I was scheduled to get a procedure using radio frequency thing in my spine this week but I am on antiobiotics so I am not allowed to do it now and need to get doc clearance in order to reschedule.
I will asap.
I love my new roomie and room. She is real companioship. I enjoy watching cats outside and sun and wind in trees.
I love the more competent nurses over here. Bossy nurse no longer exists.
Everyone comments I look relaxed. I color in design book while watching clouds.
It is fun watchingh the faces of some people looking at me in this super luxury room with my good friend.
My new roomie said it was nice I talk to everyone. I knew she meant that I talk to those with dementia. There is one lady who has a nice big smile fior me when I see her.Today she burst into laughter when I fussed over her. Then there is the lady I sit with until she falls asleep. I give her a piece of candy after bingo. I bring down women who cant talk to get nails done with me and let them pick nail polish color. It was so much fun getting my nails done.
Then,at night, a cna told me suddenly that I look so happy. She used to help me in the other room. I had other cna tell me they are surprised I lasted so long,and that others left her and that room.
It is so wonderful to look outside,see sky,and the garden.
My spirit soars.
I noticed my leg was getting red a couple of days ago but a nurse said they would keep an eye on it. So this morning a nurse actually looked at it and she called it a pink rash. I belly laughed never actually heard that before. To me the shade was candy apple red not pink. So I said they wanted me to return to hospital if it turned color again.any color than my lily white only tan color is age spots. She got agitated saying she did not have time,it was not life threatening. The supervisor said it was only pink so he would call the doctor when it was red. I went to my physical therapist and she showed her colleague and they said oh no cannot work with that leg. The PT walked me over to the ER. I had IV antibiotics,ultrasound for clots,blood work for specific stuff,and spent the night admitted to the hospital.
Then I was sent back to the SNF. After a night spent in a private room on the 12th floor,I dreaded going back to that dark dreary, room with Her that smelled of a urine soaked diaper and prattled on endlessly about her OCD thoughts.
The transport guys rolled the gurney toward my room,the head nurse called out for them to take me to the room number of my best friend here! I nearly hopped down and declared I need to Move! A special cna helped me move my things out and I arrived in my new room! My friend said,"I can't believe you are here!" We had asked to be roommates quiet a while.
I am now sharing a room with bingo buddy! She is 80 years young. She has dialysis 3 times per week. We share a room with only 2 beds,a sliding glass patio door that looks out to a garden with fruit tress,there is light,sunshine,and friendship here. Compare this new existence to life in a room with 3 women,one refusing to eat and wasting away,the other refusing diaper changes forcing me to endure the smell of Wastes constantly even during meal times after the dining room event, listening to her endless OCD anxieties and lies that turned on me when I went socializing out of the room.
I begged to move in here when my friend invited me but twice they gave it to other incoming patients and told me that I already was assigned to room. We both gave up discouraged,but we both liked the new roommate. I stayed there most of the day until I went to bed.
I was feeling hopeless. I asked if it was because it was a nicer room but no explanation given. I felt hopeless. I took it out on everyone. I wanted to be free from those nurses who failed me too. I told off stink woman constantly. I insisted the cnas change her. I talked on phone about her in front of her. I said I wanted her out of MY room then if i could not move. I raised the holy grail. Her family complained.nurses complained. I refused to move to the middle beds available in 2 other rooms.I wondered if I would get the boot. But I got the place I wanted. And they are moving over the better flat screen tv in here. I am giving it to roomie who has a cable box. We already share her tv.
I am going to have dinner sitting by the window and then look at the stars. I have lived 6 months unable to do that.
Oh and bossy nurse smiles too big at me. I wonder if she knows I beat them all at their own game.
I asked to transfer rooms. I visit a friend and she wants me as a roommate. We are bingo buddies. There was a roommate here and she went to hospital,returned to the room next door. I was told that I was not a match with that occupant. I sit at a table with her all the time. Besides...my current roommate is not my kindred spirit. So my BF here Had an empty bed and they gave it to someone else. We had both requested it,the bed was on a hold but the woman went to another bed so that bed could have been given to a resident wanting to change rooms. Me. But the social services handles it said the executive director.Admissions said ask social services.
So I continued to visit my friend. Then staff kept coming in and asking if I had moved. I never was in the bed,no belongings,all my stuff still in my room. Admission woman was mad at me for moving in and said it was not my room. I said I was sleeping in my bed and witnesses like the nurse who brought me pain medicine in the middle of the night could vouch for me. But the rumor spread.
