Stop telling me to live in the moment. Some moments are painfully unbearable and only tolerable because I can remember a past memory that brings a smile as I relive it. Or project me into the future away from now. That vacation spot that is put off but would be as perfect if real.
I need to look ahead to a nice luncheon out in the real world. I want to sit on the fringe looking at my old familiar and visiting for a while. Shopping walking in a mall talking in restaurant sightseeing. I am more than a normal tourist. Tourist in my usual world. I love to talk. Even with my delayed speech I talk with everyone. Sometimes I cannot find words to say my thought and when someone gets it I smile and appreciate communication. They tell me it used to be more pronounced but it never stops me from talking in a dissertation group or in a grocery line. I guess it is nice I always was told by my mother that I talk like Dory from finding Nemo. I know now it is too much to finish and I mourn as licenses expire. My friends and family say fight for recovery and go play enjoy,go out live. Early retirement my son said.
I want to spend quality time without distraction.to know and love my children.
And then there was the cup that said stop telling me to be calm...because of all the merchandise that stay calm (fill in the blank). Oh it is probably always best to stay calm but there are times that ruffled feathers have brought about good changes. But usually as anger rises then judgement and thinking goes down. But it is Better being calm except when it is not.
Today I sit on the patio outside. I asked.I was told the charge nurse had to be told because who would be responsible.
Then I was outside.
Funny how my moody blew free in the breeze and my heart warmed in sunlight.
Problem Thoughts stuck on the screen door insisting to be revived by anxiety but my feet tingled with the memory of waltzing through uncut grass.
What has come over me that even the reflection in the glass seemed straighter thinner taller and smiling.no.grinning.
Outside looking up towards blue going up til space makes me dizzy.
Outside I am alone except for the birds I hear all around me and faeries on the ivy.
Outside smells earthy clean. Soft light envelopes me in a misty shadow or is that my vision problems.
Time moves faster outside.
Time for lunch
My mother always said jealousy is a disease. I always thought it an odd saying.
I moved into a lovely room with my friend from bingo In January. We were close through quarantine for a month when Norovirus hit. We stayed well too. But over time a more hideous disease struck. Roomie was jealous over every thing. Every person. When I started doing art with others because she was not interested, she was jealous. She demanded supplies she never used from activity director. Director stopped buying because she produced Nada. She tantrumed too. She wanted attention and interrupted when I got treatments for nails or from cna. She wanted what I had. I shared but there is a limit. When I did not buy it or lend it, she told everyone I had it so a cna would ask me. Like I had to be nice? My activity director understood from her experience with us and she told me to keep boundaries. But I felt I had to keep her happy or she would not want me as roommate. And this proved true. I spent time out of my room and in a friends. I played cards with men. I quit typing up her dead sisters poems. I invited others to bingo. Some cnas were more attentive to me. Basically I was not controlled or isolated with just her. So she went crazy with passive aggressiveness. That list is long. I ignored it but sometimes did it back. When I spoke up she cursed loudly.people came running.
This last time she demanded they get me out of her room. I said let her leave if she is unhappy because now this is my room too. Oh one detail is that I arranged the room to carve out a spot for myself next to my bed instead of by her bed. So I had to do stuff for her. I can say put on your light To call a cnc to help you now. I am free. I had independence. I decorated the room. My collages I made. Brought in stuff. I am not a visitor. I have a space.
But the councelor came in and said she had been in the room longer so I will be moved. No mediation attempt. No getting facts how she uses the room to manipulate. Director came in and agreed with councelor. I will be moved as soon as a bed opens.I was called out of room down hall walking in pain to their conference room.
Then the worst happened. I was overcome and cried. Oh this stroke!But I needed to talk and I saw disdain not compasion. I said my piece to the executive director. Then she went to talk to looneyroomey. I saw that admin was not mediating and wanted me to go to asisted living. Well I have not found a fit. When I went back to my room they told me I would be put in a new room as soon as one became available.
Once again I face no security no stability.
I immediately called the ombudsman. She arrived the next day. In private she gave me the laws. usually unhappy roommate is moved By her consent. Patients are moved only with consent.unless some reasons. Ombudsman spoke to the counselor. I can go to a hearing to appeal a move.
good to know.
