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One Day at a Time

It's been a week and a half since I moved to my Dad's. For those not aware, my partner cheated on me and is now seeing a 24 year old employee. I had to go for my own sanity. This has been the hardest thing I have experienced since my stroke and is even harder than my divorce 11 years ago. I truly love Adrian but I do not know him anymore. I must be honest the first two days at my Dad's were awful and I spent my time crying and trying to figure out how to go back and everything be right. I even t

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Prey

This is poetry I wrote this morning. It is dark and not beautiful but this is how I express my heartache. Inspired by something happening in my life right now. Please close if you are bothered I will speak sunshine another day.   Prey   Round and round and round we go, A cursed circle with no control. Weaving a web as it moves around, Looking for trusting hearts and souls to be found. It spins with no effort and catches its' prey, Waiting and lying an

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Planning my Plantings

Believe it or not last I think I was more motivated to get out there and plant some things and really be a caretaker myself. This year I am still planning and I am going to do it again...just flowers and herbs. I have had to talk to myself more about it and remind myself how I loved it. I already got flat leaf parsley, rosemary and oregano and my strawberry plant from last year made it through the winter and has new growth even blooming a bit. My daughter has planned today to pick me up so we ca

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Changing Times

What can I say it has been a rough week. This week for some reason I fell depressed and anxious...to the point where I did nothing for 4 days or maybe 5. I did see my Psychiatrist and we discussed all of these issues. For the first time since I have seen Dr. Chalfant, I broke down in his office. I just couldn't stop it from coming and my answers seemed to all be "I don't know". Even on beautiful days getting out of bed or just not sleeping was a huge challenge. I have been doing a lot of thinkin

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First Week With my Daughter at her New Apt.

It has been a week since my daughter moved out of our house and into her own apartment. I never knew it would be so difficult LOL. First she was having a lot of anxiety about packing and I helped her but she avoided this right until the last moment. This meant spending a long night up really late packing boxes that could have been done much earlier but we did it. It then meant the next morning we woke early and she went and got her keys and officially signed the lease and actually found out

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How I See My World

How I See My World I look all around and it's hard to believe, That a broken mind has set me free. There are no agendas in my sight, No time crunches or policies I have to fight. Less fuss, less scurry, less stress for me, The world is quieter and calmer than I once believed. The wind on my face and the rustle of leaves, Is warmer and more magical than I once conceived. Even the blinding lights have beauty to behold, Starbursts and halos and rain

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Baby bird is leaving the nest...

It's official my daughter will be moving to her own apartment in 2 weeks. She is 20 so I know at around this age more or less the want to break free. Her and I haven't got along very well this year. She has done so much to help me financially and she is just tired of not being able to use her money like she wants to. She also gets so upset with me when I just ask her a simple question. All I hear is "I'm a adult!" I think it is hard for kids to understand that once a mom always a mom. I am excit

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Do You See Me?

Here's a poem I wrote yesterday....sorry if it it long.   Do You See Me?   Do you see me. Look here...right here. I look to your eyes searching for an answer. You look at me, or is it through me. I feel like a ghost, unseen yet in your path. Then, it happens...you walk past me or is it through me. Either way, I am but a shadow of who I used to be. Behind you I follow and tell you I'm fine. Just a lingering dark shadow behind your lit face. It's the light, then you, then me. If you on

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Gratitude...Sunday

Things I am thankful for today:   1. I am thankful for my recycle bin because over the past year it has kept me busy and I think about "What am not recycling that I can?" 2. I am thankful for my 1 cup of coffee in the morning...I may limit it but each cup is like a littlle slice of heaven. 3. I am thankful for the energy I have had the last few days...I even had 2 days where I marked everything off on my To Do list. 4. I am thankful for my vacuum cleaner bought 2nd hand for $25 because it has

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Gratitude...Friday and Saturday

I missed a day again so here goes:   1. I am thankful I still have a few friends that care about me even if they don't call. 2. I am for my vacuum because believe it or not my kitty loves to be vacuumed and this surely cuts down on flying fur. 3. I am thankful for fresh berries because nothing tastes so fresh and delicious. 4. I am thankful for my medication because without it I would be a whole different person in a bad way. 5. I am thankful my neighbors who have been so kind to me. 6. I am t

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I am grateful for...Thursday

Today has been a very productive day for me. All but 1 thing on my list is done even baking a loaf of bread!   1. I am thankful for the internet which is weird but I learn a lot of things from there, you guys are here, and sometimes it's what I CAN do. 2. I am thankful for sun setting we had a beautiful horizen this evening and I took pictures. 3. I am thankful for the energy I have had today it's added to how I feel about myself . 4. I am thankful for planning a day ahead it's not so far th

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I'm grateful for list Wednesday

Here goes:   1. I am grateful for my Psychiatrist who has helped me tremendously. He helps me feel less crazy and I mean that. 2. I am grateful for my bathtub because it can always help me when I need to get warm, relax, have less body pain, and ofcourse clean body and hair! 3. I am thankful that I can cook dinner for the most part this makes me feel useful. 4. I am thankful for my friend and aquaintances I have met here you guys rock and help me more than you'll ever know. 5. I am thankful fo

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I Missed a day Gratitudes

I missed yesterday so I am doing 10 for today .   1. I am thankful for my legs because I still get pretty much where I want to be. 2. I am thankful for the rain and thunder today it was soft and didn't scare me and I took a wonderful nap. 3. I am so very thankful for my bed I LOVE my bed! 4. I am thankful for my neighbors on both sides pets ( doggies) who have become my friends and let me visit with them. 5. I am thanful for my coat that my mom gave me for my birthday it fits and looks great

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Gratitude List Self Challenge

I have been so blue lately and one thing I did when I first had the stroke was the 5 things a day gratitude list. This is my challenge to myself to complete 1 week of my own list of gratitude (5 a day). I think this is good for me.   1. I am thankful for my mom because I know I can always go to her even when I can't to anyone else and she loves and helps me. 2. I am thankful for our car...we only have 1 between 3 adults but I know that without it life would be a harder struggle. 3. I am thankf

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Things are changing...

