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Nursing Home Life

Well Nursing Home life isn't easy for Dan or myself. I continue to visit daily during my noon hour. It is bitter sweet. My sister notices everytime I return from a visit on the weekend how sad I am. I can't seem to let go of our prestroke lives. I never realized how co- dependant I was. Almost 5 years out now. The first two taking care of Dan at home was fabulous, no it wasn't - right--- the refusals the not drinking the not eating -- on and on.. But for a bit I tricked myself into the rose colored glasses. And the last two - frightening .   The kids don't help as much as they had promised --- kids right. They have their own lives, as they should. I still am struggling with the depression, but now we are going down the road of bi- polar .... Same meds, leaving the effexor alone -- but using the a much higher dose of ambilify.... Last time I was on it i was at 2mg now ; we are going 5 mg for a week and then 10 mg.... scared of the weight gain.... My depression isn't the sad, crying can't get out of bed... I am manic for the most part my mind races and my body reacts to the mind racing... worry about Dan, then I worry about work ( mind you my boss is not a high pressure person) worry about the kids, day dream about the past. in split seconds.... Always a multitasker , now brain won't stop multitasking... But I am better no doubt, so if your reading this and think OH - she is sinking again, i am not. I just want to get a bit better. And waiting the past 4 months or so with no med changes hasn't improved me. But I haven't went backward either.   I have big decisions to make. Good job opportunity if I can handle it and I am not sure I can. My boss is considering running for judge. And he will most likely win. I can go with him. But the level of work I am not sure I am up to at this point. However - good pay, good benefits, love my boss,. But working in a full office of women scares me. However I would have my own office and really only interact when needed.   My boss and I worked a really big case last week and went to trial with it. We lost but it was about a 90% chance going into it we would, I felt we got the odds to about 50/50 when it went to jury. We lost. But did a absolute great job defending him.   Now my next touchy topic, if one has a constructive thing to say - then say it. If you want to criticize or make me feel bad - keep it to yourself. I am lonely. I miss my old life. But that is gone. Dan as I knew him is gone. He is a dependent, and I love him, but not a husband. The stroke stripped us of all that. So I have seen a few men. Guess what, none want to be seen with me. They like me, but being seen ( small rural town) with me, they can't do. One was absolutely sure he could. But in public I felt the shrinking from me. No fixes to that. For those of you who don't know - I am 48.   Dan has his own private room at the nursing home finally !! He is much more settled. But every behavior he has is still a issue. So I have to mentally prepare myself everytime I visit. Got to be ready for shut the door, lights out, fix the picture move the TV just a bit. On and On....   How on earth did I take care of him for 4 yrs and now I can't hardly do an hour ? No answers...   The whole why us, why, why, why.... doesn't matter - it is what it is.... Now if I can just accept that, I would probably feel a lot better.

nancyl

nancyl

 

I tried to blog but lost the feed

and it was a good one... I wanted to check in and say - HI -- I am OK, Dan is OK... surviving... I will write when I can get a good internet feed..... Nancy

nancyl

nancyl

 

sister

I think I told you all in another blog that my sister moved from CO. to be with me. She is the baby of the family, so her and I are learning about each other. And we have been almost non stop seperation from one another. We are both living a little like teenagers. Neither one of us had a adult life before marrying, and taking care of kids. So we go out a lot ( more than we should) and we have been adopted by a group of older men, which sounds a little bad , but it is not that way, I promise. Just a bunch of farmers to visit with. And not worrying about " others" bothering us to much. So me and Emmy ( sister) can people watch which is our favorite activity. And this girl has been through her own personal hell. She was married to a complete narrasacistic jerk. who literally did nothing to take care of his family. He once bought a two thousand dollar bike ( rarely used it ) , now it sits. But he forgot food needs to be on the table for the kids. And sis was already working 2 jobs. So she like me is a wounded bird. both of broken by life. But I am slowly healing from my depression and she is as well. So we have been so good together . And knowing her now has been such a honor. She came here for me. sacrificed for me. And she has some positive benefits as well. No working two jobs just one. she can support her college kids for the most part ( only food and incidentals ) but still it gives her pride. Before it was hand to mouth always thinking a mile ahead of the husband and knowing his priorities - not his kids- is a hard road to deal with. and as mothers we want the ability to be there for our children, and health insurance is good to.... lol... Any how wanted to introduce my sister to you all. without her, I am not sure where I would be in this depression mess. Nancyl

nancyl

nancyl

 

Brilliance or Not - probably not....

My brother said this to me and it is how I deal with that wonderful guilt ( ok in small doses , not so good when you choke on it) so my brother said. You deal with you and getting better, God is dealing with Dan. If you could have fixed him, he would be fixed. If you could have made him happy , he would be happy. You did the very best you could, and now it is time to let go. I agree. We all have Bible guilt. But bear in mind many people who survive medical issues today, would not have in the biblical day. So comparing apples to oranges is not fair. Being fair to others great. Why is it we can't seem to cross the line of the advise we give. And we would never pass judgement on another so harshly. I have proved one thing - care giving can kill you. And we certainly can't help anyone if we are not here. ... This is never meant to offend others. It is my own blog and a place to put my wonderful brilliance...... Ha Ha, I learned I am so close to the situation - I have no brilliance left........ Nancy

nancyl

nancyl

 

Learning to let go.

