Jump to content
  • entries
    767
  • comments
    3,563
  • views
    213,620

rejoining the world

Sign in to follow this  
swilkinson

1,544 views

While I was in a daze for most of the last two months because of Ray's death I won't mourn for Mum in the same way. My mother was scornful of the sorrowful, she would say: "Look at them sitting there with long faces." so I will not mourn her. I will try to be as philosophical as those people who tell me "she was old" ( I know that), " she is in a better place" (I know that too) and she wouldn't want me to "sit around with a long face" (true). So I am trying to rejoin life again.

 

I have just finished writing the 50th Christmas card. I have sent some with a short computer-generated letter, some I have hand-written a short message in, some I have enclosed either the Graveside service sheet from Ray's service or from Mum's as a lot of those once-a-year friends and acquaintances may not yet know about their deaths. It would be easier to just sent a letter but we somehow expect a card, don't we? Of course for those of you on my email list or Facebook page you are way ahead on the information highway. I probably have 40 or so more cards to go. Next year I am cutting down the size of the list,

 

Yesterday I went to a funeral of a long time congregation member who had been in the legal profession. A lot of the older men had been to college or University togather I learned when talking to them. Some wore expensive but ill-fitting suits which made them look as if they had shrunk a lot since buying them,knowing how stressful that profession is I wondered if they have been worn down by time. Many attenders were well over 80 but seemed happy to see friends they knew and have a bit of a chat. The funeral was a very long, very formal one and the participants were very grateful for the cup of tea or coffee and cakes that followed. I did bring goodies this time, it is time for me to give back having had two funeral teas provided recently.

 

I went out to lunch today with the women from my craft group. I felt happy going out but somehow it is like there is a glass screen between me and others. I just can't get past that and I can't express real joy at the moment. The best I can do it to try and laugh in the right places and smile and be pleasant. I am still adjusting to life without Ray, life without Mum. Some people can understand that, some people can't. Some say:"your Mum wouldn't want you to be upset". That could be true but it doesn't make it any easier.

 

Tonight I went to the Lions dinner. It was a mixed night so we had wives there as well. Some of the older men were really nice and expressed their condolences on the death of my mother and their regrets that they couldn't be at the funeral. It was not expected that they be there as this is a very busy time of the year. They were there for Ray's funeral and that is what counts for me, and I told them so. It is nice of them to try to be supportive.

 

I had a phone call from an old friend who I used to work with at Social Security, when I started he was the "death desk" a position I held later. He said he used to calm the widows down by telling them: "Every time you sign your name on a document you become less Mrs Jack Smith and more MS Norma Smith, so you are not losing your life you are actually getting it back." I must say that is not the thought I've had, nor do I agree with it. But I think he was trying to be comforting. I just wondered how many poor widows left his desk howling their eyes out.

 

Obviously our Lions Club are struggling with staffing for all that has to be done at this time of the year so I put my name back down on the Christmas Stocking ticket selling roster. I will just do once a week for the next three weeks. It is not a lot and I should survive. The last thing I want to be is a drag on the Club especially as they have all been so kind to me.My partner for ticket selling, Bob, who is in his mid-eighties, said kindly it will be good to "have the old team back together again."

 

So now I have a list of things I have to do between now and Christmas. It is the busy season, the party season, the end-of-the-year function season. It may also be the season to be jolly but I am not sure I am up to jolly as yet. I am going to help out with one of the once a month meet and greets we hold for the very elderly, just a big morning tea as a Christmas break-up next Tuesday morning. I think I am up to that. Little steps as in any form of recovery, small details, small decisions...nothing drastic.

 

Maybe by the time all the various committees go back at the end of January, beginning of February I will feel more settled in myself and more willing to take a greater part in church life. But in the meantime life goes on.

Sign in to follow this  


13 Comments


Recommended Comments

Sue, I'd say for all that you've been through these past few months, you're doing quite well. I can't even begin to think about Christmas cards, as I just don't have the energy to do so. You are definitely one tough cookie!

 

Sarah

Share this comment


Link to comment

Sue, Glad to hear you're getting out and "socializing", especially at this time of the year. At least when the season is over, your January is summertime, and not the dreary season it is here! I know you will be OK, even if there are moments when it doesn't seem like it. But you will be yourself again eventually; you are a strong woman plus your church is giving you so much support and I imagine that must be comforting too. Hang in there!

Share this comment


Link to comment

Sue,

Yes adjustment takes time. We know that our loved ones are in a better place. But, it is still hard on us. Even though we intellectually know that things are better for them. WE still mourn.

getting into the spirit of Christmas is hard for me. I am so glad that you are doing better at it than I am.

I cannot believe that you got your Christmas cards done.