Then roomie went nuts when I fell asleep with my bed light on.usually a cna will turn it off. Roomie told a cna that I told her that I was going to leave my light on to keep her up all night. The cna walked out so I was silent. But she does passive aggressive stuff. And another time,I walked in the room and my pillows were gone. She told some cna to take my extra pillows away I guess. It is just impossible for me in the room.
Ironically, she has complained to her daughter. I stay up past midnight, I get medicine first and so then the nurse forgets her,I keep my light on just to keep her from sleeping,I get wipes and should not because I do not wear diapers,I use wipes to clean my table,I am always on my phone so I eat slow and I never let them take my tray on time....and these are only the complaints she has said to me so there could be more.
Basically she is insisting that I should be relocated and so is her husband and daughter. She threatened me that son in law is a doctor so she can get what she wants. Obviously. They let her sit by tv and pee all over. Other residents are rolled around to places when they resist. But I hope her wishes help because I want same. They tried to get me to take 2 middle beds on loon lane in there and I protested that those are not match for me...but perhaps this place forces you to retreat to a happy place in your mind...so I said NO to the room. They know what they moved me to. The most undesirable room in the place without a view,farthest from dining room,and constant stink with the most verbal anxious OCD person on the planet along with a woman who is case study on self starvation because she is unable to eat and doesnt get a feeding tube. As awful as it sounds to be kept alive with feeding tube,starvation is slow and painful. Just put bullet on advance directive because starvation is murder to watch. These women are never out of the room really. I have asked to be allowed to live in a room with sunlight,conversation,hope. Anything else is abuse. How much do these things cost?
When she said her family was not happy with me, I laughed and said be careful or you might be moved. She said she will never leave.
Those words are true despite my efforts to bring life around. And I managed to become the bad guy,not a victim.again.
I felt elated watching a storm pass over so cal even if it meant some rooms in this place had a couple of inches of water in them because someone was too stupid to get sandbags for sliding glass doors that usually flood. I loved the rain and longed to open the doors and dance and twirl in the rain. Why didn't I dance more in the rain when I could?? Well perhaps holding a walker stuck in mud would do. Nothing like seeing palm bending in the wind,trees shaking, and a downpour sound on the roof. Even Earth rages once in a while.
I told my story and experience. The judge did not invite the voc proscution guy to speak. He said this is paid case. I was so relieved.
But after explaining how my world is now compared to the day before the stroke left me drained and deeply sad. I had just a little cry. I also teared up talking about driving,and when he granted my appeal.
My prayer answered. Now what?
Ever since I came out of my room now more often to visit my friends, one of the instigating men that caused the dining room horror,has been under my feet ever where I go. OK,so we are a community here,but he seems to come along to talk to whomever I am talking to,he rubber necks into the rooms I visit,he shows up to get his nails done talks to girl doing my nails,sits by the christmas tree while I had fallen asleep on the sofa right there.
Ok my gut has an uh-oh feeling. I am creeped out. I thought to myself that it was my imagination but My friend here asked me what does he want? So I waited until he rolled near me again in the lobby and I asked him why was he stalking me? He said he couldnt care less about me. But he saw me r walk over to speak to director.
Later I was mocked at the nurses station by 2 of the 4 men to a lady I visit with.I ignored them and walked off to visit a friend here who is gravely ill and on hospice and same age as me. But mocked is good sign. I fought back again and now he will need to stay away from me.
The friend I want to be roommates with sat at the table with the 4 men the night the rain flooded rooms and people were sent to the dining room. Heavy rain and no sandbags equal a problem. Anyway they put my friend at the reserved table. She ate dinner there. No one made her move. She said maybe because she is black. There are only a couple of black residents here.
My friend has had a different experience here. A blessed event. I noticed that when I visited her. Much better than my roommates.
Her room had an empty bed and her neighbor,also a bingo friend,had an empty bed. I asked to move to either one. My friend asked for it. But*they moved in a patient delivered from the hospital. My friend says next time. They offered me the choice of 2 remaining rooms in the whole place which are in the reality challenged and not alert section of this place. Not suitable for me. I wont take them. Maybe they could put roomie there.
I continue to visit my friend but it continues to shake up the place. She doesnt understand it. I say sorry and she says not my fault.
Some nurses complain about me and yet just this morning a new nurse put my patches on wrong.Medicine isnt ordered on time.And they dont like it here when I disagree with them or expect to be treated in a timely manner. I am patient and courteous but I am not afraid to say No especially when they want to give my insulin shot an hour before breakfast. I went to the assistant director and kept my promise? I reported the mistakes my nurse made and med pharmacy problem.
