister planned big get together at her home & sister in law made cake from scratch, so big fun party at sisters place. I turned 49 this year, I had never imagined I could be still happy after stroke. & I can be still life of party even with my disability. I am thankful for my sense of humor which is still as sharp as before, so I am still able to laugh on myself & others. I don't care about my dance ability any more, as long as I am having fun that's what matters. & nowadays I don't care what others think of the way I look or dance, I find myself very inspiring with the way I am, so fun life goes on.
I am the person who is afraid to make decisions for the fear of getting it wrong. Since I feel happy & my ego gets boosted when decision I made turned out to be beneficial for our family. So any big decisions when money is involved I put it on hubby, which is not good way of being strong independent woman. Its not that hubby doesn't make mistakes, he does too, but he never makes it equate to him being failure. when hubby makes wrong decision, he has courage to stand behind that decision & make it right again, in some he looses but gains valuable experience & confidence, which I lack since I am afraid to make a mistake since I only want to hear how good I am & not you suck mom. Now slowly getting that confidence that any decisions made in life is good thing, either it will boost your confidence for doing things correctly first time or teach you valuable lesson in life. We all have to learn from our mistakes & grow from it. Sometimes things that scare us most are good teaching tools for us.
I am woman with still work in progress. I keep on learning, forgetting & relearning my lessons. Some lessons my life experiences has taught me are hardest to learn & I still struggle with those from time to time. Though I am blessed in a way, that since I gravitate towards those kind of people who can share their spiritual wisdom & get me on right path any time I struggle,.I have been surrounded by amazing set of people who put me back on right path. So that brings amazing joy in my life. Anyway these Sunday some of us met & discussing these big questions life throws at us like why I am here & what's purpose of my life. I was telling every one that how when good things happen in your life, we are likely to take all credit for it, but as soon as something goes wrong in life then you start questioning God & where is he, why did he allowed something so bad happen in my life. One of the argument was made, you need to put God first in your life, in good times & in bad times, he gets all credit. Hubby said wonderful thing while we were walking home, he was like why do we have to label any event as good or bad, events are just events in our life, we got to deal with them as they come along in our life. two very thought provoking statements which straightens me & my ego out.
I know I keep on saying this, but realizing something amazing about my hubby after 27 years of marriage is funny. That shows you how I am so different in understanding different love languages of people. ok back to my life. I recently realized something wonderful hubby used to do when I had just come in this country out of love, duty or fear for my safety, so I never paid attention to it & took it for granted. Anyhow here is story, after our marriage when I first came to this country, we used to live in New York city. It was 1990s, NYC was not as safe is as it is today. Anyhow in those times there were no cell phones to communicate, internet was not very ubiquitous yet. I used to take graduate level courses in university in new Jersey & we did not have car so I used to take public transportation so none of us had any control over its reaching time schedule. but on my class days he would always be there waiting on subway station to take me home, since walk home was not very safe in the evening. In my own frustration of spending few hours in public transportation to reach home, I don't ever remember wondering how long did he have to wait for me. Though recently I realized it while talking with old friends about old struggling days, & light-bulb went on, that hey asha do you realize how lucky I am to be married to such a steadfast, dependable guy. So had to share here, so I never forget
As you all know by now I enjoy & love my life including all lessons & blessings that come my way. Recently we reconnected with our spiritual group which I was active before while taking kido to his indian languge classes & vedic hinduisim classes where they were learning about two epics Ramayana & Mahabharata of India. where one epic taught them about how to be noble human being so what we should strive to become by following God ramas footsteps, & other epic taught them what we should not do & in one of the epic lord answered student all questions we encounter in our life journey where you question all those deep questions of the life.
So anyways after kido grown up & we had lost touch with this elite group which are full of learned intellectuals & now accidentally we reconnected again & I feel my life has become so much richer due to interactions with highly intellectual people. I feel so blessed to be surrounded by some classy people. learned something so interesting yesterday which wanted to write down so that I don't forget in flurries of living life. one of the interesting thing host talked about is how to worship God. & one of the example used was like how river forged their path & go through some difficult terrain & pave the way & finally merges into ocean by shedding all their identity in process of finally merging into ocean. that's how we should be worshiping God. I know I still need to work on my ego & shed that. I realized I am blessed & can't take any credits for anything in life. Though I am so thankful for people, books & everything & everybody who has en lighted my life, for that I send big thanks & love to the universe.
