I love you guys thank you so much for your support. I have so much more I've been wanting to share with you guys but I guess I get scared that Im going to jinx myself with the good news plus sometimes I don't like thinking about the bad stuff I write about because it triggers those feelings.
Well my great news is today will make it 2 weeks that I have been seizure free (knock on wood). I don't know if its the hormone (birth control), the fact that I cut back on the keppra, the fact that I've been taking the keppra every 12 hours instead of just twice a day, or the fact that I started taking the clonazepam twice a day but I have not had any seizures.
However, the last 2 days I had what I think were panic attacks. I have been so worried about this video EEG I have on Friday. I think about it everyday even though I try not to. This is the week I think Im ovulating so I have been super scared since the seizures happen the most during that week. I keep thinking what if I have one before Friday then cant have one while Im there like last time in September when I had the big one at work the day before the EEG? What is it going to feel like when I have the seizure? I want to have one this time so it wont be another wasted trip but Im so scared because I dont want to feel the seizure again.
On Monday around 7:30 I was trying to keep my mind busy watching tv, listening to music, and playing a game online at the same time and I started to feel weird. I sat up on my bed and told myself I was okay but then I started feeling really sick like I was going to faint. I started yelling "daddy" in a really deep voice (I have a soft voice) and I just rolled over on my bed. Then it stopped. My heart was racing and I had to use the bathroom a lot. I thought I was going to throw up. I dont know if this was a seizure but my medicine stopped it from getting worse or if it was just a panic attack.
Then yesterday I was just trying to stay busy to keep from thinking about it since it was 7:30 again. I called my dad to see where he was at. I notice these things only happen in the evening. When I lived in Charlotte they used to only happen in my sleep or as soon as I woke up in the morning but now they only happen between like 4 and 8 pm. So I started to get scared because I called my dad and he didnt answer so I called my cousin and she didnt answer so I got really scared that what if I have a seizure? I tried to breathe and say "Im okay" but then I said "Im not okay." I called my dad still no answer. So I just laid back and waited for the seizure to happen but nothing happened. My arm didnt feel weird. I didnt have a headache and besides feeling really annoyed, I felt back to normal pretty quickly. I guess it was just panic and paranoia
Well my other great news is that I got my apartment. The landlord wants me to move in Friday but of course I have to go to UNC I am excited about moving though. I have a 2 bedroom so I will have my own office to do my work from home stuff. There is a neighborhood park with a walking trail and picnic tables. I can see myself going there a lot taking a walk or reading a book. We also have little gazebos throughout the neighborhood I can sit and read in. I am really looking forward to it. Since I have not had any seizures lately and havent had any in my sleep at all since September, Im not scared to move. I think it will be nice to have my own space again. Instead of being stuck in this room looking at the walls, thinking of seizures, and feeling like a depressed high schooler again with no job, no transportation, and no social life, I will finally have a change of scenery. Not only do I have lot of opportunities to go outside but Im looking forward to cooking and just feeling independent again. I wont have a full time job to keep me busy but I also wont have the commute or the stress and anxiety that came with it.