I am taking gaba and lyrica now. I have hand jerkies. I fight to stay awake.
Oh and I stopped being patient with Roomie's idiosyncrasies. I call her out. One thing is I eat in peace and she is not fussing at me turn in my tray.
So after the dining room horror show,and thelonth hanging out in the sewage room, I went out making new friends and visiting old ones.
My bingo buddy had visited me,so I went to see her,we watched a tv show on cable that was the final episode and the home did not provide me with a new required cable box. I get only non cable channels,and so from there we ate meals in her room when she had a roommate and when she & not. When her roommate went toh &h friend said if she does not return then you could ask to move here. When friend's & had family collect &? belongings,we okk, I asked mdirector,counselor,admissions,head nurse?,and friend's niece was happy about it because she hears about me,offered to take me to church,asked her counselor.
The staff started asking if i had changed rooms the day after roommate went to hospital. The roommate went to hospital many times before. She came back then. This time family took belongings. I had been hiding in room,but then visited people in addition to bingo. So I believed since I complained about roommate,that this would bring all happiness. Both friend and I go to outside appointments. She goes to dialysis. Every shift,all cna said there was rumor I had
Moved in. Ah duh, I sat in a chair by her bed and not in the other bed. Then admission woman came in upset saying, she was informed I had moved in!! Not true! I visited with her ate meals watched movies. We were happy. Laughter happiness friendship. So we chatted on the phone. Next best thing to being there.
I had not visited bingo buddy in her room before. Then She invited me to watch movies and ever since been eating meals with her in her room with her. Her room mate is discharged now so we agreed to request for me to move in her room. It would work out nicely for both of us. We are friends and she shared her tv when I was not given a cable box. So I went to admissions and asked for a room change but I was told social services my counselor did that and I would need to wait Until she comes in. I begged with capital B for admissions to hold this bed in my friends room to be on Hold for me. But they cant they said. At any moment this bed can go to a new applicant. Current residents do not have priority.
This room has a sliding glass door onto a patio that we opened for fresh air. Very different from my small window that roomie hates to have opened. This room is closer to activities I walk to. My friend wants me for a roommate and says she will ask her counselor.
So the admission woman came in during sunday breakfast. One of the staff told her I had moved in & was staying in this bed. My friend & I said no,I visit but I slept in my own bed. She was angry. Of course. And she explained my counselor only had power. Well I will go to the director who said I could call her. I am waiting for mon morning.
So who started that rumor? Only my roomie knows I have been out of my room so much,but could be anyone.
I am under a strain in that room with that filthy woman. Now that I am out with friends she has been horrible.
Pray for me please.
I needed yeast infection meds sisters. I had days of IV antibiotics and capsules. I told the nurse first thing in the morning. Then nurse said waiting on pharmacy. For hours and hours. So after dinner I was wtflowersbloominmad.
I called the pharmacy to ask what was going on..like insurance problem...the delivery driver...what?
The pharm informed me they did not have Any rx for it!! So I informed the nurses and they faxed it again they said. The next morning I still did not have any meds. But the nurse brought in some that had been discontinued. I went to the assistant head nurse with my latest med list. She looked up the list and said she would need to look up and verify my meds with my doctors.
Then she showed her real concern and asked if I had called the pharmacy. I said yes and explained why. She said she "asked me not to call the pharmacy." I said, why? I have a right to call when the nurses do not have time to follow up. Her voice raised and she said do you mean to tell me that my nurses are too busy for their patients? Her voice was Loud harsh. I told her I just came in to update my med list. I promised to always check in with the nurse first,like I always do.
I finally got medication.
While I have been in hospital room, I was given Oxycodone. The first one was a 10 and it knocked me out. That combined with IV lasix and I wet all over. Since they are doing 24 hr urine collection for kidney check plus it was way too strong,the doc ordered 2.5 and 5. Big difference. 2.5 was too little. So they gave me 5. And this little Goldilocks said This One Is Just Right and she fell fast asleep. And hey this drug works very nicely for pain. I am up refreshed having my morning tea. And dry.
The tv is high on wall close to ceiling. Looking up brings on double vision. So I use cell phone.
Omg I had a bagel and cream cheese yesterday!!!!!♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡! I have never had one at the home. I think it healed me.
I am on salt restricted diet but I still think the food is tastier here. I had rosemary chicken,carrots,and a piece of lemon poppy seed cake. The chicken was real.