I am not sure when I will or if I can, like colleen I am enjoying my alone time. I was asked by my counselor why I took care of Dan to such a extreme. ?? Well, promises mean something to me. I try never to break one, my word IS my bond. Old time rule I know but I guess I am a old-time gal. I take care of him because a 30 yr marriage is something. He is father to my children and I know no-one in his family would. Not one person in his family would co-ordinate good nursing care - or even research the best place for him. I mean these people never visit now. I can't imagine having no-one. and ultimately we are all dan has. so my 3 reasons. Maybe the are not good ones, i have no idea. But they are mine. Lately my daughter has been treating me like I am still mentally ill. She gives me the judgmental looks. Am I a little nuts. anyone with my issues would be... do I hear a alleluia ? probably spelled that wrong. I am not sure I will return to perestroke Nancy. I don't believe it is possible. I put blinders on to get through the 1st 4 years of the stroke, lost my blinders and seen the truth of it and tried hard not to trip, the blinders had kept me focused. take them away and i could see, and while gawking around, I tripped and fell into a circumstantial mental illness. Now my daughter makes me feel - less than- not on purpose but I can see it in her eyes. we have reversed roles. A thing that happens when you fall flat on your face. But since now I go out with my sister many weekends - ( mind you ND offers little in entertainment) and my daughter is concerned. I ordered a whittling kit.. lo.... to show i am interested in a hobby. which i kinda am. I am enjoying my work but can't push beyond 20 hours a week - i just wash out. But I did help prepare for a fairly large case, and am so proud of my atty I work for. Mind you I come from the criminal justice field so it feels kinda wrong to be part of their defense. But everyone deserves a defense. So I am gonna talk to the boss about an idea I have to accentuate my job. I build a case against while he builds it for. that way he can see the way another might see it. and prepare for it from that perspective. And I can use my instincts in a positive way, by being backwards so to speak... I picked up the nasty cold - yuck-- but it will be short lived i think. - I am gonna call a friend here in a little bit.     A little bit ago I talked about perestroke Nancy - she had a husband. She had 2 jobs- she had a 14 yr old youngest child to take care of. She had another who was also her best friend and compass . She was responsible. She never ever went out as she worked every weekend and most weekdays to. I easily went 21 days without a day off. She read books - lots of them. She never swayed from her role as wife or mother. She was a terrific plow horse. It sounds hard even then ( probably how I survived ). But now I lost my husband - ( he is so different now) My 14 yr old grew up. My mother died unexpectedly at the time I needed her most ( very selfish I know)- She lost both jobs can't work if you can't go to work. She lost complete structure for her life. How can anyone go back to who they were. See the kids don't realize I am changed I tried hard not to. With tragedy come change. And I am certainly not exactly who I was. I am not enjoying grandparenting because it requires work. It requires responsibility for a helpless person... I can't care take for one more minute, one more second and April does not understand. In order to survive I have to be selfish. I have been told time after time, take care of you. I am trying but sitting in a basement waiting to go to work is depressing. But it is good my sister is also working through issues, trying to get divorced from a narcissistic , psychopathic idiot with a aeronautic degree with NO common sense or thought of his family. So we are working through our own issues , each of us. I feel bad - she has to bribe him to sign the paperwork to complete the divorce. So she is gonna offer to pay one more month of bills if he will just sign the paperwork... hey will write more later, people in this house are waking up.

nancyl

nancyl

 

change may have been an OK thing

I feel so much better- finally- med changes-- lamictal , Effexor and abilify --- i have been weaned iff the nortrytriptylen... thank goodness i have done nothing but eat, now i at least feel sensations again. Putting Dan in the nursing home has been good for him and I. To stubborn and stupid on my part to what needed to be done. if any newbies happen to read this..... Be careful ! 24/7 with a severly affected love one, can be done..... but a mental illness can creep up on you. Mine sure did....Feels good to have my mind again...I will write more another time I am tired ( in a good way ) Nancyl

nancyl

nancyl

 

Dans turn

Dan is doing good in the nursing home, he does his best to "guilt me." the look of disappointment when I say it is time for me to get going. I usually spend my lunch hour with him and then come back and spend some time with him. We watch wheel of fortune , the news and whatever old sitcom that comes on. usually i spend about 1.5 hours in the evening. And it is hard to differentiate both worlds. Plain out hard. But necessary.   My survival depends on keeping both worlds apart. Blending them is confusing to both of us. I went to my house last night , just to see if the worlds slowest construction man has made any progress. The construction guy is doing quality work. But SSSLLLOOOWWW- Slow. Anyhow, the neighbors come riding up on their new trike motorcycle. We chatted a few moments . And they said how about a palm breeze it is a popular new beer drink. And we sat on their porch and chatted for about a hour. It was so nice. A real luxury just to have the freedom to just sit with the neighbors.   The people i sold the house to are weird. but hey, it means i can dislike my neighbors which makes me not like the house for an entirely different reason. Am i looking for a reason? you bettcha !!..lol   The kids disappoint me in that going and seeing dan the few times they do. It is a chore i am sure, but i hate being the only one. If i am the only one... then I am the ONLY one. So the moon sets on me coming and going. that is to much for anybody. But the newfound freedom even for a brief time is good.   Dan hasn't had health issues in a very long time. With the exception of constipation.but lord get out of bed and move. But he won't. So my stays are frequent but short in duration. I hope his time isn't long in terms of "time" like a prisioner. A person pass the time slowly or quicker . Many times with no knowledge. That is what is wish for for Dan... I hope the brain damage makes the time go fast, in between his outings and my visits.. Please do not interpret what say incorrectly. It is hard to explain in words.   I continue to do better.. not perfect ,but better. The spinning has stopped but sadnes remains. And of course that comes with every tragedy. and everybody. luckily i had people who helped me out of the pit of dispare. Jus not sure when exactly i fell in there in the first place. 4 years ago a year ago or 6 months ago? In the end it doesn't matter...   Not a lot to blog about except to check in and say... it can get better. One day , hour, minute, second, it can get better.   So life is ticking along in that slow but fast way. I am glad dan is in the nursing home. it is where he needs to be.

nancyl

nancyl

 

return to life

To many of you who have helped me over my obstacle I say THANK YOU. Of course there has been many obstacles. I am referring to two . One placing Dan in the nursing home and two my depression.I am unsure which is/was the hardest. I take meds - thank goodness for them , undoubtedly I would be dead if I didnt have the medication available . I seem to have more good days than bad. I also need to be conscience of mania. The kids all know to be on the alert for it. It is sorta humiliating having to ask permission to do ( what ever) if it involves money. I have to ask. For now that is OK. Dan continue to of well at the nursing home. Where I used to be ubber caregiver I am now not even able to do one more thing for him.. like a runner who is "done" I am confident I will regain that ability. I love him of course, but his obsessive behavior is something I can not deal with. Put the curtain at a certain placement, the blinds ( of course ) the bathroom door shut ,light off and the fan - that is the worst, placement of the fan in a exact position is more than I can handle . Of course I will do one of two of his requests but when he gets going on the " compulsive " I simply leave. I quit doing the tasks and tell him I am leaving, good bye. And I leave, he knows why. I leave pretty upset and of course dan is upset. Neither to the point of crying, but knowing our life was not supposed to turn out this way. But the stroke net motto " It is what it is." Has more truth ,than one who first hears the phrase for the first time. Yesterday i went and seen my brother who lives about 100 miles away. It was a absolute spure of the moment type of decision. I never had the luxury - really ever. I raised kids at a early age myself. Baby raising a baby applies to me for sure. But I managed and did a great job. that i say with confidence , but I had a great mom - so I had big shoes. so i raised the kids got to the point I / we could finally have a grown up life. Bam - here was the stroke. For Dan it was lethal in many ways. He is no longer who he was. He is different the brain damage was profound... Dan of old ,is gone. Took me 4 years to figure that out. the kids figured it out much sooner . And they used to say. Mom that is not dad. And so the person Dan is gone. And what is left is difficult to understand - he looks like my husband - but this is not my husband. And please people - DO NOT think I am in any way saying a stroke does this to all survivors. Our situation - is - Well- it is what it is... I will not abandon Dan but I am chord to live a life with out him in it every moment of every day as I did for the past year. Even when i "gone" I wasn't gone. I called home often to the kids and checked on him. i micro managed his care on the phone.. Now I let the nursing home make the decisions. My instruction to them has been follow your protocol , and the relief is huge. yes i am a case of caregiver gone wild. i mean who marches through 4 years with blinders on. Apparently me. Revelations of who I am , has been hard fought. I do want life , i want to work I want to have fun, i want to enjoy my kids and grandkids, I want to be able to spontaneously go and see family or a friend or - what ever. Guilt ? I have tons of it, tons and tons of it. I am trying hard to shrug it off as I move forward to my " new" life. I did as i have said before - i kicked of the man who was drowning me. My job as a life guard has failed. But my intentions were good. But I got in over my head. But have broken the surface. And there is oxygen, above the stifling caregiving. Do not get me wrong I see many people every day who care give it is the most noble thing one can do. Unless you let caregiving define your entire life. I cared so much, I ended up in a mental institution for 5 weeks. Whoa, partner- do have any idea how sick one has to be to end up in a place like that? But I am glad to say - I am better - but very guarded to say that. After all depression can just show up - no warning but - just there. It filters in to all of a person. Finally it over takes ones life. Then once you realize it has taken over your life. You go to doctors to seek answer, the trow a bottle pills at you and tell you to relax - is just street. Relax and caregiving not even a possibility. You start to think of ways to alleviate the pain, depression is the most excruciating pain I have ever felt. And every bit is YOUR OWN brain betraying you. Suicide becomes a viable solution. You just want the pain of life to end. It is not that you want to die, but you just don't wanna live feeling like this. No truer words for me, has ever been uttered. But I am better at least of now, this moment in my life. And that is all any of us can ask for....

