I hate that I can leave a positive post one day and then am miserable and need to let it out (though it may be negative) the next day. My moods and emotions go from one extreme to the other even though I see my Psychiatrist every 2 months and am medicated with what has worked the best so far. I still can't control it at times. Ughhhh anger/frustration/depression/feeling alone/feeling like nobody...and I think to myself why do I let something so simple so nothing sometimes to affect me. It just does...whether I am aware or do things to prevent or control it...whether I try coping skills or positive self talk. I can just end up in a blubbering mess of lonely tears. Here is an example: My dad is finally selling an older model Monte Carlo that sits under the two car carport and never moves to my nephew. I was shocked and utterly excited. I was so happy that nose I could park under the carport because the birds use my car as a bullseye or their lavatory in other words and I have difficulty finding the energy or coordination to wash it myself...oh and I am unemployed and broke always (still working diligently on disability). That means no car wash places for me. Ok back again to the parking situation. If you don't already know let me explain that I live with my dad while I am going through the disability process. Anyways, I was so thrilled that I could park under cover. My step mom smiled and spoke loudly to my father (he can't hear a thing) about my excitement and he promptly said noooo you put your suv under there. My stepmom has 2 vehicles but doesn't use her suv. His reaction hit me like a ton of bricks which I think is crazy on my part. I immediately welled up with tears and felt so alone so invisible. I finished cleaning the dishes in the kitchen where I stood and then scurried to my bed to log on and release this yucky. I'm probably taking a nap in a few moments to refuel. Again this is me using my blog as purgatory. Maybe in a couple of hours I will do something fun.
Entries in this blog
Tonight I went to a special stroke support meeting where a stroke trained Neurolgist was our guest speaker. Even after all I have read and been through it was really an enlightening experience. As I listened to some statistics it made me feel so sad inside. I truly wanted to cry for myself and the many many thousands that experience stroke each year. That doesn't even include the many many thousands who are just affected by someone they know or love having a stroke. Did you know that 795,000 Americans will have a new or recurrent stroke this year. This only includes Americans!!!! Stroke is the #5 cause of death in the US, killing more than 133,000 per year. That is 1 in 20 deaths. More than 690,000 per year of US strokes are caused when a clot cuts off blood flow to a part of the brain. IV-alteplase can be administered in select patients within 4.5 hours of stroke onset. Mechanical thrombectomy (much newer and the newest research and procedure) can be performed up to 24 hours after stroke begins in select patients. Learn and share the warning signs of strokes (not all but most kinds fit this). Spot a stroke F.A.S.T. F~face drooping...A~arm weakness...S~speech difficulty...T~time to call 911. Don't wait remember the T.
I encourage you to visit www.stroke.org and click Menu and then Understand Stroke. Be sure to open all the blue subjects with arrows beside them and refresh what you probably have read before. Even though, it is still staggering. Like I said before these statistics are only for the US. Well I know so many of you who are from other countries. The magnitude of this realization is unexplainable for me. The impact is mind blowing. In the US, stroke is #5 cause of death and #1 cause of long term disability. Speechless.
I had several questions for the Neurologist concerning my own type of stroke in the posterior region of brain blood flow. I had a cerebellar stroke (2% of all strokes and probably less % for mine which was bilateral). Just as I have found within the medical community the cerebellum is the least known about part of the brain. For more than 20 years there has been much research into the higher learning affects cerebellar damage can cause. I was diagnosed with Cerebellar Cognitive Affective Syndrome during my second year post stroke by my Neuropsychologist. This syndrome is a much studied and debated subject. Many physicians are either unaware of new findings or fail to accept and follow the progression of research. This makes it really difficult for someone like me to get consistent up to date care...the Neurologist acknowledged my concern as truth. I was emotionally overwhelmed at the moment. Validation is life changing sometimes for a stroke survivor. I personally thanked him after the seminar and he gave me some Medical contacts that could be truly beneficial for my issues and background. This was a most informative, and truthfully enlightening seminar. I just had to share.