Well the oxy is hitting so I will nap now.I am getting more antibiotics IV. I am getting checked out for kidney function to figure out why this swelling. Edema can lead to infection they said so this needs to be addresses. Dear god if a leg has to go,why risk the painfree one? Wait..I am suddenly very thankful for the pain that enables me to stand and walk.
A priest came yesterday,annointed and absolved me,gave me a rosary. Ever since I have felt a real peace and inexplicable joy. He had an accent and blue eyes that made him seem angelic.
I also have been cared for ny an exceptional kind nurse team. I am greatful beyond words. I have slept in a trusting peace. I am amazed there is laughter and Caring here now. When my rx was not in for gabba ,the nurse called on her phone to the doc in front of me even saying I was crying so need to do quickly. Or did I dream that.
Caring staff,good care,good food. It can happen.
Please pray for my healing of body because I am thankful for peaceful spirit. I share this peace to you all in my prayers.
Symptoms of cellulitis worse not better. Got better then worse.
I was told the facility doc was coming in tonight and it was a no show. They called another one of their docs who said no referral to go to the ER. I never talked to him,they did. They said they would xray my foot to see if it was broken. Wtheck! It might be when I remove it. So I called my doc triage line and she ran through a list and said she was sending a referral over to the ER recommending that I go. I am waiting for ambulance transport to the ER now. I sit in the nursing station listening to them talk in their language so I feel so not supported or cared about. On top of it, I have lost the key to my clothes locker so I have to take my stuff over. I will need to deal with that later. I wanted a combo lock then I could forget the number and look at it written down somewhere. Now I trust someone has the extra key.
Why do they say no ER when the triage nurse I talk to says go and hurry? Is there so much difference in how the story is told? My trust in them here is nill. One man here lost a leg after his stroke due to thrombosis. Scary stuff. Believe me,I would rather be sleeping warm than dealing with this whole situation. But I think better to go and it is nothing than to suffer later. BossyNurse is peevearooed. In fact they all act as if I am a hypochondriac. Well, I am one with referrals and diagnoses.
This makes me feel so alone. To be sick and worried and literally laughed at. A young RN,newly made supervisor, chuckled and said ,"for that?"when I said I was going to ER so please set up transport because I have a referral. I am not really hypochondriac.
My son gave me an assortment of hand sanitizers in cute little bottles and variety of scents in wintery or holiday names. I love these and still call them hannitizers like I did when the kids were young.
Son sent me a pix of his work computer screen with the yule log! We always had the yule log on tv on Christmas Day. Sweet memory of Home, Christmas Past,shared with son now adult but his younger version constantly haunts me. He carries on this seemingly small detail of Christmas Morning Past. My soul soared as I stood like a ghost watching my young kids bopping around repeating yule log yule log.And then reality: he sends this pix. I Google and found a yule log on my phone. I am blessed to have warm unexpected reminders of memories to revisit.
I got hold of air freshener! The activities lady had one and promised to buy one and deliver it to me. I asked to keep hers and she could replace it. So she gave it to me.
I held it reverently. I hope it changes my life and allow me to survive in this room with this woman who refuses to have diaper changes,showers,Any reasonable hygiene. She sits on two towels on her wheelchair and soaks them so they drip. The floor is wet every night. I have been informed it is her right to live like this. And since I live in this room,I am just doomed. I have air freshener now. I am out of this room ass much as possible.
I went around giving the caught you caring forms to my neighbors in the home so they can vote for their favorite staff. I found many bedridden neighbors anxious to have a visit
I spend time watching time with my bingo buddy. I enjoy her company. She is alumni of Spellman University.
Roomie is going to daughters home so I get a break from her.
Cannot wait to go have some fun this afternoon.
Merry Christmas Eve Everyone.
I miss Christmas Past so badly. Here we all do. But we have christmas present.
I visited my bingo buddy. We ate snacks and watched basketballI also visited a woman who is my new friend and we watched animal planet together. She is dying.She enjoyed some Bailey's in her coffee and it has been quite a while since my life had sneaking in brown bag beverage in it. She is so fun and we enjoyed a moment. She suggested we have movie night once per week. We exchanged texts so we can coordinate a time. She thanked me for coming by and I was glad I ventured out of my room.
Then I was sitting with a woman who calls help me loudly all night because she told me she does not want to sleep yet because she needs diaper change but she just had it done. She asks for coffee all night too! So I asked if I could sit with her until she goes to sleep. She said yes she is tired and then she was quiet. In a few minutes she was asleep. That was my Christmas Eve. I was very blessed.
