Feelings change day by day!
Entry posted by Grannyjudymac72
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Two months ago it started! This incredible journey that no one fully understands until the path crosses them. It was 6 am June 20th, I was asleep and Ray called out for me. I went into the living room and he asked me help him to the couch that he could not do it himself. He was slightly slumped in our overstuffed chair. I said something is wrong, he said "no" just help me to the couch I will be okay. The couch is his "safe" place as he has back problems and lying down on the couch is something he does a lot. I repeated something is wrong, he repeated help me to the couch. I said I am calling 911, he said no, put me on the couch. I immediately called 911 and within an hour I am sitting in the ER waiting for the results. Because Ray is on coumadin they could not give him any clot busters. That was the beginning of this journey.
He was in the stoke unit a week, then inpatient rehab for three weeks. At first I thought they were hard days, but I found out they were the easy days. As I could leave the hospital, come home, eat, rest and sleep. It was a flurry of fixing the house to have it safe for him, but I could still sleep at night. Those days went by fast. And my oldest daughter helped me through those beginning days by being at the hospital everyday when I couldn't, to see that he was being taken care of.
The first few days at home were scary to say the least. I had this 200 pound fragile human being to take total care of. In the beginning we had a friend from out of town stay with us for three weeks, and he helped physically a great deal, plus he told me to lie down and rest while he took care of Ray for a few hours. Those were precious hours! Before our friend left, Ray took a bad fall and things changed. Once our friend went home, I was alone with this stubborn, fragile, often angry man. And since then days have been good, bad, even worse than bad, and indifferent. But I have managed to live through them and deal with feelings I hadn't felt in a long time. In 1981 Ray was burned bad and I had to take care of him for 8 months, but in those days at least Ray could walk unassisted. I remember the feelings I had then, were returning. The frustration, the anger, the sadness, the helpless and all of those feelings I had way back then. But I was 40 yrs old, and I had not put my big girl panties on at the time. Since then I went through shrinky dink therapy, saw a phycologist for two years and did put my big girl panties on.
I handle the feelings better these days, but the inner turmoil is the same. I am a very positive person, who believes in working hard, doing therapy "have had both hips and both knees replaced" and to keep on going. But Ray is different in many ways than me. He is more negative and hates therapy! He wants to rest, sleep and watch TV. And then I found StrokeNet and have read many of the pages on this site. I have been given such good advice. This is his recovery, not mine, even though I am a great part of it. I have been told he needs the sleep and rest he wants so much of and the TV remote control is his favorite friend.
I am learning, I am learning!! Each day is a different day. Some good, some not so good. Today is an in-between day. He had a visitor and while someone is here Ray has to stay off the couch and be alert and active in thought. And those times are good for him. But now he resting on the couch and I am in my "safe place" which is my office. I am an avid seamstress and I love to sew, and this room is my sewing/craft/computer/office! It's where I can be alone in my thoughts and deeds. I have put my sewing away for a while, but hopefully someday I can pull it back out and create!
So today is my first blog. My first actual writing of my thoughts. This is going to be a long journey and having StrokeNet here to walk along with me is going to be a saving grace. Thank you for being here!!
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