jeez i wrote a whole entry then somehow the page jumped to the message board. Well I felt like blogging while I was in a good mood. but after my whole entry got washed away not in such a good mood anymore but still motivated I am motivated to get my hand back. Maybe its the zoloft but I really feel like I can get better. I will not be like this for long. I have been like this long enough. I am learning about Faith in my Faith & Healing class at church. It is very helpful and so scriptural. I am learning the difference between faith and hope and how to pray and believe.

I am tired of laying on my arm all day. My wrist has become so bent, my nails scratch my arm. I try wearing the splint but my wrist just flops back down when I take it off. The wrist support is pretty uncomfortable as well. The metal piece digs in my arm and my nails dig into the splint. E-stim is what I need. I am determined to get the bioness or some type of e-stim. Stretching, praying, and wearing the splint just isn't enough. I start working and summer school in a few weeks so I do not have time to waste on the same old therapy and botox. Not really trying to go back on baclofen neither. The biggest thing I learned from reading Stronger After Stroke was e-stim. I think this is going to be my miracle. I really do. All I can remember is the pain/pleasure feeling of the bioness straightening my fingers. It hurted so bad but felt so good. If I could just get the device I swear I'd use it all day everyday for however longs it takes to get my hand working again. Even if I have to go into debt and fork out the $8000 myself I will do anything to be able to use it again. I gotta get my hand back! I try moving it everyday. My brain knows its there. I want to use it so bad now it moves when I think about doing things with my right hand. I just know Im going to get it back.

I feel really great. I am excited about going back to work for the summer. I also feel more healthy because I decided to be a vegetarian again. I ran out of miralax last month and did not want to have to worry about the constipation so I quit meat and went to the store and spent $80 on fruits, veggies, and fiber foods everything from activia to prunes. I have been drinking lot of water and take one a day women multivitamins with my iron pills. I dont know if its my new diet, the zoloft, or my bible class but Im starting to feel a lot better. I just want to be my best. I want to be made whole.