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Like swimming thrugh seaweed


SassyBetsy

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We went to a pumpkin patch where I had sat my infants surrounded by pumpkins and took a picture with a camera that used film and the kids don't even know what film is lol. And later wheelbarrow photos with them crammed in with pumpkins. We go every year and buy some food in the shop there like peanut brittle and apple butter that is to die for. forget my list of 10 allowed ingredients. And that smell of hay that I just love but doesn't love me and I suffer later for despite antihistamines but that country air this city gal loves. And so this year there I was in a wheelchair holding the pumpkins. I didn't want the photos and then I did. It is here this day and so document the story even if I want someone to edit this out for real. I don't ever carve my pumpkin because I like to just look at it as long as it lasts and I will add some feathers or a little winding sparkle cord around it to decorate it up so it can last and I put it on a festive tray as a center piece to look at. Then I like to carve other ones and put candles in and smell that pumpkin burning smell. Yummy. I used to roast the seeds. and then make hot cocoa. We always go out on halloween since we don't get kids around us so we go oiut and see them someplace and go to some party. We are keeping all traditions going which is nice to see the kids dragging me out of this house. Thank you. I even got out and walked my wheelchair a bit. I am now holding my son's arm and walking into restaurants! I am snail slow but who cares it is so good to be on my feet even if I can only really feel one of them. Then I walked into class the other night and I got smiles but they just treated me like I always walked on my son's arm into class and it was a sight they saw all the time nothing unusual. In fact the professor got down to business giving me a deadline so I was just me there doing me things as usual. But I was skipping in my heart! Oh how good to be standing. The only problem is that I get dizzy and lightheaded standing up and walking is better but it still happens. I am still not going to be dancing but in my heart I am every time I get out of that chair and take those steps even though they are not many. I am not using the walker either just my son's arm. I joked and said that next time we could go in someplace with a bunny hop line up and no one would guess I couldn't walk right lol! So we tried it already but just up the path to the door. the neighbors already know we are unusual. lol. I have this exercise list to turn into the PT so it has these leaning and balancing things and stuff like that. I can't take standing and they say it is circulation so I am getting more tests for cardio stuff.

 

So on my birthday went to a casino and buffet. I didn't like the lights and noise and that was completely overwhelming to me. I shut my eyes as we passed through it to the buffet which was darker and quieter. Really nice. So I was wheeled up to the salad bar to get my food and sat in a real chair and I was in heaven. The they started bringing me plates with a little bit of this and that to taste. LOL they kept bringing me the plates until I had a bunch of them with little spoonfuls on them. I hate wasting any food so I was tasting and then passing them around for others to taste and it was all so wonderful. Diet forgotten and I felt just like a professional food taster getting a bite of this and then that. My son said he never saw so many plates before and neither did I. I didn't mind though because it was all really good food and I never sampled an entire buffet before LOL! The little dollups of food cracked me up. It looked funny to have all these little blobs of food to taste. They were taking small spoonfuls and asking for small portions and I took a picture of one plate with them. And then I cheated and had a bite of creme brulee and a few other forbidden creamy things along with a sugar free assorted. I certainly over did as one does in a buffet which I usually don't feel I eat my money's worth but this time I did feel like I did because I certainly sampled everything! One can do that at a buffet like that where they whisk away plates making room for more and no one is able to keep track and food plates are coming and going on the table. I had so much fun and while eating is always nice to do well this was especially fun and funny. I got a free $5 to gamble and I looked for the old timey slot looking thing and when I won $20 I cashed out. I figured I was a big winner too! I took the money and ran.LOL. I am not a gambler and prefer to throw my money away on things I can use or wear.

 

And by the way I no longer stress about the whole blood sugar testing and insulin and the table because I refuse to do that in a nasty bathroom no matter how nice and shiny it is and so I just do it at the table as discretely as I can. I have the pens now so it isn't like pulling out a syringe like I used to so I say hey isn't everyone checking cell phones constantly so maybe no one will notice when I do a quick shot. I layer shirts so I have a lighter shirt under so it affords some modesty. I have learned to take the insulin when the food is at the table instead of doing it in the car before dinner because one slow delivery and I was feeling it so now I just do what is safest and do the insulin when the food is in sight. I had to ask them to bring an appetizer asap and they apologized for being slow yadayada but anyway I dont worry about offending others that way.