It's been a while since I have written a blog. Just haven't been able to sit and do it. First I am so much better from having a really bad respiratory infection that triggered my asthma terribly. I can't explain what it's like to not be able to breathe in air. It is scary and panic is right at your surface. I have had to use a nebulizer for 2 weeks to get effect from my asthma medicine it just delivers it so much better. Then right in the middle of it I get the most horrendous urinary tracy infe

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After The New Year

Things are all quiet now after the holidays and I have been more tired than ever needing a nap each day this week. I'm still in the process of some psych med changes and that doesn't help. My husband has been working nights during his training at his new job but this will end soon. Our king size bed feels really big when he's not there with me. I think I have gotten into a habit of going to sleep a bit later than usual so this could explain all the naps. Whatever it is its sorta blah.   I did

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Blogs are back and I am excited!

It's seems so long since blogs have been available and a big than you to Steve and team for being able to bring this great thing back online. Holidays are now passed and we are enjoying the beginning of our new year! My birthday was Dec 2nd and we decided my birthday and Christmas would be after the New Year because money was an issue this year. I am looking at 2 of my gifts which arrived this past week and I've been told no opening until they all get here. I am patient but I see them here on th

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Twice In One Day!

It must be a full moon because believe it or not craziness happened again on my street. This time two girls were fighting and two guys were trying to break it up. One guy was standing between the passenger seat and the door of an SUV and the lady in the car hit the door and it closed on this guy. Then the lady in the SUV rammed into her car then they both backed up and ran into each other. I called 911 for a second time about totally different people and told them they better get back over here

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Scary Neighborhood Moment

I hope I helped someone...this morning I heard a big bang or pop and it scared me it was really loud and close and sounded like a gun. Moments later there was a guy and a girl in the street and he was punching her in the face I called 911 and the police came 1 then 2 cars then 3 and 3 more undercover cars with cops who had protective vests on. It's been over and hour and 2 policemen are still there. It was scary! I don't live in the best neighborhood so I pleaded with the officer to please keep

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Being Thrifty at Christmas

Being thrifty at Christmas is one of those things that I don't enjoy. I don't spend an enormous amount by any means but maybe one gift and a card seems hard to me. I shouldn't complain...my Christmas check off list is coming along well, I get to see my mom and family this Saturday and just the whole atmosphere at my mom's is magical. All the grandkids get presents and all the adults get money (the same amount each year) which has made us all cry at one moment or another just out of need and feel

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Update About my Christmas To Do List

I am so happy to say that I am halfway through my list. This list I made instead of a New Year's Resolution because I wanted to see it happen. New Year's Resolutions have not been keepers for me but this is a list I can mark off - 10 things. Five checked!!! Today we put up the wall tree and even decorated around the living room a bit. Yesterday I made a simple Holiday Wreath and have it hanging on my door! I also put garland and ribbon up outside! I got an apple scented candle and today we decor

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A Fellow Member got me to Thinking About Goals...Thank You Heather!

Goal setting and accomplishing is a very difficult task for me (It's a stroke thing from the cerebellum). I started out in Speech Therapy by writing my goals for each hour of the day. Pretty micromanaged but a necessary evil. I find myself having the same difficulties again. Thinking, writing notes, planning ahead which is great to do but for me going through my day can feel like a yo-yo. So I have decided to refocus on my daily goals. I haven't yet started speech again but I have a Dr. order th

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To be really Jolly or not as Jolly that is the Question...

Its been about 3 weeks since my hysterectomy and I am feeling better and better. This time of year is hard for me though both before and after the stroke. 1st it's never been the same since my divorce and 2nd I had my first super set back just a couple of weeks before Christmas when I had a mega panic attack and had psychogenic stuttering constant for 1 and half months last year. This year it's all about the finances...barely making ends meet is hard during a holiday. Well I have decided I have

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I Am Feeling Really Blessed...

I went to my oncologist today and she said everything looks awesome and is healing up very well. She took a look at all my incisions from surgery and said they look great. I asked her about the one in my belly button and she sorta hesitated and said I don't think I made an incision in your belly button but lets take a look. I explained to her that had a tiny wee bit of bleeding from there on the first day home and then she oh yes I remember you had an umbilical hernia. I fixed that so it shouldn

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Success and Improving!!!

It's been about 9 days since I had my complete hysterectomy via Laprascope. So I have 5 incisions in my tummy...3 down low, one up high and to the right if you are looking at me and one hidden in my belly button. The recovery hasn't been very bad at all. I do feel like some alien being with 5 arms was messing with my insides. It still hurts a little when I move just right or sit up real straight or turn over in bed but it's tolerable. I have thought many times about my insides over the past week

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