I am pretty much go with flow personality, & had never known some of the other good qualities about me which I was not sure of before, & now learning about me every day & always think damn my husband is so lucky to be married to me 😄 maybe I should also tell him that. Anyways what's new with my life recently our kido had severe allergic reaction to soy protein powder he had which he had after his exercise. usally at home he takes whey protein, since he was at college & didn't have that, he decided to take his friends soy protein & he had bad allergic reaction, he calls us telling us to get benedryl & he will be fine after he takes shower & med. after e came home, one look at him & I told him lets go to ER after you take benedryl. he had hives on his body & eyes were all swollen. luckily his throat was fine. So after few hours at ER & some miraculous med we came home. l am glad it wasn't worse off than what it was, & it became good teaching moment for all of us. I keep on telling him get your vitamins from food & not from this processed powder we don't have any control over it, finally it sunk in him that MOM is RIGHT. Anyway going to ER make me realize our son has become mature adult, he handled everything by himself, we were just concerned parents sitting on sidelines & feeling proud of our future doctor who will learn to become compassionate by being patient himself. What else is new in my life, recently we decided to convert out half bath to full bath, so that our both floors can become livable & I don't have to go upstairs for any reason in case I end up having surgery for my torn miniscus. I realized I really underestimate myself in lot of things. I never enjoy designing process cause it is hard for me to imagine how things will look with particular design. but I do realize I do have good taste in things, & now that our bathroom remodeling is done. I love it the way it turned out.
So another lesson learnt, I am PERFECT the way I am & whoever people are in my life willingly are lucky to have me in their life 😄
I do have love hate relationship with my husband, in some things he is angel & I love him for his behavior & in some cases he will act so indifferently that you wonder does he really likes to be with you or not. like I say he is great dad & husband in taking care of his responsibilities, you feel relaxed because you know he will make sure things gets done. but ask him anything I would like to do like go on some fancy vacation or going to restaurant, he will be least interested & you wonder whether he likes to spend time with you or not. but he does not stop me from planning it, but he is least interested in showing any enthusiasm for it. So I feel I m dragging him & that reduces my joy, though after every time we go on vacation together because of my nature of going with flow we end up having lot of fun. So I hate that part of him, anything I want to do his first instinct will be to say no & then he will come around saying yes which reduces my joy. finally after my stroke I have learnt only I can control my happiness & not give any button of my happiness in other people's hands. But I hate that feeling as if you are living unattached single person, cause I would like to feel as family who takes care of each other joys & sorrows. Just writing down my own thoughts & confusion about life, love & family
Sunday is my super soul Day, I get AHAs by dozen & it is fun to see my whole journey getting validated by so many others who have walked on similar path of suffering I had been through when I felt such a huge loss of my dream of how things should be shattering into pieces, but realizing in midst of all that suffering not everything was broken, even though I was all broken open. I am so blessed to be married to such a great guy along with my sister reminding me to notice those positives when I was so much surrounded by all the family & friends 24X7. I couldn't have asked better family than my own. Anyhow back to sermon I got today on my super soul Sunday where Mark Nepo was pointing it out that realizing this in midst of suffering that not everything is broken in your life even when you feel like there is nothing left gives person strength, I know It did help me when I was surrounded by so much love even when I felt like my life was ruined & I didn't have any reason to live.
Usually every two years I go & meet physiatrist to fill up paper work & see if he has any good idea for us to try. After 14 years of visiting him, he has become friend to us so meeting him is always pleasure & fun, he gives me hard time & reminds me to wear my AFO as I might not get lucky in my future falls, as according to him & hubby I am not getting any younger any more lol. They both know booboo I have accumulted so far So I better wear my AFO. It's always fun arguing with him about my reasons & ofcourse meeting all those young doctors also fun I enjoy teaching them they are affecting life of real people here & they are making huge difference in quality of life of people by doing their job & also seeing our son in them makes me so happy.
