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stroke survivorthoughts

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achandra

I am so tired & need vacation to recover from our vacation. after we came home from our vacation we had guests from India & canada, so I did not get breather to recover from our vacation & my fall right after our vacation was also no help. luckily it was nothing major & just bruised ego & scared me for few days.  hubby was also sick so no help anywhere. I think now that guests r gone I will be able to recover this weekend & get into my old routine back. I get all rattled when my routine is upset, though I end up going with flow & enjoy the day, but still feel something amiss in my day.  Currently I am reading great book. I don't know how but I have always found for me I have found right people, books, friends in my life when I needed them most. & some with lot of efforts on my part, some fell in my lap on its own like this book, which has made me firm believer there r no accidents in life. any how life has its own ups & downs some days r good, some not so but eh who cares I am happy person as long as I get up & have my morning coffee with amazing breakfast, life is good in my mind lol. book I m reading right now is following one.

 

Asha'

achandra

recently hubby & I traveled to India to visit our family members back home, this year we had planned pilgrimage trip to temples in Nepal & India with hubby's family. My brother in law had done all arrangements & off we all went. there were in total 10 of us with different ability & disability, so it was entertainment in itself to get us off the bus or to location. three out of 10 people had hearing issues & two of us had walking issues. luckily every one liked every one, so there were no issues there. we had my two sister in laws taking care of hubby's older sister who had recently broken both of her wrists & used cane for walking, & hubby was my caretaker who will not let go of my hand or me. though in uneven terrain when I decided not to use his help, I did stumble & went down & hit my head on iron pole. luckily it was just superficial cut & was treated by doctor near by who got big chuckle when I asked him will I survive this fall? of-course that made hubby also relaxed that his Asha is back who is always laughing or singing badly in his ears during our trip. I just realized good quality about me, that I am one happy person & can find joy in all circumstances of life, which makes people around me also very happy.no  wonder I get along well with every body I come in contact with. I also attended my niece's wedding & it was awesome. In this  trip we took excursion to fly over mount Everest & it was breath taking trip. makes one wonder why any one would climb such a tall mountain or do this arduous journey. Overall I feel so grateful & joyful to be able to spend time with my lovely family. I feel grateful that my disability isn't so bad that hubby & I get deprived of this joyful vacations. So I am one happy person right now even though I have back ache, neck-ache from 16 hours flight. though happy to be home again & get my home bed & home bathroom.

 

Asha

 

achandra

my gratitude list

I know we should do this every day, but I have decided to do at least on thanksgiving day things I am grateful for

 

1. I am grateful to be still alive & with my loving family who are always by my side on my good, bad & worst days, that makes my life journey so much joyous & meaningful.

2. I am grateful that I can still walk, talk & enjoy life to fullest.

3. I am grateful that my sense of humor is still intact so that I am able to laugh through my difficulties & still able to have loads of fun.

4. I am grateful for family & friends who chose to stay or come in our life & some who decided to walk away, taught me some great lessons in life.

5. I am grateful for all experiences in my life, they have made my life so much richer & meaningful due to it.

6. grateful for my stroke too, it taught me some beautiful lessons in life which otherwise I would have missed it

7. grateful for all of our abundance in life, which I had never even imagined in my life. God has been very kind to us & I am thankful for all of it.

8. I am grateful for my loving husband & our loving & mature son without them this life would have been meaningless, joyless & boring.

9 grateful for my mom, brother, sisters,my in laws all of them make my life so much colorful & joyous.

10. I am grateful for this second chance.

 

Asha

 

 

 

 

achandra

recently someone sent message on what's app about race & how some people get ahead in life aka race  thanks to other conditions in their life which does not mean they were smarter than others or anything. Sometime you do feel cocky & feel oh its all you & not realize how you were blessed to have set of parents who made right choices in life for you & raised you well which allowed you to get so many opportunities along the way, so can't puff your chest & think oh its all me  & not realizing how you were placed ahead in life's race by your loving parents who did right thing. I remember growing up  & even in my adulthood I blamed my mom for being too strict & always comparing me with other siblings or neighborhood friends to inspire me to work hard & do more yes those techniques did create other side effects for which I blamed  my mom. but now that I m mother & mature enough to understand all those tricks & able to forgive my mom in my head & heart. I am actually so thankful for having set of parents we had, mom did most of the heavy lifting in raising us & dad stayed in background providing for us with best of his ability. I have been talking with all my cousins recently, & that thought has been running my head,  I can see with our set of parents we did get head start in  our life & all us siblings did pretty  well in our life. yes all of us have gone through our set of troubles in life but by helping each other out & being there for each other we have done good in life.