nancyl

nancyl

 

You can, until you can't anymore

I cared for Dan until I couldn't any more. I visit him,I love him -But man- o- man , this is hard. It is hard because I am his everything . He lights up when i walk into his room. But that responsibility is hard on anyone. It kinda like a toddler who has figured out the daycare routine, and dosent like mom leaving. But that stage passes as the child gets older.   I know this sounds critical of my husband, He is cognitively impaired, as well as hemi paralyzed. He has the worst case of OCD that it borders on ridiculas - I can't spell. lol-- I cry every time I se him, and he is questioning me or talking in aphasia and gesturing asking when he gets to go home, and or when is the next time I take him home . He understands how sick I was , but figures it is time for him to go home. I am better and he see's and decides he should go home or return to our old way. Except the old way almost killed me literally. I let a brain injured man dictate my life. Slowly like the frog in water, i would cave into his request. His needed to control what he could was so compulsive. And I just thought oh well what does it hurt that he wants the blinds all even or the door shut or the bathroom light on , or off, or the steering wheel straight or the speed I would drive or buckeling my seat belt, ( i know i should) he controls the TV the radio in the car, where we would eat. and coke with no ice and what we would eat at a restaurant , and him and i had to share. I like my steak medium while he wants shoe leather done... I could go on and on. But as I write this I realize no wonder I went crazy, I used to be a intelligent independent person, and i was reduced to a humiliating level of service. Oh some call it love, I am now calling it crazy.   Reading what i write makes me sad. For myself and for him. I was the lifeguard and I finally had to kick off the person who was drowning me. I am sad I had to, and have a ton of guilt about it. although in reality if I looked at a friend who was doing what I have done, I would encourage her to knock off the stupidity and take her life back. around town ( rural north dakota) I have been referred to as a "saint". At first flattering and then choking on it know. Standards I can't live up to. Not fair I cry not fair. I want so much more than this. I have a mundane cycle I go to work, visit Dan at lunch hour, visit him after work. then to home I go basically eat a little something than go to bed. At my work I little interaction with people. My boss is great. But the loneliness of my hollow life is overwhelming . Yes I see my daughter , my sister and little Weston man . After I seen Dan. and sometimes I bring him to the house. He gets few visitors as it has been four years since the stroke, and so many seem to think oh is cured now. Really? LOL This is where it would be so wonderful if his family ( siblings and mother) would make the effort to come and see him. But they didn't in the past 4 years so why would that change ? There I am with high expectations .   I seem to be recovering from the depression ,some days are good others are not. When I have days of depression I spin and my ears ring and my thoughts race. And I focus on -the stupid of myself. The guilt is stifling . -- guilt that I know I shouldn't have, but can't in my depressive state let go of it. Intellectually I know but a depressed person just can't let go of anything in that state.... I wonder if I will ever have a guilt free life. I look at my catretaking of dan in the past 4 years at home, and I think why couldn't I have succeeded in my efforts to keep hime home. I just can't see what went wrong... Well as sad as this sounds, and please don't anyone take offense , as Dan and My situation is unique just as every ones is. But I let a severely brain injured man - control everything. Please don't try this at home...

nancyl

nancyl

 

a little bit better...i think..

so I was manic- possible for the last 4 years when dan stroked and mom died and so began the worst year EVER --2011, In investigating - how long was i "out" i get different answers from different people. but a few people swear that i "flipped" 4 years ago. Not obviously- but, bit by bit and day by day. It is odd to think of all i have accomplished while "out"... and i have clear remberences of what i did when i did it. And the slow shift into a manic state happened . the peak of the manic stage was of course this last winter. I remember feeling normal in early October and by end of October I was a different person with different priorities. Then the slow tumble into a pit ( from end of November into January) .. I stayed in that pit for at least the past 7 months although I seem to have found some footholds and am getting closer to climbing out. And I may never escape the pit. But may be able to find comfortable cave inside the side of the pit , hopefully near the top ( lol)... Some days are OK ( sorta) some days ARE NOT OK. and the meds to keep the spin out cause me to eat, eat, eat.... so I am up 20 lbs.. i look fine, but the next 20 up could be a bugger... I am so very thankful to my stroke net friends - the phone calls from a few, the supportive feedback. all of it was so very helpful and appreciated. Now folks we gotta be on the lookout for the " newbie" who thinks they can do it all.. Ummm you can until you can't anymore... and i think my sub conscience already knew and started grieving before i knew I had to give it up - ( by that i mean dan to the nursing home) he is adjusting slowly . How odd it is to think I should have been able to do this ( take care of Dan) but I couldn't , and I usually if goal oriented "get my way" - I do the work to get my way. And this is a whopper to have failed at. And yes i know i didn't fail per say, but in my own heart I did. and so there come the guilt. Even though I KNOW i did my best, I am my own worst enemy. I was asked the other day, what do I fear the most? My answer- ME- I myself have done the worst thing i could ever do. and that is something. I have been around a lot of dangerous people in my law enforcement years. And not one of those people scare me like I scared my self... to learn what you are capable of is truly a scary thing. I know I am not a bad person, and i know all my thinking of having failed at caregiving, child rearing, grandma'ing employee - has scared me - those are all my values and I was and did ( for awhile) dispose of all those characteristics to become some other person who was off by just a few degrees. But those degrees matter, just the littlest degree can be detrimental, and make a person, be not who they are... like twins, the same but different. oh man i am rambling .. Dan is in actuality doing ok.. as good as he can. The blood infection has resolved for now. But I have a feeling ,it now lives in his body hidden ,but will rear its ugly head. We shall see.