On Christmas Day carolers came interrupting our holiday bingo game. They were a huge group of all ages including some little ones. It was not clear who the leader was. They were funny, laughing when they were not singing together,not even the same song,and off key lots. I had a hard time with them crowded in the room,loud songs with painful off 9op sounds,colorful clothes and omg the jingle bells. Just when I thought I could not take another minute,they were handing out chrismas cards and left. I especially enjoyed the children.
I was given an outside sandwich by a cna who is an angel. I slept the afternoon after calls,texts,shared pics. I slept through dinner and concern new nurse but they let me sleep. I woke up and the k shift got me a fruit plate and my kind cna had some fresh gowns for me.
My sweet kids worked and sent some amazon treats that will come along later!HoHo!
It was a beautiful time except for when Roomie went on & on about her constipation. She was not going out so she took a handful of laxatives and My room was unliveable.But that was after her daughter came and would occasionally turn the tv volume high and laugh loudly. I left but then it went on and on.v
My good leg was red,warm and painful. The assistant director of nursing looked at it,said it was a rash,and called the home doc who gave me hydrocortisone cream.
When that did not work and it was swollen foot to calf,beet red, steaming hot,painful to stand on,I demanded to go to the hospital. So the supervising nurse came to look. She said it might be infection. I said I wanted to go to the hospital. She spoke to Nurse Practitioner who said they would do doppler ultrasound in the morning and that they could treat it here so there was no need to go to the hospital. Ok so it was in the middle of the night but I was worried thinking pulmonary embolism or loosing the leg. Plus I do not go with being told I can't, like this is prison.
I called my doc, talked to advice nurse who asked me triage questions and then told me to get to the emergency room even if I need to call 911.
The nurse supervisor said he had to call the NP,said the NP wanted to talk to me,and expected me to. I said there is no need to talk to an NP, please get transport to hospital or I will call 911 as the hospital advice nurse suggested. There was a whole lot of discussion between 2 nurse supervisors,my nurse,and an NP on the phone instead of the doctor for the home. Finally they said transport would arrive. Then they huddled, got paperwork before taking me outside without a blanket or cover. They acted weird speaking to me like barking orders,instead of asking questions. Then when the woman asked me why didn't I let the home treat me,and rattled on and on. She turned on bright overhead lights to fill out paperwork. When I pleaded that it hurt my eyes,she said she was not going to strain her eyes!! I felt that familiar surge of Hulk starting. I said through gritted teeth,"Lets get this taxi to real medical professionals."
When I arrived,they took me to the room that was full of nurses. All that chaos way overstimulating,lights too bright, talking talking talking. It is in the wee hours. I am eXhausted,scared,relieved when the room clears and the lights of. I had IV antibiotics and sent with follow up pills. Diagnosis cellulitis. I stayed for tests and bloodwork to rule out other things. Then a really friendly happy crew transported me back to my home.they even covered me with warm hospital blankets. That shot of dilaudid helped to give me a pleasant time home.
Then my daytime nurse was talking to me about how nurses judgments must be respected. I Guess word spread I use my own judgment.
I am on higher dose of Fentanyl and lyrica and gabbapentin. They are switching out the gabba.
I hope on lyrica I will no longer have hand tremor and the auditory hallucination ...that strange sound in my head. I hope for consistent coverage. Because on all this,I still take norco.
Today I wear 2 patches to increase fentanyl dose. It took 2 months to make this happen. I hope this helps.
My night nurse told me that she sees Lyrica used more than Gabbapentin. She thinks there is a difference,that it works better for some patients.
I have to wait for a preauth,but it is on the formulary according to my insurance rep who explained my doctor's insistence that it is not covered as The possibility she has an outdated list. I am glad I called to check.Now peace of mind,however doc still must fill out a form justifying the use. I just do not understand why she insisted my insurance does not cover it when it is on the list of approved drugs.
The other thing I wonder about is why she says I have run out of pain killer options when there are more. And as far as addictions...ah hello,this pain never stops they tell me and is hard to manage,so why hesitate.
I feel pushed to do invasive stuff. I feel that I need to comply.
Today I was energized by friendship. It started yesterday when I heard the cna outside my room calling out my Friend's name and then say: what are you doing over here,lets get you back to your room. I called to them but they were gone. When the cna came back I gave him a piece of my mind when he claimed not to know she came to visit me because he did not ask her but just wheeled her off. I walked over to visit her and thanked her. She cannot talk well but we manage to share pictures,memories and encouragement. Plus our love for some hot coffee.
