I can’t believe how much has happened since I last blogged. All in all, I think in retrospect I’ve made quite a bit of progress and a lot of positive and some not-so-positive decisions. The photo is me and my one week old great-nephew (Roman) taken a month ago. The new keep up with those we miss.

I wanted to blog to give you some indication for my absence of late from this site, so this will be rather lengthy and some of you may not mind. On October 23, 2011, as most of you know, my life fell apart worse than when I had my stroke when my husband Jerry of 27 years died of lung cancer. It had only been diagnosed 3 mo, 2wk (stage 4) prior and I had fallen that week and was in the hospital with a compressed fracture of L1 and in a brace when I found out. Besides my personal pain, I obviously suffered from shock, grief, fear and agony from the anticipated loss of my primary caregiver since my stroke in 2006. I had a miraculous recovery and independence until 2010 when I fell and punctured a lung and then again in 2011 when I "broke" my back and now needed a lot of care again. The brace made it so I could hardly move.

After Jerry’s memorial service, for which I had a lot of help from friends, I was almost paralyzed with confusion and needed guidance of what steps to take next to get through everything. I can only say that with God’s help and Jerry’s spirit I was able to accomplish more than I thought would be possible. Since we had no children, it might have been easier in one respect but I had a lot work to do, as I had to appoint new trustee and co-trustees and so the amount of paperwork wasn’t decreased. Besides confusion I have also suffered from lack of motivation, enthusiasm, severe chronic fatigue, depression, social anxiety and fear of the unknown. I started thinking "am I really forgetting what is told to me or is it the other person who thinks they told me so they are really who is distracted or who forgot."

A lot of the friends I thought I had slowly have “disappeared” but the ones that stayed with me have been a God-send. I have many old friends (some from junior high days) who I talk with or email and they have helped along with a local stroke support group when I can make it and this on-line stroke website. I have stayed away from social media sites – just too much. I have prayed and meditated daily. I have a wonderful daily meditation book on grief and I quote one sentence: “Judge no one who has not been in his shoes. Only from within me can my timetable of grief be discovered." I feel I have dealt well with the degree of grief I have gone through. I attribute this to God through readings for my survival, emotionally, physically and mentally. All of these readings have been passed on by other spiritual people, thus the channel from my Higher Power. I also have a long-term care policy that I feel He was responsible for and so have had wonderful caring needed daily caregivers from about 9:00 to 4:30. I’ve been able to manage my nights due to exercise I commenced as soon as I could have the brace removed. I have continued with physical therapy both at a site and at home since then and walk with a walker or cane.

It will be a year this Tuesday, October 23, since Jerry's death, nd 4 friends are meeting for a lunch near my home. These ladies have all been through a lot, 2 are widows also, one very recent and the other is still grieving a separation of a long relationship plus the death of her father. This gathering will bring us together and honor our loved ones and give gratitude for the time they were in our lives. We all knew each other, in fact one of the ladies and one of the husbands used o unselfishly drive Jerry to his chemo sessions.

We (I think I will always say “we” meaning Jerry and I”) have two cats. Petey had been a mutual loving and caring cat with Jerry. Gigi usually stayed away from that relationship and stayed with me knowing I needed healing attention.

Oddly enough, Petey has stayed away from his normal places in our home and bed. But in the last week, he has stayed next to me on the sofa when watching TV and sleeping with me at night. Gigi has stayed out of our way (usually under the bed). I believe that animals, being very instinctive, Petey has known it’s almost a year and the Lord and Jerry will see God’s will and progress will be made. I feel Jerry’s presence in every room of the house and I feel after Tuesday he will still be here but I will be able to start afresh. Just this week I have returned to our club and will work out with the physical trainer both of us worked with for 14 years.. I don’t think I have made much physical progress in the last 8 months and now it is time to move on. I hope this also pertains to the physical fatigue I have had which will make it possible to enlarge my world as a whole – strength, church, friends, social events, independence, and many more.

This week begins for me what I hope is a new beginning. Today is the first day of the rest of my life, with Jerry and the wonderful thoughts and memories never left behind. Love to all stroke survivors and family, Leah