Recently I had to fill up some government paperwork for getting indian visa & I decided if my brother can do it, I can do it & start the process, man it took me solid few days to finally everything filled up correctly, I feel I deserve vacation after accomplishing that job & feel so smart now. I think my IQ level must have doubled in doing that exercise lol. Anyhow when you accomplish something in life it does make you feel happy. So I am happy camper right now
I struggled big time after my stroke thinking why did I survived my stroke in such a bad shape, what's the purpose of my life, having young family at home gave me courage & strength to fight on, in my mind I always thought God wanted me to be around for our young son & hubby, my sister joked at that age of hubby it would have been difficult to find him new wife too lol, which used to crack me up till my college friend reminded me, he got dove so it wouldn't have been too difficult for him, so joke was on me, but anyhow I thought purpose of me surviving was for them. I don't have any clue whats the purpose of my life any more. Though I now don't worry about it either, I just take one day at a time & have fun every day. I enjoy my life to fullest. I enjoy nature, my walks, my friends, my family, everything. I read great line by Tao Chinese philosopher, which says one who persists is a person of a purpose, which makes full sense to me, I persisted right after my stroke thinking about my young family, today life is fun & meaningful in everything I do.
I have read about it, that doing gratitude journal & being nice to others are easy happy feelings booster. I will do my gratitude journal whenever I remember from time to time, but never knew even thank you letter can bring out such a great happy feelings. In my post stroke journey I have encountered ton of doctors most were very nice to us some had better bedside manners than others, but my cardiologist who sealed hole in my heart was way kinder to me & will always have special place in our heart. We are all very thankful to him, & today after 14 years when our son starts writing his medical college application essay & he still remembers cardiologist who did innovative surgery on his mom with minimum downtime. It reminded us of great doctor with amazing bedside manners & who had kissed me on my cheek during our consultation visit with my husband after listening to ordeal we had gone through & now came to him for alternative surgery instead of open heart surgery to fix that hole in my heart.
Anyhow sending him that thank you note made me feel so good, hope it brightens his day too. I can see power of being kind & nice to others is biggest mood booster. such simple tricks to do in life to be happy person.
I love Oprah's super soul Sunday series & love authors she talks to on her show, it opens up my world & I get so many AHAs & feel great about my own journey. This week she was talking to Eat,Pray & love Author Elizabeth Gilbert, who was sharing her life experiences & strength she got from reading Heros journey by Joseph Campbell. In a nutshell all of us are called to do something out of our comfort zone & when we face our fears & accept the challenges given to us, that's when hero is born. & in that challenge lot of time we all get fear whether we will be able to do it or not based on our our fears & we either accept challenge or ignore it, but when we accept challenge that's when hero is born, since this journey is never easy, its filled with lot of fear, people not helping & lot of other drama, but when we rise to occasion something beautiful comes out of this experience. Our challenges & sufferings are our biggest teachers, if we , instead of resisting, go with flow & learn lesson it is trying to teach us, something very beautiful & powerful comes out of that suffering. whole hour while watching show I was going YES SO TRUE.
I remember asking God to show me some sign that I am on right path when I had decided to go on disability, & my attention was drawn to logo of college I was attending which was upside down of company I was leaving behind. & I remember feeling at peace with my decision, & today looking it back I feel it was one of the best decisions of our life. today I am actually thankful to all my experiences in my life it has taught me some great lessons & I am thankful for all those lessons. Just today while enjoying our Sunday brunch at home while watching birds on our feeder & feeling so happy & was telling hubby missed all these relaxing morning when we were young, since you are always thinking of what things need to be done instead of enjoying your present "now". My stroke experience taught me to be in present moment.
as most of you know I am blessed with amazing family, who has great dad who provides his unconditional love to all of us & we also have very bright son who on most days is nicest, wise young man who does right things, but I find it sometime we have to push him hard or ask ton of questions before he will do things which is utmost important at this point in his life, so it just escapes me what is he really scared of, why is he not doing what is required of him to do, to be successful in life. I get so annoyed when after telling him something to do million time & he will say yes & when time comes he will not keep his words, such a childish behavior escapes me. I blame me since its not hubby's quality, that lazy quality is of mine lol. but I have learnt my lessons through some of those mistakes of mine, & I don't want him to go through hardship because of it, why not learn from mommy's mistakes than learning from his own. Anyway I had to vent. I just pray he never pay costly price for his laziness. I tell him he is lucky we are his parents so we won't give up on him & keep on trying our best but be worried when other people start giving up on you, and you loose best opportunities in life.
