Hi Everyone, I have not blogged for quite awhile. John passed away 6/28/11. The melanoma he had removed 7 yrs ago Came back Full force. He was diagnosed 4/27/11.... Little did I know when we walked out the door on the 27th... would be his last time walking out of the house.

My stroke took a back burner, rarely even though about it. I am a 9 yr survivor, and a very Lucky one, my deficits are mainly those you can not see. My left side can be a bit clumsy and I have a slight limp. My impairments are mostly, memory, focus, etc the ones that do NOT show.

I tried with the help of my daughter to keep his business going, but HE was the business. I closed it the end of April this yr. My doctors urged me to do so.

I was under so much stress and went down to 101 lbs. I did not take the time to grieve for my Love. So once the business and stress was gone, the Grief hit hard. There is no way around grief, you have to go through it.. ALL of it.

My daughter & husband moved in with me. Grandson moved in about 6 months ago. Daughter & husband got jobs over in Eastern Washington. about 4 hours away and through a mountain pass. so visit startin in late October thru Spring can be difficut and at time not possible. ( I do not want them coming over when it is dangerous.)

Bill is now 19 he is 6fr6" seems to be hoding there for the last few yrs. He leaves at 6am and gets home at 6 pm. Sometimes I cook dinner, and if I don't feel like it I keep microwave meals, and things he can fix.

My house is laid out perfect... On one end is a living room 2 bedrooms and full bath, then French Doors between the living and Family Room. with a master bedroom and bath. the dining room, kitcchen,lundry across the back. He is a typical 19yr old. We chat a few minutes, he always thanks me for dinner. and then off to his room.. I get hugs.. and love. and I know he appreciates being here. I do his laundry..LOL

These things give me something to do, but the days can still be long and lonely. Especailly the weekends. The little things I miss, whiskers in the sink, toothpaste on the mirror. Just walking by the couch and ruffling Johns beautiful thick curly hair. the big Hug and smooch when he got home from work,

Him telling me this dinner was his "favorite" and us laughing that everything was his "favorite."

I do cook some now... and I know Bill is appreciative, but the JOY of making the meal is NOT there.

Grief is different for everryone, and NO one "get's over it" The get over it or snap out of it. is VERY insulting. There is a HOLE in your heart, it is like part of you has been amputated.

We have all gone through the challenge and grief from stroke, We are still here as challenging as that is sometimes. We can still fell the sun on our skin, we can still challenge ourselves for more recovery, even if it seems small

Stroke is difficult and I wish it on NOONE, but it is a challenge we have hope we can work hard for more..

I Lost my Number 1 Cheerleader, the one who noticed the small improvement who encouraged me, I am where I am because of him..

Our 17 yr old cat passed away a few months ago. I still have one cat, the one John found at the human society, who looked so much like our first Calico, I had her when I met John.. she was 18 when we she crossed the Rainbow Bridge.

I have the 5 dogs, Muggsy is now 16 he is a minature pinscher that John bought me, If I am crying he is the first to get on the bed and rub my face, give me kisses and lick my tears,, not long after the other 3 join me Romeo & Molly are from his only "litter" they are now 15. Molly has some heart disease, she is on a water pill, a heart pill and an allergy pill. She has also become blind. It was difficul to watch her bump into things, but she knows her way aroung the house. I try not to move anything. keeping the throw rugs in the same spot. I carry her down the stairs to the yard, but she can come up the stairs and into the house, I leave the sliding glass door open, and have a mat in front of the door, so she knows the textures and where to go.

I also bought a small piece of astro turf for the deck, I had carpal tunnel surgery, I can hose off the astro turf. If she gets confused or needs help she lets out a high pitched yelped. Romeo also 15 is doing well Alyese out little toy fox terrier is now 13. she has 3 teeth and lost an eye last yr. but she is doing fine. Mindy our big 80 lb Australian shep/border collie is 9 she has a thyroid problem. and she is slowing down.

My fur babies ( John called the our kids) are a reason to get up in the morning, I feel their love and the bond between John & I.

I had kind of dropped out of the world for a bit, took time to grieve, and still miss him like crazy. Losing your spouse leaves a large void.

I joined a grief group. we were a group of 9 and although the 6 week class is over, we have decided to have lunch and meet once a month. I have made some new Widow friends. friends who do not say he is in a "better place" or aren't you over it yet. Friends I can share crying times and happy memories.

I am working one life as a "widow" I am still me and my sense of humor is returning

I have NEVER forgotten my family here. I just had to step back and take care of ME for awhile.

Love and Hugs to you ALL my other family.