 

achandra

After going through my stroke trauma, I have gotten great post traumetic growth. I have realized nothing in life is guaranteed or certain & we don't have control over everything even though we like to believe otherwise. Though but we do have control over two things & that's where whole crust of how life lived. first control we have in life is how well we prepared for circumstances of life & second how you respond to any event in your life good or bad. Rest is  all illusion.

achandra

my 75 year old mom finally became US citizen after living in this country for more than 15 years. We all have become US citizens long time back, mom did not since she can understand English  but can't speak. So was kept on procrastinating, finally we were able to convince  her that she can give exam with interpreter and give it a try. so finally she agreed & gave exam, my mom is very smart & hardworking woman all her life, gave exam & passed with flying colors. all three of us siblings went with mom for her interview & oath ceremony. I vaguely remember mine. I felt this ceremony was more poignant & beautiful, agent talked about how US as melting pot & each immigrant who decided to come in this foreign country after leaving all that they knew in their home country behind & made US as their home. As an immigrant they brought their culture, food & some of that rubbed on people living here before them & some of the American's culture rubbed on these immigrants, so its one big melting pot, there was president Trump's welcoming speech & then pledge of allegiance & our national anthem. This was most beautiful ceremony & I felt so happy & proud to be in this new motherland which has given us all love & allowed us to make home away from home. I had to thank INS officer for wonderful service they did of-course it choked me up, though it made her very happy too.

achandra

wow what a week

I guess I should never say life is usual, nothing exciting or bad. I guess when you got active child in college things do happen, but of-course being older he thinks he has to handle everything himself  &  making us obsolete. yes as a parent you want your kids to be self reliant & making their own decisions. but I feel scared of letting  him go. recently at college while playing basketball he dislocated his dominant hand's thumb it turns out to be ligament tear, right now he is in cast & doctor will decide in a week whether he needs surgery to fix it or not. problem is he is  handling all by himself going to ER & then to orthopedic surgeon, & letting us know what did doctor suggests & so on. of-course as a parent I feel very scare of him handling all this alone, but got no choice then just to watch from sidelines how his life is going to turn out.  Though going to ER does make him empathetic person & let him see what he needs to do to become better doctor. I was worried how he is going to handle all his tests & so on in college, but he is handling it pretty nicely, at-least in his latest exam they allowed him to take it on computer & allowed him extra 30 minutes which helped him take his tests nicely, so that part I m relieved. oh recently he gave medical entrance exam & scored very high in it. though he was upset saying he could have done better, so would like to give one more time. again lot of things I don't understand since he is handling by himself so I just pray for him & us lol.  On my super soul sunday I do marvel at my life with eyes of gratitude about how my life turned out to be even with so much loss in our life. First & foremost I m so grateful to be married to such a responsible guy, who makes sure to take his responsibility very seriously & never utters word of frustration even when sometimes things don't go as planned. slowly & steadily he keeps doing right things & things chiseled out to be better than before. he never gave up on me or our relationship which I feel has made me better person & our relationship much stronger & lovelier than before.  anyway other than that life is still great lot to be thankful for, fall is here already love the crisp cold air in the morning when I am about to go out for my walk

achandra

I haven't blogged for a while so just have need to blog, nothing exciting or miserable to report, life goes on, though I do feel like time is flying by, & week & weekend just flies by. must be good thing. oh I finally got my first evaluation PT after getting my brace. It was interesting turn out to be young Indian therapist though from name & looks I could not decipher that information. I hope to improve my gait & balance with this therapy which I am getting after 13 years on this post stroke  journey, so it will be lesson learning to get rid of bad habits I have picked up over the years. Other than that life goes on, do get AHA moments every Sunday while watching super soul Sunday, which makes me wonder was this books & teachers weren't available in my pre-stroke life, then how come I never got attracted to them earlier, why did I have to go through such a bad experience of life to learn these beautiful things about life which does make my life today richer & better. I had read somewhere, in life when drastic change happens be sure to look out for something beautiful to emerge out of it. while having major discussion about it with hubby, he does not believe in that sentiments, he says dead man can't defend  that theory. in forest fire lot of young, vibrant & green also burns out, so believing something good will come out of this tragedy is hard pill to swallow. But I believe it, since I have seen in my own life, my life today is more fulfilling in all areas of my life than before, and I feel lucky & grateful to be still here with my lovely family.