It's been a different spring into summer this year. Things are just different. It's been a year since I moved from Nashville and away from who I thought I would be with forever at one time. I see my Psychiatrist every two months and tell him every time that my dreams haunt me. I dream about Adrian almost every night...not the "I want to be with you" dreams but dreams that don't feel good. I can't explain...My dreams can be scary real feeling since my stroke many times I have to wake up well before I realize it's not real. They can also color my mood for the day. I also have unavoidable thoughts of him constantly. Again not the "I want to be with you" thoughts but just in my mind thoughts. I physically try to stop them. My Dr. says it's called rumination and a part of my anxiety disorder. He told me when I get my disability and insurance happens we are going to get me into cognitive therapy which will help me cope better. I guess that is another thought that goes through my mind constantly...Will my disability hearing be positive. I am scared. I hate to admit that but I am. Today I started watching my two nieces every other week for the summer. They are good kids and if they get a little rowdy I just talk to them about how it affects me and they are always eager to make the moment better. I have to admit though that even though we relaxed and had a calm day I am still blah. It means that I feel more exhausted than usual, have a headache, stuttering, dizzy, just good old brain fog and have had to lay down just to rest...still need dinner and meds and getting ready for bedtime before sleeping. It's been super hot this year...It seems more hot than I remember for a good while. My body does not like it. Fibromyalgia...heat, stress, weather, getting sick, and a plethora of other things can set off a flare. For those that have this....My shoulders, neck, back, hips, elbows, knees, stomach are all unhappy the past few days. I am tired of my whining lol...oh well at least my blog doesn't have to be for everyone sometimes just for me. I have fallen down the stairs again...but I have to do laundry (it's downstairs) lol thankfully no tumbling just missed a step. One great thing is that I have slept through the night for the past 4 days! This is a fantastic achievement because my sleep cycle has been way off for 6 months now. I'm stoked! It should only get better from here since I will need to be ready for the girls by 7:30am at least every other week. This blog is so random...My apologies. I've had so much on my mind lately and been a bit moody so I just have to let it out. My dad has to get a biopsy on his lung (a spot on) next week. Already had a PET scan and it's suspicious. The wonderful thing is that he hasn't smoked in 5-6 days! That is major because he has smoked since he was a teen and he just turned 75...even after a heart attack and 5 bypasses he still wouldn't quit. I'm praying this will last. Not only does my father need a biopsy for lung cancer but also has COPD now and is on oxygen. I'm trying to tell him and myself that there is nothing we can do right now and worry will be useless but that is easier said than done. I just pray. As for my summer may I find some time and energy for fun...make some new memories.
Boy, I have read back through some of my replies lately and wow I have had a lot to say. I am going to call it passionate response. I am so happy that I have an outlet with Strokenet and now another with my local stroke group. I have a lot to say and have a lot of thoughts that I can be really passionate about. I sometimes want to do more...educate others...help improve medical therapies...bring light to subjects about stroke that seem to be put on the back burner. I know I am extra passionate about the type of stroke I had. Also that I am 45 (42 when I stroked) and looked over because of my age which played a part in not being diagnosed until 2 months later. Statistics say that in a research group of 2000 consecutive cerebellar stroke patients (1987) had a mortality rate (23%) almost twice that of cerebral strokes (12.5%) and brainstem strokes (17%). These of course may be different now 20 years later. But it shows you that cerebellar stroke is no joke. Part of the problem is the difference in cerebellar stroke symptoms and the problem with missed diagnosis. I think about this when I think back to my missed diagnosis. I was sent home in less than 48 hours of having a massive stroke. In cerebellar stroke the days after the stroke (1st week) are the most dangerous. The swelling in this area due to tissue death and damage can lead to serious and deadly impacts. Swelling and edema in this area can lead to herniation of the cerebellar brain tissue up or down, can obstruct the 4th ventricle causing direct brainstem compression. This can lead to deadly herniation of the cerebellar tonsils into the foramen Magnus. All in all this can lead to death. Phew...I need to shop. 😡
The last 2-2.5 months I've been dealing with a throat issue. Chronic hoarseness, ear pain, and my throat stinging. A couple of weeks ago I went to an ENT who looked in my throat and at my vocal cords. He seems to think my vocal cords have thrush from my asthma inhaler so he had me take a 2 week course of Diflucan. A month ago I filled out paperwork for financial assistance at Vanderbilt for this procedure and any ongoing appointments or therapy I may have. I got the letter today telling me I have been denied. I had a pretty quick response and welled up with tears. This just reminds me that I have no insurance because I can't work and am still going through the disability process. I've been dealing with some depression over the past 4 months and I am trying to get on top of it. Today just hit the wrong way and makes me feel more depressed and upset. I feel like I am feeling sorry for myself or whining. It's just been such a long disability process and I have been through some pretty rough things the past year. It adds up....especially since the stroke. I just feel so tired. I'm sleeping more and more I think. Just want to be asleep. So that's where I am today and I'm hoping I can turn these feelings around soon.
