I read about stroke depression and I do not have that reason for feeling blue. The sun is shining, the birds are singing but still some days I feel sad. I have a roof over my head and warm blankets and nice food but still some days I feel bad about life. I guess that is part of the human condition. I miss Ray, I miss someone to talk things over with, I miss someone who is on my side. I miss being part of a couple, I miss the real Ray, the laughing guy I married when I was 21.

I miss all the plans we had, especially the plan for growing old together. I miss my dreams of the trip around Australia, fishing, swimming, just lounging around in a sunny spot in winter or cooler spot in summer. Who stole my dream? I think it died in 1999 when Ray had the major strokes, that somehow I learned to live with that loss as I took care of him and in the end I did not think about it at all, just maintaining his life was more important than worrying about what we had lost.

Everyone says that the second year of widowhood is worse and it is in a way because that is when you get to the realisation that they are never coming back, that this is it, you are on your own now. That is when the "new normal" is here to stay and that only with a huge effort can you change that. This is it girl, you are on your own, no-one to discuss things with, no-one to be the one that cares for you in that special way, no-one to tell you to "go to sleep and forget about it" when someone hurts your feelings or you feel as if you have been insulted or no-one appreciates you.

In fact you are now not special to anyone in that special way it is true in relationship, no-one can take the place of your spouse/life partner, not even another new partner. My, my am I feeling sorry for myself? Yes I am. Summer is here and there is no-one to go on a picnic with, no-one to watch out for me if I go body surfing at the beach, no-one to suggest a movie or to read with while I sit on the verandah or out in the the sun. I was sitting on my front verandah yesterday and suddenly I was so lonely. I am not depressed, I am simply sadder some days. On those days I feel like nothing is ever going to be right again. It is a real pity party and I don't have them often but like everyone else I do have them. And there is no-one here to tell me to "snap out of it" now.

I am a brave face person. I know I have been chided for that on here and in real life but it is the way I get by. If you have seen the movie "Strictly Ballroom" you know what I mean when I say I go out with my "happy face" on. It is how I was brought up. You left the house with a smile on your face however you felt. And so I still do. No-one knows the heartache because you don't let it show. And why do you not let it show? Maybe it is because both Mum and Dad lost a parent at 16, Mum lost her Mum and Dad lost his Dad. And being English they were taught not to express their feelings in public and we were taught that too.

By the way I do get on from day to day. I do community work, I did church visiting yesterday, three little old ladies , well older than me, in their little villas or their comfy room in the hostel of the retirement village where Mum was in the nursing home. Maybe I should have asked myself was this a good day to go as I probably did get sadder as I visited them and heard their problems with staff, their loneliness and in one case the joy as she told me was going out on Sunday, first time for a couple of months. I try not to identify too closely with them but sometimes that happens and I wonder if I will end up like them, in a single room with the family far away and having to wait until they are ready to visit.

Just as the first signs of Spring show in the northern hemisphere the first mists of Autumn show up in my valley, showing that winter is soon to be the reality of life. It is common to be a little sad as the seasons change as change is inevitable in our lives. Change is the only invariable, there will be changes, in our body, in our mind, in all our lives. I do try to do as Asha says and "go with the flow", I do use my faith to know that I am never alone, G-d is always with me. But sometimes that doesn't help. I just feel sad and lonely. I know that if changes are to be made it will take an effort on my part and I will make some mistakes along the way.

One of the stroke survivors posted a thread asking what you do if you feel depressed? I have a lot of things I can do, like ring a friend, read, do some housework, play some music, sing and dance around the house when I am in the right mood. What I don't have is someone to act as a mood booster, someone to take me out of myself, to put an arm around me as Trev used to do or smile and make silly faces at me like Lucas used to do. yes, I am missing Trev and Edie and their family too.

I can get out into the garden, though until it rains nothing much is going to grow, the annuals are drying out and dying, that happens in a drought year which is what 2014 seems to be. And that in itself brings a sadness as I love my garden and want it to grow and thrive. So one of the usual pleasures is not there, I do not have an incentive to garden until we have a good soaking rain and everything greens up again. So I should take myself to the municipal gardens and enjoy them while the summer roses are blooming as mine aren't doing so well.

Nothing special I have to do today, although there are some church events tomorrow. That is the routine part of life, go here, do that, help out somewhere else. It is not a bad life, it is a good life, but sometimes it is a lonely life too.