Now that I’ve made it through Valentine’s Day as a newly widowed stroke survivor, I feel it is time to face the music and blog about my woes. I don’t know how so many events can happen in such a short time and how one is to digest, comprehend and try to accept all of it. If I didn’t have long-term care insurance (thank you God) I think I would be in a nut house. For those new to my blog, I fell in July 2011 and was in hospital with a compressed fracture of L-1 the same week I learned my husband had stage 4 lung cancer. Jerry only lived for 3 ½ months more and passed away October 23. I’m now in out-patient PT working mainly on balance and my gait (left over from my stroke 6 years ago). I am still confused a lot of what to do when, so I take it one day at a time and do what is in front of me exactly at that moment. There has been so much to do as the after-math of his death; when one thing is accomplished, another comes my way. My friends and therapist tell me I’ve done amazingly well. I was even able to sell his sports car last week to the used car division of BMW and they came right to me after I called. I didn't get as much as I thought but the serenity of knowing it's done and I don't have to worry about someone coming around to the house to see it which could be dangerous for me. My therapist also keeps reminding me that grief takes many forms, one of them being fatigue which I sure have. She said to keep the word “should” out of my vocabulary and do what I am capable of. My caregivers and a few friends have helped immensely but I give the credit to God to have given me the strength I’ve needed and I’ll continue to pray for Him to give me what I need and to make the right decisions. I’m not making any big changes and hope I can continue to stay in my home.

I have a caregiver 8 hours a day thru my l/t care insurance who does the things I cannot do or need help with like bathing and watching me for safety (an A LOT more including grocery shopping, taking out the garbage and getting the mail). I had help before with cleaning and washing clothes (a friend helped) but Jerry did so much. Of course I miss his love and hugs and encouragement the most.

My PT will last for at least another month (2x/week) and I have home exercises I do. I know I can’t quit but I’m not sure where I’m going to go next. The club where I used to work out is so expensive I am thinking of canceling my membership but it might be good for an interim place as I know a lot of people there plus the trainer who Jerry and I both used. I also have a Silver Sneakers membership and my caregiver can drive me to a fitness club not too far from home. So many new challenges and changes have entered my life but my past experience tells me prayer, gratitude and a positive attitude is what will help me the most. A lot is going to depend upon how long my long-term care insurance will carry me. I have a very good plan which is unlimited. Right now I still need help but once I can drive I’m afraid they will cut me off. That would make a world of difference for me. But I refuse to project about things I cannot control. The serenity prayer is a good reminder for that and I recite it daily. Hugs to all, Leah