bare arms, a feeling of Spring in the air
Entry posted by swilkinson
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The birds are going mad today, lots of puddles to bathe in, green grass, plenty of worms near the surface so lots of birds out and about. Plenty of nest building too as I have seen the smaller birds flying around with dry grass or twigs in their beaks, and several of them are squabbling over a favourite tree for that, my paper bark tea tree out on the front footpath.We were given the weather forecast today of another wet day and low temp but Mother Nature mustn't have been listening as it is simply gorgeous out. It was nice up the back so I took some bromiliads and put them around the old tree stumps so that will brighten up that part of the yard.
I have been out gardening all morning. Current boarder next door John who is still waiting on a job placement after his last job with a government agency sunk out of sight at the end of June said he would clear down the side of the fence for about $100. There is a lot of herringbone fern there and a lot of fallen sticks from the big wind last year so it needs doing. He is ten years younger than I am so should get it done in a reasonable time. It all needs a good tidy up and maybe the metal roof sheeting will finally finish up out the front for the metal men to collect. That would be another plus.
When I was up the back I heard a scrunching noise on the edge of the cabin roof, I wonder if a pesky little possum has taken shelter under the eaves again? I still haven't had the last work done on the cabin, the roof is on but the ceiling was not replaced so I guess I had better start ringing around and getting some quotes again. I hate that part of getting a job done, getting quotes, waiting in for tradesmen that never give you a quote etc.
I think I am accepting that I need to make some changes now, not only to the house but to my life. I don't want to make any rushed decisions, I am mostly talking to other widows about what they have done. It is impossible to go back to the things I was doing when this all started and I don't think I would want to. I have had a lot of good experiences as well as bad ones and want to continue to have good experiences. I wish I had Ray here with me but almost two years out am less sentimental and more of a realist about my life experiences. I only have to read on here to remember the way things were. I am not looking at life now with a rosy glow but in a more realistic way.
It is wonderful to have the sun shining in a clear blue sky. It can be a sad and lonely neighbourhood when the winter wet season is in full swing. That is when I really miss Ray. Because of his many deficits he was always with me, inside in the warm, out on the verandah doing his exercises, sitting doing his old word search books (I found another in a drawer the other day). He was a lot of hard work but that filled up my days and sometimes my nights. I felt worth while in what I did. When I lost Ray I lost my "job" as well and I think that is a part of what I have been mourning for so long, that all seemed to be my purpose in life.
Even in the nursing home at the end of his life Ray was my companion. Going to visit him was my reason for getting out of bed, getting on with the housework etc so I could get out of here and be over at the nursing home by 11am to help him with his lunch. I still can not get past that feeling of wanting to have him here with me. There is still a lot of guilt about being the survivor of a couple. I don't know why but sometimes when I am out enjoying myself, particularly laughing I feel as if someone will come up to me and say: "Don't laugh so much you are a widow now."
I want to make new friends, I want to renovate the house and refurnish it to be "Sue's House". It will be two years since Ray died in a months time. And three years two months sine he went from the hospital to the nursing home. But this is the home we bought together 46 years ago, I look around and see his handiwork everywhere I look. It is the place we lived in, raised a family in, welcomed the grandchildren into. It is hard to think of it as just Sue's House now.
I don't mean this blog to be gloomy. Hard to be gloomy when there is such a honey of a day I can see it from here looking out across the back garden. That is what I mean about finding some balance, balancing my life with my expectations, realising that I can still dream dreams but cannot expect them to come true in the same way they did as I anticipated marriage, the birth of our babies and all the other good things that came into my life. Let's hope though that there are still plenty of good times ahead.
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