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stroke survivorthoughts

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achandra

pain is no fun

Right now I am going through severe pain in my good leg & I feel guilty for putting my lovely family through trouble because of me. I was thinking how will I ever compensate my family for putting them through my health melodrama. I was praying to God that maybe I should get lottery & if I win that way at least I won't be burden on them. My "rich"(content) husband reminded me he has enough & all he wants is my health nothing  more. I was telling him money is not for him, money is there for me  to make me feel better about my existence lol.  I just pray OTC pain meds works & I m pain free.

 

Asha

 

 

achandra

As I am going through my own life's experiences, I am realizing power of grit. hubby always says I am very fast  in  some of the things than him, but there is underlying difference between him & me, hubby never gives up on any thing even when things get very hard case in point our own marriage after my stroke, giving up on us was so easy, I was so close to doing it, thank god for our young son & all support from my family & friends, that I persisted & learnt valuable lesson of life, to be successful in life Grit  & being organized plays valuable role in life.  Slowly & steadily I am developing that grit muscle in my life.

 

I guess what I am trying to say here as long as one don't give up & keep on trying help comes along & life becomes beautiful again, that's my spiritual lesson of the week " Never give up & keep on pushing the envelope & somehow God will help out along the way & you will be on your path of happy new normal"

 

Asha

 

 

 

 

 

achandra

I am really blessed person to be married to real patient guy who has always lifted me up  from day we got married, yes he has its own other faults, he is man of very few words, & he is not romantic guy. but he does right things, he is our encourager  in chief. When we first married & I came to this country, we were starting out in this foreign land with nothing but just each other & two suitcase of clothes & some pots & pans. he was making sure to save enough so that he can send me to graduate school, luckily I got job right away in high tech company based on my college education & company I worked for paid partially for my graduate studies. so we were fine, but hubby has always encouraged me to do more in my life, while I was working full time & going to college in the evening, he was my equal support system I can count on. fast forward 10-15 years in my life & I had to go through my stroke  journey  & without this patient caregiver  who has made me thrive back in my life so much easier.  I learnt valuable lesson of  what love really means. Every time I wanted to give up in this post stroke journey he gave me strength, reason & hope for better tomorrow, & glad I persisted, life  has become  so much fulfilling & I love to be around people. I never had thought I would find happiness again. my husband is  is such a patient guy, he never rushed to helped me, & would wait patiently till I figure out how to do things for myself & ready to help me any time  if I ask for any help. Those qualities of his made me more independent & confident in my new abilities. Anyway later in my life after kido went to college he encouraged me again to do more for myself, he encouraged me to learn new things in near by community college & step out of my comfort zone & learn new things, and once again I m thriving & enjoying life again. Anyhow I feel  so lucky to be married to such a great guy who has supported me every day & when he is around me, I know we will be fine whatever happens in our life.

 

Asha

 

achandra

So many things going on in my life, that I have it to get off my brain & on here, so that I can make a room for new fun-filled memories. one of the highlight is our son just turned 21 & also scored well in his exams. the way he procrastinates till last moment, hubby & I were wondering & congratulating ourselves, that maybe someone watching over him for him to do so well without working hard. He does work hard but at very last moment & that does make both of us sweat & make very uncomfortable. Anyhow now to next unpleasant topic I do have knee pain in my good leg, I am managing it with OTC meds & other pain relief ointments. Pain is no fun though it does have power to put things in perspective. Another thing I am noticing about people around me people have stopped excusing me for using my stroke card like we do for our son. he can't use excuses for not doing something he was asked for.

 

Asha

 

 

 

achandra

Nothing new to report  here, time just fly by. I blink & weekend is gone & so does the week.  recently after my fall on stairs I was having pain in my good leg knee, went to doctor to get it checked & according to him, he did not see any fracture or any other major trouble so his suggestion was take OTC pain relievers like aleve or anti-inflammation pills. pain is no fun, though it has power to push you to dark place fast if you don't keep eye on your thoughts. So I am keeping eye on my thoughts. Sunday is usually reserved for watching my super soul sunday show on oprah's OWN channel which does great job of mood equalizer and puts me on right direction. yesterday she was talking to author Iyanla vanzat about her new book trust. listening to author about her life experiences which were rock bottom & still finding courage to climb up from that muck was quite inspiring. We all are total sum of our experiences in life & our decisions & choices we make during our life's journey. I realize having great set of parents & family did give me head start in my life, parents who made sure to give us best education & always looking out for us, things we take for granted.