So then it was weekend. I stayed in the room with roomie and did not visit my friend. Roomie is nice polite.I am same. So there will not be a problem utill she taunts or trigggers me by the things she does. But I have tried to avoid trouble. I stayed up to 3am every time she went to dialysis so I will not have her gettin redy to go wake me. She said get up t 3am instead. When I did, she never went to bed and made noise eating,shuffling through bags,chomping ice.
So she sleeps for hours there and sleeps when she returns. My nurse sees me exhausted and says change rooms.
So maybe roomie has a good way to get a private room. Why can not she get dialysis later or night.
So now she is driving me out. I ignore the bad. I coddle and coo. I used my space and time awake to create another collage poster.I bugged her to call dentist insisting. She finally did and now has an appointment. She thanked me. She told the counselor that in the morning I would be sweet as pie. She calls it when I complain call her out that I have mood swings. Well I label her a pathological liar even though some are ego defense mechanisms. I am tired of being played and she is tired of being caught.
Well I made sure neighbor friend got her hair cut and manicure. She has memory thing so she forgets it is free here. So when they ask if she wants it she says no. So I butt in and blurt that it is free knowing she would ask them and then go. She is thrilled. But soon forgets it was free.
Anyway so far no one bothers me but I wish I could forget there is never a guarantee except that there will be change. It is especially painful when a friend changes or that when a feeling That what I believe to be true is reliable in fact changes. Imagine at my age I am surprised caught off guard feeling betrayed again.
Ok so the weird thing is that I had been discussing the issue of roomie with the activities director. She said she really understood and that we should be discreet so not upset her. She never uses the felt pen set I gave her but says she will soon. But she never has or does or will. In fact if she was she would discover some are so weak that I nearly disposed of them. Anyway I totally confided in activities director All the Roomy story and she was opposite of counselor.
In fact the reason I was out of our room that morning was to meet with activities director as planned and not next Door with friend as Roomy thought. Activities Director had asked me to request anything for our independent activities. So I showed her some online stuff. Then she said order more and the best quality. My friend loved her coloring book given to her. So I suggested getting her another by that author. There are 3 by that author so she ordered the other 2. Then she ordered me 2 I chose. She said she got more for us because we used them. I completed one and friend almost did. She said Roomy was not invested since she had done only done 1 page as she showed me wanting praise of course.
So that morning It felt like Christmas. Plus I was appreciated for starting independent activities and the activities director wants a picture of my friend and I and another woman who orders her own stuff. She did not include Roomie.
I will be discreet. I still ask Roomie to do stuff. Later endures.
I order for friend who is amazed cell phones exist and forgets 2 minutes later. But her long term memory is fine and at 86 she is full of stories and spirit.
Some days I wish to go away from this chaos but I have not seen something comparable out. there yet that I can go here. AND I was told I can stay before.
So now I am in the room things are fine. I ignore remarks about my in house stalker who stares in my door or gets next to me and says mean stuff. I report him but they pay no attention. When I stand up to him hr backs off but comes back.When I ignore all he just escalates. But for now I hope forever ignoring will extinguish this behavior but I now sit in room by my bed so he does not see me in the room.
Well to tell the truth this is my home. I want to work out problems.
I long for independent living. Privacy. Alone time. But on the other hand I appreciate the cna who brings me tea and helps me get to restroom when I am dizzy. And the nurse who checks I got into bed and I am not dangling over a chair.And having companionship and some to love.
I ran into my former physical therapist from a year or so ago.She commented on progress she saw,and I told her she was an important person in my life of recovery because she talked about things I was experiencing, believed me,assured me I was not crazy. She encouraged me to walk. I confided in her about my experiences in the nursing home. I told her I now had a patio so I could see the sun and a roommate who did not have the problems the other one did. She noticed I smiled and enjoyed the moment. I explained how she had helped and that she holds a meaningful place in my life,in my recovery. I was happy she saw improvements she said small but a good sign no guarantees but going in the right direction. She listened to me talk about radiotherapy ablation.No she never worked with a participant in that. So I am New. As we talked I felt overcome with melancholy that my time in session will conclude shortly. Not that I am cured, as good as can be,Or not making progress. The final statement from therapist is insurance will not pay forever. Time for home study now. Then maybe later if there is another kind Of need. I have plateaued or did I get a number of sessions and reached a cut off limit? Endings. Fadings. I resist on many levels. I just finally trust and progress. I met many goals.made more.longed for more. I made Routine. I was welcomed and belonged in session. I enjoyed preparations, journeys, recoveries. The rooms, the cafe, Friendship. The applause, fade to black. ACTI done.