achandra

I don't know somehow I feel I get same AHA moments by noticing behavior of people, I guess when you are pregnant you notice all pregnant woman around you, so maybe since I woke up from my own sleepwalking & started noticing "how my choices  in life has created my destiny" AHA moment & will tell every one around me to notice it too. I realize I have been blessed with amazing parents. They were not perfect but did best of their ability in raising us kids, which has also instilled in some fundamental values in us, which has helped all of us do better in our life. I have always worked very hard all my life & luckily that habit is still there, though I am still learning to figure everything out from scratch, instead of asking for help right away. so basically get lot frustrated before asking for help, hard thing for me to do. anyway all these realization came when I talked with same age cousin whose thinking is quite different than mine. why work when you are sister of four brothers, so they will help you out in your hour of need or your husband, I guess I have different outlook there, cause I believe in if I want something in life I need to work for it  and can't depend on husband or my family for it.

 

Asha

 

achandra

today we went to check out our son's off-campus housing.  after checking out the place when we were leaving on top of the stairs I lost my balance luckily our son was right behind me & held on me tight till I could regain my balance. it was so close had I fallen would have break my neck falling from top of stairs. man it was  close. It was miracle, I felt gods hands holding me tight on stairs, I did not get scared or anything & did right things to balance myself when he was holding me tight. so feel so fortunate.

 

Asha

 

 

 

achandra

trust

just heard oprah discussing new book trust on her super-soul Sunday series. & it does make me think about trust & it is so hard in our difficult times to trust God or someone that something better is going to come  out of this ordeal.  Sometimes when you venture into complete unknown territory  like bird learning to fly for the first time  & jump off its nest, trusting in his wings that it will be able to  keep him off ground & able to soar & not jump off to its death. does make me think about how I struggled  when I decided to go on early retirement & venture into complete new territory, I was so afraid though I remember very distinctly thinking God please show me some sign that this is right decision I am doing for me.  & he did by drawing my attention to logo of my college was similar to company I decided to leave behind, that made me realize that I need to just relax & trust power bigger than me & enjoy my journey. I am so thankful for all this valuable lessons in my life  where sometimes when I look back it feels like there are no coincidences in life. how one would explain all choices , decisions & opportunities I got in my life. those choices, actions made me person I have become today.

 

Asha

 

achandra

I sometime forget that I am stroke survivor & try to do things  beyound  my limit., but when something needs to be done I push myself & do more things I ever did prestroke or post stroke for that matter, so had to pay price for it, luckily no damage just day spent in ER & came home to get more checking done on monday. Anyway last week I met my grade school friend after some 20+ years & day before & after had family reunions to attend, so had lot of fun in all events, stayed long hours up to make food for party & guests coming at our home. So anyway after all that ended my body also gave out & was feeling uncomfortable on my non affected side of body, so went to ER got it checked out nothing showed up at ER now have to do more testing on Monday hopefully it will be nothing, learn to treat my half body kindly just because I can do it, does not mean I should. anyway  there were extreme emotions on all days. this is first time all of my siblings were together. So it was very nice  & get together of all my extended family members are always memorable & on top of that meeting my school friend  made it sweeter, so visit to ER was good equalizer of the all positive feelings lol

 

 

Asha

 

 

 

achandra

you all know how I resisted our move to our new home, slowly it is beginning to feel like home & has my print everywhere. yes decorated with material things I loved. hubby is usually dead against of buying things we don't need so him relaxing about my purchases  feels good. This home was unoccupied for last few years so when we moved in we interrupted ground hog who was living in our flower bed. There was war going on between my husband & ground hog & I bet both were admitting to their spouses that this time I got tough opponent  lol. groundhog would dig in hubby would fill in  hole & in the end my flower bed became our front patio lol hubby had tried cage & all other tricks but could not never catch the critter finally  when ground hog started digging at other place hubby called animal control professional guy who charged us big bucks & was able to catch critter in a day using same tricks hubby had tried. that groundhog looked so cute trapped in that cage that next day in hot weather kido & hubby were making sure to give him food & water lol. Anyway slowly all smalll nuisances we were dealing with after our move is beginning to sort out & this does feel like home where we belong together. So I am happy

 

Asha

achandra

I am usually very happy go person, but lately I m realizing I am being more kind to myself & realizing some of the positive qualities in me which I never noticed before since I was always so focused on other negative things like not pretty enough or fashionable enough or smart enough, you get the zist. but lately I m realizing one of few very good qualities about me, which in turn makes me succeed in things  I set out to do.  first thing important thing I noticed if something matters to me dearly I will be very persistent in efforts to achieve those goals. so I don't give up. yes things do frustrates me sometimes but I will stick it out & won't quit till I find solution for it. yes I will irritate few people in pursuit of finishing what I m set out to do. & ofcourse my sense of humor, I can take good joke on me. now that I noticed that positive aspects about  me, I am beginning to like me & realizing that all family members & friends who chose to stay by me even in my worst period did it, cause I am worth it & we all are reaping joy of having each other in our life.