 

Asha

 

 

 

achandra

as most of you who follow my blogs will know this about me that I love reading books & get very energized by spiritual thoughts or books or movies that make me think &  go AHA there that's what I feel & now feel wow its all now falling into place. Today heard Hoda kotb on Today's show mentioning that just talent in itself does not make you successful, Its also other trait that you don't give up & still show up day after day even when things get tougher, that makes person successful & that line clicked with me that was my AHA moment of the day.  its sticking out with something you feel is worthwhile is underline good quality of the successful people.

 

now next to another interesting topic recently watched movie POST after hearing great reviews about it & gotten recommendation from blogger I admire, was in my list to do this last weekend, & boy we were not disappointed . Near the end of the movie they quoted Justice Hugo Black’s argument for ruling in favor of the two newspaper’s right to publish the then-classified Pentagon Papers and against Nixon’s attempt to control the press and I was able to google his words. They’re important words, words that matter today every bit as much as they did in 1971 when the court ruled 6 to 3. He wrote, “In the First Amendment the Founding Fathers gave the free press the protection it must have to fulfill its essential role in our democracy. The press was to serve the governed, not the governors.   

my life today is so much richer & interesting because of these two different subjects. I am loving the new me. I feel making me aware of all good, bad traits about me is giving me opportunity to grow into person I am proud of. like I know I still need to develop trait of being assertive without feeling bitchy about it, the trait The Washington Post's Katharine Graham (Streep) developed over the course of her stepping into role of first female publisher of the post after her husband's death.

 

Asha

 

 

 

achandra

I am so tired & need vacation to recover from our vacation. after we came home from our vacation we had guests from India & canada, so I did not get breather to recover from our vacation & my fall right after our vacation was also no help. luckily it was nothing major & just bruised ego & scared me for few days.  hubby was also sick so no help anywhere. I think now that guests r gone I will be able to recover this weekend & get into my old routine back. I get all rattled when my routine is upset, though I end up going with flow & enjoy the day, but still feel something amiss in my day.  Currently I am reading great book. I don't know how but I have always found for me I have found right people, books, friends in my life when I needed them most. & some with lot of efforts on my part, some fell in my lap on its own like this book, which has made me firm believer there r no accidents in life. any how life has its own ups & downs some days r good, some not so but eh who cares I am happy person as long as I get up & have my morning coffee with amazing breakfast, life is good in my mind lol. book I m reading right now is following one.

 

Asha'

achandra

recently hubby & I traveled to India to visit our family members back home, this year we had planned pilgrimage trip to temples in Nepal & India with hubby's family. My brother in law had done all arrangements & off we all went. there were in total 10 of us with different ability & disability, so it was entertainment in itself to get us off the bus or to location. three out of 10 people had hearing issues & two of us had walking issues. luckily every one liked every one, so there were no issues there. we had my two sister in laws taking care of hubby's older sister who had recently broken both of her wrists & used cane for walking, & hubby was my caretaker who will not let go of my hand or me. though in uneven terrain when I decided not to use his help, I did stumble & went down & hit my head on iron pole. luckily it was just superficial cut & was treated by doctor near by who got big chuckle when I asked him will I survive this fall? of-course that made hubby also relaxed that his Asha is back who is always laughing or singing badly in his ears during our trip. I just realized good quality about me, that I am one happy person & can find joy in all circumstances of life, which makes people around me also very happy.no  wonder I get along well with every body I come in contact with. I also attended my niece's wedding & it was awesome. In this  trip we took excursion to fly over mount Everest & it was breath taking trip. makes one wonder why any one would climb such a tall mountain or do this arduous journey. Overall I feel so grateful & joyful to be able to spend time with my lovely family. I feel grateful that my disability isn't so bad that hubby & I get deprived of this joyful vacations. So I am one happy person right now even though I have back ache, neck-ache from 16 hours flight. though happy to be home again & get my home bed & home bathroom.

