I saw my therapist this morning then talked to my neurologist. My neurologist is such a quack. He never knows anything. I asked him if it is okay for me to start the abilify even though it says ask your doctor if you have seizures. He said any medication that messes with your brain can cause seizures. I think I am NOT going to start the abilify. My mood is crappy but lately its only been cause of the seizures and taking more keppra. I told him my seizures have gotten worse since I increased the keppra. I used to only have them at night, now I walk around fearful with anxiety all day because they happen in the day too. He told me to cut back on the keppra.

I really don't trust him though. He increased me from 1000 a day to 1500 mg a day but I was still having seizures so he increased it from 1500 to 2000 mg a day. When I told him the increase from 1500 to 2000 mg a day wasnt helping and was only making my mood worse a few months ago, he was quick to write me out a prescription to go back to 1000 mg a day but I stuck to the 2000 mg because I was still driving. So why did today he told me not to jump from 2000 to 1000? Today he told me to chop my pills in half and cut down to 1750. He really scares me especially when he said my seizures couldve gotten worse because of the increase in keppra. I just wanted to shoot myself in the head. But now I am going to cut back to 1750 mg of keppra, take the clonazepam twice a day since its helped keep me seizure free at night, and I might try xanax for anxiety but Im not messing with that Abilify.

My therapist told me to read a book called The Pressure's Off. She said I've been exposed to so many different beliefs about God that I have this distorted view of who God is. She's trying to get me to understand that God doesn't punish me with seizures when I do bad and there's no amount of good I can do to make him bless me. I just don't understand whats the point in praying if God is going to do what he wants anyway? The Bible says "delight yourself in the Lord and he will give you the desires of your heart." Well I praise God, delight myself in him, pray, so I thought he would give me the desires of my heart but I guess I shouldve known better since I still cant move my hand and have been praying for that since 2001.

My paranoid schizophrenic mother came to visit over the weekend and she kept asking me what was wrong. She was really annoying me and I was already annoyed because I could not lay down on my bed without feeling like I was going to have a seizure any minute. I heard her annoying my brother and I guess he talked back to her in a rude tone. I heard her say "Keep talking to me like that and God is going to do you how he's doing Katrina." She basically said God is punishing me. In one of my bible study groups, they were talking about suffering and they said be happy when you suffer because that means God is getting his glory and he has a purpose for you. One of my old co-workers told me to read the book of Job but I already read it and I think its stupid. The devil was looking for someone's life to ruin and God told him to go after Job. I can't have a loving relationship with a God like that and I dont understand what a lot of the christians tell me so I really just need some time to figure God out for myself. Its seems like the more I do to get closer to Him, the worser my life gets