I feel my hubby is very evolved in his spiritual growth journey, there are some things he is very good like taking care of his responsibilities, he is amazing dad, & human being but he is also very stubborn man & won't change his point of views to make other person happy, which sometimes does create conflict in our relationship, I love him & grateful for having him by my side, but my love is very conditional some times, I feel very annoyed when he won't do certain things which makes me happy. for example I feel we both have worked our tail off in achieving our American dream from day I landed in this country some 25 years ago, & after getting stroke at young age, I do have sense of urgency. I like to experience all finer things in life & I do feel I deserve every single bit of it. Finer things in life does make me happy though my happiness doubles if he also enjoys those things with me, versus, he does not care about it as much, he will be happy in all things, he thinks he gets equal joy from simple things in life & donate rest of the money away. versus my feeling is enjoy those finer things in life too. I don't want to cut corners on myself or my family to be donated away any more. I feel all my younger years i have made sacrifices & made peace with living in scarcity when I was young & able bodied person. Now I want to enjoy with whatever abilities are still left with me. I know I need to work on my own happiness & don't worry about whether he joins in or not, & he needs to learn to enjoy things which gives his family pleasure. he is very detached from us in that sense, his joy is not attached to seeing his family happy. So I am all torn & confused & still work in progress on my spiritual awakening path
I realize God has been very kind to me in general. I am blessed to have amazing husband & very smart kido though he is very independent & hates me if I try to get him to do something. All through out his life he has been go-getter, if he wants something, he will work very hard & get what he wants. he is good in studies, sports & playing out with friends, he is not organized, will wait till last minute, which drives me to wall & stress out. since his high-school years he wanted to get into medical field which he could have gotton right after his high school, which he had messed up due to his not being organized in 9th grade & getting his grades slide a bit. Anyhow that taught him lesson so he did pretty well in his college years & applied to multiple medical colleges. Recently we found out he got accepted in few medical colleges. We all are so happy & thrilled about it, though what I am more proud of it was that I had asked him to assemble some cabinet I had ordered online, & he was givig me runaround for few weeks, fianally he came & did it for me in few hours. I was so happy & told him we will give him assembley money he saved us, & what he told me made me proud mom, he was like mom you are insulting me by saying you will pay me assembly money, we are family & we do things for each other. I was so happy told him, you know it really does not matter to me as much that you got into top medical schools or not , but what you said matters to me most. yes we would have been unhappy upset had he not gotten in medical school, but being nice human being who loves his family matters to us more. So I feel I got my mothers day gift already.
Recently I watched very inspiring talk given by girl who lost her leg in senseless robbery & train accident. It was quite amazing to hear her talk about ordeal she went through. after she was thrown off moving train for resisting her gold chain robbery & she fell on track & losing her leg in process. Anyhow after she got treated with prosthetic leg, being national volleyball athlete she decided she would climb mount Everest with her prosthetic leg. Think about courage she had. one line stuck with me you are handicapped because of your limiting thoughts & not by your physical ability. I was telling hubby about this girl's amazing journey & he said something very interesting lot of times in life we stop ourselves thinking OMG this is so hard and I can't do it, & when you push it through it & do it that's your mount Everest. I know in course of my day I go through many limiting thoughts, if I remember his line that this is my mount Everest, it will give me that courage strength to push past my fears.