 

Asha

 

achandra

One of the very basic teaching of Hindu religion & explained in religious text of bhagwad gita is so hard. It says do your karma whatever that maybe based on what you are doing, but then don't get attached to results. hardest  thing to achieve. our son recently gave important interview of his life. I really really want it to go in his favor. I understand at spiritual level that I should not get attached to his results, but I pray for positive outcome for him & all of us. hope you all too pray for our son too. :) I know I know I still  have lot to learn in this life.

 

Thanks,

Asha

 

achandra

such a blah day

some days I feel dumbest person on the earth, can't think anything straight at all. on those days I want to just sit & cry for my dumbness. any how if I have to focus on things I still can not do list is long sometimes don't see things right infront of me ok I should scan the area & then I do notice it, but if I need to list things wrong with me list is long

1. don't have any peripheral vision yes luckily its lower quadrant but feel like dummy when I miss things which is right there on the left side of my screen.

2. no use of left hand means can't do anything which person does it with two hands. yes I have adapted well in world living with two hands.  I am slowest typer, ofcourse with one hand I can accomplish almost everything with some or lot of frustration based on the day.

3. walk with weird ugly limp, yes though grateful to be able to walk

4. yes I enjoy my post stroke life but I do miss my dancing gracefully.

5. help in kitchen to do dishes

 

ok that's it whining about my troubles are not making me feel any better so I will quit

 

Asha

 

 

achandra

As I am growing older life comes up with its own challenges every day, yes you do get blissful, happy moments in between, but it does feel like you are battling fires at so many places. I do have great kido & husband, but still out of nowhere kido comes up with this excellent business idea & he thinks that will make him successful & richer than mark zukerburg(facebook prodigy).  he thinks why study so much & work so hard for his medical degree while he has this golden opportunity in his hand to make it big, not realizing there r so many people who have failed in their new business venture, he does not understand even when trying to get things done from others, you should be able to understand fully & able to do yourself. anyway I know God is incharge & he will take care of all us. just wanted to vent. I just pray he makes right choices & do right things. we both believe there are no short cuts in life to make big money. you have to work hard in all field you chose to work in.

 

Asha

 

 

achandra

as all of you know I enjoy company & love to crack jokes, I thrive when I am surrounded by friends. this past weekend hubby's college friend's son was getting married in NJ, so lot of hubby's other college friends were coming from all around world to wedding, we hosted lot of his friends at our home for wedding. & we had so much fun. I had made lot of food preparation in advance & kept it ready so that we could spend time together talking instead of cooking & cleaning. luckily all enjoyed my cooking boosted my confidence in myself.   for the wedding his college group prepared one dance item  & we practiced for two days & performed on day of music party. I have never seen hubby dancing so well got lot of cheering  & encouragement when we all danced on the floor. wedding was planned & executed so well & we all had so much fun, it brings so much joy even now thinking about  all witty remarks & jokes we were playing on each other. In the beginning when this was all in planning phase I was not certain about my ability to handle & take care of so many guests at our home. but hubby felt we should be able to pull it off with help of his other college woman friends. & I did. by end of it they were calling me teacher cause I was always telling them what to do next  & how to next. It was great spending quality time with all of them after hearing about all of them from hubby all the time.  l would have never thought or even imagined that life will b this blissful after stroke. first & foremost thankful to my husband & kido for putting up with my antics, without both of them life would have been so dull. every time when our kido comes & hugs me without any reason I feel so grateful to be still here & enjoying life with all this abundance

 

Asha

 

 

achandra

As you all are aware I enjoy spiritual reading & agree with bhagwad geeta, buddha, jesus philosophy. give myself pep-talk every time I feel like giving up on anything in life. my biggest one is, "choices I make today will create my destiny." & my choices every day is dependent on what brings  me satisfaction. & doing things right for my family does make me feel happy. If I get immediate thanks or appreciation it makes me feel good right away. but I have learn that some jobs like raising your child right seeing them successful & happy won't happen overnight. I will see results later in my life. so doing right things today for my family matters today. like I keep on telling our son if you want anything in life give your all as if, if there is no alternative. once done your job right then don't be attached to results. whatever is the outcome accept it realizing god has made  better plans for your life.  I believe in this wholeheartedly. seen in my own life with my stroke & how my life has unfolded after it. Everything that has happened in my life including stroke is for my own growth. life has become so meaningful & great again.