You are amazing.

 

Give yourself time. Take care of yourself. I know that it is difficult.

 

Ruth

Share this comment


Link to comment

Sue, keeping busy, that is the ticket. I have been there. You can allow yourself to mourn but you need to also take care of yourself and live your life too. See you in chat!

 

Julie

Share this comment


Link to comment

Sue, You've been through so much in a few months. You are so courageous. It's hard to get your life back to "normal", whatever that is. We spend so much of our time taking care of others that it's difficult to remember "normal". You're doing a wonderful job. Please continue taking care of yourself.

 

MJ

Share this comment


Link to comment

" glass wall" what a terrific description ----- i felt that way many , many years ago when dad died ( i was 23 with 3 little kids) - i was in the world of the living but not connected - yet - with mom, when she passed i was so dazed from dans stroke (He was still in rehab) and moms death sudden, but not at the same time---- but she taught us well just as your mom taught you-- we miss mom , but i felt so fortunate to have had her as a mom- that she is never far away -- with lessons and values she instilled in us.... now sue, you are returning to the --land of the living-- where your mom wants you to be ( and Ray to).... i guess the saying, " fake it till you make it" applies --- we gotta do the physical motions and hopefully the emotions will follow......... thanks for sharing your world with us... your "now" is our future..... and i am gratefull for your insight..nancy

Share this comment


Link to comment

I welcome you back to start a clean slate with fond memories of Ray and the times you visited mum before she passed into heaven!! Maybe the humming birds out back can keep you busy watching them until the weather gets cold there and they disappear for the winter!!

 

Here they go to Mexico during the winter while the birds fly south to Florida!! Right now we got the butterflies in swarms and the fruit flies on the screens trying to get in the house!!

 

I still hope one day my wife and I can come visit you while she gets to hold a Koala bear and get close to a kangaroo, the mascot at one of our high schools!!!

Share this comment


Link to comment

Sue: I admire your energy and willingness to get involved during this hard time. I'm doing Christmas cards which may be the last year except for my sisters and brother. Everything is just too hard. I ordered gifts on line and only two needed shipped. I shopped for my little great-nephews here and with xmas bags nowadays, it is easy to wrap. A friend of mine gave me a lot of one she had. I have a cold right now which makes it hard to do any-thing. I am taking another step backward. Being a hermit and no energy for anything or anybody. I think I'm depressed, but it is the season (2nd xmas without my beloved) and I know my attitutde stinks. Last time I went out with friends was Oct. 23 although I've done quite a few work-outs since and seen people I know. Keep going strong, Sue, you are one courageous lady and for you another life has just begun. Hugs, Leah

Share this comment


Link to comment

Sue, just be gentle with yourself.. You are a "giver" but the time for YOU is now. If you don't want to be in a position to have to try to be Jolly.... the word NO not this time. Give yourslef time to grieve for Ray and your Mom.. You are nuber ONE right now.

So if you feel like curling up in a blanket and just sitting ( oh I forgot ) its Summer there.. a walk on the beach, sitting on the veranda.. IT is time to do for SUE right now.

Much Love and Many hugs Bonnie

Share this comment


Link to comment

Sue, I know that numb, raw feeling. I have felt it when I've lost family members, but I think the worst time was when my ex-husband left me for my best friend. I found then, that sometimes you just have to let it hurt. You are very wise to keep busy and trying to be as normal as possible, even though you don't feel it. You've been through alot and it seems harder around the holidays. Please know that you have my prayers. Somewhere, in the future, you will find the hurt is letting up.

Share this comment


Link to comment

Sue, like I said in chat, you are amazing,you know that life goes on, even with the numb feeling. The hoildays are hard, yet bless you, you want to help, you are a bless woman.

You are in my prayers, and over time the hurt get less.

 

Yvonne

Share this comment


Link to comment

Sue: I went through that "wall" feeling after losing both my parents. Not quite there, really. But I noticed it most post-stroke for Bruce. Not always quite there.

 

That has eased up, of course. Acceptance, recovery. All that played a role, I am sure. Slowly, day to day, the fog lifts and you reconnect, on some level. Things are truly "clearer". Not that there are any definitive answers, mind you. Just an openness to what is happening in your life and around you. Choices maybe, that one can finally consider.

 

Thank you so much for the party. It was such fun. A reminder for me that stroke does not control everything and that is truly recovery. Debbie

Share this comment


Link to comment
Guest hostwill

Posted

SUE, YOU ARE AN INSPIRATION TO ALL OF US. i'M GLAD YOU HAVE GOTTEN BACK IN THE SWING OF THINGS. PLEASE STAY SAFE AND GOD'S BLESSINGS!

-WILL

Share this comment


Link to comment

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now
×