Dan passed away Monday, June 17. He was at home and he is finally out of pain and at peace. I am ok. I've been grieving for four years over the loss of the man I married; now I'm grieving over the loss of the man he became four years ago. He made me laugh right up the the end, I think that's what I will miss the most, he could make me angry one second and laugh the next. Even post stroke he had such a quick, dry sense of humor. He was a lot of things, but he was the most honest, dependable,
I'm having a problem not thinking of things in terms of "us" and "we". I'm doing blah blah to the house vs we're doing blah blah to the house. Need new kitchen chairs, what style, what color, how much to spend. Sounds silly, but I've been half of a WE team for a long time. Even though the last four years I've made all the final decisions, I still asked for Dan's input...good or bad...Dan's color choice for kitchen chairs would have been purple (no, we're not getting purple kitchen chairs). T
Dan's surgery was a month ago and he's been in a nursing home for rehab for two weeks. I've seen Dan frustrated, angry, tired, connected to machines with tubes going into and out of his body. I have never, in 36 years, seen him this mean and hurtful. Not just to me, to everyone. He is verbally abusive to everyone at the facility, to Jeff, and to me. He never used to curse and now it comes out of his mouth like the air he breathes. The F word is now used as often as any other word coming ou
Dan's surgery went very well. It took 6 hours, 2 hours longer than expected because his colon was so diseased. The first things he said when I saw him in Recovery were: 1) I surprised everyone, I didn't die 2) I'm hungry and 3) When can I have Chinese? All of the docs who have seen him are very pleased, if not a little surprised, by how well he's doing. He's been so frail for so long everyone was very concerned about the surgery outcome. He even had solid food yesterday and scarfed it down
Dan is in bed, has been since 6:00pm. I'm just sitting here messing around on the computer and doing nothing productive. I've had a good day. Got a massage, had my teeth cleaned, and did a little shopping. Dan sleeps a lot more lately. He's ready to go to bed by 3pm and I have to tell him NO, it's too early. Of course he argues. It's so hard telling someone who was such a strong independent man that he can't do things, like go to bed at 3pm, eat candy bars all day long, spend $20 on break
I wasn't sure what to do with Dan's ashes after his memorial mass. I scattered some of them along a trail he used to enjoy visiting, some of them were scattered with his mom's ashes at her parents gravesite with some mums. The rest of them, and the bulk of them, I decided to take to Maine were we loved to visit. When we lived in Massachusetts we used to visit Kennebunkport, ME every fall. Oh, what beautiful country! We usually went after peak foiliage season because the rates were lower...ev
Life can be so exhausting. One day you're up the next day you're down. I get so tired. Not sleepy, just tired, if that makes any sense.
Dan gets so angry in the evening. Sometimes it seems as though I can never do anything that makes him happy. Last night I was told I was "invading his privacy" and "invading his space". It started out when he had a glob of ketchup on his chin. I gave him a tissue to wipe it off and he tossed it away. I asked him to please wipe it off and he said no.
Dan was moved to ICU Sunday evening. He was having a lot of problems breathing, his BP was up and down one hour 175/?? the next 85/?? he was hallucinating very badly, trying to get out of bed, refusing to let anyone help him, resistant to anything and everyone. He's been on a ventilator since Sunday and heavily sedated. Just talked to the nurse and he's off all sedation and they're taking the breathing tube out this morning. Time will tell.
I keep wondering how much more he can take. I
Sometimes I just want to walk out and never come back. Sometimes I think my brain is shutting down. I've been on a bit of a crying jag this last week. It started a week ago last Wednesday when Dan started having severe lower abdomen pain right after I got into bed. I got up and nothing would alleviate the pain and he didn't want to go to the hospital. Finally after three hours of moaning and groaning in pain he agreed that he needed to go to ER. Called 911, sat in ER until 5am when he was
Last week was horrible and it's continuing this week.
The Cliff Notes version is that I got a stomach bug and was sick as a dog. Dan was to be discharged to my rehab of choice on Thursday. On Wednesday I called the docs office regarding Dan's next Remicaide infusion which prompted the docs office to call my rehab facility of choice to see if they could do the infusion. OMG what a fiasco. Apparently Dan's eval was completed prior to his first infusion of Remicade, so the drug was not on
Life has calmed down considerably.
