Katrina :

I am so sorry you are feeling down again on your stroke anniversary. For me along with antidepressants reading good spiritual books & inspiring survivor stories helped me deal with my stroke. I also use gratitude journal as one of my tools & reading blogs & writing positive only blogs, all these steps helped me get out of whyme stage. I guess having young son at home & seeing him suffer due to my depression woke me up & I decided I survived for a reason & not as a punishment even though I didn't see it that way back then, but God has plans for my life was the story I told myself when I used to feel down during my stroke journey. some chirstian girl told me story one time which stayed with me & made sense to me so I m going to share with you, saying we all have to carry our crosses in life, one time person was complaining to God this cross is too hard to bear, then god said go and pick up any cross from that room, person exchanged cross & then after while complained again to god this one is too hard too, & god asked him to go & select the other one, he kept on exchanging those crosses, then at the end finally he took his original cross & felt more comfortable with it. you get the idea moral of the story we all have some crosses to bear in life, but God is providing enough support so that we are able to carry our cross. when I feel down I focus on things I can still do & improve on it. yes it will be good to use both hands, but that's not the choice, I am greatful I can almost do everything in life single handely & with good attitude. at the end of the day that's what matters. atleast I am right hnded & can do almost everything with my right hand, which includes wearing my beautiful ring & all.

Asha

Katrina,

I am glad you wrote what you wrote---because it's honest. I have said it a million times and I believe it that acknowledging how things are, doesn't mean you're ungrateful for what you do have. I also believe there's a thin line in many cases between being positive and denial. People want to see other people being happy and in our society they will blame the victim--or in our case the survivor for not wearing a perpetual smile 24/7.

Write what you feel. You don't need to impress, inspire or entertain anyone.

Miracles.... I think they're a lot like watched pots. They rarely happen when we're looking for them but they do happen. O don't know if the surgeon cut away your joy or if the stroke did, but the brain regulates the ability to feel happiness, pleasure and joy too. It could very well be that your stroke damaged those parts of your brain. If that's true then you can't feel joy and all those well- meaning people have sold you a crock of crap. I do think they mean well and genuinely want you to feel happy but the thing is to not let their condemnation to become your condemnation of yourself.

There is one thing I noticed and wanted to comment on. Be careful of "never" and "always". Try to think back to all the things you couldn't do but now you can. Just because something hasn't happened doesn't mean it never will--it hasn't happened yet. That's something I have to fight myself about, too---and I don't always succeed.

In a lot of ways I feel the same way you do, in other ways our experience is different. Want to be positive? Don't give up. No matter how bad things look don't give up and determine for yourself that you will do your best. That's all any of us can do.

Jamie

Well Katrina I for one truly do understand the poem you wrote and I know now the years you suffered through the stroke and what you did or did not accomplish as you were told or you had wanted to accomplish! I look at many other cases of young and very young kids under go such a life changing event in their lives and I must say you are a survivor by every meaning of the word!

In your mind you say, 'Quote' "Nothing can amount to me getting the miracle I've been waiting for the longest" Well please let me say this** I'm the 18th child from my mother's womb, 6 did not live past three months of life and they know not what living and life is about! I feel blessed to have made it as my mom was 43 years old delivering her 18th child!

"You have life" some didn't get that chance, you survived the stroke, many others did not, you have graduated college while so many others haven't for whatever reasons" You said you can walk, you can talk and you have life as a survivor of a devastating stroke many others have died you are still here doing most of what you wish to do with your family then recently on your own."

God has been with you as He have with me and I can not live on my own without help and assistance from another person! I can't walk unassisted, cook a meal, nor survive day to day without in house help three days each week!

I figure with God I can do all things one of these days as I keep thinking Rome wasn't built in a day and for the record so many other tasks won't be completed to stand alone in a short period of time and neither will you and me or the rest of survivors alike!!

The key now is from our own knowledge and not what therapist have told us that our conditions will take time to get us back close to what we had long ago while we live out long lives on this earth!!

Again I can think of all the children and adults alike who didn't get to see a full life for one reason or another like my 6 brothers and sisters and one of my sisters I got to know but passed when I was just four years old! With that I'm saying we have another chance at love and life!

My true love showed up 14 years ago, I'm happily married to my mate and to my knowledge my life has been holding up in spite of the brain bleed stroke nine years ago now! With that I say to you Katrina, life is good and our God knows our conditions!! We all are very blessed to be here while we can smile and say thanks!!!!!

Going through a sad time myself with Ray's death just a month ago. But I am able bodied and I will recover. Katrina I am sorry you feel as you do. We do admire you here on this board for the way you have progressed and fought to get where you are today and I am sorry that is not making you happy.

Maybe for some people, well or not, happiness is illusive.