Then I did not want to return to my room that smelled positively putrid due to my roomie's belief in being changed only Two times per day and not as needed. I was told she had a right to refuse diaper changes,showers,clothing changes. So she urinates everywhere and sits in a loaded diaper until it is her bedtime. So,fed up with it all, I watched TV in the common room. Then a nice cna sat next to me ding his charting and asking about my show. At commercial I asked him if he could find me some different pretty hospital gowns. He found 4 and 1 robe.
I returned to the room and roomie was quick to go off about my dishes sitting on my table, and a list of worries about running out of diapers (fat chance). I put on earbuds and fell asleep.
So today I went to see my bingo buddy after my lunch. I left a fruit plate for later on my table. My buddy was encouraging me but I said I brought my lucky cards. I helped a woman next to me and I won 5 times, but even that did not stop me from noticing the stares from certain staff and how the one who is supposed to stay away from me was around. But to me,she did not exist. And let them stare. I was enjoying myself and the friends I have. I am pretty sure that I have proven to be more than expected and that they will not bother me.
Afterwards I went back to my buddy's room to get the name of a nail polish she wore. It is called I got the blues Red. We laughed thinking it can be the music or melancholy. She was shocked to hear I did not get all tv stations and she told me to come by and watch it in her room with her. She said she never saw it before but she would watch it. I felt kindness surround the space,me.
On way back to my room, I stopped at tables at nursing area to talk with another friend who I meet with occasionally and she wanted me to come to bingo. She was eating some popcorn and offered it to me but I had won other snacks I looked forward to eating as I tried to read a paperback. I have to read with one eye mostly. Reading with both is either not possible or gives headache. I used to devour books. Now it is one bite at a time. For now.
But as I stopped to visit with my good friend, the man responsible for the dining room incident was about 3 feet away. He turned his back. My friend asked how I was and I shared good recovery stuff, my recent outings with family, and I emphasized all positive in my life. I wanted that man to Overhear. As I stayed and stayed,he wheeled away down the hall. Probably to his reserved seating with his exclusive clique of crones. I stayed talking a little. I realize I have more people here that were silent witnesses. Many here that supported me when they heard,knew. Staff knows that licensing came,there have been repairs made,more staff hired,and Some crappystaffy moved off our floor. I think they know now that I am not an easy target anyway. But it is not pleasant here in this room. Roomie refused a diaper change. She stinks. She says she is dry in a baby voice whining she wont have any diapers for poopies. I think if I have to listen much longer to this I will need more meds or a coma or two. I told roomie My friend's roomate is transferring soon and her room has a nice garden view. My roomie never uttered a word about my dinner dishes.
Maybe sometimes things grab hold of me,but when I am ready I make choices that are good for me. And when I am not ready then I do what I need.
I faced things today. What I feared was my reaction but I was indifferent.
I was lucky at Bingo again. And I felt no need to hide now. I am trying to move to another place anyway not a SNF. That gives me hope for freedom.
Sometimes I am just not the person I want to be or think I am, or try to be.
Lately I admit to myself that I am sometimes passive aggressive, petty,envious, selfish. I need to spend some time in the confessional but maybe this venting will at least make me feel better. Or will it be more unkindness on my part? Well so be it. I am disappointed in myself. Over living with roommates. I have lived with others before in a variety of situations. These things of mine are not new for sure but recently I am quite intolerable of things that my roommates do. Part of is that telling them how I feel has not worked so essentially I must tolerate and respond differently. I am not successful in changing my feelings yet but I put on music,read,escape. Yet my humanness follows me and I long to be better than I am. I feel like I used to be. Is it irritability,depression,meds,or fedupness. I feel like a rotten person. But then trying to relieve myself of guilt, I contemplate my circumstance. I believe it is not only what is inside but also the environment. Perhaps I cannot live in a room so confined and be with the same person a stranger I have come to dislike without feeling resentful and unkind. Even when she does me a kindness, it increases my guilt but does not change my feelings. I think it is the same for others as shouting at each other can be heard on the floor. We do not shout. We apologize for grouchiness. We try. I see that. Perhaps this caged being with so little control over daily life does things to us. Long term care feels like a prison. I stay out longer at dr appointments,sit watching the sky,and think about what it means to be dependent.
I wonder if it would be different with a roommate I liked more or if I would eventually again turn sour. That is the word.Sour. even my stomach is sour.
I have loved people,loved being around them,get lonely when alone,and yet now is this a personality change or is this whole living plan a set up for bringing all this to surface? And I think of how our society overcrowds,warehouses fragile groups of people. Is this what they talk about institutionalized? Right now picking battles feels so much like learned helplessness. There is nothing I can do about it I tell myself.