You can practice at home. You can at least walk but do not forget too unstable for cane. Ok but am I as good as it gets? Do your homework. But I want gym time. Go find a place to do the exercises. Ok.
I will. Ok. I will track my walking with my fitbit. Seek motivation.
And so went the conversations with my past and present physical therapists, after 9 months of therapy once a week.
I wonder how I will do on my own. I will miss my outings which have become my life.
I feel no great thing here at year 2. It goes on much like before. No miracle. Just slow hard work. I wanted so much more but expected no less. I thought I would have progressed in accomplishment but it has only all been pain management and walking. Yet those are all that matter. And life offers more than I can Suspect. When pain free is highest goal in my life and greatest joy From which all is possible.
I will try not to feel abandoned but feel supportively ready to go.? I will listen to what others say and Hope.and Rest. And watch as my heart's desires Accept contented.
Some said try it. But I just closed one eye. Reading is Breathing. I worked hard to get my eyes working together but the double blur Annoys me. I Look normal in my glasses so none know the world I walk in. Moving patterns,Double then one then double,no depth, people moving too fast too close. Closed eyes makes my head spin. Lose my place in space.
So do I cover the weak or strong eye? The discussions continue. When will this end? ]So I detest a pirate patch, sticky p one. So online I find a glasses cover in pretty patterns. Something else to try. Maybe it will be a warning that my eyes do not work good.
No surgery will be done just yet.
Thank heavens for sight when my stroke territory could have taken it away.
Colors sometimes off but I see the beauty, I can do everything I want with my stuff.
Thank heavens there was a stylish sassy eye patch maybe will warn to keep outta my walker's way!
One day I happily shopped for Newborn layette stuff for my first grandchild. My daughter chose little clothing items with a little dog on them and a matching stuffed doggie music box that played How much is that doggie in the window. Tiny doggie booties. Small blankets and beanies to swaddle our tiny baby boy. I fell asleep that night thinking about my daughter's birth and first little days so filled with joy that any problems drifted So far away we seemed untouchable from the outside circle.
Then another darker time oozed in full of jealousy, bitterness,fear. Talk turned into chaos. I floated in space untethered into darkness. Why were my clear words turning into tangles. The past spoken not my past. Must be a dream again about Alice in that ridiculous book. Not my book. I cannot read through tears. All I know for sure is that I am trapped in a coloring book. I will never see the little tiny things filled with new life, new hope. The day turned sour burning. Leaving and endings I am blindsided with. If there is any reasoning I will not see? How did we drive down the street from the beauty shop to the Baby Store to look at diaper bags and wander into Secrets? Where is that window with the doggie?
So now I am alone. Entombed in chambers with bingo. How did my family disappear? If I walk far enough will they come for me? I fell into sleep and awakened in the wrong reality. I keep sleeping to find them. But I wake and they are gone.grown.And I am in a place where talk is unnecessary. And Peace surrounds like air I am in and within me. The cost of love.
Mothers Day used to be magical. Homemade cards and pictures,bead necklaces I wore later to work,and hugs galore. Later on, tickets,dinners,texts. Glorious time changed pages. Mothering often disrespected forgotten. Heart lined with velvet faded and worn still beating out love no matter what.Alone. No one needing a hand to hold. A job well done. Proud weeping. Better way as I drift to mist. I can walk off stage now unnoticed. This next Act is all for me.
If you put every picture straight then its kinda boring, you can try to plan it out but you end up making it up as you go,mistakes blend in eventually,it always feels like it needs more and is never finished, it fits together like it was all designed to, some mistakes look better than the plan.
I make collage on a poster board with my next door neighbor. I saw her sitting by window alone, so I kept inviting her to bingo. Eventually she said yes. She aLways goes now. When I wanted to be her roommate the social worker said no because we are a bad match. So now I wake her up to get a free manicure, remind her it is bingo day, request a bagel for breakfast for her, and help her with odds and ends like seeking help. Now I am helping her avoid boredom by making a collage. We cut out magazines. She picked a theme. She is hard of hearin so she shouts,and she was a nurse in new york for 50 years so her communication style can sound direct and harsh. Now we are gluing and our styles aqre different. Interesting to watch. She asks me numerous times what day is it. she forgets Things. I remind her. I soothe her worries. I watch television with her and she makescomments that entertain me. We watch a variety of them. I laugh. Now new roomie is jealous and mean now. Little annoyances. I ignore her bad behavior. I put on earphones. ?. One night she banged on my tray and it was startling so I up in arms saying Just get away from me.