Dan is in an excellent facility this time. He gets OT, PT, and ST every day. He wasn't able to sit on the edge of the bed when he got there and yesterday he sat on the edge of the bed for 30 minutes without anyone propping him up. Yea rah!! He can't hold his head up anymore so they spend a lot of time stretching his neck and his back. Of course, he complains constantly. The first week I had to leave the therapy room because I just couldn't take his c
Dan's been gone six weeks now. His memorial mass was a week ago. I was so very touched by the number of people that were there. Two of his high school classmates (graduated 50 years ago), a friend from Tennessee, friends I worked with 40 years ago, neighbors, a lady that I baby sat for her daughter 50 years ago, brothers, sisters, niece, nephews...oh my! The "church ladies" put together a luncheon after the mass and family came to the house after the luncheon. The in-laws left for home the
My Florida trip was fantastic!! I went with three friends, two of them are caregivers, one a caregiver a few years ago to her husband. I'm the youngest of the four, the eldest is 87. What a group!! I was the chauffeur, which is odd because I don't have any sense of direction and can't remember where I turned five minutes ago. Thank goodness for the GPS on my phone! lol We rented a condo on Treasure Island in St. Petersburg. The condo was a couple hundred feet from the Gulf. We had four d
Dan's surgery was two days ago. Surgery was successful and, so far, he is doing very well. They have him in a monitored room, not ICU, where they can watch his heart and breathing. The nurses and aides are all so good to him. He started flirting with them as soon as he was out of recovery. lol The doctor says he'll be in the hospital probably 6 or 7 days. First guess is that he'll come home straight from the hospital and get in home rehab. I really hope so because I really hate nursing ho
Spring has finally made it to central Indiana. The sun has been shining for two consecutive days!! Indiana winters are very drab and dull. It's interesting how everyone's mood changes with the sun. I was in the grocery yesterday and everyone was smiling. I've gotten a little yard work done but it needs to be just a little warmer before I can plant some of the annuals Dan has purchased. He still has all of these great plans of things he's going to do in the yard, he just forgets that he can
The sun makes everyone feel better even when it's cold. We've had a good week. Dan has been very pleasant since I got home. We went to a museum in Indy today and stopped at Olive Garden for linner, that's what we call a late lunch and early dinner combined. It warmed up to 25 and it was sunny all day.
Dan had his surgery consult yesterday and the surgeon wants to try another med and to go to yet another GI doc for a consultation. We are very fortunate to have IU Medical Center in downt
We are having a very uneventful day, which is good sometimes. Jeff took the holiday off so it's just me and Dan. The morning routine wears me out so very much. We were going to go to a movie today but Dan was just too tired. In all honesty, I was too tired too, so I was a little relieved that he decided not to go. He seems to be so tired lately. He's told me several times that he's tired of being tired.
Dan has an appointment Jan 23 with a surgeon about his impending surgery. I know i
So much has happened since my last post.
Within one week of being in the rehab facility Dan had pneumonia in both lungs, sepsis, and he was so dehydrated that his kidneys had started to fail. Thank God they got him to the hospital and ICU quick enough that his kidneys did not fail. He's stronger and eating again.
Here's the short story of what happened. The doctor ordered a picc line on Friday because Dan's BP was 70 and he was very lethargic. I was assured that he would be getti
I did it!! We're back home in Indiana. We moved into our new house Jan 10 right ahead of a midwest snow storm. The movers came the following day with our belongings. Dan's older brother, younger brother, and their respective souses arrived right after the movers, one from central Illinois and one from northern Indiana. They not only unpacked, they put away 90% of the boxes and organized the basement and garage. It's like a treasure hunt looking for things! Dan's family has been a tremendo
We celebrated our 25th wedding anniversary last Wednesday, 10/17. We dated for 9 years and knew each other for two years before we started dating. Sometimes it seems like yesterday. I hardly remember not knowing Dan and can't imagine life without him.
We took a two day, one night trip to Nashville, IN. We've been going there since we started dating and Dan wanted to go there for our anniversary. Nashville is located in Brown County, IN. There's a very nice park and Nashville is an "art
I had a bit of a meltdown today. It happens occasionally. If I wasn't through menopause I'd say I had PMS! lol
Dan's caregiver was out sick Monday and Tuesday so I was on my own for two days. I had forgotten how tiring taking care of him all day can be. With Jeff out two days and because of doctor appointments I hadn't had any time to myself since last Friday. So today it caught up with me. After spending an hour on the phone with the insurance company trying to find out why a drug t
Dan is being discharged from the hospital to another facility today. Last week was absolutely horrible. Dan was turned down by 3 facilities because of VRE. The rankings on medicare.gov are so misleading. In February I chose a 4 star rated facility who didn't monitor urine output and his kidneys almost failed. This time someone recommended a 1 star rated facility and I very cautiously checked it out. It seems like a very nice facility. Their rehab area is state of the art. They have hydro
So much has happened since my last blog.
On 5/5 the doc at the ECF ordered the same antibiotic that he had prescribed three weeks prior for Dan's UTI. What in the name of heaven made him think that the drug that didn't work three weeks ago would suddenly work now??? I had a hissy fit and requested another physician. The new physician reviewed Dan's chart and the next day Dan was sent to the hospital. Four days later he was transferred to ICU with pneumonia in both lungs and sepsis. His
Our weather has changed drastically. We've dropped over 20° in the last few days. I love the cooler weather, I just wish the sun would shine. I started my day with plans of cutting back the daisies, cleaning up the day lillys, and pulling weeds. All of the above are about two weeks overdue. None of them got done. This morning I was sitting in the kitchen reading the Sunday newspaper, drinking coffee, and planning my yard work activities. Then I started remembering Sunday the way it used to
A short bio since I've been off of StrokeNet for almost eight years.
I live in Indiana which is in the middle of the US. My husband, Dan, stroked in 2009 and passed away in 2013 as a result of surgery. I truly can't believe that he's been gone so long, I still think of him and miss him every day. People say that you eventually get over the death of a loved one, I don't believe that to be true. I don't think you ever "get over" it rather you are able to accept it for what it is.
