Simplicity
Entry posted by RLT
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It seems that the most common courtesy this time of the year is to ask, “How was your Thanksgiving?” Never much noticed that before but since yesterday I ate my first solid meal in over two weeks I noticed the irony this year. I had three of my five children home and I entertained them from a hospital bed. And poor Dick spent the entire time alone in the nursing home. Not a good start to a season known for good cheer, but an opportunity none the less, to reflect on the great benefits of being still and enjoying simplicity.
For several days after coming home I was more of a basket case because of what I had not provided for my family than over my health. If I am honest, I am still trying to grab hold of an important lesson here. We unexpectedly lost my daughter’s death benefit check from Social Security which has me scrambling to figure out the best way of affording the house we are in or if we need to make a move. This comes at a time when I would rather be wrapping piles and piles of gifts for the family to open Christmas Eve. Even though I have always tended to be conservative with finances, I have adopted the American motto of “More is better” more than I’d like to admit. I am caught up short this year and being forced to reassess what is really important.
I am realizing that I am not able to have all that I want. Well, I have known for some time that I will never have my old Dick back but I am amazed at how desperately I am trying to still hold on to as much as possible when I really have to learn the art of letting go. And those times when I just can’t decide which thing to give up I am caught in a cycle of sadness and heart ache. But as I process these things little by little I am beginning to see a glimmer of new possibilities which are quite exciting.
Dick will have been in the nursing home for two years come next March. When he was admitted I still had two girls in high school and was being torn in half trying to tend to the divergent needs of those in my care. Now that my youngest is nine weeks away from graduation, I have a little more flexibility to give more of my time exclusively to Dick. Simultaneously, the recommendation of the state ombudsman has been to look into a new federal program geared to bringing long-term care residents back home. This choice though would mean I would most definitely have to allow my little birds fly from the nest, on their own. Ouch, how many moms really want to do that especially when two are still so young? But all this is what I am meaning about reflecting on simplicity. By downsizing and giving up dreams of having all the kids together in my house for the holidays, I can possibly regain a closer relationship to Dick.
Will this happen? I cannot even really guess. It is a terrifying decision. This program seems to offer so much more support for caregivers than I have ever had before. But, I know how much will remain on my shoulders in those off hours when there is no one around to help with the midnight incontinence messes or periods of confusion leading to aggressive behavior. I want to make a wise choice and not become allured by the thought of just having him in the next room. The application to begin the process went in this week. I figure I can at least learn more before having to decide. Can you even guess the roller coaster of emotions?!
As far as Dick goes: he didn’t realize he had missed a holiday. He understands only that I have been ill and he is often frustrated that he cannot take care of me. So, now that I am driving again, I grabbed a bag of Christmas decorations and stopped by McDonalds on the way to see him this afternoon. We turned on the TV playing Harry Potter movies (since his roommate had the same channel on) and I decorated his half of the room while he enjoyed his treat creating our own kind of festivity. Simplicity.
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