Now she is not the person I thought she was.I helped her so now it has been hard to set boundaries. She is very bossy. To everyone.Many daily incidences and now I see real person and not the one trying to get me to be her room mate.
Good news, I am moving to assisted living. I am looking. Overwhelming to choose, to commit..but I must do it. I have to get out of this place to a place to have freedom and start my life over. Literally.
My Neighbor passed away. She was next door and my othher friend who collages with me was her roomate. I was cutting out magazines with one friend while the other struggled for each breath and endured the comfort care of hospice which looked dangnabbed horrific. I never saw anyone on their death watch. Her daughter was there as much as she can.we talked.I felt like I should pray but she was not religious. I did it silently. Cancer caused unrelenting pain.They kept her snowed under. Yet she still wimpered ocasionally. Before her last week,she called for her mother in those obnoxious wee hours. I cried for mine in my pillow. Then the woman let go in some wee hour in her sleep state alone she left her suffering in her body that once brought her joy and gave her children life. The bed was empty without memory. I never saw her devoted daughter again. For once the suddenness of stroke seemed good to me. I knew her a brief moment at the very end of her life,which changed me somehow I need to process. We sat for days cutting out pictures representing life and being In the same room in which each day her connection to this life slipped. And outsde the room life went on. Outside this building.
Then one of our fellow bingo buddy residents had a big birthday party. He gave me a personal invite but all could attend. His sister provided a generous spread of real food and a glorious cake. He gave me the real white flower on top. He was happily fussing over the placement of plasticware. I felt guilty there was no signed card from all of us, no nothing but our sharing his moment.He was out running brain tumor stuff and fighting for each foothold in recovery. I was immediately fond of him and aware of his things. I never pretend to understand his speech. I respect listening by asking him to repeat. He knows our conversations are real.
Where did my posts go? I probably hit a button that erased me my thoughts
Feelings bundled in words. Oh well. More where that came from. Plus I do love a retelling.Just please do not let me dissappear.
Today in PT I did lots of vestibular exercises. Therapist said we have to go slow or I may suffer the rest of the day.
But when I was on treadmil I worked through the pain until agony forced me to stop. I did the exercises to help me read with 2 eyes. I am good at using only left one. Or I see double. But I do not have good pain relief. Yes the procedure helped. It was hoped it would work just the medication but the opana does not help very well. I am suffering off and on. Sometimes I can barely stand on that leg. Then there are times it does not hurt if someone touches my foot. Completely unpredictable. How do I explain this to doctors. Here nurses see all these pills and I beg for more. My foot buzzes with a fuzzybuzzy electrical feel. My leg burns sometimes with stabs or deep aching. It always changes. Sometimes I can do more. Sometimes less.
Now I feel at home here. Nesting. Decorating. I bought a beautiful blanket bedspread. I sleep better snuggled with a heavy blanket.
I can once again have the weight of a blanket
On my leg.
My daughter was sent home from the ER told it was the beginning of a miscarriage that will complete by week's end.Well the baby has hung in there rolling around oblivious to any danger. Ironically this happened to me when pregnant with this daughter!
My daughter said Now the Worry starts! I had an eye rollin belly laugh.
This time is scary.We are reminded life is a gift bestowed. We all pray pleadingly. What a miracle indeed.
I am blessed for having this time with daughter.
Today there was a celebration in the Dining Room. I had not set foot in it since that day I was told to give up my seat. I went to be with my friends here. I sat with friends near kitchen door
There was wine,cider,nibbles on small plates,And green shamrocks all around.A male nurse gave me a shamrock lantern that decorated the nurses station. It sits in cherished spot on nightstand.
We listened to a Harp player,and watched Children doing Irish Dances. It was lovely.
A party. A celebration. Resiliency.