nancyl

nancyl

 

dog chasing her tail

As some of you know ( probably everyone who has read my blog ) - After Dans catastrophic stroke 4 years ago, I have done and tried everything in our power and budget... Researched as much as I could get my hands. Prayed, pushed, cried , and tried to" will" my husband all better. It did not work out, at all. Sadly I finally relinquished Dan to the nursing home. And that is not easy( nothing has been for the last 4 years. Almost a year ago I started to go manic- I had no idea, I had entered a manic stage. for the most part no one could tell except family. Even family could not figure it out. But in late November it became obvious to family as I had taken some pills - and wasn't right. I have a girlfriend who is in the medical field. She came and seen me. I was not myself, but didn't need any medical emergency intervention. I wish I had gotten that intervention that night, it would have put me on the looong road to mental wellness. Hindsight 20/20, right? every doctor I seen gave me the same old, you are stressed go home and rest. Really , manic people are always moving and have racing thoughts. I felt like I was on a amusement park ride. Sleep I had no idea what that was.. and self medicating with alcohol is not a good thing, but without it I could not sleep. So then I would go back to the doctors same issues - was completely honest with them. And still nothing - what I needed was a referral to a psychiatrist . But I would get scrip after script for antidepressants I tried them and they made me worse. I just kept spinning and crying. Finally I either had to no longer live. The pain of mental illness is excruciating . For me it was like a 24hr/7 days a week panic attack for 5 months. It wasn't so much I wanted to die - I just didn't want to live anymore. And all the people in my world made no difference. It is weird looking back, I seriously had "nothing" of value that tied me to this world. The whole, think of the kids,and lots of people care about you was not the deterrent we all assume it is. Finally it was either I die or go to a mental hospital. So I chose the mental hospital in a last ditch effort. Glad I did. I finally found a doctor who knew what was wrong. And the correct med to help remedy it. I now take amytriptiline to help slow the spin. but I also needed sleep . And every drug in the book did not help me. So we moved to the class of drugs of antipsychotics. Yes that got me to sleep. Hooray ! I had dreams again. I hadn't had any dreams for at least a year. Probably more. It has been 12 weeks of medications get me to the point I am at right now. I still can fade out of reality, I get a detached feeling from this world. Like a third person. That particular symptom has plagued me for a long time. So it will take a long time leaving. It is better - way better. I don't have the constant panic attack, but still do get them. The meds will continue to help me, along with counseling.Oddly we took dan off lamictal and now i take it. lamictal and lithium are about the only drugs - " out there" that can help stabilize moods. Moods - the root of depression. certainly as time goes on I can see that it really is mood . So when racing or dark thought of utter despair come knocking - I have to try and grasp a new thought -quickly-. And that is not easy, because a dark thought also brings the anxiety. I am like a go chasing my tail. A lot of my issue is worry about Dan. Have I done right by him.... Yes I have. More than most but not as much as some. And I am so self critical that I am literally a "bully to myself". everything I do I criticize. I cry at the nursing home daily - for Dan, for his loss of his - well- everything . This was a man, who if there was a hell designed specifically for him he is "in it". Loss of mobility, having to have " cares done" being dependent on others, for every thing and then not have the "voice" to even tell people what he wants. So the good staff will pay charades of what is he wants. and the staff who are lesser will be a bit passive aggressive with him. and or just walk out. Correcting staff is like sending the steak back at a restaurant . The problem will do that one extra thing to *beep* dan off. Now Dan is not raging at them. But he is very OCD. and just can't stand certain things. Mostly because he has no control in his world, so he controls the few things he can. And Dans OCD is agonising - FOR EVERYONE.. Dan is getting as good of care as a nursing home can provide. But I have learned to lower my standards. by a LOT. I had to lower my standarrds or I couldn't see him.   I am working - thank goodness. My poor boss. Liked me enough that he has been waiting for the return of "nancy" well nancy is back, but she is still the dog licking her wounds.   The big house sold in 8 days - I had 2 offers- I chose the family with kids.. the remodeling of the new house is taking forever.... But hurrying a contractor is like - sending that steak back.   So for now my sister and I live in my daughters basement- good thing it is a nice basement..lol   My sister moved here from CO to be here for me. She picks up the slack, sees dan if I can't. plays grandma- although Weston is not being for good about it.. He has become attached to mom and dad. Cause this grandma ( me) lost her mind a year ago or so. and I lost the special connection I had with him.   So that is my life in a nutshell ( pun intended). I will continue with my medication and therapy. And although I wish I could kept caring for Dan at home - I can't. And to be honest, I don't want to anymore. The price that was paid was to great. The nursing home is where he needs to be... sad but true and of course he still goes for outings - of which instead of the old tantrums while out, he actually appreciates. He has been very appreciative. Which makes me feel guilty. And so the dog chases her tail... Some day - I might catch it...lol.

nancyl

nancyl

 

What he heck was that ?

So I had a seizure on the 4th of July…it was complex partial. Scarey as you know what. It started by feeling light headed then it made me twitch like every where i would look it would "flash". I was trying to lay my head down on the counter close my eyes. But the twitching wouldn't let me…. I did manage to say to my sister I think i am having a seizure. then my head shot back and i couldn't breathe for just a moment - emily was hollering for a friend to help her . They unplugged the neon light above me ( it wasn't really in my field of vision ) but then i came out of it and said I am OK. Relief on everyones face. Embarrassment for me. Then I got super tired so my sister went and got the car and I went to my other sisters house ( we were in our hometown for 4th of july - school reunion.) and laid down. a few hours later I went back to the scene of the crime ( lol)… So i come away with - was it to hot ? - it very warm and humid.. Was it part of the meds I take nortriptinline, lamictal, serequel, and kolonopin and setraline ?? not of them in particularly high doses… and then again it can be the depression? There was a neon light hanging above me flashing but it wasn't in my line of vision? was I just over stimulated? Heck I don't know and I imagine I never will. I guess I got a bit of ECT therapy -- which i have read a bit on with my depression and all. Either way , it is what it is. I did not take dan out - it was way to hot, so sadly he spent the 4th in the nursing home…mostly alone although the kids did visit him….. that like everything is nothing I can do about unless I sacrifice my day.. But i am getting to be a bit selfish, and had to choose.. I am learning to start to choose me. I think I have no choice - if i continue to choose dan , most assuredly I won't be long for this world. well Dan is actually doing OK at the home… As my daughter says we don't have to take all the days - we can just take the good ones.. and now when dan leaves with us he happy to go do what ever.. still I feel bad. but it is what it is…. and if i coulda changed it , it would be changed….nancyl

