Self esteem is tough, especially for those of us who were trained to equate our worth with our performance. I could start by saying we confuse self worth, self esteem and self respect which are each separate things. Even before stroke I battled with these most of my life and thought I was getting somewhere when I ran smack-dab into stroke.

I could write a lot to you about self esteem but I doubt you want a book so what I will say is to start by identifying what is good about you, what you like about yourself, the things that are important to you and build there.

 

After stroke it's hard to see whats still there because of our deficits that hinder our expression of those parts of us. Find ways to let who you are to be expressed and ways to give yourself permission to do things differently.

 

Above all, as my signature says, be willing to let go of who you were so you can become who you can be.

Source: self esteem

After stroke this was and still is a really hard thing for me--I struggle to hold onto my self esteem and I see others do too. I wrote this once and revisit it often when I start losing my grip. I didn't want to overwhelm anyone with this long diatribe but I figure if you want to see it bad enough to read it in my blog--you asked for it!

I've been saying for a while that I would try to write something on self esteem but have never been able to get my thoughts together enough to write anything coherent or cohesive on the topic. One of the things I do when writing one of these posts is I often go to the dictionary and look at the definitions of certain words. I don't have a very firm grasp on vocabulary. I know the general definition of a lot of words, but when trying to explain something like this, I find nuances of definitions help tremendously and I have to go find the specific definition to help me understand.

In doing this yesterday and this morning, I learned that I hadn't really distinguished between self esteem, self worth and self respect and here's what I came away with for myself and maybe it will help some others of us.

Self Worth

We all have worth. Each and every one of us is born with intrinsic worth and that worth cannot be diminished. We may not recognize our worth, we may not understand our worth, and we may not know what it is that makes us valuable, we may even deny our worth... but that worth is there and cannot be taken away. If we don't recognize or we deny our worth, we may not be living in a way that shows our worth, but that worth is still there, even if it's dormant or not being exercised. The opinions of others cannot change our worth because our worth is not dependent on, nor derived from the dictates of anyone.

To use a silly example, I was born with a nose. That nose is there whether I like that nose or not. You may find a way, if you're convincing enough to make me believe I don't have a nose. I, if I hate the nose enough that it's more comfortable for me to believe the nose isn't there, than it is to admit I have an ugly nose, may even convince myself I have no nose. This example isn't perfect obviously because I can see my nose and can't "see" my worth... but you can still get the idea. Your worth is something you're born with and is not changeable nor able to be lost regardless of what you do.

You can develop qualities you have that define and dictate your worth so your worth is noticed by others... but their recognition of that worth or inability to recognize it, doesn't change it. It will only provide external validation of that worth... it may make you feel worthy but whether you feel it or not doesn't negate its existence.

What is your worth? What are the things, qualities that you have, that you were born with? We are all born with qualities that come natural to us. One of mine is I'm insightful and able to write out those insights in ways others seem to understand. I've been told I'm good at teaching concepts. Even if I never typed a digit, even if I never spent a moment reflecting or introspecting, that ability and worth would exist... whether I developed it or used it, or not. I have the capacity to make others feel empowered, cared for, important... I don't always utilize that trait, but it exists if I choose to develop it and maintain it. Does that mean I don't have worth in that area? No, it means it's there, dormant, it's there... maybe wounded and needing attention, but it's there... it exists. What about before I learned I had these traits or abilities, or before I learned how to use them or that they could be used? They still existed within me. My worth was there even though I didn't recognize it or understand its value.

What qualities/worth do you have?

What abilities do you have that are valuable to yourself or others?

What capacities do you hold that may need an outlet of expression for its value to be realized?

Do you recognize any of these qualities yet deny them? Why?

Self Esteem

In our society and culture we're very interested in building and promoting self esteem. Esteem means to hold something or someone in high regard. I think we should hold ourselves in high regard, but esteem also denotes a sense of high regard without consideration of all of the facts. We seem to think we have to always hold ourselves to that level of appreciation or regard no matter what we do.

Self esteem is fluid. It can go up and down according to our beliefs about ourselves or our performance. If you believe you're not living up to your abilities or to the potential of your abilities, you may feel negatively or disgusted with yourself. If you perform a task well, you may feel elated and joyous, and this is pretty normal and natural for all of us.

My estimation of self esteem, or my own self esteem always seemed contradictory to me. There are times my self esteem is high and healthy, and other times it's in the gutter. There are even days when I'm feeling confident and sure in one area of my life, yet completely down on myself in others and the way I feel about my "failures" can overshadow what confidence I feel in the other areas.

In this way, self esteem can act as a motivator, or an illustrator of the aspects of our lives that we want to improve. Note the word "self"... self esteem is our evaluation of our ability or how well we are doing or performing. It has nothing to do with worth... worth is intrinsic and exists regardless of our evaluations. Self esteem isn't dependent on the evaluations of others unless we choose to take their criticisms as constructive and give them consideration and use their constructive criticism as a point of reference. Even then, only we know our desires, ambitions, limitations, and only we can decide if that external opinion is right for us. It may only be right for the other person who has an expectation of what they want us to be or do, or what they think we can be or do. In the end, only you can decide... because only you have all the information on which to base your decision. However, between self esteem and self respect, I believe self esteem is more greatly influenced by the opinions of others. We want to be esteemed by our peers. As social creatures, we need acceptance and belonging and the judgments of others regarding our performance can have a strong impact on our self esteem.

Self esteem can cause us to be elated, for instance, after succeeding in something challenging. It can ebb the next time we don't reach a goal we set our sights on. I think this is just the normal ebb and flow of our evaluation of our own goals, performance and effectiveness in doing and being what we expect of ourselves in order to achieve the life we want and to bring our image of self in line with the image of the life we want to lead.

Self respect, on the other hand, seems to combine the two... recognition of our worth, and the ability to positively accept ourselves and respect ourselves in spite of limitations or "failures"... or what we judge to be failure. When we accept both our worth... whether recognized, fulfilled or not, and accept our limitations and goals, even though they may not be the goals someone else wants for us, and can respect ourselves, that is I think, the goal for which we should strive.

We can respect ourselves without having to be perfect... in fact, we can respect ourselves in spite of our imperfections.