 

Asha

 

achandra

my gratitude list

I know we should do this every day, but I have decided to do at least on thanksgiving day things I am grateful for

 

1. I am grateful to be still alive & with my loving family who are always by my side on my good, bad & worst days, that makes my life journey so much joyous & meaningful.

2. I am grateful that I can still walk, talk & enjoy life to fullest.

3. I am grateful that my sense of humor is still intact so that I am able to laugh through my difficulties & still able to have loads of fun.

4. I am grateful for family & friends who chose to stay or come in our life & some who decided to walk away, taught me some great lessons in life.

5. I am grateful for all experiences in my life, they have made my life so much richer & meaningful due to it.

6. grateful for my stroke too, it taught me some beautiful lessons in life which otherwise I would have missed it

7. grateful for all of our abundance in life, which I had never even imagined in my life. God has been very kind to us & I am thankful for all of it.

8. I am grateful for my loving husband & our loving & mature son without them this life would have been meaningless, joyless & boring.

9 grateful for my mom, brother, sisters,my in laws all of them make my life so much colorful & joyous.

10. I am grateful for this second chance.

 

Asha

 

 

 

 

achandra

recently someone sent message on what's app about race & how some people get ahead in life aka race  thanks to other conditions in their life which does not mean they were smarter than others or anything. Sometime you do feel cocky & feel oh its all you & not realize how you were blessed to have set of parents who made right choices in life for you & raised you well which allowed you to get so many opportunities along the way, so can't puff your chest & think oh its all me  & not realizing how you were placed ahead in life's race by your loving parents who did right thing. I remember growing up  & even in my adulthood I blamed my mom for being too strict & always comparing me with other siblings or neighborhood friends to inspire me to work hard & do more yes those techniques did create other side effects for which I blamed  my mom. but now that I m mother & mature enough to understand all those tricks & able to forgive my mom in my head & heart. I am actually so thankful for having set of parents we had, mom did most of the heavy lifting in raising us & dad stayed in background providing for us with best of his ability. I have been talking with all my cousins recently, & that thought has been running my head,  I can see with our set of parents we did get head start in  our life & all us siblings did pretty  well in our life. yes all of us have gone through our set of troubles in life but by helping each other out & being there for each other we have done good in life.

 

achandra

After going through my stroke trauma, I have gotten great post traumetic growth. I have realized nothing in life is guaranteed or certain & we don't have control over everything even though we like to believe otherwise. Though but we do have control over two things & that's where whole crust of how life lived. first control we have in life is how well we prepared for circumstances of life & second how you respond to any event in your life good or bad. Rest is  all illusion.

achandra

my 75 year old mom finally became US citizen after living in this country for more than 15 years. We all have become US citizens long time back, mom did not since she can understand English  but can't speak. So was kept on procrastinating, finally we were able to convince  her that she can give exam with interpreter and give it a try. so finally she agreed & gave exam, my mom is very smart & hardworking woman all her life, gave exam & passed with flying colors. all three of us siblings went with mom for her interview & oath ceremony. I vaguely remember mine. I felt this ceremony was more poignant & beautiful, agent talked about how US as melting pot & each immigrant who decided to come in this foreign country after leaving all that they knew in their home country behind & made US as their home. As an immigrant they brought their culture, food & some of that rubbed on people living here before them & some of the American's culture rubbed on these immigrants, so its one big melting pot, there was president Trump's welcoming speech & then pledge of allegiance & our national anthem. This was most beautiful ceremony & I felt so happy & proud to be in this new motherland which has given us all love & allowed us to make home away from home. I had to thank INS officer for wonderful service they did of-course it choked me up, though it made her very happy too.