nancyl

nancyl

 

it just never ends

Dan is sick - I came into the nursing home room and found shivering . I got out the quilt and covered him up , the we snuggled for a bit. But he was really shivering. so I told the nurse. But the scary part our youngest Beth has the chicken pox- and she was with dan at her most contagious. Right before the breakout. We have no idea how she got exposed and she was vaccinated for it. So now shingles for Dan could be in" the cards of life". One more crappy deal… Dan and I for that matter are both going to be at risk because our immune systems are impaired… I had shingles as a 5th grader, but that offers no protection probably makes me more vulnerable. Both Dan and I have had the chicken pox so shingles could be a very real possibility. It is what it is I guess. I think Dan actually had the shingles vaccine. But in our family - if it is improbable - then that is going to be what happens. If anyone wonders how or why I got so depressed well - this little slice of life, is the answer - It just never ends...

nancyl

nancyl

 

OMG - I am gonna live.. warning a bit graphic

Finally , finally - it has taken 8 weeks of medication but I can officially say I do feel human again… The past year is a complete blur, I can recall specifics but the snap shot of the last year is gone. Heck it seems to have taken the last 4 years with it. So severe depression has proven to be the most awful thing. I would rather have gone through labor and delivery of a child daily than live out a depressed day… Depression - what a painful and awful thing. It does have a bit of beauty in that after the suffering is done you are left with appreciation. I don't believe I will ever take care of Dan at home again. The very thought of it scares me. Unfortunatley for both He and I ….. I would have gladly spent my life with him- and I still will just differently. But will not risk my mental health ever again. It is so nice to just "BE OK " and actually mean it . Yesterday was my grandsons birthday. nothing to big - just a go out for supper kind of thing. in 2 sundays we will have a party for him ( working around farmers schedules ). I have sold the house ( the big one) . and the little house I will be moving to should be completed by the end of July. So I sit in my daughters basement..LOL it is a pretty nice basement. Having the sister from CO - who came to be with me because of the depression ( although we had planned to have her come to help with Dan - but first she had to see her last kid off to college). But then we needed her ASAP because of me and my issues. She has done a good job of "talking me down" and helping me to push through the moods and depression. I journaled through some of the depression. I can not read that , the thoughts are way to dark during the depression. But now I want to thank each of you who has contacted me either via stroke net or Facebook ( i got rid of Facebook didn't need bystanders watching me crash and burn in case I would be dumb enough to write something stupid. And a few phone calls. Checking on me. I appreciate each and everyone of you guys who made the extra effort. It mattered more than you will ever know. I know it will take a long time more to "solidify" in terms of the depression. but it has been about 8 months since I could say my days are more normal than not… Dark thoughts just pushed their way into my brain. I am reasonable strong person - but wow- I had no idea about what depression can do. I have that answer ------Depression Can Do ANYTHING in terms of symptoms… and I do mean anything to any part of your body or mind. And I certainly could "see" from my up close vantage point how suicide becomes a option ( not a good one) but the simple anguish that one has - you just want OUT… OUT..OUT of your own body. And I was always of the opinion suicide was selfish, - think of family and friends and the destruction it leaves behind.. BUT when you are in that much pain it doesn't matter , family , friends anything that one would think are barriers are not enough reason to "stay". It seems for me to have been - weirder reasons. One was, If i killed myself in AZ it would be a lot of procedures to get my body back to ND. And i pictured my oldest (April) having to deal with that . Not the loss of me- but the fact - that the loss of me would create "paperwork". Once I was back in ND- nothing was holding me back and I was fixated-- but also knew - I did not WANT to die - I just could not fathom living any length of time like I was. So this was some dark reading for a few of us - but maybe a lifeline to others . I did put the disclaimer to warn of the darkness I would be writing about… It is what it is-- the good the bad and the ugly.

nancyl

nancyl

 

Nuances

people who have followed my blog know a bit about my depression. and so I am happy to say I managed to do the drive and got my sister. But through out the drive my ears rang. I am so happy to have her. It really is a pity that I had the need for family in a way that i can not describe. as we drove i would have the temporary moments where I felt "normal". then the reminder of the ears ringing would start up - reminding me there is something wrong with me. So it seems the answer to peoples question hi how are you… makes me pause and the only answer i am able to give is surviving . And wishing I could just say the word "good".But something about this depression makes me so brutally honest… It has a term for it - called…. uninhibited reply…. essentially this means i have a lot of trouble replying or even commentary from me is honest. Honesty when inappropriate is brutal. mostly for me - in terms I wouldn't just say to you I hate your new haircut. But if you said to me i like your haircut - i would go on in conversation and (if I wasn't happy with the haircut) about why I don't care for it…. It is just nuance in difference. But that in essence is part of my depression. a nuance of thoughts and I totally shift in mood. It is weird . and yet each persons depression is so different. I read somewhere that a depression can really only be described by a metaphor . And that is so true. Also makes a person hard to diagnose. I mean when my head spins as I describe - could also be a numbness to another.   I read my blog from last entry and that started me crying.Usually , Each day in the morning I feel confident I am improving. But as the day moves on I get the spun feeling, a feeling of tiredness , or numbness and it builds in me. until we get to the late afternoon or evening hours then I improve again - usually….. the nuances of life are also lessons of life….   I mean I have so much sadness in the past four years that when i didn't necessary feel every thing at the time it was happening. So now I am getting everything lumped up all at once and force fed to me… The emotions I swallowed for years are now front and center. I am crying again as i write this blog. With a bit of relief to cry as I have found I usually feel a bit better when I do. My grief and depression are certainly co- mingled … I don't know where one begins or one ends. Like I said I do seem to be getting better I usually get a few early morning hours and a few in the evening of "normal" feeling. And I could not claim that before, so there is improvement but again it is just a nuance.

nancyl

nancyl

 

