I am just going to be raw and honest right now. I honestly feel like dying. It may just be hormones but I really feel like Im living hell on earth. Sure I have food, clothes, and shelter. I also have money in the bank. I just got my income tax return and my settlement from my accident. But I have no peace. This whole week has just been torture. I don't like blogging when I am PMSing or extremely upset because I don't want to be debbie downer all the time but I just don't know what else to do right now.

God

After my last entry I was feeling okay. I thought maybe you guys are right, maybe it was just a nightmare. I hung out with my family over the weekend and went to church. Then this week I decided to give up Twitter for Lent. I check twitter all day everyday to take my mind off the anxiety and depression and boredom while everyone is at work all day. But I felt like I was wasting my time and wanted to spend more time getting close to God and reading my Bible and christian books. I feel like this was a mistake now. Every time I try to get closer to God and read my Bible more, I end up with more questions and researching the history of man-made religions like christianity.

I am scared because I think God punished me with the seizures for losing my faith. It all started when I desired a closeness with God and all the rules from religion and unwelcomed feeling I got from church pushed me away from typical church but I still desired a closeness to God. The seizures started around the time I began looking at other monotheistic religions like Judaism and Islam. They continued when I discovered everything was made up by men and I decided to be "spiritual, but not religious." One day I came to the conclusion I needed God to heal me from the seizures so I re-joined church and trusted God to heal me. The seizures continued. But I thought maybe this is just the devil trying to make me give up on God altogether?

When I moved back home I was convinced the seizures would go away. I gave up everything and decided to go home and get closer to God. After all what profit a man to gain the whole world if he lose his soul right? So I gave up the world and came home to find my soul. So why did the seizures continue? I usually dont write about spiritual thoughts because I have a separate spiritual journal and I dont like my personal spiritual warfare on the internet since so many look up to my testimony but theres a reason Im typing all of this...

Yesterday I was looking at different christian denominations. all my life I was taught Baptist is the only way and anything else (even catholics) are going to hell. So as an adult now I like to just learn about what other people believe and the history of it. I spent hours reading blogs, forums, and looking at youtube about different religions, christian denominations, and atheism.

This made me really scared. Looking at the stuff on atheism reminded me of when I questioned my faith after learning the origin of christianity, the bible, etc. I started to question again. Should I believe in God? Why hasnt he healed me? Why is he torturing me? If God loves me why does he allow me to have these devastating seizures? If I didnt believe in God would he make me have more seizures? My computer started dying and I was feeling really scared so I got up to go take my medicine and get ready for bed.

another seizure

I walked in the kitchen and I felt really scared. Instead of going to the refrigerator to get my water I had to sit down at the table because I thought I was going to fall. I felt even more weird where I was sitting because I was just staring at the floor so I walked over to where I usually sit when I eat. I was shaking. I wanted to put my head down but I thought I might fall out my chair if I moved. I felt like something had control of my brain, all I could do was look around, I was shaking. I started yelling for my dad but his door was shut and it was pouring raining so he could not hear me. I yelled his name at least 5 times as loud as I could. Finally I felt okay so I walked back to my room. I couldnt stop shaking for the rest of the night and I still have a headache this morning.

My point

These seizures are different. They are more like nightmares and I guess panic attacks. The reason I mentioned lent is because I really thought I could help myself by not wasting time on twitter all day but really I've just been laying in bed in this quiet room staring at the walls. I just dont feel like reading all day and with the anxiety that I was bound to have a seizure this week since I was pmsing, I've just needed a distraction. I mention my whole spill about God because sometimes it really does feel like I have demons or whatever and sometimes I really don't understand why God is punishing me. When I had seizures as a child they barely happened. When they did happen I would just get a really bad headache feel dizzy and nauseous then it would go away and I feel sleepy but okay. After the stroke, I only had about 3 seizures (2002-2005) and I usually felt them coming. I would always blank out and the scariest part was waking up not knowing what happened but usually the next day I felt back to normal. I never remembered shaking, jerking, headaches, immense fear, and anxiety.

So I guess what Im saying is its harder to pray and believe God because these "seizures" are so bad. My dad said when I had the nightmare last week, I was tossing from side to side on my bed and moaning in pain. In the past I would have no recollection of this but I remember the horrible feeling of yelling for help in my head and nothing coming out of my mouth. I remember trying to turn to my side because something was pushing me to the opposite side. These are not just seizures (at least not the ones Im used to) and I dont understand why God started these attacks on me and keeps letting them happen even when I try to forget all the bad and put my trust in him, serving him.

Neurologist appointment

I went to UNC Chapel Hill yesterday where I had my brain surgeries. It was a waste. I didnt even see a real neurologist. I saw a nurse practitioner. She wants me to get a sleep deprived EEG. She told me not to drive. She told me I can take the Abilify (but Im not going to start it yet since they are going to take me off my medicines for the EEG in a few weeks). We talked about Vimpat but she agreed that is can make you dizzy so yeah I stick with my decision not to start that. She said we can talk about the VNS if we determine that what Im having is epileptic seizures. I explained everything to her and she said it sounds like epilepsy but it also could be psychogenic non epileptic seizures (duh) and VNS is pretty much a last option since the implant is permanent. Honestly I think what I had as a kid and what I had after the stroke were seizures. I dont think what I've experienced this year so far have been seizures. but what do I know?

oh yeah

Since I cant drive anymore, I couldnt go to the acupuncture center today. My dad didnt see the point in taking me (Nobody believes I will get any better) and now I have no ride to the singles conference at church this weekend so I guess God doesnt care about the non refundable registration fee and my desire to get closer to him even when hes making me suffer. I see my therapist Monday so my next blog will definitely not be this long. Just had so much on my mind.