Asha
I so look forward to my Sundays with my AHAs with super soul sunday & being married to my very spiritual, practical soulmate, my life is very rich with all ths AHAs. Today oprah while interviewing bradley cooper for his role in star is born as actor, director said "Art is kinda form of prayer", my husband quickly added Any work you do is a form of prayer, & AHA light bulb went in my head, its so true any work we do, if we do we should be doing as form of prayer, such that even if its volunteer work or you are working for money, or doing duties as mother & wife, it should be done as our prayer to God, & we try to do our best with our capabilities & not get attached to results, will give us most satisfaction in life
Asha
it has to be stroke deficit, but sometimes when trying to think through simple technical problem, one minute I have things crystal clear in my mind & then after 5 mins it just disappears& I keep on trying to get to the solution & just chase my own tail in developing simple software code, which should be so easy. It is so frustrating the way I am doing my volunteer work, I am glad its volunteering or else I would have been fired so long ago. though people working in my team must be thinking such an idiot can't figure out simple things. but I guess that's the reason I am retired from the work force since my cognitive skills are impaired
This Feb 8 it will be my 15th stroke anniversary valentine day. I can't believe it has been 15 years since I have been to valley of my life's journey, though old wisdom is right you find out who is truly yours when you are at your rock bottom, who is willing to lend you hand & get you out of mud. I found out who truly loves me & willing to stand by me when I was in my worst shape of my life. my siblings, mom, spouse, our son were biggest motivator in me pushing hard to fight for life which is now very stimulating& satisfying.I never knew I could still find so much happiness in my life, even when it felt like my life was over. I guess being stubborn & go with flow personality helps. I guess If I want something or believe in something, I won't give up. & me believing that I have full responsibility towards our son & he deserves better mom, made me always push myself more, & seeing positive results of it, made me push my boundaries even further. & after 15 years on this journey. life is good again. its different than how I would have envisioned it, though there is still lot of joy in it, Since we started celebrating as our valentine day I don't dread my stroke anniversary, I actually look forward to it. Its usually Broadway show with nice dinner & flowers kind of family date. Anyway I see lot of good things have happened in my life last year. I pushed envelop little further which have helped my self confidence even further. Few things I learnt hard way, but my life is richer due to it. hope whoever is reading this blog, never gives up & keep fighting & see how beautifully life will unfold for you the way it did for me
Asha
As all of you aware by now I love watching Oprah's super soul sunday series on her OWN channel. I love listening spiritual awakening books or discussion, since I always learn something new from them even if its repeat. This Sunday was no different, when facebook COO sheryl Sandburg talking about her book lean in. Book she wrote after sudden death of her young husband while exercising on readmill while family was vacationing in costa rica. She talked about how post traumatic growth can also occur in person instead of stress after traumatic event happen in person's life. I fully agree with that statement, but I also feel having solid support system around them helps, she talked about how gratitude helps, I also feel having reason bigger than yourself also helps to pull yourself together, & given enough time has passed also helps. you can see how things finally have unfolded in your life & seeing everything fall into place again more beautifully, you can see that beautiful post traumatic growth she was talking about. it was one of my AHA moment of Sunday.
Happy New year everyone. time is flying by so fast. 2018 got over so quickly, My 2018 was year to be grateful for, lot of new & challenging things happening in my life, though with those challenges also came feeling confident in myself was biggest reward Though lot of times during year felt like giving up, but with not giving up, I see growth in myself. I grew more confident in my ability than inability. Now 2019 is here, year brings in lot of anticipation. I am scared & praying hard for everything to fall in place for our son. Its year full of anticipation & I wish & pray all his hard-work pays off & he is well onto path of his chosen field.
Asha
Since hubby's most of the family still back in India, we do go & visit India every two years. traveling with me is bit scary sometimes, we both have to be extra careful of me not stumble anywhere & fall on uneven terrain, which in India there are plenty when we go visit our home cities & our village where construction is always going on on roads. & not railings to hold anywhere except hand of my family member.hubby always had me in his death grip lol. This year I made plan in such a way that we took halt in dubai for 3 days before going to India, against hubby's desire. hubby is never interested in going to any saudi country as an american tourist. he always think world is so big why take chances. So Egypt, Russia, North korea is not going to feature in our travel plans any time soon. We had lot of fun in our travel. In Dubai we did most of our touristy points in our three days. We did desert safari which was riding on sand dunes in SUV. you get motion sickness going up & down on dunes & feeling OMG this vehicle is going to topple now, but thankfully due to skill of driver you come out laughing. We saw most beautiful mosque in abudhabhi where you have to wear burkha while visiting mosque. you realize this oil rich country has so much money to spend on mosque, & their palaces. We had major jetag confusion in dubai but no harm was done it was just funny, we thought it was next day early morning & went for breakfast & it turned out to be still evening, so it was dinner time, only drawback was I ended up taking shower two times & we packed up early lol. We both enjoyed Dubai then on our way to India, met our grandchild (my niece's son) for the first time & hubby's whole family. hubby hs big family he is youngest of 7 brothers & sister, so its always joy meeting every one. Usually there is always one or two new member to meet in his family. This time it turned out to be new family member in my side of the family. & no new member in his side of the family. hubby said jokingly that productivity has gone down in his side of the family this year lol. This year while traveling fortunately I did not fall anywhere like last time, though my sister-in-law & brother-in-law fell, luckily no one got majorly injured & it was just bruise to their ego. We are finally home & in our bed though it still takes time to orient myself which way I have to go for bathroom in the night.