achandra

wow what a week

I guess I should never say life is usual, nothing exciting or bad. I guess when you got active child in college things do happen, but of-course being older he thinks he has to handle everything himself  &  making us obsolete. yes as a parent you want your kids to be self reliant & making their own decisions. but I feel scared of letting  him go. recently at college while playing basketball he dislocated his dominant hand's thumb it turns out to be ligament tear, right now he is in cast & doctor will decide in a week whether he needs surgery to fix it or not. problem is he is  handling all by himself going to ER & then to orthopedic surgeon, & letting us know what did doctor suggests & so on. of-course as a parent I feel very scare of him handling all this alone, but got no choice then just to watch from sidelines how his life is going to turn out.  Though going to ER does make him empathetic person & let him see what he needs to do to become better doctor. I was worried how he is going to handle all his tests & so on in college, but he is handling it pretty nicely, at-least in his latest exam they allowed him to take it on computer & allowed him extra 30 minutes which helped him take his tests nicely, so that part I m relieved. oh recently he gave medical entrance exam & scored very high in it. though he was upset saying he could have done better, so would like to give one more time. again lot of things I don't understand since he is handling by himself so I just pray for him & us lol.  On my super soul sunday I do marvel at my life with eyes of gratitude about how my life turned out to be even with so much loss in our life. First & foremost I m so grateful to be married to such a responsible guy, who makes sure to take his responsibility very seriously & never utters word of frustration even when sometimes things don't go as planned. slowly & steadily he keeps doing right things & things chiseled out to be better than before. he never gave up on me or our relationship which I feel has made me better person & our relationship much stronger & lovelier than before.  anyway other than that life is still great lot to be thankful for, fall is here already love the crisp cold air in the morning when I am about to go out for my walk

achandra

I haven't blogged for a while so just have need to blog, nothing exciting or miserable to report, life goes on, though I do feel like time is flying by, & week & weekend just flies by. must be good thing. oh I finally got my first evaluation PT after getting my brace. It was interesting turn out to be young Indian therapist though from name & looks I could not decipher that information. I hope to improve my gait & balance with this therapy which I am getting after 13 years on this post stroke  journey, so it will be lesson learning to get rid of bad habits I have picked up over the years. Other than that life goes on, do get AHA moments every Sunday while watching super soul Sunday, which makes me wonder was this books & teachers weren't available in my pre-stroke life, then how come I never got attracted to them earlier, why did I have to go through such a bad experience of life to learn these beautiful things about life which does make my life today richer & better. I had read somewhere, in life when drastic change happens be sure to look out for something beautiful to emerge out of it. while having major discussion about it with hubby, he does not believe in that sentiments, he says dead man can't defend  that theory. in forest fire lot of young, vibrant & green also burns out, so believing something good will come out of this tragedy is hard pill to swallow. But I believe it, since I have seen in my own life, my life today is more fulfilling in all areas of my life than before, and I feel lucky & grateful to be still here with my lovely family.

achandra

I don't know somehow I feel I get same AHA moments by noticing behavior of people, I guess when you are pregnant you notice all pregnant woman around you, so maybe since I woke up from my own sleepwalking & started noticing "how my choices  in life has created my destiny" AHA moment & will tell every one around me to notice it too. I realize I have been blessed with amazing parents. They were not perfect but did best of their ability in raising us kids, which has also instilled in some fundamental values in us, which has helped all of us do better in our life. I have always worked very hard all my life & luckily that habit is still there, though I am still learning to figure everything out from scratch, instead of asking for help right away. so basically get lot frustrated before asking for help, hard thing for me to do. anyway all these realization came when I talked with same age cousin whose thinking is quite different than mine. why work when you are sister of four brothers, so they will help you out in your hour of need or your husband, I guess I have different outlook there, cause I believe in if I want something in life I need to work for it  and can't depend on husband or my family for it.

 

Asha

 

achandra

today we went to check out our son's off-campus housing.  after checking out the place when we were leaving on top of the stairs I lost my balance luckily our son was right behind me & held on me tight till I could regain my balance. it was so close had I fallen would have break my neck falling from top of stairs. man it was  close. It was miracle, I felt gods hands holding me tight on stairs, I did not get scared or anything & did right things to balance myself when he was holding me tight. so feel so fortunate.

