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Entries in this blog

Thinking Out Loud

*First let me put a disclaimer here. I am going to talk about faith (religion if I may) as it applies to me. I never want to make another feel that I am weighing their faith or lack of in any way than my own. I believe in acceptance and only strength in whatever faith you may practice. I love you just the same. If this will cause a negative feeling in someone please feel free to click out now. I would never want that. I made a blog post yesterday that stated God had given me a gift. Just so

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God has granted a gift.

It's been close to 3 long years since I began my application for disability. I never wanted to apply. I never wanted to be in a situation where I was in need of such a thing. It's taken a long time to accept. So I have lived with my dad, depended on my mom, got transportation from my sister. I have been on the roller coaster of after stroke effects, dealing with my family's judgements about these and after seeing my Psychiatrist for over 3 years every other month hearing him say you won't be abl

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I Am Struggling With Something I Don't Like About Myself

So many things have happened in the past 6 months. Difficult things and good things. Where do I begin. It's weird I can't remember a clear time line but just facts. Let's just see how much I recall. I was diagnosed with Diabetes the first of January...not 6 months ago but it is never ending. Good news is that I first was testing 6.9 on my A1C and I think in August at my 2nd class we checked again and it was 6.3! This was a really positive direction for my health. I cheat though...a lot. Will it

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I'm Just Going to Think Positive

I also wanted to share with you all that my dad is going through some health issues right now. Some scary ones. He has already been diagnosed with COPD 2-3 years ago and a recent chest scan showed 2 suspicious spots on his lungs....one new and one that they had noted before but it has grown. Last week my Dad had a biopsy on the new one. He had to be put to sleep and it was done through endoscopy within his bronchial tubes. He is so blessed to have a negative biopsy and no cancer found in the fir

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Do You See Me?

Here's a poem I wrote yesterday....sorry if it it long.   Do You See Me?   Do you see me. Look here...right here. I look to your eyes searching for an answer. You look at me, or is it through me. I feel like a ghost, unseen yet in your path. Then, it happens...you walk past me or is it through me. Either way, I am but a shadow of who I used to be. Behind you I follow and tell you I'm fine. Just a lingering dark shadow behind your lit face. It's the light, then you, then me. If you on

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I've Been Quiet Here...Feeling Like an Update

Time has passed well slowly or is it rather quickly...hmm times are confusing these days. I suppose that question depends on the day. It's not hard to recognize that the world is a bit out of kilter this year and I hope going forward we as people take the best we can from it. Finding peace has never started out being calm most times. Change is hard but it is a good teacher or reminder. I suppose as for me, I am oddly calm inside...watching the world around me in a kind of slow motion...observing

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Finding the Strength to Let Go an Realize That I have No Control Over Anyone or Anything Except Myself

I'm embarrassed to say that you know I'm going to vent when I visit my blog. 😁 I do figure things out though, get a better understanding for my own sanity and well I am much better when I let it out. So, again, here's a warning beforehand that there may be some venting. That way if you are not wanting to hear it then please click out. I say that in a nice way.  I never thought I had an issue with control...but I do. Maybe it comes with good intentions but really does no good for me or anyon

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Spring is Sprung... When Life Gives You Lemons Pick a Pretty Bouquet

I can't believe April is here already. 🌷 Spring Fever has spun its' spell. Flowers are popping up to smile at the sun and trees are budding and flowering preparing to burst into life. I really like this time of year... It's a time of new and fresh... New beginnings and new adventures. The drab of winter is replaced over a few weeks with color, warmth, joyful beginnings, everyone is looking up to the sunshine even the flowers, inner hopes start to infuse many... A virtual treat for the senses. Mo

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Counting Down the Days til Surgery

I haven't written in about a week...been trying to grasp all the things that have happened in the last week. The count is on...just 10 more days until surgery day. I think it's going to be a long wait but I guarantee it will be here quicker than I expect. Especially because I would like to prepare somewhat: Make ahead dinners, easy stuff for me when I'm here alone, get the washing all done and the house in good order, place things near my bedside because i think the first few days I will feel ki

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Bad News Today

My Gynecologist sent me an email that tells me he has gone over my pathology results from the D&C with Hysteroscopy last week and they found Endometrial Hyperplasia WITH Atypia. His says this means Hysterectomy and that I will need to see a Gyn Oncologist. It means that the Endometrial Cells are morphing toward Cancer cells. It also means that I would have to get a Complete Hysterectomy with Pathology during and depending on results lymph nodes removed. I think I read 29% lead to Uterine Can

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Wish Me Luck...

I go in for a same day surgery to help with a female problem I am having. Not everyone wants to know about this so if you don't just stop now LOL. I have endometrial hyperplasia and it has caused for the past year and a half to bleed like I'm dying. I have only been not anemic once for 3 months in thta past year and a half. When I had the stroke my Hemoglobin was 7 and my hematocrit was 23 with 0 iron stores. Needless to say Iron pills do not help me so since about a month after the stroke I hav

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Finally past this week and on to the next...

This week was my uncle's funeral. He passed Saturday after a year long fight with Cancer and had his service and burial on Tuesday. It was a very good service and focused on my Uncle Darrell's life instead of death. The casket was closed and a beautiful afghan rested on top with some his happiest pictures blown up and placed right into the fabric of the afghan. We actually heard many sounds of laughter as people talked about Darrell because he was always smiling and teasing about something. Many

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I Wanted to Add Some Lighthearted Laughter...