 

We drove through beautiful mountains and went to a lake that was a perfect picture with reflecting pines. It was so pretty and peaceful. I can tolerate drives better now but winding roads are horrible. Me and the peppermint handkerchief made it there though. And it was worth it to sit there by the lake in the car. The smell of the pine trees and just the fresh air. And at the Indian reservation my daughter and I bought silver handcrafted rings with hearts on them. We were told that the Navajo tribe made them and there was a card that came with them with the name of the craftsman. My daughter bought a dream catcher (II already have one) in a mint green which matches her decor. It was such a peaceful time that renewed my spirit and even called out my spirit which was hiding itself and beginning to sour. I can't be in nature long without feeling the presence of God which is my higher power and religious orientation. So much better than church for me to go to the mountains and see the trees and how wonderful and beautiful the earth is and that all around us there is life even little squirrels and the birds we hear and take for granted. For me getting out and traveling to something other than a doctor appointment or to class was the best medicine ever. Soul medicine. I miss my days past of going to the lake on a speedboat and swimming for hours, then fishing and BBQ and then going into the lakehouse for a nice steamy shower (I am not a camping girl by any means). LOL I no longer am attached to the owner of that house but I do think on those happy memories there of being so close to nature. And to have control of my body to do all those things. In the following years I focused on my education and career and my kids were graduating and doing things so life went in another direction as it does. And now I feel that I am slowed down again and that in a way the opportunity to find peace is here again. I look at this silver ring and it is my talisman of reminding me of the peace of the mountains from whence it came. And my daughter who is my caregiver now and she has a different one but same feeling comes over me when I see hers and that peaceful memory of our day of such peace. It was such a nice weekend trip and so nice to be away from home which had been closing in on me.

 

It is really hard to explain what my visual world is like and I just explain that sometimes it is a synesthesia thing going on with my physical sensations to visual patterns black and white square tiles on a floor or patterns on ceilings or that I am having my eyes jump around so things are blurring out and fuzzy and moving about as I am trying to walk. It is sometimes like swimming through seaweed. Ok so while in a bread shop I walked up to the counter to pay up and I was on my son's arm and the person at the register said "next in line" three times although there was only one line and I was walking up and it was as if saying that would make me move faster so I said "It is still me" good naturedlike with a peaceful smile because who isn't thrilled to death to get homemade bread even if it takes forever to pay for it. So we still giggle on this one and if you saw a movie where the actress says "it isn't me" with Kristin Wigg then you can see why this is hilarious to us or then again maybe had to be there. But it was another first steps moment for me and even if there wasn't someone with a finish line flag at the end there was some fresh bread instead which is better isn't it. So I had my son's arm instead of a walker this weekend which is an interesting thing that I always need to be touching something to let me know where I am in the world. I could physically walk without leaning on anything but I have the brain part that needs to figure out where I am. I don't understand that at all but it works to walk like that. I can't walk when I am not touching something and someone holds the belt. I joked and said that the best way for me is to do a bunnyhop line up to a destination which works because I touch the shoulder ahead of me and someone holds my gait belt. We have done this going to the path home where we can be oddballs at home lol. I don't know if we will do it out but if you see someone doing this then it is me. I am slowly walking now and it feels so liberating to be out of the chair but it is only for short periods because I get lightheaded so I do these exercises for it and hope to be able to stand more. It is freedom to stand straight. Life is at eye level standing straight. I have an unusual life experience with all of this going on and no one knows it just looking at me. Nystagmus stuff and blurry and weird sensations and the emotions are just as whacky with intense feelings of joy or sadness that feel physical in my chest like the heart thing is so true. More brain damage fall out they say but beauty is intensified and so is sad or scared or angry. some regulation probs getting it to chill sometimes. My world is interesting some times and other times difficult to navigate and sometimes overwhelming. I document these odd things which I then find out are typical but where is that stroke handbook that describes this new way of existence which is so strange so far no one suggests I read. It is like I just have this and they act like sure stroke leaves behind this and that strange sensation like my arm that is frozen not in movement but it feels like it was in a freezer over night. it feels like a frozen thing although I have never been frozen but this is what I describe it as and this is interesting in itself. Mostly the world tires me out and being out in public even for PT is an ordeal but a fun one. This takes energy to deal with.

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Betsy, thank you for describing your world to us.  it makes it easier to understand what a stroke survivor can feel and see that is so different from what they had before.  I like the idea of the bunny hop line. At our stroke group's women's weekend which is for caregivers and survivors we do hold onto each other in a kind of line or half circle and sway to the music.  it is great to have a wonderful feeling of just being one, with us together connected in this way.

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Thank you Betsy, for that wonderful  way you write about nature, and going to the Indian reservation.   Many years ago I went with a friend who was  an American Indian. We went to Wisconsin  , and it was  some thing that I remember even with my problem remembering things lol.    My spirit became  one with the world. I was so free as I   dance, and play drums, I love to go back.  

 

Thank you for sharing and bringing back a memory that has brought a big smile on my face

 

God bless

 

Yvonne

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