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I've Been Quiet Here...Feeling Like an Update

Time has passed well slowly or is it rather quickly...hmm times are confusing these days. I suppose that question depends on the day. It's not hard to recognize that the world is a bit out of kilter this year and I hope going forward we as people take the best we can from it. Finding peace has never started out being calm most times. Change is hard but it is a good teacher or reminder. I suppose as for me, I am oddly calm inside...watching the world around me in a kind of slow motion...observing

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Fate...Sometimes It's Such a Small World

It's been quite a while friends...since I have blogged. It's been a tough 6 months and I have struggled with depression and increased anxiety. I am very hopeful...little by little I feel better and I keep busy. Recently, I had an issue with a charge from Microsoft so I called and spoke with a gentleman who transferred me to Payments and billing. I talked to a nice young man named David. He had a pleasant accent, maybe British. I set about explaining my issue...this can be difficult for me and th

Fear Chaos Corona - 2020 (I bet I remember this forever)

What can I say... So far 2020 has been earth shaking. Let me warn you before reading: these are my thoughts, my experiences, my worries and where I find my mind these days. This is not meant to add to the fear and chaos or to bring a negative light toward anyone. My words come from me and if you are sensitive to hearing someone's honest, transparent and straightforward thoughts then this may not be for you.    I try to remember January. I don't remember what day I heard the news of a n

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It's Almost Christmas

It's hard to believe I've been absent from the forums for the past few months. I'm still hosting M & W chat in the afternoons. I enjoy giving time here at Strokenetwork. I have just needed a break. It's been a little long longer than I expected and may not be finished yet. SAD (Seasonal Affective Disorder) has been really tough this year, unfortunately. A few med changes and hopefully soon starting light therapy. I've been keeping to myself but also keeping busy with crafts and DIY stuf

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The Chapter is Beginning

Well I am finally in my new home...well new for me. Still getting settled. I've met a very kind and smart doggie he is a chiwuawua. He comes to visit me if i'm outside at night sometimes. All I have to say is "Go home." and off he goes. My neighbors on the other side of the duplex do not like me i dont think. I had some issues with the parking situation when i first came. It is just one lady that lives there she is mentally challenged and requires assistance 24/7 so there are always at least 3 e

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I am Sad... I am Angry... I Don't Know What I Should Do

The past few days have been tense. My Dad and my Stepmom hold secrets. During this time when we all feel so lost and vulnerable and want/need transparency. When my Dad was in the hospital (Vanderbilt) and was told for the 2nd time "You have cancer" we were all (including all the Specialist and Doctors) so happy to hear "It's not metastasized lung cancer... It is altogether a different cancer". That is HOPE. Just that knowledge. My sister was at the hospital a lot. Not me, I was sick with strep t

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Daddy Has Second Chemo... Harsh Stuff

Yesterday my dad had his 2nd round of chemo (4 different kinds of chemo drugs). He was shaky and weak when he got home yesterday. At 5 this morning my stepmom wakes me up in a frenzy. Daddy had fallen in the restroom and she couldn't get him up and he didn't have the strength to help. Plus he went to the restroom without his oxygen so he was running out of air. It took us both 15 more minutes before we got him up on the shower stool my stepmom had grabbed out of the tub. He seemed OK, no broken

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The Chapter is Beginning

I have worked so hard, waited so long, dreamed so much, needed so much and I feel the page turning. I have such an overwhelming feeling that the page is turning, the Chapter is ending and a new one is beginning. I am full of anticipation, gratitude, excitement and fear. For the first time really... This chapter is about me. I can't explain my feelings... I am closing my eyes and letting each one wash over me. I feel it coming. It's overwhelming. For some reason even though I have fear I am not a

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More and More Scientific Information on CCAS

I had a massive bilateral cerebellar infarct in the PICA region. Since July 5, 2015 a whirlwind of things happened and eventually after a very long evaluation from a Neuropsychogist... I was diagnosed with CCAS or Cerebellar Cognitive Affectice Syndrome. I still have deficits that are not considered as part of CCAS symptoms but this diagnosis (which may I add is extremely accurate according to what happens to me daily) has been quite the controversy. Something a stroke survivor never wants. My e

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April 2019...A Month and Year for Change!

My heart is all a-flutter as I write this. I have so much on my mind, so much happening... Life is moving right along. I come here first to share... You guys are family. I am practically giddy with anticipation. I also tell my local stroke support group but I only see them once a month. I tell my mom, my sister and friends I keep in touch with. Where to begin... My new runs the gamut. Very good to very not so good. I'll just begin... Good first!    First, Spring is coming! I am utterly

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Spring is Sprung... When Life Gives You Lemons Pick a Pretty Bouquet

I can't believe April is here already. 🌷 Spring Fever has spun its' spell. Flowers are popping up to smile at the sun and trees are budding and flowering preparing to burst into life. I really like this time of year... It's a time of new and fresh... New beginnings and new adventures. The drab of winter is replaced over a few weeks with color, warmth, joyful beginnings, everyone is looking up to the sunshine even the flowers, inner hopes start to infuse many... A virtual treat for the senses. Mo

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February 2019

It's been a while since I have written. Things are changing...some good some not so good but I'm rolling with it. I am happy to say I have started to volunteer here on Strokenet as a Chat Host since the passing of our friend Denny. This is for you Denny and all the other great members here at Strokenet. I hope I do it justice. So far it's been a joy and I have caught back up with some chat friends I haven't seen in a while. I welcome any of you to join us in Survivor Chat Room #2...my schedule i

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New Beginnings and Old History

I think 2019 could hold so many happy beginnings. I'm excited, a little scared, feel blessed and look forward...something I haven't done in a long time. I have never lived alone! Believe it or not I'm 47 and have always lived with someone else. For the first time ever I am really looking forward to living with just me. 🙂 (and Kitty) I'm trying to take in all the new things happening since I was approved for disability. SSI, Medicaid, SSDI, Medicare, retroactive benefits...it's all a lot. So I'm

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Thinking Out Loud

*First let me put a disclaimer here. I am going to talk about faith (religion if I may) as it applies to me. I never want to make another feel that I am weighing their faith or lack of in any way than my own. I believe in acceptance and only strength in whatever faith you may practice. I love you just the same. If this will cause a negative feeling in someone please feel free to click out now. I would never want that. I made a blog post yesterday that stated God had given me a gift. Just so

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God has granted a gift.

