Things have been a little different lately for all 3 of us here (my dad, my step mom, and me). Some good news is that my dad has finished his course of radiation and chemotherapy. It is now a waiting game...probably another 3 weeks until he has the all important PET scan to see if it did it's job. My dad worries...this waiting is hard for him. He tries to put a mask on but it falls off at times...he gets grumpy, angry about waiting, impatient, and well down right mean at times.
My stepmom
I came here this morning to share something happening in front of me...it affects my stepmom and her ex-husband's family who she has remained close to. Life happens sometimes in a way so beyond what we can control. My stepmom's ex brother-in-law has been ill the past two months and having serious heart issues. Eventually he needed heart surgery and when he was in the middle of it a clot formed in the circulation machine that traveled to his brain and caused a massive stroke. 😔 It kills me knowin
Has anyone said to you, "It's all about you.". I have had this statement said to me numerous times. Today I have been thinking...Do I make others feel this way? Am I egocentric? Do I lack empathy or maybe sympathy? You get the picture I'm sure. There are things I have noticed about myself since the stroke: I talk a lot about myself and the stroke or stroke effects left over. I get on my own nerves sometimes. There are certain things that I feel indifferent about. My stepmom hoards (cleanly but h
So here I am. It's 11:23pm and I'm fidgety, awake, and drowning in needless thought. I'm in a state of anxiety for what I feel is no reason. I can't sit or lay still. I am weirdly hungry like ravenous and I just want to eat again and again...but nothing satisfies me. I lay my head down on my pillow and then pick it up then lay it down again over and over trying to find a "comfortable" spot. So now I'm sitting up. LOL sorry if this is boring but I just need to get anxious movement and thought out
Things are finally calming down after my brother's death. Still no full answers yet from autopsy but hopefully not too long now. Tomorrow his daughter gives birth to his 3rd grandchild (a boy). It may freshen some raw feelings but all in all it will be a really wonderful day. My dad is actually doing really great during his radiation and chemotherapy...no sickness or really bad side effects. He is just over half way through. I'm so glad he's doing well.
Me...I am finally calming a bi
So much has happened I don't know where to begin.
My brother was buried yesterday and it was the hardest thing for my family that I can remember. I will tell you that man was he loved...by so many. The visitation and funeral were full...family, friends, business acquaintances, co-workers, and a multitude of others. All of whom grieved heavily for my brother. Everyone so kind to everyone in our family and sharing their memories and offering to be there for whatever we needed. I feel s
Lemme just get all the emotions out at once. I've been pretty terrible lately. It is definitely time to see my shrink. Thank the Lord its Thursday. Let me go through my new range of crazy. I'm depressed, my anxiety gets so high I feel like I will burst, panic attacks almost daily, seeing things, hearing things, scared because I don't know if I am seeing things or hearing things, sense of utter doom Bad Bad Bad, the crickets made me have a panic attack, I keep hearing thunder rumbles but feel to
Tomorrow my dad gets his first dose of radiation for his lung cancer. We are all just in a weird wondering mood. My dad is in good spirits which I am so glad. The very next day he gets his first dose of chemotherapy. I pray it is kind to him or at the very least that he is able to be ok with it physically. I know if the chemo is too much that he can just raise a white flag and the Oncologist is really supportive of this. Just praying for whatever he goes through.
Tomorrow I go to my
I have found out some more info about my dad and his cancer diagnosis. He has non small cell adenocarcinoma, it is extremely near to his esophagus and because of that inoperable. He will be starting radiation treatments on the 30th of this month. They will be lower dose than usual but for a longer time so as not to injure his esophagus. They did find 2 lymph nodes that are near and seem to be somewhat enlarged but they scanned him last week and there is no cancer metastasis. So it is still in st
Part of my problems after stroke are psychiatric in nature. It really upsets me to be so strongly affected by every little thing. It is an emotional rollercoaster even without any physical stuff at a moment. As I said before I haven't been feeling well and have been really tired on top of post stroke fatigue that never went away. My dad woke me up screaming this morning around 6am that my cat had puked a lake on the floor and I had better get up and clean it up. I told him I would clean it but w
For the last 2 nights I have fallen asleep around 7pm and woke up for about 30 minutes before going back to sleep. Each night sleeping 11 hours. I had a Dr. Appointment yesterday due to some chronic hoarseness I have been experiencing since January. She poked all around my larynx area (painful) and I showed her a lump I have on my neck (wasn't sure it was there but she says yes it is and the Dr. needs to know)(she is a voice therapist-part of my treatment). Anyways, I'm thinking great. Now we go
I also wanted to share with you all that my dad is going through some health issues right now. Some scary ones. He has already been diagnosed with COPD 2-3 years ago and a recent chest scan showed 2 suspicious spots on his lungs....one new and one that they had noted before but it has grown. Last week my Dad had a biopsy on the new one. He had to be put to sleep and it was done through endoscopy within his bronchial tubes. He is so blessed to have a negative biopsy and no cancer found in the fir
