Today has been an amazing day. OK so it just hit mid-night so I guess I am now talking about yesterday. I am still awake just reviewing everything that happened and trying to process it all. The irony is that most of the day was taken up by a funeral!

OK funerals are NOT at the top of my like list. And this funeral was of a ninety year old woman whom I called “Mom” through my teen years. I will miss Gay so much but I believe that she is in a better place. I have felt every emotion in the book I think. I am sad in missing someone who I have known and cherished for most of my life, but happy that she is no longer struggling. Spending time with friends that I have not seen in years was wonderful as we cried and laughed together.

I had the privilege too of talking with women I have known and respected for many years who have had their own trials in caring for their spouses. Since I have had to go through these years of care giving, it has always been important to try to lighten the load that other care givers have. I think that all the women that I chatted with today were all my parent’s ages but they all expressed a relief to share their troubles with someone that could actually understand what they are going through. I bonded with one lady that lost her husband last fall and is learning to live by herself for the first time. Since I am living alone for the first time (except for college kids who pop in a few weeks a year) we swapped ideas on what we have learned. Another lady is struggling with getting her stroke survivor to give up driving. She also shared how hard it is for her to watch him cross the highway when he goes to the store. I know that each of these women went home feeling the same sense of camaraderie that I did.

My mother was also there. She works one day a week at that church as a volunteer in the office. Something few people know about. I was proud that my lady friends were encouraged that if my mother could do volunteer work with her limitations all of them could as well. Since Mom cannot walk very steadily she normally cannot attend the buffet style meals that are common at that church. Today I was able to do my thing which meant getting her a place to sit while I ran around making sure she got her plate filled and tea made. I enjoy doing this for my mother and don’t give much thought to it but today others saw it. I don’t care for accolades but it did feel rather good to have my job as caregiver validated. I think that my mother looked at me through new eyes too!

Next activity of the day was a long visit with Dick. I usually share with Dick what I have been doing and he was so loving as I told him of my loss of my dear friend. I also shared with him that I am likely to lose two more ladies soon as well. The assistant pastor was actually called during the funeral meal today to be with another woman not expected to last many more hours. As I started telling Dick about that lady he stopped me and told me she was gone! How does he know this stuff?! I don’t know that Marcia has passed yet but I do know she was unresponsive. But the man, who did not recognize his own house a few weeks back, proceeded to tell me about her. She has visited Dick many times over the last couple of years and today he was able to recall AND communicate all he had learned of her! He did it in such a companionate way knowing that she has been a part of my life for so long.

Next, things got a bit weirder. He told me that I needed to be prepared to let him go soon! I have gone through times when Dick has been in such pain that he has prayed for God to take him home. I have gone through times when Dick has felt so down that he has lost his desire to live. This was so different. There was contentment in him and a concern for me to be prepared and willing to let him go when his time comes. I have a dread of the day when I have to say good-bye to this dear man but as he talked to me today I was not sad but felt the love that he was trying to express to me.

This is all complex. So, I am still in awe of the ability that Dick had to think clearly and to be able to communicate his thoughts so well. Both of these things are rare these days. In a small way I felt that I had “my Dick” back for a little while.

I know that all this must sound strange because it sure sounds that way to me. Considering that this is the last week of my two “Ruth” months, I feel like I have had a soothing balm poured over me before getting back to the decision process with a fresher head this next month. I have determined not to make any big decisions in February and March but I have still been giving thought to things during this time. I am so very glad that I did take “off” these two months because I find myself infused with a greater acceptance to the way things are. Sure I’d like them different but I guess I have learned to be more content and to look for the many positives and blessings that show up all the times even in very unexpected ways.

Ruth