I did something I wish I had not yesterday. It started with a Dr. appointment to an ENT due to chronic hoarseness, ear, and throat pain I have been having since January. Seems my asthma inhaler (has a steroid in it) has caused a yeast infection(thrush) on my vocal cords and folds and will probably only need a script for Diflucan. Then I got in my car and drove to where I used to live last year. I got out of the car...knocked on the door...and Adrian answered and invited me in. For those of you that don't know Adrian was the man I had lived with and loved for 10 years until May 18, 2017. Adrian began seeing a girl 30 years his junior, I freaked and had moved out that same week, the next day she moved in, and I have been recovering and mourning since. Today I know in my heart that it is over for the best. But I Drove there. We chatted for about 15 minutes and I said goodbye and left. I have been in a state of confusion since. Emotions washing over me. I don't know why I went. I feel like I have walked backwards a bit. This life is about me...that is where I have wanted it since I left. My insides are nauseous. I am disappointed in myself. I am worthy of someone truly loving me. I deserve no less. I can make it by myself. I should love me first. I know these realities are true even if I am telling myself again.
I also noticed somethings today not connected wit the words above. I am dizzy...all the time...I have learned very well how to mask this even to myself. I go into a store and I am working non stop to go through the motions and never acknowledging that I am dizzy. It exhausts me...it changes me for the rest of my day. I can honestly feel not dizzy when I am sitting in a quiet familiar place or lying down. I can't look up, around, far away, down, at moving people...things, lights flickering or moving, walk up or down any stairs alternating feet or without holding a handrail, be or walk in open spaces or large spaces and many many more without vertigo/dizziness, sometimes nausea, many times wit an altered since of stability, feeling my brain slow, lull, get heavier as well as my eyes. It's so constant that I have learned over time how to cope and get through it. It's not the same plane I used to be on. It's alternate, changed, hard work... Depressing. I can't change it. I can't avoid it. I can't escape it. I have learned to be in it. For my sanity as well as for others. I felt it today. It's the loneliest feeling...like I'm separated from my world by glass. I can see and sense all past the glass but no one else can see in. Alone is scary. Do any of you ever feel this disconnect or something similar?
I am sick yet again. In the hospital for 4 days at New Years which took me a month to regain my strength. (Steroids during) My back went out in February and on steroids again. Diagnosed with Diabetes 2 during hospital stay. Chronic harshness, throat pain and ear ache but not really sick since mid February. I have to see an ENT on the 23rd to figure out what's wrong. Then Sunday get an extremely sore throat and coughing, now stuffy nose, ear aches, headache, phlegm . I feel like poop. Another round of steroids which will make my blood sugar out of site once again. I am just whining but dang. What is happening?
It's been a while since I've written a blog and been really active on the site. First of all I miss those of you I know here but I have been sort of recovering and regrouping after leaving Adrian and moving back into my Dad's house. There has been a lot of positive...my anxiety has been less, I have my own transportation, I am still waiting for the second round of disability decisions, I am close to family, my daughter is doing wonderful and is so good to me sending me $50 every other week to help me, I've been making my own choices, I even have my sleep so much better now getting to bed between 8:30 and 10. So many good things. Something has happened though 4 different times which I need to get off my chest. My Dad and I get along most of the time but he is a huge trigger at times and can evoke a pretty big anxiety attack in me at times. Once because he told me not to put my hair up in a pony tail anymore that my step mom had cut my hair and "the pony tail looked like *beep*". It was an immediate trigger and I couldn't stop the attack. I finally got to my room took my anxiety medication and finally fell asleep. A second time was him telling me "If that guy called right now I bet you would go back to him because you are stupid.". He wouldn't stop even when I begged him. I ended up half blindly driving to where my step mom is staying at my Grandmother's so I could calm down. Both of the other 2 times have been about my weight. I have gained 50 pounds since my stroke. I joined a gym a week ago so I can be healthier which hopefully will help my weight as well. He has called me fat, told me I don't care about how I look, told me he wouldn't leave me alone, to go ahead and cry until I can't cry anymore because he doesn't care, more times that I am stupid. I can't stay at the house when he gets like that because he won't stop and the anxiety attack just gets worse and worse. Each time I have gone to my Grandmother's...each time right in the middle of a pretty severe anxiety attack. It's wearing on me. I find myself just silent and to myself more and more. My Psychiatrist is concerned...he made the statement "You fell from the frying pan onto the stove.". He shows more compassion and care than any Doctor I have ever had and we talk about what my future plans are and he encourages me. I just needed to get this off my chest. My hope is that in the future I will live by myself and make all my choices and be free of the hot spots. It won't be perfect but I think I would feel so much better.