I just want to share with all of you that I received wonderful news in the mail yesterday. My disability hearing was scheduled!!!!!! The day is October the 25th!!!! Months before I expected. I spoke with my lawyer today and he had really good things to say. He said he was just thrilled at the judge I got. He is really fair, really has concern for others (empathy), is not swayed by age of the person trying for disability (my lawyer says that there are a lot of judges that really look over some be
I've been visiting my sister since July 4 and I've really enjoyed it. Today is Saturday and I will be going home at some point today...it's about an hour away. My brother-in-law has 4 children and they are here every other week...this week. I really enjoy being around them but they all can be disrespectful and mouthy to their dad and my sister so I know at times things get a little rowdy. Today is a day that they all use to clean and work on projects. The girls (I keep them every other week) wer
I hate that I can leave a positive post one day and then am miserable and need to let it out (though it may be negative) the next day. My moods and emotions go from one extreme to the other even though I see my Psychiatrist every 2 months and am medicated with what has worked the best so far. I still can't control it at times. Ughhhh anger/frustration/depression/feeling alone/feeling like nobody...and I think to myself why do I let something so simple so nothing sometimes to affect me. It just d
Tonight I went to a special stroke support meeting where a stroke trained Neurolgist was our guest speaker. Even after all I have read and been through it was really an enlightening experience. As I listened to some statistics it made me feel so sad inside. I truly wanted to cry for myself and the many many thousands that experience stroke each year. That doesn't even include the many many thousands who are just affected by someone they know or love having a stroke. Did you know that 795,000 Ame
It's been a different spring into summer this year. Things are just different. It's been a year since I moved from Nashville and away from who I thought I would be with forever at one time. I see my Psychiatrist every two months and tell him every time that my dreams haunt me. I dream about Adrian almost every night...not the "I want to be with you" dreams but dreams that don't feel good. I can't explain...My dreams can be scary real feeling since my stroke many times I have to wake up well befo
Boy, I have read back through some of my replies lately and wow I have had a lot to say. I am going to call it passionate response. I am so happy that I have an outlet with Strokenet and now another with my local stroke group. I have a lot to say and have a lot of thoughts that I can be really passionate about. I sometimes want to do more...educate others...help improve medical therapies...bring light to subjects about stroke that seem to be put on the back burner. I know I am extra passionate a
The last 2-2.5 months I've been dealing with a throat issue. Chronic hoarseness, ear pain, and my throat stinging. A couple of weeks ago I went to an ENT who looked in my throat and at my vocal cords. He seems to think my vocal cords have thrush from my asthma inhaler so he had me take a 2 week course of Diflucan. A month ago I filled out paperwork for financial assistance at Vanderbilt for this procedure and any ongoing appointments or therapy I may have. I got the letter today telling me I hav
I did something I wish I had not yesterday. It started with a Dr. appointment to an ENT due to chronic hoarseness, ear, and throat pain I have been having since January. Seems my asthma inhaler (has a steroid in it) has caused a yeast infection(thrush) on my vocal cords and folds and will probably only need a script for Diflucan. Then I got in my car and drove to where I used to live last year. I got out of the car...knocked on the door...and Adrian answered and invited me in. For those of you t
I am sick yet again. In the hospital for 4 days at New Years which took me a month to regain my strength. (Steroids during) My back went out in February and on steroids again. Diagnosed with Diabetes 2 during hospital stay. Chronic harshness, throat pain and ear ache but not really sick since mid February. I have to see an ENT on the 23rd to figure out what's wrong. Then Sunday get an extremely sore throat and coughing, now stuffy nose, ear aches, headache, phlegm . I feel like poop. Another rou
It's been a while since I've written a blog and been really active on the site. First of all I miss those of you I know here but I have been sort of recovering and regrouping after leaving Adrian and moving back into my Dad's house. There has been a lot of positive...my anxiety has been less, I have my own transportation, I am still waiting for the second round of disability decisions, I am close to family, my daughter is doing wonderful and is so good to me sending me $50 every other week to he
Today I am officially a member of a health club!! My daughter is the best! I went into this big bright workout space and toured Planet Fitness. I go back at 1:00 today to go over what I am looking for and to make goals. I can't wait! This will give me several things. 1st and foremost working on getting healthier and with that I hope to lose the weight I have put on since the stroke and maybe even more. This is also a way for me to spend some of my day. I need so much to 'get out'. I have time ev
I am here forcing myself to write because I just haven't felt like it but it is good. The last month has been extraordinarily hard and lonely. It's funny how a person really takes on a companion's or spouse's likes and dislikes. Ok at least for me it is. I have pondered on who is Tracy many times this month and what do I like and what do I not like. For the most part I can tell that my partner and my daughter were my big triggers for panic attacks. I have really only had 2 which is better than i
FIRE
Peering out from the darkness, the light grows stronger.
Reaching out to feel it's warmth.
My skin begins to glow.
First, my my arm like a golden diamond with a fire in it's belly.
The velvet light and warmth creeps further up my body until it envelopes all of me.
I feel weightless, like my body is lifted by the sun's arms.
Lifting my head, I drink in all of it's energy.
I can take a clear deep b