achandra

Its Saturday I am surrounded by my family who I love dearly yes sometime they do drive me nuts my mom, brother, sisters, hubby & kido every one lol. but I love all of them with whole of my heart, & can't imagine my life without single one of them. Anyway today its rainy day. made sure hubby did not put his early morning alarm on weekend & he listened :D. So woke up on reasonable time 7:30am feeling happy  & good about life. Today its rainy day which means lot of birds on our feeder & free entertainment for us during our breakfast. of-course it was just two of us since kido is owl & we both have become that old couple early to bed early to rise. just other day talking with my best friend & reminiscing our vacations together. We both were like man never in wildest dreams we had envisioned life will be this great. God has been so kind to us. I feel so blessed to have such amazing partner in life which makes life so easy even with disability.

 

Asha

 

achandra

ok today is bit of blah day nothing I can do quickly. I am slow in learning, person I carpool with who is my brother not very pleasant always ready to pick fight so while carpooling he will rather listen to his sports radio station then talk. Anyway yesterday I almost lost balance while getting out of car luckily able to grab person near me & did not go down. but I know falling with me is very very easy. my ankle from my car accident finally healed to be able to put weight on without feeling pain. so life goes on. On the pleasant side kido is coming home tomorrow for his summer vacation, though he is adult now & busy with his own things, he will be studying for his medical entrance exam, so we will be not travelling anywhere this summer.

 

Asha

 

achandra

I am by nature fun loving person like to be always laughing cracking jokes on myself or hubby. hubby can find good in any dire situation where as I can not, but having him by my side, I know we can get through anything in the world. any how some days I feel so grateful to be still here & love my life, some days feels like blah. I guess that is how life is for every one. In summer hubby usually play volleyball with his friends in park while I walk in their beautiful walking trail of park. ran into some woman who told me oh great keep on pushing & if you exercise your hand then maybe that will start working too, I get very offended when people assume & make that kind of comments, though after talking with her I found out she was brain surgery survivor too though for her everything started working thanks to her therapy was her claim.  though knowing she was survivor that made me less angry though I educated her about how every brain injury is different than others, & you can not compare your recovery to mine to make any judgments on it.

achandra

Yesterday We had major head on collision car accident. airbags from all sides popped up luckily we just got whiplash injury &back & neck pain. It was surprising we came out of unscathed from that accident, & still here to count our blessings. This was my new Subaru car with all safety feature which saved us  from getting seriously hurt. looking at my all past accidents, stroke, it feels like I am cat with nine lives & feel invincible :D. I have gotten hit by 18 wheelers & did not even get whiplash back then, then got hit by car while walking on walkway & still here. in between there was stroke & still here & thriving. So I got feeling my job here on earth is still not done. positive thing out of all this, that our teenager son called me  & was so worried about me, telling me mom don't do this I need you made my day. I told him not to worry I still need to dance at his wedding & play with our grandkids. So I am still here & you all are stuck with me too

 

Asha

 

 

achandra

Sunday is my favorite day. It is my own spiritual  awakening day with super soul Sunday. I love waking up late on Sunday morning & start my day with nice cup of coffee first with political shows & then enjoy my super soul sunday on oprah's OWN channel to cleanse myself of all dirtiness of politics lol. As you all know I  take whatever I like from all religions & believe all paths lead to one Supreme God.  I am not religious person though I am spiritual person.  According to our Hindu scripture our Karma creates our destiny, that was very hard pill to swallow for me after my stroke thinking why me & feel ing very helpless that it was in my destiny to go through this hardship in life. I found comfort in Christian beliefs that Suffering in life wakes you up & makes you the person you were meant to be. While going through Suffering asking What this trouble is trying to teach me in life. How you are going  to react  to this situation made me feel much better and most of it in control of my life when I was feeling so out of control & helpless. How would you react to your situation was most powerful tool for me to snap out of my why me  thinking.

 

Asha

achandra

feel so blessed

Some days I feel so blessed & now that I have come so far out from my stroke event. I can see God's master stroke in my life. Today I feel even stroke was at perfect time in my life, it was at the time when I was forgetting my values  & moving away from my designated path. With God's master stroke I woke up from my sleepwalking through life & started enjoying ordinary moments of life which brings in lasting  & deep happiness.  Its still so hard to believe even after so much of mess I m still so lucky in getting this beautiful second shot at life.  I am so happy I preserve & didn't give up to see this ray of sunshine.  love my family & friends who chose to come in my life even after disaster, instead of disappearing like lot of others. So today life is great & best is yet to come

 

Asha

 

 

 

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