Today I am officially a member of a health club!! My daughter is the best! I went into this big bright workout space and toured Planet Fitness. I go back at 1:00 today to go over what I am looking for and to make goals. I can't wait! This will give me several things. 1st and foremost working on getting healthier and with that I hope to lose the weight I have put on since the stroke and maybe even more. This is also a way for me to spend some of my day. I need so much to 'get out'. I have time everyday to work on my goals and just enjoy a new atmosphere all at the same time. I am so excited I just wanted to share!
I am here forcing myself to write because I just haven't felt like it but it is good. The last month has been extraordinarily hard and lonely. It's funny how a person really takes on a companion's or spouse's likes and dislikes. Ok at least for me it is. I have pondered on who is Tracy many times this month and what do I like and what do I not like. For the most part I can tell that my partner and my daughter were my big triggers for panic attacks. I have really only had 2 which is better than it has been. My obsessive/compulsive thoughts are less than before I left. I still have fatigue, night time vision problems, a slight stutter, some balance issues, and headaches.
So I will talk about the bad first. Before I moved from my home and from Adrian, my days were unpredictable and I wondered if we were good. I was paranoid about what he did all the time. I was compulsive, my moods were so up and down. I do know I loved Adrian...and I still do. Unfortunately, it doesn't just stop...go away. The first week of staying with my father were excruciating. Everything I had known and depended on everyday was gone, changed, instantly not the same. I felt odd, like I was in another body...all I could do was feel pain and cry. I contemplated calling him, pleading with him to go back to what we knew...what I knew. This was so difficult not to do. My emotional lability was affected more than ever, sometimes every minute. I think that is how I took steps too...it was minute by minute...hour by hour...day by day. I thought of nothing else. No car, living back with my father, alone, no hope or vision of the future.
Day by day I began to do things. Cook my dinner, wash my clothes, make my bed, decorate my planner, and I began to have a bit of a routine. There were less bouts of crying and hopelessness though this still happened every day. My cat was scared being in a new place and I could barely find her...she would hide. I missed her going to sleep with me each night and generally being there with me. This too got better...she finally felt she had 2 rooms she could feel safe in..the formal livingroom and my bedroom. Then one morning I woke with her laying sleeping by my head. I really almost cried. I still didn't have my own transportation for the first 3 and half weeks. My sister was so wonderful to let me take her 2nd car that she didn't use as my own. It was a nice SUV but had sat for about a year and it had problems now. My mom had it towed to her mechanic and he began working on it until finally one day my mom and step dad surprised me with it. Wow what a day! To feel a kind of freedom for myself meant so much!
I drove for two days before it broke down again and back to the mechanic it went. My mom and step dad were paying to have this vehicle fixed safe for me. I am truly blessed that I came here with 0 (NOTHING) and no way of attaining funds for myself. What a wonderful family I really do have...a place to live because of my father, a car because of my sister, and a working car and even some spending money because of my mom and step dad. I sat back and thought about each thing and how blessed I really am. I am still lonely and it feels hollow. I probably call my mother and step mother more times per week than any person should lol. So slowly and carefully I am emerging...each day is a little better. I am trying to choose the positive things I remember about Adrian and I. It seems like it would be so much easier to just forget everything but after ten years I don't think you can.
"Tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all." Alfred Lord Tennyson
Peering out from the darkness, the light grows stronger.
Reaching out to feel it's warmth.
My skin begins to glow.
First, my my arm like a golden diamond with a fire in it's belly.
The velvet light and warmth creeps further up my body until it envelopes all of me.
I feel weightless, like my body is lifted by the sun's arms.
