Some people would assume at times I share a lot of the traits as someone who is Bipolar for I tend to be riding on a roller coaster of emotions. I don’t have the extreme changes in my personality like deep lows that keep me in bed and I don’t want to assume I know those feelings but I know I’m not nor ever have been. My issues may appear like depression when in fact they are exhaustion. Mental exhaustion. On a regular-season basis I have days in which I wake up, meaning I open my eyes, around 7-9 am and I feel like I have 200lbs of weight keeping me down in bed.
I may be “awake” but my mind isn’t quite ready to conquer the day and I lay in bed watching Hulu or Netflix on my tablet. I’m not hungry or thirsty and can go until Noon or 1:00pm before I even have the energy to move. Yeah, I may get up to use the bathroom but that’s a far as I can go. I can’t even begin to tell you, how many people have accused me of having depression. “Get out of bed and just try” or “You should just go out more”. Yes I agree but I can’t even begin to explain I’m not depressed. I may be sad a times but in no way am I depressed so all the positivity needed to break that cycle won’t work on me. My brain in COMPLETELY EXHAUSTED.
I can’t imagine what someone with depression must be going through. I am not trying to equate my issues with what someone with true mental de-stress must feel all I can I talk about is my situation. Sure I was depressed or very upset in the beginning of my recovery. I always tries to see the light at the end of the tunnel. I found that easier for most of my past memories were lost so all I had to gauge my life as what it is now. SO I found myself not being able to do things so I knew I had to work hard to re gain as much as I can. Most people are burdened with the memories of their past life. I couldn’t imagine…. Really!
So please, just because I may not have the energy to get out of bed and do something doesn’t mean I don’t want be active or spend time with you. I don’t have the energy to adult.
I often relay a fantastic story I read called “The Spoon Theory”
In part it explains how things you may do every day takes someone with a brain injury (this story was about Lupus) and incredible amount of energy to just function in daily life. I have no claim to this story but it is a great explanation of our levels of life that can change daily. I could wake up in the morning and by the afternoon, I may not be able to think straight or talk clearly.
“I asked her to count her spoons. She asked why, and I explained that when you are healthy you expect to have a never-ending supply of “spoons”. But when you have to now plan your day, you need to know exactly how many “spoons” you are starting with. It doesn’t guarantee that you might not lose some along the way, but at least it helps to know where you are starting. She counted out 12 spoons. She laughed and said she wanted more. I said no, and I knew right away that this little game would work, when she looked disappointed, and we hadn’t even started yet. I’ve wanted more “spoons” for years and haven’t found a way yet to get more, why should she? I also told her to always be conscious of how many she had, and not to drop them because she can never forget she has Lupus. I asked her to list off the tasks of her day, including the most simple. As, she rattled off daily chores, or just fun things to do; I explained how each one would cost her a spoon. When she jumped right into getting ready for work as her first task of the morning, I cut her off and took away a spoon. I practically jumped down her throat. I said ” No! You don’t just get up. You have to crack open your eyes, and then realize you are late. You didn’t sleep well the night before. You have to crawl out of bed, and then you have to make your self something to eat before you can do anything else, because if you don’t, you can’t take your medicine, and if you don’t take your medicine you might as well give up all your spoons for today and tomorrow too.” I quickly took away a spoon and she realized she hasn’t even gotten dressed yet. Showering cost her spoon, just for washing her hair and shaving her legs. Reaching high and low that early in the morning could actually cost more than one spoon, but I figured I would give her a break; I didn’t want to scare her right away. Getting dressed was worth another spoon. I stopped her and broke down every task to show her how every little detail needs to be thought about. You cannot simply just throw clothes on when you are sick. I explained that I have to see what clothes I can physically put on, if my hands hurt that day buttons are out of the question. If I have bruises that day, I need to wear long sleeves, and if I have a fever I need a sweater to stay warm and so on. If my hair is falling out I need to spend more time to look presentable, and then you need to factor in another 5 minutes for feeling badly that it took you 2 hours to do all this.”
She wrote that explanation for everyone..