• entries
    813
  • comments
    3,772
  • views
    232,575

learning to be diplomatic

swilkinson

Entry posted by swilkinson

1,887 views

 Share

With Ray in full-time care now I face a lot of events that are beyond my control owing to policies of the facility in which he lives. For me as a former full-time caregiver and now a supervisor of his in-residence care I am having to learn a whole lot of new diplomatic skills to deal with new situations.

 

I have laid down a policy for them to follow on all sorts of circumstances, what to do if he has a bad virus, what to do if he stops breathing (yes, do send him to hospital) what to do to bring him out of seizures, when to notify me, when to use the head nurse's discretion etc. There doesn't seem to be a support group for people in my situation so I still rely on this site and a couple of others dealing with dementia where some people have put their loved ones into full-time care.

 

I have had to learn not to feel out of control when Ray gets sick or something goes wrong in his life. It is very hard to do sometimes. At present the NH is "closed" due to an epidemic of gastric virus and I haven't seen him for a week so I have to rely on phone calls to staff. It is very frustrating. The staff of course are focused on preventing the disease from spreading so visitors are locked out until the epidemic is conquered in this facility. I understand that but desperately want to see Ray, I miss him so. Gastric viruses have hit most local nursing homes. Ray's has been in lock down since last Monday, Mum's since last Wednesday. I haven't been to see either of them as I don't want to spread it unnecessarily...sigh.

 

My daughter Shirley came up on Tuesday with her two children and I was so happy to have them with me. Because of the rain we had to spend a lot of time inside and I was glad she was able to take her coffee out on the verandah with a book and have some quiet time while the grandchildren and I danced and played noisy games on the Wii. As a Salvation Army officer her life is a busy one and I do want her to have some down time. Those who do not take care of their own needs cannot take care of the needs of others.

 

They stayed for three nights but she had to go home without seeing Ray or her Grandmother. It was very frustrating for her. I enjoyed her and the two grandchildren being here and we made the most of our time together,including a fifteen minute visit to the beach between showers. She was able to visit with both her brothers so the little cousins caught up with each other too.

 

During that time I was unable to use the internet at all as we had three days of heavy rain so my internet link has been down again, back up again now thank goodness. Oh the joys of modern technology! That meant she had only Saturday to prepare for her church meeting today and tonight so she forfeited her usual Saturday off. I know it is a sacrifice she makes to come here and I do appreciate that.

 

I've just replied to a message that included the fact that adult children in a family do not step up to the plate when we need them. I have written on this subject a lot during my blog writing here and I don't have the answer, just that wistful question - why? In my times when I needed my children to visit I have screamed and yelled, cajoled and threatened, begged and cried and sometimes it has worked out and my children have visited and most of the time it hasn't.

 

I know with my sister not seeing Mum that it is a sad, sad thing but it is part of human nature that we feel we have the right to make our own decisions, mine is to visit Mum, hers is not to. I still see my sister, I don't make two wrongs into a right as my Dad used to say. It is another case of being diplomatic. I leave her to her own conscience. I just wish she had visited Mum in the facility the 10 years and more that Mum has been there. Just as I now wish my own children would see their Dad more often. As the saying goes "wishing won't make it so".

 

Asha, I am trying once more to "go with the flow" I hope one day it seems the right thing to do.

 Share

7 Comments

Recommended Comments

nancyl

sorta off topic but also on topic of adult children--- so far my kids have been great, but of course i'm for the most part encouraging them to get on with their young new starting lives. but my mom died about a year ago... most of her children who did not live in the area made a legitimate attempt to come and see her if it was affordable... and ALL sent their children ( moms grandchildren ) back to ND for a month with grandma... she enjoyed that a lot... but one brother who could most certainly afford it !!!! would not come and see her--- he and his wife spent close to 100,000 taking care of her parents... but coming up and spending a week with mom was asking to much i guess... and like i said he could afford it ... because mom loved us kids so much i found it paticularily hurtful for her. although she complained very little we knew it hurt.... the year before mom died i wrote a letter to a siblings saying lets get together we all know how much it means to her... but even though we left the timing up to them - when would be best for them to come... they just couldnt do it--- to tired- to stressed- to what ever.... and that might be something i could stomach if they hadnt went to such lengths to take care of his wifes parents... mom only wanted a crumb... well with mom gone it is on them, but i still feel that pain mom must have felt every-year my brother would call with an excuse as to why he couldnt come... i mean there are 365 days in a year.... just my throw in nancyl

Link to comment
Sudz

Nancy so sorry your mom had to hurt because of your bro's neglect/selfishness. now he has to live with his mistake/guilt etc.