Lifting my head, I drink in all of it's energy.
I can take a clear deep breath and the light fills every crevice of my being.
Slowly rising, burning brighter. Higher and higher.
I feel the rays beaming back out into the light.
My mouth falls open to release the glorious energy.
I am the diamond with my belly burning bright with fire.
Reaching out to lighten all the shady corners.
This is my blessing.
It's been a week and a half since I moved to my Dad's. For those not aware, my partner cheated on me and is now seeing a 24 year old employee. I had to go for my own sanity. This has been the hardest thing I have experienced since my stroke and is even harder than my divorce 11 years ago. I truly love Adrian but I do not know him anymore. I must be honest the first two days at my Dad's were awful and I spent my time crying and trying to figure out how to go back and everything be right. I even texted Adrian and told him I missed home.
Last weekend I helped my parents to move my little sister into her new house (her husband and 3 boys all under 6). It is a beautiful house, a log house, and inside is so beautiful. Well instead of taking it all in I cried all weekend! After this sad weekend I started to feel a little better...crying less, thinking about the future, and feeling more comfortable at my Dad's. I think living with my Dad has brought back these feelings of not being able to live on my own. I experienced these early in my life and after my stroke. Losing your independence as an adult is so difficult and can feel so helpless. I still have no vehicle to feel some freedom in but hopefully this week that will change that.
I finally felt in myself that I can do this. Trust me that was not the case a week ago. I felt so out of place. Everything felt so wrong. So I have gone from taking things hour by hour to day by day. I can breathe easier today. I've done my change of address and went through the process of changing my address with SNAP (food stamps) and am doing my best to feel better each day. The decision to leave has been scary...I have no income, no savings, and it feels yucky but I have wonderful family. Just that is irreplaceable and a blessing.
My wonderful sister invited me to her new River House for Memorial Day Weekend. I went Friday evening and just relaxed. The next day we boated even though it was cloudy all day. Can you believe I got a sunburn! Thankfully not bad at all but really unexpected. We had delicious pulled pork BBQ that cooked all day while we were out. It also was my sister's 50th birthday and I was so glad to be there and help celebrate. It was a great weekend. I came back on Sunday and was so glad to see my kitty. My heart has felt some warmth this week. My mom also took me shopping and bought me some new clothes and 2 pairs of yellow box flip flops (they are the best!)...It meant so much to me.
I've decided how I am going to spend this time recovering. I am going to join our local rec club and work on getting healthy, work on my tan, and make my life all about me. That's my secret it gotta be all about me. Time for me to be stingy and not feel guilty. The healing has begun.
This is poetry I wrote this morning. It is dark and not beautiful but this is how I express my heartache. Inspired by something happening in my life right now. Please close if you are bothered I will speak sunshine another day.
Round and round and round we go,
A cursed circle with no control.
Weaving a web as it moves around,
Looking for trusting hearts and souls to be found.
It spins with no effort and catches its' prey,
Waiting and lying and hiding each day.
Then it spins its' catch in a safe, warm cocoon,
Laughing as he relishes the next meal coming soon.
You lie helpless and warm not a worry not a care,
Because you have no idea that you are deep in his lair.
There he nourishes you and feeds you his warm meal of lies,
Keeping you safe and well serviced...His own plan he denies.
Building and growing a bond and a trust,
Filling your dreams with what seems magical dust.
Soon there is movement and the circle speeds up,
As he spins his web to catch a new unknowing pup.
He gingerly tucks her neat and trusting in a new fluffy bed,
Not knowing behind her the innocence will shed.
It's now that I open my eyes to peer out,
To see the light fading quickly,
And there is no way out.
He rises and pierces the heart of his prey,
Excruciating, awareness no words can convey.
He devours every trust every dream and all that is good,
leaving you desperate for salvation but no one could.
Discarding the shell of who you once were,
He tip toes back and whispers to her.
Believe it or not last I think I was more motivated to get out there and plant some things and really be a caretaker myself. This year I am still planning and I am going to do it again...just flowers and herbs. I have had to talk to myself more about it and remind myself how I loved it. I already got flat leaf parsley, rosemary and oregano and my strawberry plant from last year made it through the winter and has new growth even blooming a bit. My daughter has planned today to pick me up so we can go to the garden store and buy compost, mulch and flowers...maybe a couple more herbs. I'm excited!