Tough love and tough stuff

Dan has done well at the nursing home… but the other shoe had to drop. I was greeted by tears yesterday." I just want to go home, please go home." It was heart wrenching… It is all I can do to just not take him home. I love him, and oh my gosh i care for him. But I held strong and said i can't honey - i can't my brain is broken- It is to much for me to do. he cried we both cried. I left a very upset man to return to work ( i go there for my lunch hour). But as i promised i returned when I got off of work. he said lets go - ( many times this is the outing for the day)-- so we got him ready and we went to our daughters. he played so nice with weston. and we watch a movie together ( odd i can't even remember what it was). And then it was time to go, Dan gave me the sorrowful look that just breaks my heart. He got up and we returned to the nursing home. He was sullen, but understood. On friday I take off to CO to get my sister.. pretty sure i can drive it in a day. It will be nice to have someone to split duties with. another person helping out with dan eases my load. and for some reason he has always let her help him. She really is family, or Dan would protest. My depression continues it's "game" with me. ears ringing,intrusive thoughts. Working is really a gift. I think a med adjustment might be called for. I see the script nurse on thursday, will see what her thoughts are.I don't have the "drunk feeling" any more - mostly it is the head underwater feeling… I really am a broken person, but there is the small gift of appreciating the "good" moments. Still I would give every thing I own just to have the old days back…. not a option - and i keep coming back to it - intrusive thought- . So will continue my journey of depression… nancyl

nancyl

nancyl

 

managing

Dan is doing OK at the nursing home. Of course it is not a ideal situation. But it is a necessary one. He is a lot of work. and at the home he has multiple people to pick on. He doesn't mean to be so difficult , but he is, everything has to be "just so". I am continuing to progress in my recovery from the depression. It is odd to have " issues" - the last 6 months are kinda a blur. I certainly have complete recall, but not a snapshot. If that makes any sense at all. Depression is a odd thing it affects each person in such a individual way that identifying it is difficult. it is things like i got water in my ear while showering . so i had that clogged feeling most of the day. It became kinda mind game in that - my depression can give me random symptoms like that, or is it just water in the ear? It was water in the ear, but to have to double think everything - even simple things is kinda scary . But as time is going i am seeing less random issues, and am getting better. And I thank God for that. expression reminded me of what a gift it is just to have a sound mind. It was no fun being hyper vigilant all the time. that is a awesome thing to have when it is needed in a emergency, but 24/7 . no that was no fun at all. the meds seem to be getting the cortisol in check so each day i notice less "jolted". and my depression is not the first thing i think of everyday- it is the second i keep my pills next to my bed where I have no possibility of forgetting them. Learning - relearning to take care of me, put myself first is much harder that one would think. I married young had children young, worked hard, made sure bills got paid, put food on the table, took care of Dan ( by far the hardest thing i have ever done). So the ME that needs to be taken care of is a very new thing for me. My kids are supportive, they have missed "this Nancy" the engaged Nancy who isn't to self absorbed with the depression. The mom you can talk to, and give some advice. But 4 years of care taking for Dan - who has been so difficult has taken a large toll on me. I guess one can say I really crashed and burned. But I can walk away from the "wreck ( my breakdown)" knowing I did absolutely humanly possible. And the care of Dan is beyond my scope of abilities, to the level that his needs demand. But please people who are care taking , it is a big job and a "breakdown" really sneaks up on you. One of the funnier things that I do see is…. I look back and I think my care taking for Dan "should have worked"- I just don't see where my plan went wrong. I can see it obviously can't be done, so I won't try again but I just can't see the "flaw" ( where it went wrong) in my taking care of Dan. Isn't that just the darndest thing. ( it is to me). And I know I am way to close to the situation- and others can see the obvious, but me, I can't… All I can do is shrug my shoulders and take a deep breath. And know I gave it my ALL..

nancyl

nancyl

 

holding my own

as the title says… I am holding my own, I have not felt "detached" for 2 days…. what a gift… I still feel like i am underwater, but attached to mankind. I know the metaphor is hdd to grasp , but for me it is the description i can give… my eyes and ears still are not right and i still have the jolted feeling ( like I had just touched an electric fence)… but after all the stuff depression has thrown at me, I am still standing. Thank God for medications -- without them i would no longer be here.. life was becoming to hard. But now I feel pretty good… and since I have been numb more or less to pain for the last several months - I am enjoying my back ache.. lol… and my feet hurt to… pain means you are alive… and I had none for so long, that was part of my particular depression numb physically and emotionally. And get this . lol --- My "executive faculties " were greatly affected… ummm - specifically " response inhibition " . Basically you get the truth from me - no filter.. ( verbally) - that is improving as well, but geez never knew there was such a thing… now i do , ………… Depression it is really a fatal disease no matter how one obtains the affliction… mine , as most of you know - i just marched right into it full speed ahead. I had no idea I couldn't do it all…. I could have with a different Dan , but this stroke Dan was a real handful… and it breaks my heart leave him every night at the home, it is how it has to be..well ( SIGH) i am tired fighting with your own brain all day is very tiring… Nancyl

nancyl

nancyl

 

Hello - again

Hi everyone….. It has taken me a long time to feel well enough to blog… I have had a "bout of mental illness " turns out i was depressed. None of the usual symptoms so became harder to diagnose… my illness is / was "situational " a direct link to the year 2011 -- when my whole world hit the fan, and some of my world splattered itself clean into the year late 2014 and 2015…… I have what is called melancholic depression - that was "fueled" by cortisol. most antidepressants today are designed to stimulate cortisol . But my body was making a excess amount of it. So the antidepressants of today , just made it worse. ( picture your self in flight or fight all the time ) that is how I felt. Every minute everyday for 6 months. The fight or flight got set off because Dans situations ( the tantrums, the not eating - drinking, refusal to take meds, and the seizures) my body got so used to me being in flight or fight it became the "natural state " of my body. So finally -- after umpteen doctors and attempts at ANYTHING to feel better. I had decided dying was better than living. But I gave it one last shot at survival. My daughter and I had me committed to our local " state hospital " - Mental hospital……. I was a conundrum for most there but one little Psychiatrist ( she was tiny ) figured it out.. and man it has been 3 weeks on a very old med ( amitrptyline ) and i feel so much better. I also take some meds to help me sleep - I was also suffering from parasomnia - ( i wasn't reaching REM sleep ) It took 5 nights of different combos of meds to get me to fall and say asleep… Dan has unfortunately been placed in a nursing home. He is OK, there- ironically Dans meds had been changed back in November helping out his depression.. so he swam out of depression , just as i went swimming in…. I have done a lot of crazy stuff in my depressed state ( nothing to embarrassing , by definatley "out of character " for me…….So what i have learned , depression really can be lethal. and no depression presents the same. And even medical doctors can miss the diagnoses and the seriousness of a situation… I went to so many docs, and the ER - 3 times in the last 6 months. literally begging for help. And was given a bag of IV fluid and sent home and told to relax, it was just "STRESS". Well folks - I had stress alright - stress on steroids, ( literally -since cortisol is a steroid our bodies make ).I have no idea what the future holds for myself or Dan… I am selling by "dream home"- 5 bedrooms for just me is ridiculous… and the market is good here so it will all work out….. I am having a smaller house remodeled for me. Dan will come and stay on occasion, but not for a while he needs to get acclimated to the nursing home. It sucks and none of it is "fair" but as I said the year 2011- hit the fan so hard- it splattered into - TODAY- … But all of us either dealing with or suffering from stroke , have had their lives splattered into the present day….. So I am feeling a lot better ( at least I am human again) I thank all of you for the personal messages,… I apologize for not responding, I was just to wrapped up in the anguish of the depression… I will add more later…. but Hello everyone - nice to be able to blog something a whole lot better than past blogs….( it is what it is )