Happy Mothers day Everyone. hope every one celebrated mothers day in their own special way. I did too, I feel so grateful & blessed to have wonderful son & hubby who made sure that they follow my orders on what I want to do on mothers day :). and we all had great time together. We went to see great Indian movie & I also feel same way how lead role character tells his son to do when he dies, whistle instead of crying when he is gone, that's what I am telling my family too, I m telling my family to do the same, whistle with joy that I lived my life with full of joy.
I am thankful for this stroke also which gave me second chance to enjoy my family and this world with complete different perspective. I am grateful for all new opportunities, friends, books I have encountered post stroke which has made the person I am today. life is great once again with full of meaning & joy, nothing I do any more today without appreciating the fact that I feel so lucky to be able to do simple things in life. who would have thought doing home chores & going to bathroom without audience can bring so much joy in one's life, I agree so much with Diana Nyad who says when things gets tough in life you have to find a way. I do feel with supportive family & my own initiative I have found a way to appreciate all days. Since I have seen in my own life after dreadful day sun eventually comes out, it is just behind those clouds, all I have to do till then, is just keep my head above water & not drown myself in self pity.
ok found reason for my good leg knee pain, I have torn miniscus in my knee. if it hurts a lot then surgery needed to remove it, but in future it can cause arthritis & knee replacement surgery or deal with pain meds since knee is not yet so bad that it gives out or locks. you know how the world feels when you are in pain, sunshine, flowers, warm temp, ocean water, beauty, money all feels worthless when you are in pain lol. how our view on life & world can change in an instant when you are in pain. of course I have very loving family who gets stronger & closer when one of us in trouble, & usually its me cause hubby is stronger tan me in dealing with these kind of things. they both call me high maintenance person since I feel & see their love when they both are by my side & keeps on checking on me by phone calls or texts. Anyway I am old enough to know I still got of positives in my life to focus on in life than just focus on this little pain
Right now I am going through severe pain in my good leg & I feel guilty for putting my lovely family through trouble because of me. I was thinking how will I ever compensate my family for putting them through my health melodrama. I was praying to God that maybe I should get lottery & if I win that way at least I won't be burden on them. My "rich"(content) husband reminded me he has enough & all he wants is my health nothing more. I was telling him money is not for him, money is there for me to make me feel better about my existence lol. I just pray OTC pain meds works & I m pain free.
As I am going through my own life's experiences, I am realizing power of grit. hubby always says I am very fast in some of the things than him, but there is underlying difference between him & me, hubby never gives up on any thing even when things get very hard case in point our own marriage after my stroke, giving up on us was so easy, I was so close to doing it, thank god for our young son & all support from my family & friends, that I persisted & learnt valuable lesson of life, to be successful in life Grit & being organized plays valuable role in life. Slowly & steadily I am developing that grit muscle in my life.
I guess what I am trying to say here as long as one don't give up & keep on trying help comes along & life becomes beautiful again, that's my spiritual lesson of the week " Never give up & keep on pushing the envelope & somehow God will help out along the way & you will be on your path of happy new normal"
I am really blessed person to be married to real patient guy who has always lifted me up from day we got married, yes he has its own other faults, he is man of very few words, & he is not romantic guy. but he does right things, he is our encourager in chief. When we first married & I came to this country, we were starting out in this foreign land with nothing but just each other & two suitcase of clothes & some pots & pans. he was making sure to save enough so that he can send me to graduate school, luckily I got job right away in high tech company based on my college education & company I worked for paid partially for my graduate studies. so we were fine, but hubby has always encouraged me to do more in my life, while I was working full time & going to college in the evening, he was my equal support system I can count on. fast forward 10-15 years in my life & I had to go through my stroke journey & without this patient caregiver who has made me thrive back in my life so much easier. I learnt valuable lesson of what love really means. Every time I wanted to give up in this post stroke journey he gave me strength, reason & hope for better tomorrow, & glad I persisted, life has become so much fulfilling & I love to be around people. I never had thought I would find happiness again. my husband is is such a patient guy, he never rushed to helped me, & would wait patiently till I figure out how to do things for myself & ready to help me any time if I ask for any help. Those qualities of his made me more independent & confident in my new abilities. Anyway later in my life after kido went to college he encouraged me again to do more for myself, he encouraged me to learn new things in near by community college & step out of my comfort zone & learn new things, and once again I m thriving & enjoying life again. Anyhow I feel so lucky to be married to such a great guy who has supported me every day & when he is around me, I know we will be fine whatever happens in our life.