I still have jet-lag of happiness. on Friday celebrated another birthday with my loved ones, I feel so blessed to be surrounded by so much love. I got jackpot in set of family & friends who decided to stick by us & come in our life. feel so fortunate to have all of them in our life. like every year hubby took day off my birthday & we visited my favorite temples with our friends & dinner at one of my favorite restaurant. every one who mattered called or left messages for my birthday, party extended till weekend, my sister planned big get together at her home & sister in law made cake from scratch, so big fun party at sisters place. I turned 49 this year, I had never imagined I could be still happy after stroke. & I can be still life of party even with my disability. I am thankful for my sense of humor which is still as sharp as before, so I am still able to laugh on myself & others. I don't care about my dance ability any more, as long as I am having fun that's what matters. & nowadays I don't care what others think of the way I look or dance, I find myself very inspiring with the way I am, so fun life goes on.
Asha
I am the person who is afraid to make decisions for the fear of getting it wrong. Since I feel happy & my ego gets boosted when decision I made turned out to be beneficial for our family. So any big decisions when money is involved I put it on hubby, which is not good way of being strong independent woman. Its not that hubby doesn't make mistakes, he does too, but he never makes it equate to him being failure. when hubby makes wrong decision, he has courage to stand behind that decision & make it right again, in some he looses but gains valuable experience & confidence, which I lack since I am afraid to make a mistake since I only want to hear how good I am & not you suck mom. Now slowly getting that confidence that any decisions made in life is good thing, either it will boost your confidence for doing things correctly first time or teach you valuable lesson in life. We all have to learn from our mistakes & grow from it. Sometimes things that scare us most are good teaching tools for us.
Asha
I am woman with still work in progress. I keep on learning, forgetting & relearning my lessons. Some lessons my life experiences has taught me are hardest to learn & I still struggle with those from time to time. Though I am blessed in a way, that since I gravitate towards those kind of people who can share their spiritual wisdom & get me on right path any time I struggle,.I have been surrounded by amazing set of people who put me back on right path. So that brings amazing joy in my life. Anyway these Sunday some of us met & discussing these big questions life throws at us like why I am here & what's purpose of my life. I was telling every one that how when good things happen in your life, we are likely to take all credit for it, but as soon as something goes wrong in life then you start questioning God & where is he, why did he allowed something so bad happen in my life. One of the argument was made, you need to put God first in your life, in good times & in bad times, he gets all credit. Hubby said wonderful thing while we were walking home, he was like why do we have to label any event as good or bad, events are just events in our life, we got to deal with them as they come along in our life. two very thought provoking statements which straightens me & my ego out.
Asha
I know I keep on saying this, but realizing something amazing about my hubby after 27 years of marriage is funny. That shows you how I am so different in understanding different love languages of people. ok back to my life. I recently realized something wonderful hubby used to do when I had just come in this country out of love, duty or fear for my safety, so I never paid attention to it & took it for granted. Anyhow here is story, after our marriage when I first came to this country, we used to live in New York city. It was 1990s, NYC was not as safe is as it is today. Anyhow in those times there were no cell phones to communicate, internet was not very ubiquitous yet. I used to take graduate level courses in university in new Jersey & we did not have car so I used to take public transportation so none of us had any control over its reaching time schedule. but on my class days he would always be there waiting on subway station to take me home, since walk home was not very safe in the evening. In my own frustration of spending few hours in public transportation to reach home, I don't ever remember wondering how long did he have to wait for me. Though recently I realized it while talking with old friends about old struggling days, & light-bulb went on, that hey asha do you realize how lucky I am to be married to such a steadfast, dependable guy. So had to share here, so I never forget
Asha
As you all know by now I enjoy & love my life including all lessons & blessings that come my way. Recently we reconnected with our spiritual group which I was active before while taking kido to his indian languge classes & vedic hinduisim classes where they were learning about two epics Ramayana & Mahabharata of India. where one epic taught them about how to be noble human being so what we should strive to become by following God ramas footsteps, & other epic taught them what we should not do & in one of the epic lord answered student all questions we encounter in our life journey where you question all those deep questions of the life.