I sat with my back to the VIP table I once defended as a hill to die on. Those Geezers still sit holding court there. I felt pity for them. This is all their lives have come to. They will never leave here and still so arrogant. I go out for therapy,see the world. I will leave here someday.I know I need to go. My roommate kept talking about the guys at the table. It is no longer an issue. I Feel indifferent. I wondered why She kept stirring a cold pot. She often says odd things. Sometimes I get tired oh helping her. This was one time. The little flute of white wine with green food coloring left me feeling drowsy when I came back to the room. She t me to google something about her med. I asked where was her phone. Charging. I said later. She kept going on about me doing that for her. I said later when I get up. It did not sit well. I slept passed dinner. The tv blasted politics. My cna turned it off and I watch netflix. I want out of this community of death that is ultimatly so high school. But I am reallyReally Irish. My Gram used to say there was enough Irish in me to get through anything. I hope so.
I had to fast no food for 6 hours,with the last 2 hours no liquids NPO. Afterwards My blood sugar was 60 after I asked them to check it. They offered me juice boxes of orange juice and graham crackers while I waited 20 minutes in recovery.
I did not even change my clothes into a gown. I had an IV with a mild sedative in my wrist so I could be on my tummy on pillows. There was one nurse watching by the IV,and another one reminding me to breathe deeply. A xray machine was on my right with a man running it, One doc did procedure while another watched and directed from a computer.
So this is my experience. I do not know all technical stuff. They inserted a needle to find the right nervve bundle. They said woohoo thats it when I let out a holler. It is no more painful than what I deal with daily. Then for 30 min they apply the radiofrequency stuff. They talked about food places,food,which was the worst torture because I had not eaten since dinner the day before. Who cared there was something sticking into my spine. Next thing I knew they were cheering and taking Out needle and off to recovery no longer than after I give blood. Honestly there were a few times I felt a zap of quick pain but it was tolerable. That was in the beginning finding the site. That is why you must be awake. Doc had to wake me a few times...those pokes hurt. He would have preferred no sedation. I did not.
I did not feel immediate relief. I had the familiar burning leg. Doc said it did not work? He said give it a week. He hoped it would assist the meds if not replace them.
So then my son took me to a restaurant and to Target. I walked around without pain pill dose. I was thrilled. I walked better with my new padded shoes. It was obvious there was improvement hours later.
A week later, there is reduction of pain so I can walk longer,better, I feel like the meds work,I go to sleep without waiting for pill to work, I do not wake with urgent need for pain pill. I still take 12 hr opana,and 6 hr immediate release, feel burning and pins and needlesBUT the deep ache and cutting edge pain, stabs and crackles are bland or disappeared. My mind is clear. I am happy. I do not want a SSRI to deal with pain. I am on an SNRI max dose.
So the procedure is supposed to reset the brain. I have follow up in 6 weeks. I thought i was having some desensitization trainingm maybe later.
I told my roomate. She worried I would tell the nurse here. She is on 2 percoset. She has seen me in crisis. I hope the doc here will not let me suffer. This pain Is real. I am going to PT now. I want to walk again without pain. Without Dizziness. Wishing doesnt make it so.Believing helps me work. But Pain Relief makes working possible.
Now 8 am alone. Worse. My doc is unsupportive and will influence other docs here. I question am I wrong. Am I hooked on these pills. Am I the same ?
It takes trust. I questioned,I complied when I was unsure. The doc said I exasperated her,she broke my trust when sh did not respond to my calls when I tried a new medication. She said I had run out of opiates when there are others to try. She said I made her feel like she failed and she had nothing to offer. She said that pain is a matter of choice,a cognitive decision.
I said I cannot will the pain away, but 0I would try biofeedback. Since I had the procedure,she said I do not need meds.
I said i could try ocycontin,oxycodon or a pain pump. She too dangerous.
She offered Elavil. I am already on max dose effexor. I declined. I hope to wean off because my mouth dryness bothers me so bad. I wonder if it helps . I had to take shots, other pills. I have options.
believe me i pray,walk more inspite of pain, visualize myself running in my shoes,positive meditate enough energy to light up 20 blocks,but the pain persists.
I said softly to her through teats those darn tears dont you know what stroke pain is like and she said shr worked with stroke patients.
She said maybe another doc could help me.
I agreed and asked her to clear me so i can
Get another doc. She said fine and slammed the door on her way out.
I made a follow up apppt with procedure doc.
I wish i had been a better patient,but it helped a little but Never enough and foggy.
I never made her happy to see me. I never felt liked or respecd. I felt like a drug seeker talking to her.
I feel she never intended to continue to help me.
