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Friends or Predators?


swilkinson

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Being a widow is different from being a wife, loneliness is a factor, not having someone to consult, doing all the things you have to do alone, planning for one, eating alone...you get the picture. But there is also a prejudice out there about widows. Someone recently called me a "merry widow"...hmmm, not sure about that. I do seem to be happier these days and probably just as well, it stops my friends asking the "are you over it yet" question all the time. Yes, I am over the initial shock, I do function like a human being. But there will always be the Sue'n'Ray thing, 44 years doesn't just vanish overnight, or even two years down the track.

 

Last night I went out to one of my regular once a month dinners. But last night I came in with someone else. I got a lift to the dinner with one of the members as I had left one of my car doors slightly open and run down the battery so it would not start. No time to call the mechanic to come out and give me a jump start, my next door neighbour is away so no help there, so I phoned a friend. As I came in with "J" all eyes swiveled towards us, several people frowned and no-one came forward to greet me. Why? Because I was a widow travelling with a guy who already has a known girlfriend. And that was not okay? Really???

 

The week has been busy, Shirley and Christopher overnight on Sunday night so farewelled them mid-morning and started to put the house to rights. Then John from next door came over and we did some more work on the back garden, it is bare up there now, no more herringbone fern. It will look good when I get finished with it I know. Moving some of the bromiliads up the back and some along the fence, I will take a photo of them when they bloom, I love their odd flowers and their vibrant colours. It has been nice to have someone to work alongside, that is another thing I have missed, the companionship involved in working with someone. Yes, John has a girlfriend too but I am not a threat to her.

 

Tuesday was a wonderful Spring day and a woman friend and I (she is the one who lost her 47 year old son recently) had decided we would have a day out so we went to one of the local Surf Clubs with a beachside cafe and had morning tea, went for a long walk on the beach, went to my favourite Club and had lunch, then lingered over coffee in the lounge just looking at the view and relaxing. She said it was one of the nicest days out she has had recently and I agreed. I forget sometimes that I have these precious friends I can do some sharing with.

 

Some of the new things in my life, like being a "does coffee" friend to a few of the other widows from church, being on Skype, having some flexibility so if a friend asks "are you busy today?" with a few exceptions I can clear my calendar and say "yes" and making the harder decisions without losing too much sleep are part of my recovery now. As you know I feel I can move forward but not yet move on...it is a personal decision and sometimes defies logic but when it happens to you you will understand. Some people take a year to get over losing a spouse, some people take a lifetime. That is the way it is.

 

Last night on Skype I connected with one of the oldtimers from this site. I started life as a chat host doing general chat so got to know a lot of survivors as well as caregivers. This lady is a survivor. We have kept in touch since then and I recently learned that her husband, who was also her caregiver, had died. Yesterday we finally caught up on Skype. Of course the first thing we discussed was the time difference, the weather, the funny accents we both have, mine Aussie and hers American and then got down to the common area, we are both widows now. She cried and apologised, I cried a little too. It was a good call and a comfort to both of us. I hope we manage to catch up on a regular basis, somewhat difficult given the time gap but where there is a will there is a way.

 

On chat each week I think G-d that I am still able to talk to the amazing women and men on this site who give so much love and attention, so much work and effort to keep their partner or parent in the home they love or who they support in a facility. Caregiving is not an easy job, not something anybody can do, not a highly paid or highly regarded job, but it is a job we do out of love. I had 12 years of hands on care with Ray and then a year where I commuted to his nursing home, I had two years of looking after Mum in my own home and 11 years of supervising Mum in her Dementia Lodge and then nursing home. Visiting in the nursing home is not as hard a job as caring for someone in your own home but it is an essential task. Lonely people die sooner and their care is not as good, as we all know from our experience with hospitals and rehab units. People need companions on the journey and cheerleaders to keep them going..

 

I have since visited numerous people in nursing homes on behalf of the church. It is what I learned to do through my journey with Mum and Ray and what I continue to do. Life gives us certain lessons to learn and once we have learned them we are free to put them into practice. Sometimes I wonder what life holds for me now. On my wiser days I know that life in the days to come will reflect what I have learned up till now. And that has to be okay.

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I was thinking today that many would thing that I have given up hope. When in fact, I think I have merely attained acceptance.

 

I offered Bruce the things I knew he loved pre-stroke without considering the adjustments that needed to be made for his current deficits. These are relative terms, of course. But I think that may also be true of you. I say deficits, but it is really "change in condition."

 

It is OK to look into those things we are comfortable with, love to do, feel we are productive. But just maybe some tweaking is in order. And just maybe, that is adjustment to your new "Sue." She knows what she loves and is good doing. She knows she loves her family and fits in time for them. And yes, projects that are now possible with some companionship. Let others read whatever they want into that. It does not define you.

 

Smiling in the sun. What a gift. Debbie

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Sue -because you have been where I am going ( seems to be that way anyhow).. I view you as a mother figure to me… My mom who died shortly after dan stroked ( essentially because of the stroke) was widowed for almost 20 years before her passing. And I look back and think how difficult it must have been -- there were 7 kids total me and my sister being the youngest - she was 16 i was 23 when dad died… all the rest had long left the nest ( sorta)--- what a awesome lady, but in what you write I think about her loneliness and the thoughts she must have had… and it makes me feel sorta ashamed in that i never gave her much of a thought in regards to how she must have felt.. I was young and small kids I never even thought about her and her problems… so again like always, you open my eyes…. my mom, I believe was a lot like you -- hardworking , loving, in it for the long run…and I am trying not to project my mom onto you to much, lol… but she like you, paid attention to how she would be looked upon by others, in reference to men, and an outing… she enjoyed many friendships both male and female -- for the pure sake of friendship ( Dad was ENOUGH for her ) and she was never out looking for more of "that" ( a romantic type relationship)… but enjoyed so many other people and befriended and helped so many, like you…. You are a great lady - believe me I would not compare my mom to very many people … feel honored i hope… hugs!!! and very honestly many women and men here on stroke net have such similar qualities to yours and my moms it is amazing!! -- good people still exist -- we are just busy…!!!