So anyways after kido grown up & we had lost touch with this elite group which are full of learned intellectuals & now accidentally we reconnected again & I feel my life has become so much richer due to interactions with highly intellectual people. I feel so blessed to be surrounded by some classy people. learned something so interesting yesterday which wanted to write down so that I don't forget in flurries of living life. one of the interesting thing host talked about is how to worship God. & one of the example used was like how river forged their path & go through some difficult terrain & pave the way & finally merges into ocean by shedding all their identity in process of finally merging into ocean. that's how we should be worshiping God. I know I still need to work on my ego & shed that. I realized I am blessed & can't take any credits for anything in life. Though I am so thankful for people, books & everything & everybody who has en lighted my life, for that I send big thanks & love to the universe.
Asha
I am pretty much go with flow personality, & had never known some of the other good qualities about me which I was not sure of before, & now learning about me every day & always think damn my husband is so lucky to be married to me 😄 maybe I should also tell him that. Anyways what's new with my life recently our kido had severe allergic reaction to soy protein powder he had which he had after his exercise. usally at home he takes whey protein, since he was at college & didn't have that, he decided to take his friends soy protein & he had bad allergic reaction, he calls us telling us to get benedryl & he will be fine after he takes shower & med. after e came home, one look at him & I told him lets go to ER after you take benedryl. he had hives on his body & eyes were all swollen. luckily his throat was fine. So after few hours at ER & some miraculous med we came home. l am glad it wasn't worse off than what it was, & it became good teaching moment for all of us. I keep on telling him get your vitamins from food & not from this processed powder we don't have any control over it, finally it sunk in him that MOM is RIGHT. Anyway going to ER make me realize our son has become mature adult, he handled everything by himself, we were just concerned parents sitting on sidelines & feeling proud of our future doctor who will learn to become compassionate by being patient himself. What else is new in my life, recently we decided to convert out half bath to full bath, so that our both floors can become livable & I don't have to go upstairs for any reason in case I end up having surgery for my torn miniscus. I realized I really underestimate myself in lot of things. I never enjoy designing process cause it is hard for me to imagine how things will look with particular design. but I do realize I do have good taste in things, & now that our bathroom remodeling is done. I love it the way it turned out.
So another lesson learnt, I am PERFECT the way I am & whoever people are in my life willingly are lucky to have me in their life 😄
Asha
I do have love hate relationship with my husband, in some things he is angel & I love him for his behavior & in some cases he will act so indifferently that you wonder does he really likes to be with you or not. like I say he is great dad & husband in taking care of his responsibilities, you feel relaxed because you know he will make sure things gets done. but ask him anything I would like to do like go on some fancy vacation or going to restaurant, he will be least interested & you wonder whether he likes to spend time with you or not. but he does not stop me from planning it, but he is least interested in showing any enthusiasm for it. So I feel I m dragging him & that reduces my joy, though after every time we go on vacation together because of my nature of going with flow we end up having lot of fun. So I hate that part of him, anything I want to do his first instinct will be to say no & then he will come around saying yes which reduces my joy. finally after my stroke I have learnt only I can control my happiness & not give any button of my happiness in other people's hands. But I hate that feeling as if you are living unattached single person, cause I would like to feel as family who takes care of each other joys & sorrows. Just writing down my own thoughts & confusion about life, love & family
Sunday is my super soul Day, I get AHAs by dozen & it is fun to see my whole journey getting validated by so many others who have walked on similar path of suffering I had been through when I felt such a huge loss of my dream of how things should be shattering into pieces, but realizing in midst of all that suffering not everything was broken, even though I was all broken open. I am so blessed to be married to such a great guy along with my sister reminding me to notice those positives when I was so much surrounded by all the family & friends 24X7. I couldn't have asked better family than my own. Anyhow back to sermon I got today on my super soul Sunday where Mark Nepo was pointing it out that realizing this in midst of suffering that not everything is broken in your life even when you feel like there is nothing left gives person strength, I know It did help me when I was surrounded by so much love even when I felt like my life was ruined & I didn't have any reason to live.