I used to overlook things about my roommate but now they bother me. I stay nice on outside but I want to feel nice inside. I do not want to change here. I think it is me. I think I will be unhappy everywhere here. I changed before. My roommate was 95,had impacted bowel problems so I never could stand to be in the room. I was exhausted so needed to move. Staff told me how hurt she was and I felt bad and angry staff told me that like I was a bad person.
It is the same thing again with this roommate. She is supposed to take meds so she will be regular but instead she waits so she goes less often, but then it goes on all night and early morning. Again I end up leaving because they do not change her soon. I wish I could handle it but we do not have spray,so I use scented lotion. Staff looks down on me too because they change people all day while I beg for nausea pill.
Besides my shortcomings there, I have been irritated that she wants me to eat as fast as possible so my tray/dishes will be removed as fast as possible. She does not use utensils and drinks her yogurt,cottage cheese,etc, and gobbles down her food.Then sh calls in the cna to remove her tray before her last swallow. Hey,I live and let live. However,she gets angry and critical because I eat slow and do not turn in my tray when she does. She is outspoken telling me I talk while I am eating,I am always playing around with my cell phone instead of eating so my tray sits here. I have told her to just stop,never tell a cna to take my tray when I am eating,that my dishes can be taken somewhere later on,and that she is behind her curtain and cant see my tray! If someone comments on food,she will yell do you still have your tray? She puts calllight on for cna or she goes down the hall saing they forgot the tray repeatedly. Sometimes other roommate has glasses of liquid around to feed her and she gets nuts about those and when she is told they are for later she tells them she won't drink them.
So I am fed up with this crazy OCD stuff she takes meds for. I have stayed cool,went along,so what if I cannot leave my tray to go to the restroom. I understand her anxiety about tidy. But I asked her to stay out of my tray business!Then I kept my tray for hours and every time she mentioned it I told her to stop. But that did not put an end to it. Every day. I used to eat in the dining room when I was in a closer room,then I got strong to walk and now I do not go. So I make do until my nerves get shot. Someone says how was dinner and she goes off about my tray. I do not answer but someone tells her there is no tray.
That is petty dumb. I can give her peace if it only a tray that bothers her. I wonder why I am so mean about it now? But when she says tray that triggers me illogically unreasonably. I dislike her for this,and for saying the same script every morning when they get her up. I can recite it like a morning prayer all the directions,comments,the laugh put in. Thank god for earbuds.
And her worry chains. The what ifs go on an on regardless of who says what. Lately I can only say StopIt. Like the newman episode on youtube called stop it.
I dislike how she gives misinformation about me that causes me problems. She says do this or that and they listen to her. All the time for lots of things when i am not around. Annoying things. She tells them I want to change my menu,tells them to put 2 sheets and 1 blanket when they make my bed. I came back and said why is this bed sheet doubled. She gives me elaborate stories and I say that is impossible,just stop. She says yes it is impossible but it happened.
I am tired of listening to her complain that her lips peeled off because sh does not drink enough so now she has no lips to drink with. Her panic attacks used to bring out concern in me. Now annoyed,I feel rotten.
I ignore her now. I used to be a better friend. But she complains to me and when I asked cna for help she says no I am fine to the cna. I shrug. I am disgusted that she will not get changed,sits and urinates all over. They finally tossed the pad on her wheelchair. She wore same shirt for months only taking it off for shower which was not often. No cna made her be cleaner. I told her straight it stinks of urine in here. She said I had sensitive nose and always nauseated.
She fought her daughter on wearing new shirts she got her.They were same kind but not that one.
Living with all this is difficult. I get it. But I do not want to live with it.
I am now Trying to get in a place with private room.
I hope by facing this side of myself, I will be able to rise above and not allow these things to take hold of me. I pray I can see people as He does and use my own suffering to care more. This is so hard.
Wow just browsing and found the American Stroke Association Magazine called Stroke Connection which is free publication and I was so happy to browse through the online magazine. Lots of info. I feel good reading updated stuff issues and the personal stories.
I often feel I do not have anyone around that understands stroke to teach me. In fact I am the one trying to get them to learn.
I got more PT hooray. I had a sub for one session and I walked on treadmill for second time. She toned it down because I was so sore last time.
Pain doc ordered rx of additional patch of fentanyl but never got a preauth fom insurance. I will be going back without results of that trial. I have been 2 months on fentanyl patch 25mg and I need norco around the clock. It makes me nod. I do not like that. I think I will live with that no matter what I use. I hate the preauth nonsense.