I immediately did not have pain relief,but half an hour later I was walking around good with less pain than usual. Now 48 hours later I have Reduction of pain. Not total absence of pain,but for me it is miraculous. I am still in pain but much improved. I was scared but not as muucH. Miracle!
I immediately did not have pain relief,but half an hour later I was walking around good with less pain than usual. Now 48 hours later I have Reduction of pain. Not total absence of pain,but for me it is miraculous. I am still in pain but much improved. I was scared but not as muucH. Miracle!
I have been cutting out magazine pictures & gluesticking them onto black posterboard. That should keep me busy. I like just cutting out what catches me: words,Colors,items,faces.
I made one once and framed it. It was things I liked in mags in one color. Well this is a huge one filled with things that express me my life. It is a spiritual journey,and a good cutting exercise. I sit by the window enjoying the cats,butterflies,flowers,green grass,sunshine. There is norovirus and C Diff here so showers and activities have been closed for a month. Roomie & I have been well luckily. I wash my hair in the bathroom sink. I am good at birdbaths now since being here.
I have been in so much pain on Opana ER 10mg with Opana immediate release 5 mg for break through pain. My pain doc said there is no way drugs alone will help my pain. She said it is mandatory I get the radio frequency Procedure. I will tomorrow. I am so scared but I hurt so badly, it gives me determination to get through it. I have run out of options pain doc said.
In the meantime, I entertain myself and others getting nails polished. Ok ladies, I like the no light gel polish. It shines better than usual top coat,lasts good. I have 4 colors and 2 more to go. I might as well look better than I feel.
I picked up my new diabetic athletic shoes that were fully paid for. Roomie told me about program for people with foot problems with dr referral. Then I went and picked out the shoes I wanted. I chose an athletic shoe. They also have leather shoes in styles I like so it is a good thing that every year I may choose a new pair of shoes. There is an insole that I change every 4 months. All I can say is after all this time wearing slippers, it feels wonderful to have supportive shoes...that are stylish too. I walk better in them and standing is more comfortable and stable. My ankles hurt less.
I am enjoying my room and kindness of the staff over in this station. We have a caught you'caring program here. The bulletin board is covered with slips filld out by happy patients or staff. Half of them are from me. Staff get prizes. I took a picture of the bulletin board I helped design by hanging up.
I have on long dangling shamrock earrings. I am Irish and Loving it. I am getting everyone learning suduko. Roomie was talking to her niece and said I watch TV with her but I get bored and get on projects. I guess I do. She was excitedly telling niece that she will be surprised to see how the room is organized and decorated. I put a Pad under pillowcase on an extra table where I sat the air freshener and the binder With the poetry of Roomie's Deceased Sister and some magazines. We are ready for guests.
Wow I even miss bingo. We are confined to our rooms. This is more like prison with worse food very day. I am well so I travel to my Pt,see people.
I successfully got on Lyrica, no more Gabbs! I feel less groggy, less swelling
Well I hope tomorrow goes well.
I saw the ultrasound showing my child's child. I love.
Life is now. Surviving is not an interruption. It is a destination saying you have arrived here. I see the interruption is between life and death,not my Old life or Me and when will I recover as good as new.
I lost everything as a result of my stroke. Every Thing in my life. Then. But not my future,as far as I am allowed to go.
I am grateful.
I am Irish so I am fond of March. I like green shades everywhere. I got a no light gel manicure with aqua blue polish.I bought a pair of dangling shamrocks earrings. I think about the strength Of the Irish when my own is depleted.
Tonight was the strangest thing I tried to stretch my imagination along dotted lines.
I called my pain doc,told how new drug not working. Doc said can discuss at appt. My appt is 3 weeks away and no new openings,no squeezing me in. So good ol boy doc told nurse at nursing home said He would pop on by in a few days to see me but no more rescue shots until he sees me. Well folks that left me high and dry. My pain doc was supposed to always be reliable. She is as long as i get appt.
So the pain doc nurse is sorry sorry,go to the emergency room if it gets too bad. The triage nurse said no doc will do anything unless I go to our ER. Then the nursing home nurse and LVN told me if i went to the ER I would not be allowed back because i was going against medical advice. They brought me a form to sign and said that was from the director of nursing. Whatever. I cannot stand or walk well. I have not slept well. I will not be able To be out of bed. I have cried. I have sobbed at how LVN said Something long in a angry tone.
