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reflections on grief


swilkinson

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I can't believe I had three phone calls today telling me why friends were not at Mum's funeral yesterday. Forget it friends, you were not there. But Mum was 94, had been out of circulation for twelve years and so I was not surprised that only fifty people came. Really only four of her friends, my church friends and mine and my sister's families were there. So today why do I need to know who was not there, well I know that already, and why? Just send a card folks, that is all you need to do.

 

The funeral went well, no-one made a fuss which was nice and most stayed to afternoon tea again done generously by the craft group ladies. I really do appreciate the effort they have made. It is hard to ask for them to do two funeral teas for the same family two months apart. But there they were smiling and pouring tea. I will join in with them again as soon as I am stable emotionally and will be there for others. The loving care from others does need to be paid forward.

 

There was a lot of tears from our family at the graveside and in the church. I think Trevor in particular was still crying for Ray. It is hard to face the reality of another loss after only two months, very hard indeed. I was so glad once again of the help of my dear daughter and her husband. I wrote the eulogy, Craig delivered it, Shirley did the prayers and the Bible reading. After all they are the professionals, but Shirley cried so much she had very red eyes and when she and Craig came to sing a duet at the end of the service ( they both have wonderful voices) Craig finished up singing the last verses alone with one arm around Shirley to hold her up.

 

My favourite nephew and his sister had written a short eulogy to give on behalf of the grandchildren and in the end they read it line by line as both were cyring, Ellie for the lost years, her brother because he had still seen her until I could no longer bring her home and wasn't able to visit her after that so he really was heartbroken at the loss. It is good she was so well loved, even by the grandchildren who I would have thought had forgotten about her. She was special to a lot of people.

 

The flowers on the coffin cover were yellow roses and deep blue irises. It was a magic choice and one she would have loved. As she was interred first, as Ray was, we found a lovely picture of her to put on the table in the church with the flowers. It was taken the day of my graduation with the Diploma of Theology in 1995 and I remember she told someone she was really proud of me. As Mum was never one to praise us that was very special to me. I think she was proud of both of us but rarely said it out loud, which is a pity as we all need praise. If you haven't told your kids lately how proud you are of them or how you love them please do so today.

 

Now I am looking for time to reflect on what has been happening during the past two months. I spent so much time with Mum that all else was neglected but now I will also have so much to do sorting out the two estates that that will leave me without much time to reflect anyway. Maybe I am just a person who needs to move forward without analysing things too much. Or maybe. like when Dad died I will suddenly find myself deluged by grief some months into the future when I am assuring myself I am over all that now.

 

My next door neighbour and my daughter in law (older son's wife) are back home from England, both with a lot of stories to tell. I was on the phone to my daughter in law for about two hours this morning hearing of her adventures. After a few days with her three children I am sure it will all fade away and seem just like a dream to her. But she will have the memories, the photos and some souvenirs to cling to. Ray and I did our trips to England in 1994 and 1998 and I still remember a fair bit about those trips.

 

It was good to be in caregiver chat this morning. The main theme of course this week was Debbie's wedding coming up on December 8th. Julie (the jule1) and I want to be cyber bridesmaids and Debbie is unsure whether my yellow dress will blend with her color choice of ivory and pink. Caregivers (well everyone really) are cordially invited to attend next week's chat and join the Caregiver Chat Bachelorette party. Bob is coming in a bow tie as an honourary bachelorette of course, the more the merrier. Wine punch with strawberries will be served in honour of my English heritage!

 

Words of songs keep flashing through my head. When I think of Debbie and Bruce I think of the song which has the words: "There may be trouble ahead but while there's music and dancing and love and romance, let's face the music and dance".(Lyrics by Darius Danesh).

 

We all know that life isn't lived in a vacuum and one thing bad happening to you doesn't mean that another bad thing isn't just over the horizon just waiting to roll down on you but I am a firm believer in hope. Hope has never let me down. Whatever the trouble, whatever the struggle, however low it brings you, in the end we will turn the experience into something worth while, a new skill, a life lesson or a story to tell others. Thankfully all that has happened in the past two months will do that too.

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Sue,

what a positive note. Hope. Wonderful hope. that is so true. We learn and can pass on to others somthing. That is the most positive way to look at life.

 

I will pray for you as you make this transition into the next phase of your life.

 

Yes. I am looking forward to the party next Tuesday.

 

Ruth

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Sue, I'm so glad things went OK at the funeral and as you know people will be people and have something to say good or not so good in their own time as it was with the phone calls you received!! Just forgive them they know not what to say to you!!!

 

Every day is just another challenge for all of us to get it right!!

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Sue :

 

I strongly feel same way about hope & faith, those do take you over the hump & while doing that you learn valuable lessons in life. I do feel this earth is our school, we are here to learn valuable lessons of life & spread our love.

 

Asha

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What a wonderful family you have. The service was very special for your mum given by you and all the children.

 

I do think faith gets us through so many trials and tribulations. I know it has helped me over the years.

 

I will see you at the Bachelorette Pary!

 

Julie

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Guest lwisman

Posted

Sue,

 

Thanks for the report. We are all thinking about you. Here's to good memories and courage to face the future.

 

Take care,

Lin

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Sue: just so happy to have such fun and giggles. Just a few moments of light and love and yes, hope.

 

Thank you for blogging. Service sounded wonderful. It was a great tribute to a wonderful woman who gave so much and touched so many.

 

Like Ruth, I pray for you in this transition. So much, so fast. Peace, Debbie

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How wonderful a tradition that you have and such a kind group to administer to those in need. I'm glad you had them all around to give such comfort, and it sounds like everything was just perfect. You did a wonderful beautiful service, 2 times.

 

Oh no, I don't know what I will wear to the cyber wedding! What to do!

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sue, sounds like it was a wonderful service for your mum. if others didn't show thats dis-repect as fas as i am concerned and saddens the family members. paying last respects is the proper thing to do, if you care for someone. you have dealt with 2 big blows in a short amount of time and i'm sure your emotions are all over the place and you still have alot to do. i am praying that peace and comfort fill your heart after all of this is over with what you have left to do. i am sending you lots of love and hugs. please take care of yourself too.

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Dear Sue,that was a wonderful blog! yes, faith and hope carry you throught.

 

Looking forward to the wedding!

 

Us English love our strawberries.

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i just read about the passing of your mum and please accept my deepest condolences.

i'm so glad your family rallied around you.we love you. please keep posting. we care so very much.

blessings lynn

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