So many things going on in my life, that I have it to get off my brain & on here, so that I can make a room for new fun-filled memories. one of the highlight is our son just turned 21 & also scored well in his exams. the way he procrastinates till last moment, hubby & I were wondering & congratulating ourselves, that maybe someone watching over him for him to do so well without working hard. He does work hard but at very last moment & that does make both of us sweat & make very uncomfortable. Anyhow now to next unpleasant topic I do have knee pain in my good leg, I am managing it with OTC meds & other pain relief ointments. Pain is no fun though it does have power to put things in perspective. Another thing I am noticing about people around me people have stopped excusing me for using my stroke card like we do for our son. he can't use excuses for not doing something he was asked for.
Nothing new to report here, time just fly by. I blink & weekend is gone & so does the week. recently after my fall on stairs I was having pain in my good leg knee, went to doctor to get it checked & according to him, he did not see any fracture or any other major trouble so his suggestion was take OTC pain relievers like aleve or anti-inflammation pills. pain is no fun, though it has power to push you to dark place fast if you don't keep eye on your thoughts. So I am keeping eye on my thoughts. Sunday is usually reserved for watching my super soul sunday show on oprah's OWN channel which does great job of mood equalizer and puts me on right direction. yesterday she was talking to author Iyanla vanzat about her new book trust. listening to author about her life experiences which were rock bottom & still finding courage to climb up from that muck was quite inspiring. We all are total sum of our experiences in life & our decisions & choices we make during our life's journey. I realize having great set of parents & family did give me head start in my life, parents who made sure to give us best education & always looking out for us, things we take for granted.
as most of you who follow my blogs will know this about me that I love reading books & get very energized by spiritual thoughts or books or movies that make me think & go AHA there that's what I feel & now feel wow its all now falling into place. Today heard Hoda kotb on Today's show mentioning that just talent in itself does not make you successful, Its also other trait that you don't give up & still show up day after day even when things get tougher, that makes person successful & that line clicked with me that was my AHA moment of the day. its sticking out with something you feel is worthwhile is underline good quality of the successful people.
now next to another interesting topic recently watched movie POST after hearing great reviews about it & gotten recommendation from blogger I admire, was in my list to do this last weekend, & boy we were not disappointed . Near the end of the movie they quoted Justice Hugo Black’s argument for ruling in favor of the two newspaper’s right to publish the then-classified Pentagon Papers and against Nixon’s attempt to control the press and I was able to google his words. They’re important words, words that matter today every bit as much as they did in 1971 when the court ruled 6 to 3. He wrote, “In the First Amendment the Founding Fathers gave the free press the protection it must have to fulfill its essential role in our democracy. The press was to serve the governed, not the governors.
my life today is so much richer & interesting because of these two different subjects. I am loving the new me. I feel making me aware of all good, bad traits about me is giving me opportunity to grow into person I am proud of. like I know I still need to develop trait of being assertive without feeling bitchy about it, the trait The Washington Post's Katharine Graham (Streep) developed over the course of her stepping into role of first female publisher of the post after her husband's death.