nancyl

nancyl

 

trying to glue shattered glass, while blind

so the lexapro finally has the anxiety under control …… so i don't sit and just tingle and be hypervigilent all day… I went to the doc the other day who just gave me the most genuine smile and a sigh. H e said I wasn't sure I would see you again. Apparently many people who enter the blackness I did just never come out of it or commit suicide… I guess I have been suffering from the true black depression , not the blues but the kind that actually alters your reality..mine did… my body felt literally no pIN EVER FROM ANY THING - WHILE MOST DEPRESSED PEOPLE feel aches and terrible pain, my brain said hey lets just just her sensations off… some gets theirs turned on overload mine got shut off…. I guess if the brain can do it one way it can do it the other……. In the deepest part i understood suicide - i never once though of it as a choice for me , but i understood why it is done…. the pain of the blackness and feeling so alone is overwhelming… even when someone is ruth there next to you. In the end it comes down to your deepest thoughts of life… I bear no judgement for a person who would choose to take their own life - after sitting in the pit of hell myself- …… I would have been absolutely painless any method used would not have mattered one bit - it just wouldn't have hurt…. all a person wants is the pain of being alive and being responsible for so much, and the loneliness to end……… Any how that is my description of "where" I have been….. finally through a diligent friend wendy and my boss - I managed to get the medication i needed - stop the anxiety and at least then you can deal with life a little bit…. I also had another friend eliza who literally makes me go out with her… seems wrong, but it is not ---- i clearly see where agoraphobia ( fear of leaving home) could come knocking … so we go out to a safe place and meet people who know i am struggling .. with my life….. I have managed to finally ire a lady who does her actual job… she has been getting dan to eat…. and her and a bath lady shower him twice a week….. I am also extremely deficient in vitamin d ( 18) -- should be 30 to 100) so although i do take a supplement i might be a person who needs the sun-- so now i am tanning.. another thing eliza drags me to… I also managed a pretty magnificent thing while being so wrecked…. I me a band in Las Vegas ( ashley Red) -- good clean decent guys…… made connections for them to come to ND and play ---- this began months ago but cumulated in the middle of the depression …. so, i had to put on my smiling face ( and i was happy / but depression isn't like that--happy does not equal not depressed) and play hostess… again had awesome friends who helped pull this off.. they were well received and they are coming back in mid march and again in late june…... so no we move on to depression what is ? I sure don't know but it isn't what I thought it was… it is like it attacks the most vulnerable part of you.. i like my sharpness, my wits… we'll depression dulled them a LOT….. i can't see things right in front of me…. i know over things constant and yet test my eyes they are perfect…. the physical part of the tingling all over - wow… that was nuts…. I felt drunk all the time… really -- really …..That is depression to me… and the abject loneliness…. and i would have old memories resurface i kinda thought the memories where a few months old , but on close in section they where 4 years old ( stroke hit 4 years ago ) wow - my girlfriend said you are remembering now and taking the time to "feel" them…. you had no time to feel anything life was moving so fast for so long your brain could just store it…. but at some point now - the brain burnt up got to tired and just has to get it out of their and make me deal with life….. so I am mourning a lll i have lost, mom, lost relationships ( the 14 yr old is now 18) new children ( babies to have grown) -- loss of a pretty decent paying job that i knew well and all the friendships i had there…. Loss of at least one brother whom i have never heard from after moms funeral ….the farm, it is hard to believe it is gone…… my freedom - i must make aggangement before i do anything leaving the house,,,,, my friendships as they were ( my scott, my shane, my frank, my andy) all have moved on and so they should but that is where they where when i left them 4 years ago… somehow in our brains infinite wisdom - it starting shrouding my brain from pain the moment i heard the words your husband is not gonna make it….. i hit the floor and some angels must haver covered me up… oh i cried , i felt. i lost dan then i just didn't know i lost him…… he is a different person… less than a hand full of things exist that make him who he is at his core…… I know I have decisions to make and i will. but first i must reagin my own health and at least now that i have good help the rush isn't on any more….. So i sit on the floor going through the bass pieces of who i was - and every now and then i find a piece i remember and i smile and i try really hard to make that piece fit…. the ones that won't fit anyone will just need to blown away with the wind…...

nancyl

nancyl

 

still struggling

I still have no idea what is wrong with my "head" .. I guess if is a combination of both the grief, and depression and some ptsd or something… lexapro seems to help a bit with all the anxiety but it doesn't help me connect with my body… this discombobulation is awful … all i can do is what i have been doing -- hanging on barely… hoping for the day i feel a bit more like "me"… and not a person watching a show about me.. nancyl

nancyl

nancyl

 

Lots and lots of thinking...