It's been a beautiful spring...early this year but everything is almost all lush and green. It's easier to see the beauty around you at this time of year I think. I have been thinking about what I can do different this year. I have two very large pots that now will be beside each edge of the stairway up to the porch. Today I'll look for the thrill, fill, and spill fillers. That's how the "gardeners" say to do a potted flower garden and this is what I used last year. I definitely want to do something different this year. The only other color I already have coming up is light pink day lilies so I think my options are pretty large!
Now it's time to beautify my shrub area which I did last year as well. This year is easier...I'm just hand tilling laying down some compost and tilling it in and then covering with beautiful red mulch (I know they say red mulch is not the best but it looks beautiful and all i have in that area are shrubs and 2 day lilies. I did do something different for this year. I went to my local grocery store and asked if they could donate some paper bags to put down as my weed barrier and they were glad to. I have never done this but determined to this year! Wish me luck.
Spring has started out with a big bang as we celebrated Easter at my moms house this past Sunday. It was so much fun watching the little ones hunt for eggs in the yard. I also helped my mom by making treats for the big day and they are super cute! We couldn't have asked for better weather...it was beautiful and not too hot all day!! I also got to show off my new car! I am still loving it so much. I went and visited my great grandmother, my step-mom, and my Daddy earlier in the day and we had an Easter lunch. All in all it really was a wonderful day! I'll add some pictures of the treats below.
What can I say it has been a rough week. This week for some reason I fell depressed and anxious...to the point where I did nothing for 4 days or maybe 5. I did see my Psychiatrist and we discussed all of these issues. For the first time since I have seen Dr. Chalfant, I broke down in his office. I just couldn't stop it from coming and my answers seemed to all be "I don't know". Even on beautiful days getting out of bed or just not sleeping was a huge challenge. I have been doing a lot of thinking and reflection to try and give myself some possible answers so I can start that steep climb out.
One: time has changed figuratively and literally. The spring time change is usually very positive for me but this year it was harder than I can ever remember. Two: Hailey moved into her own apartment and she is really enjoying it but I think this is affecting me way more than I realize. Three: Adrian is working the longest hours every day and he is exhausted. His work week is like up at 4am...work til 6pm or 7pm...eat...have ice cream...and pass out (over and over and over). Four: The double whammy...because I am here by myself so much like all the time. Hailey is gone, Adrian is a visitor and I am lonely.
I think these things have made me blue. I also do believe that my anxiety has been higher recently. I have had minor medication changes but anything even small can have its' effects. No matter, I have to climb out of this. It doesn't just disappear without my effort. So I have been trying to pay close attention to my daily schedule and make myself do things. Replacement is not always the answer but I have to start somewhere. I have been making myself get outside and do little things like pick up twigs, tidy the gardening things, put up a small bird feeder and trying to make plans for this years gardening projects.
Today I am feeling a bit better...more hopeful. I have reflected on how much improvement I have accomplished since the stroke happened. It's hard for me to remember but I am making a point to do so. I sometimes don't give myself enough thought or credit for the hurdles I have crossed. I went from the inability to walk except barely with a walker to a gardener, home cook, a driver, a walker on my own two feet, a blogger, a planner whether I get it all done or not. I have a lot of triumphs I can be proud of. My desire to improve is still there. My need to learn about myself is forefront and I stop to see the beautiful things that I once didn't think about. The light at the end of the tunnel is getting brighter. I believe that sometimes we need to do before we reap internal feeling. Push through...fight...believe all whether we see the positive or not. It will catch up and wash over you.
It has been a week since my daughter moved out of our house and into her own apartment. I never knew it would be so difficult LOL.
First she was having a lot of anxiety about packing and I helped her but she avoided this right until the last moment. This meant spending a long night up really late packing boxes that could have been done much earlier but we did it. It then meant the next morning we woke early and she went and got her keys and officially signed the lease and actually found out where she was and if it was 1st or 2nd floor. <- This was important because my step dad was coming to help and a lot of stairs would have been really hard not to mention I am a snail going up or down stairs and can't repeat over and over.
After loading up my step dad's truck, my car, and Hailey's boyfriend's car they took the first load to her new apartment. I stayed behind and worked on getting boxes to my livingroom so they could easily get to them. One more trip and we had everything! I went up the steps and by this time I had to just stay there while they unloaded. After this I took my daughter to buy her some groceries and some essentials she would need. We were both exhausted and at one point she just cried a little and said I just want to go home.