I am so tired & need vacation to recover from our vacation. after we came home from our vacation we had guests from India & canada, so I did not get breather to recover from our vacation & my fall right after our vacation was also no help. luckily it was nothing major & just bruised ego & scared me for few days. hubby was also sick so no help anywhere. I think now that guests r gone I will be able to recover this weekend & get into my old routine back. I get all rattled when my routine is upset, though I end up going with flow & enjoy the day, but still feel something amiss in my day. Currently I am reading great book. I don't know how but I have always found for me I have found right people, books, friends in my life when I needed them most. & some with lot of efforts on my part, some fell in my lap on its own like this book, which has made me firm believer there r no accidents in life. any how life has its own ups & downs some days r good, some not so but eh who cares I am happy person as long as I get up & have my morning coffee with amazing breakfast, life is good in my mind lol. book I m reading right now is following one.
SuperBetter: The Power of Living Gamefully
Sep 13, 2016
by Jane McGonigal
recently hubby & I traveled to India to visit our family members back home, this year we had planned pilgrimage trip to temples in Nepal & India with hubby's family. My brother in law had done all arrangements & off we all went. there were in total 10 of us with different ability & disability, so it was entertainment in itself to get us off the bus or to location. three out of 10 people had hearing issues & two of us had walking issues. luckily every one liked every one, so there were no issues there. we had my two sister in laws taking care of hubby's older sister who had recently broken both of her wrists & used cane for walking, & hubby was my caretaker who will not let go of my hand or me. though in uneven terrain when I decided not to use his help, I did stumble & went down & hit my head on iron pole. luckily it was just superficial cut & was treated by doctor near by who got big chuckle when I asked him will I survive this fall? of-course that made hubby also relaxed that his Asha is back who is always laughing or singing badly in his ears during our trip. I just realized good quality about me, that I am one happy person & can find joy in all circumstances of life, which makes people around me also very happy.no wonder I get along well with every body I come in contact with. I also attended my niece's wedding & it was awesome. In this trip we took excursion to fly over mount Everest & it was breath taking trip. makes one wonder why any one would climb such a tall mountain or do this arduous journey. Overall I feel so grateful & joyful to be able to spend time with my lovely family. I feel grateful that my disability isn't so bad that hubby & I get deprived of this joyful vacations. So I am one happy person right now even though I have back ache, neck-ache from 16 hours flight. though happy to be home again & get my home bed & home bathroom.
I know we should do this every day, but I have decided to do at least on thanksgiving day things I am grateful for
1. I am grateful to be still alive & with my loving family who are always by my side on my good, bad & worst days, that makes my life journey so much joyous & meaningful.
2. I am grateful that I can still walk, talk & enjoy life to fullest.
3. I am grateful that my sense of humor is still intact so that I am able to laugh through my difficulties & still able to have loads of fun.
4. I am grateful for family & friends who chose to stay or come in our life & some who decided to walk away, taught me some great lessons in life.
5. I am grateful for all experiences in my life, they have made my life so much richer & meaningful due to it.
6. grateful for my stroke too, it taught me some beautiful lessons in life which otherwise I would have missed it
7. grateful for all of our abundance in life, which I had never even imagined in my life. God has been very kind to us & I am thankful for all of it.
8. I am grateful for my loving husband & our loving & mature son without them this life would have been meaningless, joyless & boring.
9 grateful for my mom, brother, sisters,my in laws all of them make my life so much colorful & joyous.
10. I am grateful for this second chance.
recently someone sent message on what's app about race & how some people get ahead in life aka race thanks to other conditions in their life which does not mean they were smarter than others or anything. Sometime you do feel cocky & feel oh its all you & not realize how you were blessed to have set of parents who made right choices in life for you & raised you well which allowed you to get so many opportunities along the way, so can't puff your chest & think oh its all me & not realizing how you were placed ahead in life's race by your loving parents who did right thing. I remember growing up & even in my adulthood I blamed my mom for being too strict & always comparing me with other siblings or neighborhood friends to inspire me to work hard & do more yes those techniques did create other side effects for which I blamed my mom. but now that I m mother & mature enough to understand all those tricks & able to forgive my mom in my head & heart. I am actually so thankful for having set of parents we had, mom did most of the heavy lifting in raising us & dad stayed in background providing for us with best of his ability. I have been talking with all my cousins recently, & that thought has been running my head, I can see with our set of parents we did get head start in our life & all us siblings did pretty well in our life. yes all of us have gone through our set of troubles in life but by helping each other out & being there for each other we have done good in life.