It's been close to 3 long years since I began my application for disability. I never wanted to apply. I never wanted to be in a situation where I was in need of such a thing. It's taken a long time to accept. So I have lived with my dad, depended on my mom, got transportation from my sister. I have been on the roller coaster of after stroke effects, dealing with my family's judgements about these and after seeing my Psychiatrist for over 3 years every other month hearing him say you won't be abl

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Socializing and Lack There Of

Since my stroke I have changed tremendously. I was always the extrovert social butterfly. Easily talking to anyone, making friends easily, sometimes dramatic lol...I enjoyed expressing myself. Today I am not that person anymore. I'm skiddish, awkward, easily startled, get stuck in silent mode when spoken to or stutter, a loner, don't like noise or movement or lights or the dark or people. 😧 I do love when my kitty is around me. I enjoy talking on the phone sometimes. I manage to enjoy my local s

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Making Plans Can Be Intimidating

It's ironic...I write in my blog here but my hopes of beginning my own website and blog scare me to death. I've not studied anything about doing this before. I have made a Pinterest account where I am saving every idea and bit of information I can...to a locked board. I am averaging 1-2 new subscribers a day. I try to engage people when they are interested, follow back, pin back, and I try to pin with purpose. Honestly, I don't know what the heck I'm doing. It's still a personal account but I ha

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I Think I Won!!!

I just wanted to share my long awaited happy news. I had my disability hearing Thursday and my lawyer says he is 99% positive that I won my case. He is only not saying yes you won because the judge did not directly say that in those words. The testimony questions and answers back and forth between the vocational expert and the judge ended with "There are no employable positions in the general area for Ms Miller". The judge ended the hearing at that statement. My lawyer who has 35 years experienc

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Finding the Strength to Let Go an Realize That I have No Control Over Anyone or Anything Except Myself

I'm embarrassed to say that you know I'm going to vent when I visit my blog. 😁 I do figure things out though, get a better understanding for my own sanity and well I am much better when I let it out. So, again, here's a warning beforehand that there may be some venting. That way if you are not wanting to hear it then please click out. I say that in a nice way.  I never thought I had an issue with control...but I do. Maybe it comes with good intentions but really does no good for me or anyon

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I Am Struggling With Something I Don't Like About Myself

So many things have happened in the past 6 months. Difficult things and good things. Where do I begin. It's weird I can't remember a clear time line but just facts. Let's just see how much I recall. I was diagnosed with Diabetes the first of January...not 6 months ago but it is never ending. Good news is that I first was testing 6.9 on my A1C and I think in August at my 2nd class we checked again and it was 6.3! This was a really positive direction for my health. I cheat though...a lot. Will it

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Feeling so Blah...Physically, Mentally, and Emotionally

Things have been a little different lately for all 3 of us here (my dad, my step mom, and me). Some good news is that my dad has finished his course of radiation and chemotherapy. It is now a waiting game...probably another 3 weeks until he has the all important PET scan to see if it did it's job. My dad worries...this waiting is hard for him. He tries to put a mask on but it falls off at times...he gets grumpy, angry about waiting, impatient, and well down right mean at times.  My stepmom

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The Monster of Stroke...What I See After Battling One

I came here this morning to share something happening in front of me...it affects my stepmom and her ex-husband's family who she has remained close to. Life happens sometimes in a way so beyond what we can control. My stepmom's ex brother-in-law has been ill the past two months and having serious heart issues. Eventually he needed heart surgery and when he was in the middle of it a clot formed in the circulation machine that traveled to his brain and caused a massive stroke. 😔 It kills me knowin

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Noticing Something About Myself...Not Sure How I Feel About It

Has anyone said to you, "It's all about you.". I have had this statement said to me numerous times. Today I have been thinking...Do I make others feel this way? Am I egocentric? Do I lack empathy or maybe sympathy? You get the picture I'm sure. There are things I have noticed about myself since the stroke: I talk a lot about myself and the stroke or stroke effects left over. I get on my own nerves sometimes. There are certain things that I feel indifferent about. My stepmom hoards (cleanly but h

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Another Late Night With My Thoughts and Stuff

So here I am. It's 11:23pm and I'm fidgety, awake, and drowning in needless thought. I'm in a state of anxiety for what I feel is no reason. I can't sit or lay still. I am weirdly hungry like ravenous and I just want to eat again and again...but nothing satisfies me. I lay my head down on my pillow and then pick it up then lay it down again over and over trying to find a "comfortable" spot. So now I'm sitting up. LOL sorry if this is boring but I just need to get anxious movement and thought out

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Update on Life

Things are finally calming down after my brother's death. Still no full answers yet from autopsy but hopefully not too long now. Tomorrow his daughter gives birth to his 3rd grandchild (a boy). It may freshen some raw feelings but all in all it will be a really wonderful day. My dad is actually doing really great during his radiation and chemotherapy...no sickness or really bad side effects. He is just over half way through. I'm so glad he's doing well.   Me...I am finally calming a bi

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