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another rotten day april 15 2012


nancyl

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dan woke up yesterday in a good mood. we were headed out to fago tovisit my sick aunt and shop a little ( had the 15 yr daughter with)... He got really aggitated all the suddens never did figure out specifically why but it was directed at beth i believe..... she is such a good girl... and he is so mean to her ( no other word for it)..... he just BLEW UP . he simmered down a little and was given the option to return home with our other daughter. but decided to come with--- made it clear he wanted to be back to go to 4:30 mass. we were.... when we got to fargo he wouldnt get out of the car. wouldnt eat woldnt drink just generally not pleasent. we came back and we were back for church but he refused to go to church..... we came home he went to bed. that was at 5 pm saturday. it is 6 pm and he has refused except for once to get out of bed. I got him up the one time to clean him up.. and he did take his pills and trank a little a bottle of ensure. then back to bed. watches TV off and on and will converse some with me. but he is a crab. i asked if he would at least get out of bed and sit up in living room, ok so I went to help him up and said no.. I said dan you just said you would ya I know and then he laughed.... He drank a little bit of water and i left him to his own devises-- watch TV sleep what ever. It is our son in laws B=day and we dont get to go visit.... i'm really thinking i made a mistake... maybe a nursing home is where he needs to be- I don't know? He can do so well then nothing and with my own health stuff I'm way to crappy feeling to deal with his crap... I just am loosing that "light" of faith... how much more??? and at this point except for everyone here death would sure be easier. Dont anyone get freaked out it just one of those thoughts. not a "plan" i'm just questioning everything today... nancyl

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Nancy; could it be time to leave a sandwich, bottle of water or whatever he drinks and just leave him alone? I don't know if this is possible for Dan, but it must might be time to walk away for a few days. Be sure he has food and drink available and other than his medications, just leave him be. Just a thought: Debbie

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your right debbie and infact today i'm doing pretty much just that... when i re read my meassage i sound either homicidal or suicidal--- i assure you i'm neither ... maybe he is craving alone time to. nancyl

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People outside of these situations have no clue how hard it is on both ends of stroke. Is there a stroke support group or caregivers group in your area? My husband found a couple of understanding men with situations similar to his/ours and it helped his feeling of being alone in his role.

 

Not that I am ever unreasonable or have been less than an absolute delight since my stroke. ha!

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Nancy: I thought at times that that was perhaps true of Bruce as well-just wanting some time alone. But all he does, the brief amount of time I have left him, is watch TV. Which he does pretty much when I am here as well. So unless I push and prod, he would not do anything towards his own recovery, so for now, it must remain on me to enforce. But Bruce is so agreeable, so there lies the difference.

 

I did not think you were homicidal or suicidal. But you and I talk often. But I do see the frustration and disappointment. You have done your best to get him on the right medications and offered all the help and therapies he needs. If he can be left alone for a bit, maybe you should take some time to refocus and take care of other things and yourself and family for a few days: ball games, library, window shopping, a walk. Just to clear your own head and get some peace and happiness for yourself. Debbie

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Nancy, I wish I had brilliant words of wisdom for you but I don't. I do really understand where you are coming from. My youngest girls were still in school when Dick stroked. These girs had always been the pride of his life. But a couple years post-stroke he began treating them horridly. I do know that when you feel badly, young people seem to suck the energy out of you just by being in the room. At first Dick would realize afterwards what he had done and appologize but that didn't go over well with the girls. It places us in a dreadful position caught between two generations whom we love. Of course the first thing I look for whenever Dick seems off is a UTI. The majority of the time that is the cause. Another thing to consider is that we all have times when we just feel off and want to crawl away and be left alone. Dan may just need some space.

All of this is depressing. Even when we are not clinically depressed. I think there are times when most caregivers think that this is just no life to live. No, it doesn't make us suicidal or homicidal but it often reflects a belief that there is something better after death.

There comes a time when some of us seriously do have to concider nursing homes. One of the first things to think about is just a respite time for a week or so. I don't know what is available to you but Dick is entitled to four weeks of respite a year through the VA. When the respite is for you I advise that you either not visit at all or limit it to maybe a couple visits. Hard I know but it is the best way to recharge you own batteries.

My husband has been in a nursing home for two years. He has vascular dementia and his aggression towards the girls and my poor health were the main factors that mede this necessary. Everyone must determine for themselves when this is truely a viable course of action. It isn't easy having him there. You do tend to trade one set of responsibilities for another. You also do usually have at least the nights all to yourself. I am in the process of considering bringing Dick home now that our girls are gone most of the time. It is taking me a LONG time to fully make a decision. This too is not easy.

I guess I would suggest that you give Dan a break and yourself a break before making any decisions. Likely you will feel different in a couple weeks. If you don't then start your research.

Ruth

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