Asha
Usually every two years I go & meet physiatrist to fill up paper work & see if he has any good idea for us to try. After 14 years of visiting him, he has become friend to us so meeting him is always pleasure & fun, he gives me hard time & reminds me to wear my AFO as I might not get lucky in my future falls, as according to him & hubby I am not getting any younger any more lol. They both know booboo I have accumulted so far So I better wear my AFO. It's always fun arguing with him about my reasons & ofcourse meeting all those young doctors also fun I enjoy teaching them they are affecting life of real people here & they are making huge difference in quality of life of people by doing their job & also seeing our son in them makes me so happy.
Recently I had to fill up some government paperwork for getting indian visa & I decided if my brother can do it, I can do it & start the process, man it took me solid few days to finally everything filled up correctly, I feel I deserve vacation after accomplishing that job & feel so smart now. I think my IQ level must have doubled in doing that exercise lol. Anyhow when you accomplish something in life it does make you feel happy. So I am happy camper right now
Asha
I struggled big time after my stroke thinking why did I survived my stroke in such a bad shape, what's the purpose of my life, having young family at home gave me courage & strength to fight on, in my mind I always thought God wanted me to be around for our young son & hubby, my sister joked at that age of hubby it would have been difficult to find him new wife too lol, which used to crack me up till my college friend reminded me, he got dove so it wouldn't have been too difficult for him, so joke was on me, but anyhow I thought purpose of me surviving was for them. I don't have any clue whats the purpose of my life any more. Though I now don't worry about it either, I just take one day at a time & have fun every day. I enjoy my life to fullest. I enjoy nature, my walks, my friends, my family, everything. I read great line by Tao Chinese philosopher, which says one who persists is a person of a purpose, which makes full sense to me, I persisted right after my stroke thinking about my young family, today life is fun & meaningful in everything I do.
Asha
I have read about it, that doing gratitude journal & being nice to others are easy happy feelings booster. I will do my gratitude journal whenever I remember from time to time, but never knew even thank you letter can bring out such a great happy feelings. In my post stroke journey I have encountered ton of doctors most were very nice to us some had better bedside manners than others, but my cardiologist who sealed hole in my heart was way kinder to me & will always have special place in our heart. We are all very thankful to him, & today after 14 years when our son starts writing his medical college application essay & he still remembers cardiologist who did innovative surgery on his mom with minimum downtime. It reminded us of great doctor with amazing bedside manners & who had kissed me on my cheek during our consultation visit with my husband after listening to ordeal we had gone through & now came to him for alternative surgery instead of open heart surgery to fix that hole in my heart.
Anyhow sending him that thank you note made me feel so good, hope it brightens his day too. I can see power of being kind & nice to others is biggest mood booster. such simple tricks to do in life to be happy person.
Asha
I love Oprah's super soul Sunday series & love authors she talks to on her show, it opens up my world & I get so many AHAs & feel great about my own journey. This week she was talking to Eat,Pray & love Author Elizabeth Gilbert, who was sharing her life experiences & strength she got from reading Heros journey by Joseph Campbell. In a nutshell all of us are called to do something out of our comfort zone & when we face our fears & accept the challenges given to us, that's when hero is born. & in that challenge lot of time we all get fear whether we will be able to do it or not based on our our fears & we either accept challenge or ignore it, but when we accept challenge that's when hero is born, since this journey is never easy, its filled with lot of fear, people not helping & lot of other drama, but when we rise to occasion something beautiful comes out of this experience. Our challenges & sufferings are our biggest teachers, if we , instead of resisting, go with flow & learn lesson it is trying to teach us, something very beautiful & powerful comes out of that suffering. whole hour while watching show I was going YES SO TRUE.