AAAHHHHHGGGHHHHAAA - ( sigh) the sound of my heartbeat goes on, but make no doubt my hear tis broken---- I am trying so hard to cope with all of this… But for some reason I just can't do it… I went to talk to the priest ( dans ) - i am not catholic- but for all intents and purposes i guess i am 30 years of going to church should qualify me for something… I THINK - and bear with me I am a work in progress…. that I am gonna go ahead and place Dan in the nursing home… He now hold that as a trump card like a trophy ,, He gets mad and attempts to get up and say - home then…. And I am just way to "broken" to play the game anymore… Make no misunderstanding I am well aware this is no game - But it appears to be a sick game to dan…. I cry - and he just looks at me with contempt or humor of some sort… Sometimes he feels bad, other tine pure contempt … I never know is gonna be the guy who wakes up… But I am not strong enough to carry -on…. I am broken… I am disorientated by life. I miss my mom, I miss my family ( the way it was) , I miss my husband - the way he was, I miss my self -- the way I was…. I would give anything to reset the clock to 2011 ( beginning of the year) and make sure the docs read and read and read and read again the scan clear showing Dans stroke -- and would not let them release him- I would not trust them to help us . … I would have made them see - what was there - and have it tread not send him home with a headache diagnosis….. NONONONONONO……….. That night wrecked my world - wrecked Dans world -wrecked my families world, Killed my mom, took away my grandchildren in terms of who is this crazy guy called grandpa, the one that will whack us with a cane if he gets a mind to do so… Who is the crazy lady always preoccupied with grandpa and about a million things? ( the one who cries al the time). took away my job, the only thing i could do to earn a decent paycheck to support my self… took away my kids innocence - I mean at age 14 Bethany had to wipe her dads butt after every BM…. Who are we who am I - where is Dan…. where is my mom….. where is God ---- ??? no answers why, cause there are no answers, just heartbreak and more heartbreak … I am working on figuring all this out -------- a survival plan - I guess I will need to sell my house… obvious since I won't be able to make payments on it…. and It is so big and lonely since Dan has "chased" virtually everyone away… It is like a black cloud in this house --- beautiful home with absolutely "nothing" of value inside --- just broken , hollow lives …… then my plan is to remodel the rental home across the street which is a lot smaller --- for myself…. Renting would be a option but here in ND right now with all the growth going on---- so rent would and will fluctuate a lot… in order to survive this I am gonna need to figure this out - a mistake can be devastating…. mostly to me… Dan, will be OK no matter what - I will make sure he is OK… for me, the soon to be 47 yr old nursing home widow -- I am just not so sure - I think my forecast is pretty cloudy with a whole lot of tears and heartbreak in store…. I managed to caretake for almost 4 years - but it is breaking me… my heart, and my soul……and now I am wrecked……. Pouring it out there - I just can't keep it bottled any longer and most of my friends have went away -- and the ones who haven't are probably about as sick of me as they can possible be …. geez - why couldn't I have just cried and mourned and wrecked myself 4 years ago - why now --- delayed grief and complicated grief response i the term for it --- OMG - I have never been the "fruity candy " and now that is me the assortment of fruit and nuts…lol -----

nancyl

nancyl

 

LOST

I am so totally lost - dazed, confused, but mostly fried…. or mentally ill…. I have no idea and neither do the docs… so yes for sure my adrenal glands are in over drive… but docs disagree on what if anything to do… my kidneys have a a cyst ( not to uncommon) but requires more evaluation…. I feel as if I can't breathe, but i can…. My heart feels like it s breaking all the time… My memory is shot …… BURNT - is probably the right word… I think of a drug addict and the way they act, and that is how i act… I speak with slurred, slow speech …. I get fixated on smaller issues and have a difficult time focusing on anything… Everything feels wrong to me, like I am in a forgien land and have no idea how I got here… I miss my family - who is here, I miss my house - which i am living in……. I cry now constantly in stark opposite of the past almost 4 years- i cried very few tears…. I am in mourning for my mom, my life , my husband…. but it is so much deeper than that… Dan has been placed on a nursing home list … we are both OK with it ( has to be at this juncture) but no openings as of yet…. I can't wait and yet I can… I can not seem to make any decisions… I feel so very lost -in my ind in my heart and in my soul…. the things of the past I thought I knew- I am learning--- i knew nothing. Somehow I will need to find a job that offers me some financial advantages, my income has mostly be reliant on care taking for Dan… But learning that NOW - the best care or Dan is to be had at a Home, and not from me is a hard pill to swallow… Although I am in full agreement with it.. I understand and I know it to be true… Maybe not forever but certainley while I am ill my self….. The place he goes he has been before, the home is a good one… but the reality that I failed is hard…. and yes I know people I am judging myself cruelly. I do not feel that way of anyone else… Why do i reserve that for others?? The kindness the understanding is for others, for myself I seem unable to get beyond….. I can barley see - everything is so dim…. My B/P is like 92/68 at any given time and while i have always had low blood pressure it is like my heart is just not strong enough to beat - nor does it want to… my pulse is around mid 60's and the docs are "elated" -- they don't seem to understand it is just gonna quit one day…. I feel dizzy but not in a nauseated way, in a drunk way.. If i could be content with this perpetual feeling of "drunk" then this wouldn't be a bad thing. But I do not like being slow and dumb and forgetful. If anyone has any idea what is wrong with me please - please let me know...

nancyl

nancyl

 

I owe a blog - not just to everyone here- but to myself

I have been petty diligent about blogging until the last few months - life has taken a turn for me… I feel like I am living in a surreal world, - we know I don not have a brain tumor ( MRI done) - we know my blood work is messed up my liver enzymes are up and my kidney function is down… we know my thyroid is "normal". although I have many symptoms of a thyroid storm… I had a ultrasound of my liver done and i am set to have a ct scan of the liver when i get home. I and Dan are in AZ right now - with April, wade and weston… hoping the sun will help and it is… Dan is better, but I for lack of better words have "wrecked myself" - yes many of you have seen this coming… apparently stress is a powerful thing... I have drank way to much - the sadness has consumed me. and now i am not really capable for a little while to care for dan in a effective fashion…. so we are looking at potential nursing home placement… Dan is a handful, April watched him for one day in AZ and it exhausted her… her and her hubby have no idea how i have been doing it.., Dan demands so much and is so particular and even mean - yes mean… his favorite is to mock anything i am doing, eating dressing, putting on makeup - like a 2 yr old he has found a area that hurts.. and he pokes the bear…. a lot…… and somewhere down the line i have fallen into a pit of dispair and can't let a leg up. so placement ( hopefully temporary) will maybe help with that . I need a soulful rest. The kind you can't get when hit on the head with a urinal to wake up.. or like last night dan had a BM in bed waking me at 1 am ( arghh - i was actually asleep) …. On the subject of sleep- i don't get much 4 hours at one time maybe… I am doctoring with a homeopathic doc down here- actually 2 . both say stress - stress and more stress…. along with my councilor - yes people i finally had to see on of those…. I am a blubbering mess… i can't see, i feel like I am in a bubble …. I can have a conversation and 5 mins later it is like the conversation was a year ago.. I am breathless, with heart palpitations, i am in hyper vigilant mode all the time as one of the docs said… I am gonna post this before i lose it cause that is the way things go for me...

nancyl

nancyl

 

Trying to move on

I haven't posted in a long time. I just can't hardly do the sadness anymore… Strokes like Dans are so all encompassing that it is for the most part all i have been living and breathing. And I think I have suffocated myself with it… so i have been going out more, doing more and unspoiling the baby as my girlfriend says… Dan has been getting his meds adjusted.. who new set of meds so he has been tired and despondent. I have no idea whether or not to expect light at the end of the latest medication trial … But I am trying to detach a bit emotionally, its is just to much and it is killing me… There is tons to write about and nothing to write write about all at the same time … In the end none of it changes anything.. It is what it is -- it none of it is very good... I just thought I would "pop" in and say hello - we are still alive, no major catastrophes but nothing worth "writing home about either"…. Nancyl

nancyl

nancyl

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