We walked into the new apt. and there was her boyfriend unpacking and putting things away! I was so surprised and thankful that he was so considerate and helped her. It was surreal driving back home knowing that my baby was not coming with me.
The first week has been quieter than I can ever remember. After a couple of good days of rest I began to move things into the spare room. We have a little house and al the things I didn't have space for just ended up behind a rocking chair or lining the walls. It was like I had so much more breathing room. I am still working on moving things but the difference has been phenominal.
I waited a few days before I called her to let her get settled in. We spoke for the first time amicably in a long while. I told my mom it was really nice and now we can make plans and have lunch or do things together occasionally. I miss her though...I really miss her. I do already feel less stressed. It was time and a huge stepping stone in both our lives. I'm proud of her and she has surprised me with important decisions. This helps me feel better about setting her free in this big world. I pray that she soars!
How I See My World
I look all around and it's hard to believe,
That a broken mind has set me free.
There are no agendas in my sight,
No time crunches or policies I have to fight.
Less fuss, less scurry, less stress for me,
The world is quieter and calmer than I once believed.
The wind on my face and the rustle of leaves,
Is warmer and more magical than I once conceived.
Even the blinding lights have beauty to behold,
Starbursts and halos and rainbows to unfold.
Time has more meaning and more gifts to unwrap,
No lifeless moments or thoughtless traps.
I once thought this stroke of broken life was just pain,
but I have learned to look through it and see blessings the same.
So take what is bad and turn it around,
Because life is a blessing and serenity can be found.
It's official my daughter will be moving to her own apartment in 2 weeks. She is 20 so I know at around this age more or less the want to break free. Her and I haven't got along very well this year. She has done so much to help me financially and she is just tired of not being able to use her money like she wants to. She also gets so upset with me when I just ask her a simple question. All I hear is "I'm a adult!" I think it is hard for kids to understand that once a mom always a mom. I am excited for her and proud that she is taking this big step but it's hard for her to see. I do worry like any mom would. I don't want my only daughter to struggle in the real world...we want to keep them close as long as we can. Even so I am supportive and I pray that she makes a great go of it. I wish I could help her out more than I will be able to she still needs a lot of things. My mom has 2 or 3 of everything so she is going to help a whole lot. I wish she could see my excitement for her and that I support her and love her. We've been fighting so much...my mom says its ok it will pass that this is her learning who she is and finding her independance. My mom did the same thing for me and I got married and moved to another state. It must have been hard for her. It is hard in it's on way. I can't explain it, I want her to get out there and take on the world but I am sad too.I suppose many parents feel this way when their children leave home. My mom told me a long time ago that aliens pick up your child when they are teens and bring them back usually in their early 20's. This made me laugh and is sorta fitting...bringing up a teenage girl and now a bright young woman has been some pretty hard business. I pray that she still holds my pearls of wisdom I have tried to give and can remember them when the time is needed.
Here's a poem I wrote yesterday....sorry if it it long.
Do You See Me?
Do you see me. Look here...right here. I look to your eyes searching for an answer. You look at me, or is it through me. I feel like a ghost, unseen yet in your path. Then, it happens...you walk past me or is it through me. Either way, I am but a shadow of who I used to be. Behind you I follow and tell you I'm fine. Just a lingering dark shadow behind your lit face. It's the light, then you, then me. If you only you looked back then you could see. See..."HERE BEHIND YOU!" I shout loud and clear. You just keep walking silently. I watch you and shudder from the noise all around. I'm scared and alone...just praying you'll see me. To put your hand out and catch me if I fall... or save me from my broken, loud world. It all moves past me so fast; I can't breath. I'm shaken and frightened at every turn. Praying my path, your path...will lead me into calm. Every day I fight just as hard. Today is no different as you walk in the light. Behind you I'm waiting. Look back at me. You look but all you see is a shadow...cast from the light I never see.
Tracy Miller 2-15-17
Things I am thankful for today:
1. I am thankful for my recycle bin because over the past year it has kept me busy and I think about "What am not recycling that I can?"
