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Why on earth do i feel depressed


CagedBird

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Thank you so much to all 5 of you who commented on my last blog. I often re-read old comments from time to time for inspiration. Even though I do not reply to you all individually, I always read every comment and I appreciate the support from everyone!

 

One of the reasons I have not blogged is because I feel depressed and I made a promise last year not to blog about sad things all the time like I used to. I keep things to myself or just write in my prayer journal instead. Sometime it helps. Sometimes it makes it worse. I decided to blog now though because I don't have anything sad to complain about. So why do I feel depressed?

 

I don't understand it. I am working, I go to school, and I drive. I stayed depressed for 4 very long years of high school because I could not work (because of my disability) drive (because of my disability) and school was hell since I had no friends (because of my disability). Now I can work, I accomplished soo much in school, and I drive everywhere. I am so proud of myself taking myself everwhere. My dad is proud of me as well. I have driven through pouring rain, at night, through construction zones, I even took a little road trip and drove down the interstate getting off at exits and everything! This is the life I always wanted but thought I would never have. I can get up and go wherever I want whenever I want and I do. but i dont feel happy and I dont understand why. I am so thankful for all of my blessings. I thank God but I put myself down and I feel worse for feeling unhappy like what is wrong with me.

 

I had an appointment with my neurologist a few weeks ago and he tested me for pseudobulbar affect. Turns out I do have it. It is funny because I could not stop laughing while he was asking me the questions about uncontrollable laughter. He has some medicine for me but I have to get an EKG on my heart before I can start the medicine. I just don't want to start the medicine. I feel like I need an antidepressant more than a medicine that will stop uncontrollable laughter but I am scared to start the pseudobulbar affect medication for the same reason Im scared to start an anti-depressant. What if it doesn't work? What if I have to stay on it for life? I just don't know.

 

No matter where I go, what I do, how much "fun" I try to have, nothing makes me feel happy. The last time I felt happy was when I used the bioness and felt my hand move. My dad has had bouts of depression since he retired last July and my mom has dealt with depression all her life and right now her paranoia schizophrenia is getting worse. Maybe it is just hereditary and it is in my genes to be sad an unhappy. :( I am not going to kill myself but I do not want to live. I just feel like why am I here? Heaven would be so much better than living in this horrible country where bad things happen all the time. It is scary because my mom was this same way after her cancer and there is a history of mental illness on her side of the family so I am afraid I will end up like her. I first felt depressed when I was a child. I would write suicide notes and how I wanted my funeral to be when I was like 9 years old.

 

Should I talk to my neurologist? Should I start medication to keep my sadness from getting worse? Wont antidepressant increase suicidal thoughts? There is a warning label on my keppra that says contact the doctor if I feel sadness, mood changes, or fear but you all remember what happened when my doc switched my seizure medicine a few months ago so I know I cant stop taking the seizure meds even if it is causing sadness. I just feel like I have been depressed my whole life and am doomed to be depressed for the rest of my life because it runs in my family. It just sucks because I want so badly to be happy. I pray I read the Bible, I hang out with friends, I think about all the good things in life but I can do all that in one day and still cry myself to sleep at the end of the day because I just feel sad. I wish I knew how to explain this to my neurologist. I don't know if it is pseudobulbar affect or depression I just wish it would go away.

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Katrina:

 

taking ani depression meds was the best thing I did for myself after stroke, it allowed me to look past my sadness & enjoy life again. though after on them for couple of years I weaned myself off them. what I learnt is happiness is a choice & some days are harder than others specially my PMS days. but I have learnt to cope with them. For me blogging good things of my life which brought me great joy & reading great spiritual texts, chatting everything has helped me stay away from those meds now more than few years.

 

Asha

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Katrina anti depressants are misunderstood I think the old treatment was sedation valium etc.

 

 

our bodies produce serotonin which our brains need for clear thinking & well being. wewour body rids itself of excess & can lead to a deficit this is worse in the darker winter months . "SAD" syndrome google SSRI sertonin reuptake inhibitor this is the class of drug ou r current anti depressants are they do not add serotonin instead. stops our body from depleating it. I was started on celexa immediately after my bleed & surgery - our brains need all the help they can get to function smoothly it is a little tiring so I take one at night it helps me think more logically & less emotionally. there are many different SSRI drugs - you may have to work with your doc to ensure you are on the right one.

 

I have an emotionally volatile 30 yr old daughter I've tried to convince for years finally a doc got her on one - what a change hasn't lost a job in months just makes for clearer thinking to me .

 

google serotonim SSRI celexa wellbitrin etc.

 

if it doesn't help you can always wean off it - I think its worth a try.Maybe put it out on the support board where more will see it or mention this blog and point people to it.

 

 

Susan

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Well, I hope it will soon pass and you'll be happy again real soon! I guess I stay pleased with just being alive and here with my wife and family! I think too that I don't feel bad about the stroke because of my age and I have lived a great life to this point. I use my cane, my scooter and I drive and can go anywhere I want to go! I'm retired from the Army and enjoying life because I know one day I got to go! So cheer up and live a little Katrina it's not so bad!

Fred!

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Katrina,

I would seriously consider trying the anti depressant. It seems to work for William. I took part in some stroke questionaires ...they recommended anti-depressants for stroke patients. It was the Ohio group that said that they put all of their patients on anti-depressants. i had not put William one one and the doctore did not recommend one.

I finally mentioned it to the doctor and Wm was put on zoloft. 50mg. It seems to help him. Very subtle.

 

Sometimes he still gets sad about his disability...but all in all he is happy.

 

i do pray that things get better for you.

 

I am so proud of all that you have accomplished. You give me hope.

 

Ruth

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