My roomie who was not eating now drinks shakes and liquids. I have been hearing her laugh and make sounds of displeasure. She smiles and waves to me. Her eyes are so bright and lively. Her daughter insisted she be taken out of bed three times per week and the cnas were told,but they only did it once.
The state came and asked questions like did they brush her teeth. They dont but the cna lied.
My other roomie does not either. I lectured her about it,losing her teeth,false teeth,and so she got a toothbrush kit and brushed her teeth for the first time in ages. But the next night she did not. Oh well.
I applied for assisted living complex. Kinda farther for kids to visit but I hope to get it. A nurse has to come evaluate me. It is a process.
I tslked to a bingo friend and told her about vestibular therapy. She wants to do it too.
I hope to go see holiday lights.
She stayed a few minutes. She said the Dining room incident was all about providing the gentleman in the big wheelchair a place in the dining room. She said it was good that they reserved the table now to avoid any future problems. She suggested I get counseling.
I upset her when I said she sounds like she works with them here. She denied it. I said my side again that the dining room is large enough to put two tables together anywhere and did not need the spot where i was sitting. I said the only counseling I needed was legal.
Then I told her that the cable company requires a new box to view channels we used to get but now are inaccessible without that box. The cable co installed the boxes but not on my tv. The cable guy said he had a map of what tvs to install a box. We looked at it and some rooms had 1 and some had 2 boxes ordered. I spoke to my social worker who said that there was nothing she could do. I asked what possible reason will they come up with for depriving me from having a box. I do not watch the shows roomie watches all the time.
My son bought me an amazon gift card so I can keep up with a show ending and stream it on my phone.
I am disappointed. I am not getting supported by this volunteer helper. I wonder How in the world their side of the story seems reasonable when to tables had been put together next to where I was sitting with 2 other people. Those people in wheelchairs. Not one witness for me.
A nice woman from the State came this morning to ask about our poor Roommate that does not eat. She came in our room,looked around. And what did she see? The newly frail woman Just flat in bed as usual. The room was dark because the window blinds were closed. She walked in alone when our cna was in another room helping the Woman across the way who keeps her tv on Loud all night,then wakes yelling "who turned off my tv" when a cna turns it off when she is asleep and no one else around here is. So the lady went over and asked the speechless Roomie questions,then went in the hall To find her cna. I overheard her questioning him. She asked if he helped her brush her teeth in the morning and how that went. He said Yes. So then she asked to see her toothbrush and kit. He said it was in a dresser but it was not so he left to get one. While he was gone lady asked roomie who lived with her 4 years. She asked if she ever saw her get help brushing her teeth. The answer was No! Then she asked a question about that roomie and asked her if she went in the bathroom and brushed her own teeth and the answer was yes.
Ok so no cna has Ever helped either one of these women brush their teeth. And that one has never since I got here ever gone into the bathroom and she Never brushes her teeth. She told me her wheelchair gets stuck oin the bathroom,toothpaste irritates her mouth,and toothbrush makes her gums bleed. I have wondered more than once as I scrub my own teeth about never seeing any cna on any shift assisting with or mentioning anything about brushing teeth.
Not surprising for this five star home in prestigious neighborhood to get away this stuff. Who would believe people do not get basic decency care.
They are announcing an all staff meeting right now.
That womans family has had complaints. I passed along the state persons business card. So i wonder because she was hospitalized with teeth and jaw infection stuff.
So after state showed up, the cna liar brushed her teeth and we could hear her choke because she does not spit. They dressed her up, did up her hair,washed her face,and made up her bed all nice. The blinds were opened.
The cna came over and started to pull my bed curtain around my bed but I said no stop. He went back in hall. It was noisy out there with them talking in their not English. I saw some familiar faces from the diningroom horror when they wheeled the woman back after she vomited out in common room. They cannot come in my room. They went to the room next door. They were gathering for some pow wow.
I already know how they lie. I hope they do not get away with stuff with this sweet woman who had a stroke and loves to play peekaboo with me.
Then amazing. I never saw so many visitors to her bedside. A doc came, a dietitian the social work crew,the activities director, SLP. Our room has been a depot here. Then the dietitian came in told nurse to give her the nutrition shakes.
I just hope they take good care of her,better care of her. The other roomie makes up stories, gives people who ask her stuff lots of misinformation.
I truly hope I kicked a hornets nest here when I made complaint to state. I hope they will look into every dark corner.