 

Asha

 

 

 

achandra

trust

just heard oprah discussing new book trust on her super-soul Sunday series. & it does make me think about trust & it is so hard in our difficult times to trust God or someone that something better is going to come  out of this ordeal.  Sometimes when you venture into complete unknown territory  like bird learning to fly for the first time  & jump off its nest, trusting in his wings that it will be able to  keep him off ground & able to soar & not jump off to its death. does make me think about how I struggled  when I decided to go on early retirement & venture into complete new territory, I was so afraid though I remember very distinctly thinking God please show me some sign that this is right decision I am doing for me.  & he did by drawing my attention to logo of my college was similar to company I decided to leave behind, that made me realize that I need to just relax & trust power bigger than me & enjoy my journey. I am so thankful for all this valuable lessons in my life  where sometimes when I look back it feels like there are no coincidences in life. how one would explain all choices , decisions & opportunities I got in my life. those choices, actions made me person I have become today.

 

Asha

 

achandra

I sometime forget that I am stroke survivor & try to do things  beyound  my limit., but when something needs to be done I push myself & do more things I ever did prestroke or post stroke for that matter, so had to pay price for it, luckily no damage just day spent in ER & came home to get more checking done on monday. Anyway last week I met my grade school friend after some 20+ years & day before & after had family reunions to attend, so had lot of fun in all events, stayed long hours up to make food for party & guests coming at our home. So anyway after all that ended my body also gave out & was feeling uncomfortable on my non affected side of body, so went to ER got it checked out nothing showed up at ER now have to do more testing on Monday hopefully it will be nothing, learn to treat my half body kindly just because I can do it, does not mean I should. anyway  there were extreme emotions on all days. this is first time all of my siblings were together. So it was very nice  & get together of all my extended family members are always memorable & on top of that meeting my school friend  made it sweeter, so visit to ER was good equalizer of the all positive feelings lol

 

 

Asha

 

 

 

achandra

you all know how I resisted our move to our new home, slowly it is beginning to feel like home & has my print everywhere. yes decorated with material things I loved. hubby is usually dead against of buying things we don't need so him relaxing about my purchases  feels good. This home was unoccupied for last few years so when we moved in we interrupted ground hog who was living in our flower bed. There was war going on between my husband & ground hog & I bet both were admitting to their spouses that this time I got tough opponent  lol. groundhog would dig in hubby would fill in  hole & in the end my flower bed became our front patio lol hubby had tried cage & all other tricks but could not never catch the critter finally  when ground hog started digging at other place hubby called animal control professional guy who charged us big bucks & was able to catch critter in a day using same tricks hubby had tried. that groundhog looked so cute trapped in that cage that next day in hot weather kido & hubby were making sure to give him food & water lol. Anyway slowly all smalll nuisances we were dealing with after our move is beginning to sort out & this does feel like home where we belong together. So I am happy

 

Asha

achandra

I am usually very happy go person, but lately I m realizing I am being more kind to myself & realizing some of the positive qualities in me which I never noticed before since I was always so focused on other negative things like not pretty enough or fashionable enough or smart enough, you get the zist. but lately I m realizing one of few very good qualities about me, which in turn makes me succeed in things  I set out to do.  first thing important thing I noticed if something matters to me dearly I will be very persistent in efforts to achieve those goals. so I don't give up. yes things do frustrates me sometimes but I will stick it out & won't quit till I find solution for it. yes I will irritate few people in pursuit of finishing what I m set out to do. & ofcourse my sense of humor, I can take good joke on me. now that I noticed that positive aspects about  me, I am beginning to like me & realizing that all family members & friends who chose to stay by me even in my worst period did it, cause I am worth it & we all are reaping joy of having each other in our life.

 

Asha

 

achandra

One of the very basic teaching of Hindu religion & explained in religious text of bhagwad gita is so hard. It says do your karma whatever that maybe based on what you are doing, but then don't get attached to results. hardest  thing to achieve. our son recently gave important interview of his life. I really really want it to go in his favor. I understand at spiritual level that I should not get attached to his results, but I pray for positive outcome for him & all of us. hope you all too pray for our son too. :) I know I know I still  have lot to learn in this life.