2. I am thankful for my 1 cup of coffee in the morning...I may limit it but each cup is like a littlle slice of heaven.
3. I am thankful for the energy I have had the last few days...I even had 2 days where I marked everything off on my To Do list.
4. I am thankful for my vacuum cleaner bought 2nd hand for $25 because it has been a powerhouse for the past 4 years...a great buy!
5. I am thankful for the mild weather we have had this winter because I can get out and enjoy the outdoors often.
Yay I remembered Sunday's list!!! This has been a week of gratitude that I might just have to keep doing every day!
I missed a day again so here goes:
1. I am thankful I still have a few friends that care about me even if they don't call.
2. I am for my vacuum because believe it or not my kitty loves to be vacuumed and this surely cuts down on flying fur.
3. I am thankful for fresh berries because nothing tastes so fresh and delicious.
4. I am thankful for my medication because without it I would be a whole different person in a bad way.
5. I am thankful my neighbors who have been so kind to me.
6. I am thankful for Landlor and friend because he has been so flexable working with us during such a hard time.
7. I am thankful for the memories I have of me before the stroke. This has been a hard one. At one time I wished I didn't remember but they help me strive a little harder.
8. I am thankful for my team of therapists who literally helped me stand and walk on my own two feet. I learned so much from all of them.
9. I am not thanful that I endured a stroke but I am thankful for how I look at my immediate world differently now. I appreciate things I never thought about before.
10. I am thankful for the birds and squirrels that visit my yard every morning because kitty loves to watch them as much as I do.
Today is Sunday so I will have to try and remember to come back tonight and write todays gratitudes.
Today has been a very productive day for me. All but 1 thing on my list is done even baking a loaf of bread!
1. I am thankful for the internet which is weird but I learn a lot of things from there, you guys are here, and sometimes it's what I CAN do.
2. I am thankful for sun setting we had a beautiful horizen this evening and I took pictures.
3. I am thankful for the energy I have had today it's added to how I feel about myself .
4. I am thankful for planning a day ahead it's not so far that I won't know what to write but helps me stay on schedule.
5. I am thankful for my hands because I could not have made bread without them.
I hope everyone has had a great day!
1. I am grateful for my Psychiatrist who has helped me tremendously. He helps me feel less crazy and I mean that.
2. I am grateful for my bathtub because it can always help me when I need to get warm, relax, have less body pain, and ofcourse clean body and hair!
3. I am thankful that I can cook dinner for the most part this makes me feel useful.
4. I am thankful for my friend and aquaintances I have met here you guys rock and help me more than you'll ever know.
5. I am thankful for my sister because she is always there for me and makes me feel normal if there is such a thing.
Gratuity doesn't have to be something big or life changing. It can be anything...the wind, the sun, a card, a friend, a cake you love, anything .
I missed yesterday so I am doing 10 for today .
1. I am thankful for my legs because I still get pretty much where I want to be.
2. I am thankful for the rain and thunder today it was soft and didn't scare me and I took a wonderful nap.
3. I am so very thankful for my bed I LOVE my bed!
4. I am thankful for my neighbors on both sides pets ( doggies) who have become my friends and let me visit with them.
5. I am thanful for my coat that my mom gave me for my birthday it fits and looks great and I love wearing it.
6. I am thankful for my night light because I depend on it in the dark when I wake up (I don't see very well in the dark at all but light is something I can focus on.)
7. I am thankful for my daughter because she took so much care of me when I had the stroke even when it was really tough. I love her.
8. I am thankful for root beer because I love it sooooo much lol.
9. I am thankful for my mom and step dad because they are helping me with some important stuff. I love them.
10. I am thankful for Adrian when he helps me feel safe when it storms (I hear one coming).
What are you guys thankful for?
I have been so blue lately and one thing I did when I first had the stroke was the 5 things a day gratitude list. This is my challenge to myself to complete 1 week of my own list of gratitude (5 a day). I think this is good for me.
1. I am thankful for my mom because I know I can always go to her even when I can't to anyone else and she loves and helps me.
2. I am thankful for our car...we only have 1 between 3 adults but I know that without it life would be a harder struggle.
3. I am thankful for my planner Because it is my memory list and it's why I get some things done.
4. I am thankful for my kitty who is my best friend and companion. She is always here for me always.
5. I am thankful that Adrian can give me rent money. It is a huge blessing that I have a roof over my head.
Here's my first list.