couple envy and thoughts on being alone
Ray used to shout at me: "It is all very well for you." and he was right, and now I think that about other people as I look with my widow eyes enviously at their lives. I loved Ray with my whole heart and sometimes I really miss him. I miss him most when I see other couples in their senior years enjoying each other's company. I want to be like that. I want that special someone to be beside me, with me when I am enjoying myself, at home when I come home so I can tell them where I have been and what I have done. What fun is coming home to an empty house?
When Ray was here I had so much to do, it all seemed so over whelming, now with only me here it just seems over quiet. I would rush through the housework, list the shopping, bundle him in the car, rush to the shops, it was all go, go, go. I could have a little escape with a cup of tea on my sunny verandah and that helped a lot. I took minutes off when I needed hours but at least I had the shower nurses for the last three years, the three hours on a Friday and the "break" when he went into hospital or respite. In those days I longed for some time to myself, now I know that means you are both alone and lonely.
You just have to live the life you've got, sad as that is sometimes. You can only sacrifice your life up to a point, beyond that is madness.I know that was one of the reasons Ray spent his last year in a nursing home, once he could no longer stand, with all his other problems he became too high care to be at home. I didn't feel the loneliness in that year that I feel now. I knew I would see him "tomorrow" so although I was home alone it seemed as if it was only overnight, my days were still very busy with Ray and Mum to visit.
I have just had a very off week. I know some people say the second year out is the hardest as you suddenly look around and hey! you are alone, no friends, no family there to support you. Officially you are now "OVER IT!!!" and should just get on with life. When I find out how to do that I will let you know.
I have more funerals to go to. What is it with this year? So many of the dear old dears from our church are sick or in hospital or worse. It is like we are burying the congregation pew by pew. And I love them all and will miss them all and it is all so sad. We have had an odd Spring, really hot weather, which means all the alimentary diseases, and with cold changes which means there are still chest infections, colds and 'flu doing the rounds. And for our vulnerable aged population that is not good news.
I think I am feeling this more because Brett, my next door neighbour has his old Dad with him for a while and I see them struggling down to the car and it reminds me of the struggle I had looking after Ray. They even came over yesterday and used my handicapped friendly shower room as it is easier for Brett to give his father a good hot shower here than at home using a normal bathroom. I am so glad Brett decided to have his Dad for a while but it is a reminder of my former life. Maybe it is because of that reminder that I have started having nightmares again.
I have been plodding forward for the past week, looking for some good news but nothing much of that at the moment. I am about to start on getting quotes for various parts of the cabin roof restoration and the fence, the piece on the side of the house roof that has to be replaced etc. I am not sure how long all of that will take. I hate to do all of this knowing I am not good at working it all out. I am going to ring a couple of friends in the building trade and ask them to list out what needs to be done so I can check quotes and make sure it is all covered. It is hard for me to do the things that Ray was once so good at, it feels like I am trying to take his place.
I know - it is part of a widow's new life, being self-sufficient etc. Bah humbug!
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