Ray did have a good birthday, quieter than the Father's Day picnic as only my daughter and family and Trevor came to have lunch with him, everyone else being busy with their own lives. I did tell them one or the other if they couldn't manage both so I was okay with it. Ray enjoyed being out in the sun, he enjoyed the fuss, the birthday cake I skilfully blended into a bowl of custard, the extra attention from his daughter, son, son-in-law and grandchildren. He was very sleepy though so it was all over by 2pm.

I did enjoy the second visit by my daughter and her family in two weeks. We didn't go out to dinner this time just enjoyed a quiet dinner at home. We did watch a selection of old videos the kids love, and played on the Wii. We had a special breakfast, went to the church fete and bought some cakes and cupcakes and a variety of bits and pieces. Christopher won a bear which he presented to Pa Ray as a birthday present. They had also made "rocks" at a craft afternoon and Naomi's said "Pa rocks" and Christopher's said "I love you". Don't you just love those personalised presents? Ray had a couple fo cards from cousins and one from the sister that keeps in touch. It is as usual, out of sight, out of mind.

The grandkids seem to be able to relate to Ray okay. I guess once you've seen him in the comfy chair a couple of times it seems normal. They enjoyed kicking a ball around the park and climbing on the play equipment but of course Naomi fell and came back wailing with a scrape on her knee and another on her arm. It always happens. They left from the nursing home to go back home as Shirley had a funeral interview at 7pm for a funeral she is conducting on Monday. She has been a mentor to the daughter of the person who died for the past few weeks so feels as if she is burying a friend.

Today I had a horrible day, my usual sinus troubles flared up and I spent most of the day laying down so my nose would stop running. Rang the nursing home and nurse Julie, one of my favourites, said she would go and supervise Ray's lunch for me. She was very kind and empathised with me as she has sinus problems too. It is that warm westernly wind with it's load of tiny dry particles that have caused this. I've also run out of the medication I usually use so will go and buy some more tomorrow. My head feels as if it is a cement block so laying down is much better than sitting up.

I did manage to get a message to our minister so hopefully someone else did my duties at church today. I was sad to miss Messy Church which I love but as good health is what I need to maintain and go on looking after Ray I need to get over this as quickly as possibe and rest will help. So I will have tomorrow at home too. Hopefully by Tuesday I will be okay as I have to go to Grandparents Day at the school Tori and Alex go to, watch Tori perform in her concert and go to the rooms and admire their work. I am more or less the only available grandparent for them now so need to take my duties seriously.

The wind seems to have died down now so hopefully tomorrow and Tuesday will be fine and warm and not windy so my face begins to feel normal again. I have started to work on the garden a bit so if I am feeling better by tomorrow afternoon I will work in the garden. I need to start my Spring clean too, get down the cobwebs, sweep up the leaves the wind has brought down. Window washing would be a bit ambitious I think. It is hard to be the one doing all the clearing up but that has been the way it ihas been for the last twelve years. I just miss Ray being around to at least look at what I am doing.

Ray has been in care for twelve months now. His first six weeks were officially respite of course but it is a year last Friday since he moved forn the cottage hospital to the nursing home. I read back over those blogs so full of angst and remember the social worker saying: "You will thank me for this one day." and I don't. I don't thank her for all the angst, having to fight for more help only to be turned down and disappointed. I don't thank her for the way she bullied me into thinking I could not cope when I probably would have been able to if only for a few months.

Now is a different story. I look at Ray and know the words "severe dementia" apply to him. I see his vacant expression and his hands tucked neatly beneath the rug over his body, the way he opens his mouth to be fed and no longer attempts to take the spoon himself. I know that is because the medication for the seizures have made his good right hand shake uncontrollably sometimes so he has no confidence in being able to feed himself. I still care so deeply and am heart sick just watching him some days. It is so unfair to have a good man go through such an undignified end-of-life situation, and yet he seems to do so without the resentment that would have consumed me. He is still my gentle man.

I came on here and saw the nice comments people had wiritten about Ray's biurthday and had a nice card from Kimmie on my email so Ray is not forgotten by enveryone. I have to be grateful for small mercies.