We have a squirrel family who comes back to our attic every year and builds their apartments, towns, and mansions. Every year we have find where they have found a way to get in and close it up and block it. They always find a way back in. My Landlord said it has been happening for many years and they cover and close and keep them out and they always find a way. So this year we have heard little feet scampering across the plastic piece that sits behind our gutters. The areas that they had going t

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To be really Jolly or not as Jolly that is the Question...

Its been about 3 weeks since my hysterectomy and I am feeling better and better. This time of year is hard for me though both before and after the stroke. 1st it's never been the same since my divorce and 2nd I had my first super set back just a couple of weeks before Christmas when I had a mega panic attack and had psychogenic stuttering constant for 1 and half months last year. This year it's all about the finances...barely making ends meet is hard during a holiday. Well I have decided I have

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The nerves are beginning to fire...I can do this!

It's been a mostly uncomplicated week and it's getting cooler. I have been doing a lot of "things" keeping my mind off THE DAY. I really have done well. Today I feel it a bit. The unanswered questions about what they will find. Will I have laparascopic or will they have to do an open incision surgery. I won't know until I wake up. I've had to be off my aspirin to prepare. I just don't want to go backwards (stroke wise) and I'm afraid of having another. I don't want to have to fight even the thou

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My First Step Forward

My first step here will be a very happy hello. :happydance: I had my stroke last year the day after 4th of July. Bilateral Cerebellar Infarct. I was 43, just helped close down all the stores in our city (which were the only ones in the state) where I had been working for close to 10 years. I was the bread winner as you call it in my home. Active, feeling the best about myself probably ever, looking forward to a future that I felt could only get better. Prime of my life I guess. Even with past

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A Fellow Member got me to Thinking About Goals...Thank You Heather!

Goal setting and accomplishing is a very difficult task for me (It's a stroke thing from the cerebellum). I started out in Speech Therapy by writing my goals for each hour of the day. Pretty micromanaged but a necessary evil. I find myself having the same difficulties again. Thinking, writing notes, planning ahead which is great to do but for me going through my day can feel like a yo-yo. So I have decided to refocus on my daily goals. I haven't yet started speech again but I have a Dr. order th

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Sometimes I Am Overwhelmed by the Smallest Things

The last 2-2.5 months I've been dealing with a throat issue. Chronic hoarseness, ear pain, and my throat stinging. A couple of weeks ago I went to an ENT who looked in my throat and at my vocal cords. He seems to think my vocal cords have thrush from my asthma inhaler so he had me take a 2 week course of Diflucan. A month ago I filled out paperwork for financial assistance at Vanderbilt for this procedure and any ongoing appointments or therapy I may have. I got the letter today telling me I hav

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When it rains it pours...

Today has been a whirlwind. I decided to go see my mom's brother in law for the last time probably. He has brain cancer and he will probably pass very very soon. I was glad I went...even though he was never really conscious of me being there. I have a lot of memories of my Aunt Sherry and Darrel when I was little and I was their babysitter for their two children when I was a teen. Then they babysat my daughter when she was little. I just didn't want to miss the chance. I also found out today tha

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I Missed a day Gratitudes

I missed yesterday so I am doing 10 for today .   1. I am thankful for my legs because I still get pretty much where I want to be. 2. I am thankful for the rain and thunder today it was soft and didn't scare me and I took a wonderful nap. 3. I am so very thankful for my bed I LOVE my bed! 4. I am thankful for my neighbors on both sides pets ( doggies) who have become my friends and let me visit with them. 5. I am thanful for my coat that my mom gave me for my birthday it fits and looks great

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Surgery Update

I just wanted to let those who knew about my surgery That I am doing well and the surgery went really great. They were able to do laproscopic and they found no cancer! My Doctor didn't expect a good outcome so she was really pleasantly surprised. That is all for now i'm pretty loopy from the pain med. :hug:

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Worry...it's a daily thing for me...

Lately, I have been really down sorta. In one way I think I am doing great...I am getting things done which has been a big struggle. My kitchen is clean, I made a fall wreath, I have vacuumed everywhere, mopped floors, cleaned the bathroom, and just trying to organize my life in my house a bit better. On the other hand I have been worried about my husband who hasn't felt well. He left work early and is missing 2 more days. It's really unlike him at all. His blood pressure had been so high the la

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Update About my Christmas To Do List

I am so happy to say that I am halfway through my list. This list I made instead of a New Year's Resolution because I wanted to see it happen. New Year's Resolutions have not been keepers for me but this is a list I can mark off - 10 things. Five checked!!! Today we put up the wall tree and even decorated around the living room a bit. Yesterday I made a simple Holiday Wreath and have it hanging on my door! I also put garland and ribbon up outside! I got an apple scented candle and today we decor

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Fear Chaos Corona - 2020 (I bet I remember this forever)

What can I say... So far 2020 has been earth shaking. Let me warn you before reading: these are my thoughts, my experiences, my worries and where I find my mind these days. This is not meant to add to the fear and chaos or to bring a negative light toward anyone. My words come from me and if you are sensitive to hearing someone's honest, transparent and straightforward thoughts then this may not be for you.    I try to remember January. I don't remember what day I heard the news of a n

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