OK - so I have "tooled" (Mary Beth's word for the way Bruce moves himself in the WC) around the site now for 2 hours, getting my head together. Blog/Post. But this will end up longer than I think, in that I will also be getting my own head around it. So for those of you who do not have time or want to deal with another "Debbie" drama, you can just by pass.

It has been a difficult week for me. I resumed taking Bruce out every day. Extending our errands so he would get out. The test on him doing more for himself or initiating recovery fell flat on its face. He is so used to me planning out the day, reminding him of what needs to be done, what he is expected to do. My fault, I know, but just like his morning routine, which he breezes through himself, adding new responsibilities in takes time and baby steps.

There was some light on Saturday, when he was adament he "had plans" and did, in fact, step up with his ideas. This did not include swimming, which was on the game plan, but he kept himself busy, without TV for a few hours and then helped prep dinner. So I know he is starting to get his mind around all of this.

I received some bad news from my Ortho on Tuesday. My bones are not good. We are ruling out any metabolic issues-blood and urine tests-and will meet again in two weeks to discuss the findings. Then my PCP called, upset about the bone density issues, and I had to explain what was happening with the Ortho, since the report from the Ortho was not yet faxed to my PCP. Doctor is suggesting more caregiver time here to reduce the amount of physical work I have to do with Bruce, at least for a year, until the new meds increase my bone mass.

Wednesday we had an incredible day on the Estim bike. Bruce's therapist, even tho we are now in the independent program, comes over often and stops the bike to change his settings. This means Bruce as to start over from square one and it makes him crazy. Wednesday, Bruce and I went start to finish without interruption. I understand PT's viewpoint. She needs for the electrical stimulation to reach his deepest muscles. It is trial and error. How painful is the increase and can he tolerate it? If not, reset lower and start again. We are three weeks into this. The man does not exercise. Go on the lowest setting and let him fly. All exercise is good. Wednesday, he went over 3 miles and peddled for 45 minutes. All of us here would applaud that!

So in light of all this, I was forced to let Leo go today. He has been with us for three years. My concern was that he leaves Bruce alone. This has happened quite a few times. At first he would justify it by saying Bruce wanted Burgers for dinner. Of course Bruce does, what person wouldn't. But it was really about Leo and his need to get his own errands done, on my time with my vehicle. He was let go from work last Thursday. Friday when I picked him up he went to cash his paycheck before going to my house. I let that slide - he had just lost his job. But last night he left to go get cigarettes. I had left his pay at home, but Bruce said he came in and left again "to go get cigarettes." I suspected this, but Bruce confirmed it.

My main thinking was that if he has convinced himself that it is OK to leave Bruce for five minutes, what is to say that in 3 months it will be OK to leave him for more time. I am so angry I could scream. And yet, I reflect on what Sue advised this week about Bruce's reaction to what I feel are peripheral issues. Bruce says he is OK with all of this, but at this hour he is still awake, agitated. At least Sue gave me the heads up so I know what is going on.

I, of course, have back up plans. Cathy may want another night and the night hours are good for a lot of people. This does not help with adding someone for the days-pool etc. But I wasn't being aggressive about that. Now with the Ortho results, have to.

My work is fine with this. Whatever I need and it will not take long to straighten out. For that I am so thankful. Leo has called and left messages, but I am too angry to respond, so have ignored them.

I obviously have tomorrow off - no caregiver. Earlier in the week I suggested that Leo get the early bus, pick Bruce up, get his final paycheck, get his errands done in our vehicle and then I would be home for lunch. I was trying to be supportive. He is important to Bruce but guess it did not go both ways. Debbie