 

I'm in Alberta Canada. brother in Reno & sis in Houston - she was the one taking care of Mom in Houston. in order to get down when Mom went to nursing home.I told my eldest daughter ( a nurse) I would finance the trip if she would take me down- 2 tickets x approx $800.00 on charge card handicap room for a week all meals, shopping etc. bribery. I still have urinary issues & would never make it down & up off a plane toilet. -- she hasdme get a catheter from my doc & put it inHher taking me , dressing & looking after me was the only way I could go. we did that twice once be A few years later after she broke her hi pMom was real bad but on her way down then we did it a few years later after she had deteriorated from her hip break - just before we called in paliative care . by that time I had spent several thousand $'s to get me down to see her twice do what some things you can't puit s price on - it was hard to see her on her deathbed, but I know my & my daughter being there . meant a lot to her. she died at 85 within a month of our second trip. as hard as it was Ichose not to turn around & go back down for the funeral. my daughter had used her vacation time to take me when it was important & we saw her alive making that decision was a struggle . but my brother & sister understood. I helped my sis plan the service & hymns . at 8 yrs older I remembered more of Mom's normal time. I sent a small writing to my nephew to read at her service from me my brother recorded the service & said a few things. such as the hyms we had chosen he,too, could remember her breaking into song with them while doing housework. plus he remember Lara's theme from Dr Zhivago as something she sang alot & used it as background. & even though separated by miles - we came together for this . as hard of a decision it was to not go - I know I went when it mattered . I am just so thankful my older daughter was willing & available to do this for me.

 

 

sorry he hurt your mom but tit is done.& behind you. I'm sure your mom in heaven has forgiven him.& would hate to see a rift between her children.

 

for me I had to see my my momma - both for me & her. we girls are a bit more in tune with that - than the boys - I think.

Link to comment
fking

Well we just have to wait out the virus or whatever it may turn out to be diagnosed as but the good thing is it not spreading to others. I wonder about the workers in the facilities and how they handle coming in to work and having to return home when their shifts are ended? Hopefully it is not in the clothing they use while there if they wear them home again!

 

Anytime a loved one is in a nursing facility away from you it is hard to cope but necessary under certain conditions such as yours Sue! I know how you must miss Ray and your mum! I've had to endure that separation while in the military and that is why now if at all possible I want to remain at home! That puts a hardship on the spouse of a financial burden on the budget that has already taken a hit since the stroke! My prayers are with you Sue!

Link to comment
ruthpill

Sue,

WE missed you. Now I know what happened.

I am sorry to hear about the lock down.

Yes, I do learn alot from your blogs.

Thank you for telling us your story.

 

I will help me if at some point in time...I will have to travel that same road.

 

Ruth

Link to comment
Ethyl17

Sue: as much as you know why Ray and Mum need isolation, I can certainly understand the frustration of not being able to look in on them. I only hope this is resolved soon and you can spend some time with them.

 

I was so thrilled for you when I learned of Shirley's visit with the grandchildren. That was just the break you needed right now. Sorry about the weather, but sometimes it is nice to have time to sit back and just visit.\

 

Glad the computer is back up. We did so miss you!

 

Bruce has no family, but he has some wonderful friends. It is amazing who has stepped up-some of those I never expected. And those I feel should have, stay away. There is no telling.

 

As much as the top four did for Mom, she always worried and fretted about the three babies. I think she felt that their downfall was her fault in that she was forced to go to work when the twins were born, Daddy had to take a position which kept him away all week and that the bottom three were still young teenagers when Daddy died. With only our Britt to go by, I have no clue. But since I am all Bruce has, I have to focus on what is best for him and call in those troops that are supportive. Glad to have you back, Debbie

Link to comment
AZ Leah

Dear Sue: all I can say is that I will pray for you and Ray. I don't know how you bare up; the Lord is certainly with you. I don't ask why anymore no matter what. I've been in the doldrums lately so haven't blogged even tho' I know it would do be good. You are SO very good about sharing, Love to you, Leah

Link to comment
Guest
Add a comment...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

×