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Sue, I wouldn't expect to ever get over losing Bob, either.   The weirdest part is.... now that I'm his caregiver, I think it will leave a much larger hole in my life, than before, when we were 'normal'.    To go from that person filling every minute of your day, to zero, is a long fall.  

 

Your coffee friend sounds the best!    You are blessed to have a friend who values your friendship.    I do have one very good friend... however, when we had children, she was always tied up with them... then after them, she went to work and came home exhausted everyday... there was really never a time in her life that she had 'time' for me, to spend doing anything.   I mean, I'm not a lets go shopping all the time girl, but seeing someone a couple a times a year would have been nice.    She did put in a lot of phone time with me, so I appreciate that I had that, at least.  

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Sue, that was another thoughtful and well written essay. I personally would not give a tinker's damn about the views of people who judge me harshly and inaccurately. It's far better to focus on those who are true friends, meaning people who support whatever it takes to help you enjoy life. I'm afraid that it's not just widows who get stereotyped but divorcees, single folks past the age of 40, obese people, minorities and a slew of others. It is the nature of our times, I'm afraid, and the only way to avoid being a victim of such narrow mindedness is to simply ignore it. I know that is easier said than done but it can be done.

As for grieving, my mother lost her husband when she was 67 years old. Pop died exactly a month before their 50th wedding anniversary. After his death my mom lived another 22 years and 8 months. She never moved into a home other than her own or with either of her chidren (though she knew she was always welcome). Her health was excellent until she was well into her 80s and even then it rebounded and stayed very good until a few months before her death. She was a remarkable active, optimistic woman who filled those last decades of her life always looking ahead and always, yes, moving on. She went to Europe for the first time for a family wedding and then returned two more times. She made several trips to Chicago, about 750 miles from her home, to visit my wife and me and while there she fully and enthusiastically enjoyed the best restaurants that fine city has to offer. She never spent Christmas without being surrounded by family and she showed up for numerous high school, college and law school graduations to honor her seven grandchildren.If ever there was a woman who lived a long, good and full life, it was my mother. Throughout it all she had a wonderful and very positive disposition, which I don't think is a coincidence. What struck me as remarkable were all the losses she endured over her long life. Her mother died when my mother was only 10. Only one of her five brothers lived to 60. Her older sister died in her 60s. At the end, only her baby sister was still alive. But you could never see any of the pain from those losses on Mother's face or in her outlook. She just moved on, no matter what. She cherished her memories but didn't live in them. She felt deep pain, mind you, she just didn't allow it to continue for long.  I read somewhere that one of the characteristics of people who live long lives is that they are able to get over losses. I firmly believe that to be true. Mother loved her family dearly but she did not allow herself to be forever imprisoned in grief as she lost it one by one, usually far too early. I very much admired her ability to recover and keep going. It allowed the rest of us to throughly enjoy her.

Her kid sister, on the other hand, lost her own husband when she was still in her 50s. For the rest of her life she wallowed in grief and misery and slowly her health sunk and then collapsed. She wound up living a long life (she died at 83) but the last decades of it were spent in the misery and semi-isolation of poor emotional and physical health. She was so unpleasant and morbid and at times nasty that she drove away most of her friends and family. She died in a nursing home. In her younger days before widowhood she had been a wonderful gal with a great sense of humor. She always remained a favorite aunt of mine, even after her dark years arrived. In those last decades, as she persisted in lamenting her loss and living in the past, she was so woefully unhappy that it was hard to be in her company. I always wished that she had been able to, yes, get over the loss of her husband.

Somewhere in the stories of those two sisters is a lesson that I've tried to learn.

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Ron, I do see where you are coming from but neither sister is really where I am at.  The sense of humour is always there, the pleasant smile, the love of family, the love of life.  But life is sometimes gloomy  for a while and that is okay.  I doubt my friends would see some of the things I write on here, to them I am eternally "Happy Sue".  And that is okay too.

 

Ray will always be part of who I am, part of the fabric of my life, another may come into my life and also be a part of me but what Ray meant and means to me will not change.

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There is a poem I have loved since high school---whew, thats a loonngg  time ago. The verse I love is "There will always be a corner of my heart for you who once inhabited it all, Life is like that, changeful, imponderable, Who could forsee the path we chose would part." 

And certainly we are who we are because of our experience and all those we have loved.

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Beanna, exactly how I feel.  Ray still holds a place in my heart and for 45 years of my life was at my side.  Now I may seem to walk on alone, but the influence of all we were together is still there.  Maybe some day another person will walk alongside me but that will not diminish what we had together including our three children and all those friendships we shared. 

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Sue, another letter that makes you go " Wow", I love what you write and like Nancy I look up to you.  You are doing great and for people looking and do not know what they are saying, more fool them! 

 

Take care Sue

 

Hugs and best wishes 

 

Yvonne

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