Sue.

honey - i think what you wrote - mirrors - a lot of people stroke or no stroke...nancyl

Katrina,

I'm sorry to hear that you are having trouble being happy and believe me I can relate all to well. But I have come to realize that happiness is a a state of mind and has nothing to do with your circumstances. Because if you base your happiness on your circumstances then you will be on an emotional roller coaster forever.

I follow some of Asha's methods by listening to lots of motivational books, music, and people. And going to church really keeps me grounded. The church I attend really stirs and feeds my spirit. Also, I realized that Xanax was making me feel worse so I switched to Paxil and now I'm pretty much drug free, only take it when absolutely necessary.

Also I start my day with prayer and conversation with God so that I have peace in my heart and mind as I go through the day. When I start to feel the slightest negativity I replace it immediately with something positive to keep the negativity from setting in. I know it sounds like a lot to do on a regular with all that's going on in our lives but now it's a habit and I'm more happier now than I have ever been in a very long time stroke and all.

I had my last neurologist visit the other day and they can't find the cause of my stroke. So my choices are to go on living my life without fear of having another stroke or worry myself to death about finding out why which might cause a stroke in and of itself. And I chose to move on and live my life cause more than likely it will be something else to deal with anyway.

I certainly hope the stroke didn't take away your ability to feel happy. And I'm going to believe that it didn't. Just like with everything else you've been through its a process that you need to work on getting back and it will take a lot of work and time but you can do it. Just like all other battles you've conquered I'm sure you will beat this negativity and find happiness again.

You are an amazing and beautiful young woman. And God didn't bring you this far to leave you, he might be quite and that just means he's working on some things. And he has proven to you that you can do all things thru Christ that strengthens you.

May you have peace and many blessings.

Pam

Katrina, I for one am glad you posted this. It does pretty much mirror how I am feeling. I also wonder if I will ever experience true happiness again and truly cant imagine that I will. I feel that God is angry with me and feel shame for feeling that way. And winning the lottery won't "buy" our body back to the way it was before so even that wouldn't make me happy.

I am much older than you so was able to experience so much before my stroke. My heart aches for you that you have been cheated in life by your stroke for so much longer than most of us. People on this site offer encouragement and positivity and that is good, but it also helps to hear about when they are feeling down too. Sometimes I feel like I am so very alone in feeling this way and that it makes me a bad person not to be able to experience happiness despite my condition when it appears that everyone else is able to do this.

So thank you for helping me to realize that I am not alone. I really admire you for how far you have come and all you have been able to accomplish despite your stroke. I just pray that we both will be able to one day experience happiness and joy again........

Dena

Thank you guys so much. All your comments helped put a smile on my face. I am so glad for this site! You guys always know the right things to say I am glad I made this blog entry instead of keeping it to myself. It helped to read your comments every word

I'm glad you are feeling better. I think it's something one can expect, to feel overwhelming sad emotions on the anniversary of a bad event. I hope that means that now that it is passed, you are on your way back up to feeling better again. It's not exactly the same thing, but I'll tell you my story anyway. Years ago, I had a devastating health problem, that incapcitated me, leaving me in bed for years. I was covered in pain, around the clock. The only way I could survive so much pain, was to turn off my emotions and feel nothing. That's what I did, living a shell of a life, nothing inside. I got lucky though. One day I heard beautiful music, I'd never heard before, sang by someone who sang it with so much emotion that something inside me awakened. I didn't even know the words, since he was singing in Spanish, but I felt the emotions. It woke my feelings up, and I began to feel again. I don't think it could have worked with the music I already knew, it was taken for granted. It was something completely new, and so I couldn't dismiss it so easily.

I know what other people in this predicament might find as a trigger, but that was mine. It gave me back my self, which lacking emotion, was just an existance.

But don't throw the towel in on your improvement, it goes on for the rest of your life. I've read people getting things back 10 years down the road - there is no window! Keep writing, expressing yourself, and try to find one thing a day to be thankful for. I remember in the bad days, I'd have dry heaves from 6am till noon, and be sweating bullets, soaking wet, feeling like a furnace was emitnating from inside, curled up in the fetal position. I was never so thankful for air-conditioning.

You've done so much to be proud of, what a strong lady you are!

It's ok to be mad. That is a feeing too. I hope that these feelings r not here to stay forever. I know u will feel happy again when it's the right time. Right now I feel fear, and I'm actually happy about that because before that I was in denial. Denial really served me a purpose. The purpose was to get through the pain and sadness. Now I know that the next time I'm happy it will be because its a real moment, and I deserve it. It will happen for u and just be open to recognize it and take the time to enjoy it. Thanks for sharing the truth. Proud is the feeling I had when I read it.