 

Thanks,

Asha

 

achandra

such a blah day

some days I feel dumbest person on the earth, can't think anything straight at all. on those days I want to just sit & cry for my dumbness. any how if I have to focus on things I still can not do list is long sometimes don't see things right infront of me ok I should scan the area & then I do notice it, but if I need to list things wrong with me list is long

1. don't have any peripheral vision yes luckily its lower quadrant but feel like dummy when I miss things which is right there on the left side of my screen.

2. no use of left hand means can't do anything which person does it with two hands. yes I have adapted well in world living with two hands.  I am slowest typer, ofcourse with one hand I can accomplish almost everything with some or lot of frustration based on the day.

3. walk with weird ugly limp, yes though grateful to be able to walk

4. yes I enjoy my post stroke life but I do miss my dancing gracefully.

5. help in kitchen to do dishes

 

ok that's it whining about my troubles are not making me feel any better so I will quit

 

Asha

 

 

achandra

As I am growing older life comes up with its own challenges every day, yes you do get blissful, happy moments in between, but it does feel like you are battling fires at so many places. I do have great kido & husband, but still out of nowhere kido comes up with this excellent business idea & he thinks that will make him successful & richer than mark zukerburg(facebook prodigy).  he thinks why study so much & work so hard for his medical degree while he has this golden opportunity in his hand to make it big, not realizing there r so many people who have failed in their new business venture, he does not understand even when trying to get things done from others, you should be able to understand fully & able to do yourself. anyway I know God is incharge & he will take care of all us. just wanted to vent. I just pray he makes right choices & do right things. we both believe there are no short cuts in life to make big money. you have to work hard in all field you chose to work in.

 

Asha

 

 

achandra

as all of you know I enjoy company & love to crack jokes, I thrive when I am surrounded by friends. this past weekend hubby's college friend's son was getting married in NJ, so lot of hubby's other college friends were coming from all around world to wedding, we hosted lot of his friends at our home for wedding. & we had so much fun. I had made lot of food preparation in advance & kept it ready so that we could spend time together talking instead of cooking & cleaning. luckily all enjoyed my cooking boosted my confidence in myself.   for the wedding his college group prepared one dance item  & we practiced for two days & performed on day of music party. I have never seen hubby dancing so well got lot of cheering  & encouragement when we all danced on the floor. wedding was planned & executed so well & we all had so much fun, it brings so much joy even now thinking about  all witty remarks & jokes we were playing on each other. In the beginning when this was all in planning phase I was not certain about my ability to handle & take care of so many guests at our home. but hubby felt we should be able to pull it off with help of his other college woman friends. & I did. by end of it they were calling me teacher cause I was always telling them what to do next  & how to next. It was great spending quality time with all of them after hearing about all of them from hubby all the time.  l would have never thought or even imagined that life will b this blissful after stroke. first & foremost thankful to my husband & kido for putting up with my antics, without both of them life would have been so dull. every time when our kido comes & hugs me without any reason I feel so grateful to be still here & enjoying life with all this abundance

 

Asha

 

 

achandra

As you all are aware I enjoy spiritual reading & agree with bhagwad geeta, buddha, jesus philosophy. give myself pep-talk every time I feel like giving up on anything in life. my biggest one is, "choices I make today will create my destiny." & my choices every day is dependent on what brings  me satisfaction. & doing things right for my family does make me feel happy. If I get immediate thanks or appreciation it makes me feel good right away. but I have learn that some jobs like raising your child right seeing them successful & happy won't happen overnight. I will see results later in my life. so doing right things today for my family matters today. like I keep on telling our son if you want anything in life give your all as if, if there is no alternative. once done your job right then don't be attached to results. whatever is the outcome accept it realizing god has made  better plans for your life.  I believe in this wholeheartedly. seen in my own life with my stroke & how my life has unfolded after it. Everything that has happened in my life including stroke is for my own growth. life has become so meaningful & great again.

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