So I said ok I will sign the form and go to the hospital. LVN said you will? I said let me sign. His fingers stayed on it but I was fast. I snatched it away and thanked him and said I would think about it and get back to them. The woman with him shrieked you need 2 signatures for that. So like is it for my benefit I sign. Why can't they call me a van and let me get help. They left. Some pow wowee went on because no one answered the call light for roomie who wanted a pain pill for fifteeen under an hour.
Roomie said don' t sign that. She offered me a stashed pain pill she had,but I Assured her I had that covered,although I prefer to stay with my med plan but i am not going to suffer. They never bring meds on time.
I made it to morning exhaustedd hoping to get hold of my doc now.
I woke early and got ready for the van to come and take me to PT.
I am on new drug program. I am running out of options. I guess then after I try everything, I can pick the best one. Doc says it does not work that way. Well I wonder why not. I am on 5mg Opana immediate release for break
The norovirus is here in our home. We are trapped in our rooms to avoid spread. I am well,so is Roomie.
My friends are ill. Staff is short handed.
I am thankful for being in this sunfilled room, with roomie.
I am weaning off gabba and on 600 lyrica. So far pain is awful.
I am going to be off patches of fentanyl and go onto opana. Next week when the rx comes.
I wait for radioleg procedure in March,if only I can stay well.
Lyrica is at max daily dose and I am still on some Gaba and Pain familiar haunts me. Who ya gonna call?
Oh wonderful news: Free Shoes!
Roomie told me that diabetics get special support shoes free. I asked doc and then I was called for a fitting. I chose from many nice pretty great quality shoes from samples and catalog. I chose an athletic shoe. I will get inserts with them and they are custom fitted.
So I am thrilled!!! And I can get a new pair every year. I learned about avoiding amputation.
WHY in the world,after lifetime diabetic,did it take this long to find out about this,especially since I wear slippers,am verbal about missing shoes,practically live at medical offices,and No one ever mentioned it.
So I am in Limbo waiting. Ever hopeful.
I think I want to get a fit thing to record my steps. Seems fun.
My Roomie has politics channel on 24/7,loud. If I turn it down when She falls asleep,she wakes up. Ear plugs do not work. Yet at times I nod off in front of the tv. I have learned things.
We enjoy our company.
She is interested in my coloring and sometimes we collaborate on a design.
I like my new world here.
Environment is Everything.
Feeling cared for is healing.
My Roomie is like family to me. She welcomed me and we have little things in common. With her I no longer feel alone. ☺
My roomie is 80. She gts braid extensions and manicures. She is from a family of 12 and has outlived so many family members. She outlived her husband of 51 years just 5 years ago. She said she endures dialysis for her niece and nephew who are like her own children and she never had any of her own.She used to live with her niece. She has a quick wit and wonderful sense of humor. She points out that we are a generation apart but we like the same things. I love listening to her stories and I just marvel over the fact she lived in the midst of so much history. I feel dull beside her. She loves politics and is getting me more informed than I used to be. She wanted and asked for me as a roommate. I love waking up and sitting by her bed by the window.
My days are full of companionship and now I do not stay in my room.
When the stalker man comes peeking in my room, I ignore him. Hey I got a cable box in now too. They finally it in all the tvs and not just 1 per room. I guess enough complaints works.
Now I have time to look outside and contemplate life.
But I never get used to the men dressed in black with the black gurney. Sometimes it comes in the day,but mostly at night. I always feel so saddened by the appearance of death,yet I believe we are freed from our old bodies and live in eternal life free from death. But it surrounds me now.? My roomie chuckles and says that is what this place is for. I forget. But I do see frail bodies being walked around on walkers,with wheelchairs behind! Our spirits strong! As I communicate with those without speech,I know we are spiritual beings.
The really difficult part is when the man dressed in black pushing a gurney draped in back shuffles down the hall usually in the early morning hour. I dislike the reminder of death, the losses so frequent,the sounds of mourning,the death.
Roomie laughed at me and said thats what this place is for. I am not ready. I want to live,learn to recover.
So I do that.
Roomie had a clutter around her. I helped her hide away things all organized and rearrange things on display. My daughter bought her new tote to take her blankets to dialysis. She was so happy because she had wanted to do it for a while. I asked the kitchen for ziplock bags. She was surprised how fast we were done.
Organizing clears the soul.