I remember asking God to show me some sign that I am on right path when I had decided to go on disability, & my attention was drawn to logo of college I was attending which was upside down of company I was leaving behind. & I remember feeling at peace with my decision, & today looking it back I feel it was one of the best decisions of our life. today I am actually thankful to all my experiences in my life it has taught me some great lessons & I am thankful for all those lessons. Just today while enjoying our Sunday brunch at home while watching birds on our feeder & feeling so happy & was telling hubby missed all these relaxing morning when we were young, since you are always thinking of what things need to be done instead of enjoying your present "now". My stroke experience taught me to be in present moment.
Asha
as most of you know I am blessed with amazing family, who has great dad who provides his unconditional love to all of us & we also have very bright son who on most days is nicest, wise young man who does right things, but I find it sometime we have to push him hard or ask ton of questions before he will do things which is utmost important at this point in his life, so it just escapes me what is he really scared of, why is he not doing what is required of him to do, to be successful in life. I get so annoyed when after telling him something to do million time & he will say yes & when time comes he will not keep his words, such a childish behavior escapes me. I blame me since its not hubby's quality, that lazy quality is of mine lol. but I have learnt my lessons through some of those mistakes of mine, & I don't want him to go through hardship because of it, why not learn from mommy's mistakes than learning from his own. Anyway I had to vent. I just pray he never pay costly price for his laziness. I tell him he is lucky we are his parents so we won't give up on him & keep on trying our best but be worried when other people start giving up on you, and you loose best opportunities in life.
Asha
Happy Mothers day Everyone. hope every one celebrated mothers day in their own special way. I did too, I feel so grateful & blessed to have wonderful son & hubby who made sure that they follow my orders on what I want to do on mothers day :). and we all had great time together. We went to see great Indian movie & I also feel same way how lead role character tells his son to do when he dies, whistle instead of crying when he is gone, that's what I am telling my family too, I m telling my family to do the same, whistle with joy that I lived my life with full of joy.
I am thankful for this stroke also which gave me second chance to enjoy my family and this world with complete different perspective. I am grateful for all new opportunities, friends, books I have encountered post stroke which has made the person I am today. life is great once again with full of meaning & joy, nothing I do any more today without appreciating the fact that I feel so lucky to be able to do simple things in life. who would have thought doing home chores & going to bathroom without audience can bring so much joy in one's life, I agree so much with Diana Nyad who says when things gets tough in life you have to find a way. I do feel with supportive family & my own initiative I have found a way to appreciate all days. Since I have seen in my own life after dreadful day sun eventually comes out, it is just behind those clouds, all I have to do till then, is just keep my head above water & not drown myself in self pity.
Asha
ok found reason for my good leg knee pain, I have torn miniscus in my knee. if it hurts a lot then surgery needed to remove it, but in future it can cause arthritis & knee replacement surgery or deal with pain meds since knee is not yet so bad that it gives out or locks. you know how the world feels when you are in pain, sunshine, flowers, warm temp, ocean water, beauty, money all feels worthless when you are in pain lol. how our view on life & world can change in an instant when you are in pain. of course I have very loving family who gets stronger & closer when one of us in trouble, & usually its me cause hubby is stronger tan me in dealing with these kind of things. they both call me high maintenance person since I feel & see their love when they both are by my side & keeps on checking on me by phone calls or texts. Anyway I am old enough to know I still got of positives in my life to focus on in life than just focus on this little pain
Asha
Right now I am going through severe pain in my good leg & I feel guilty for putting my lovely family through trouble because of me. I was thinking how will I ever compensate my family for putting them through my health melodrama. I was praying to God that maybe I should get lottery & if I win that way at least I won't be burden on them. My "rich"(content) husband reminded me he has enough & all he wants is my health nothing more. I was telling him money is not for him, money is there for me to make me feel better about my existence lol. I just pray OTC pain meds works & I m pain free.
Asha
