well here i am again--- finally broke the food strike--- he had overheard me talking about his stroke - when it happened and the idiocity of the docs... and felt if the docs wanted him to die way back when then maybe i should... well finally got that talked out and as many of you know with aphasia this took hours-- got him up showered out the door. and then we go out to eat ( our only recreation -well one of few) and he forgot and returned to the old "locked in depression" i got him into the resturant-- ordered some food for him.. he was refusing all along.... i thought this could get ugly, but then i said really we gotta do this again - i have to do this again--- laid on all the guilt i could... he grabbed his fork angily and started to eat .. after a bit we started to talk ( mind you aphasia talk) and what had happened is completley forgot his earlier hours long conversation and had just reverted into the angry dan... well we went over everything again and he seemed better.... then he wants to go to the casino--- we did had a great time -- it the oly time he gets to feel "normal" ........ on the way home we are talking again we had traveled about 100 miles and just returning home.. i asked him if he enjoyed the casino--- casino he asked?? he had no recollection of the trip ( this has happened before) just disappointing... the man gets so few good times between the seizures, illness 's , depression, residuals of siezurs like pulled muscles and the gastoperesis... that if he gets a good moment i wish he could hold on to it.... so todays food strike is over but i have a felling another one is just around the corner.... 4 corners equal a square and just like a circle i feel like i am chasing my /his ( our) tail.....

i know we talked about give me a break--- but really will our family ever catch one??? some days i wonder--- i am so thankfull i raised my kids well they are able to function without us and a good thing cause there is so little of us left--- i keep thinking if i could just stabilize him it will get better and then we hit another pothole in the road.....and i'm hanging on by a thread to my spirituality--- but our family has lost so much - his life as it was , my life as it was our familys life as it was, my mothers death- it is-- my job--it is... lost time with grandbabies that will never be regained... time with the dog... my house is a mess perpetualy..... all that tomorrow i hope to awake with a better attitude but this is my blog and "i'll cry if i want to , cry if i want to---- ect) enough bit**en for the night - right???? nancyl