As it goes...
Entry posted by DeanS
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I hope everyone will forgive me as i learn the ropes here.
So here goes...
My story continues on this first day of Dec. Not much has changed. I continue to deal with the day to day issues of the strokes (or should i say my strokes?). Nothing has been resolved in terms of their cause and i don't expect there will be any resolution until i get to see the cardiologist in january. So be it.
I have had many issues to deal with since stopping work on Oct. 8th and chief among them has been rejection by my children. My son is 16 and my daughter is 21 and i was close with them both until i decided to quit working and try and get myself better. I have (had) been paying child support for my son to my ex-wife. It seems as though they see my quitting work was because i didn't want to pay child support and was being irresponsible and uncaring. It truly, truly wasn't! It was a case of me wearing down to the point that i would spend whatever time i could working (1-5 hours a day) and then spend the rest of the time in bed trying to gather whatever energy i could for work the next day.
I had no idea after my first stroke how much i had been affected. While i could walk and barely talk i basically felt ok and i have always been the sort of person that just put my head down and bulled through whatever problem was in front of me. I handled the stroke no differently, much to my sad discovery and another two strokes later....
I spent the first 2 weeks of my being off work preparing court documents in an appeal to have my child support payments reduced or put on hold till such a point as i can recover enough to go back to work. this was a very stressful process as its makes me feel as though i could control whether or not i had the strokes and as though i have to justify my not being able to work. I applied for and received sickness employment insurance which my doctor had to sing off on. My sickness insurance is being garnisheed by my ex with the justification that i might be sick but that doesn't mean i don't have responsibilities and obligations to my children. Somehow i feel she is right but how can i hope to provide for my children if i am not around...? And at this point i feel that it would have been better if i simply wasn't around. Then it would be black & white. Anyway... i head to court this friday to defend the fact that i had the strokes and that at least for the near future am unable to work. My ex by the way owns an accounting firm and has taken 4 southern vacations this year.
The thing that really bothers me is that i sort of feel abandoned by my kids. I got my son his first summer job working in my shop this summer (i did the same for my daughter while she was in high school). I was and am really proud of them. We worked side by side and i thought our relationship was great. He lived with me half the time until my first stroke after which he decided to live with his mother full time. I thought that this was okay because i didn't think it was fair on my behalf to expect him to have worry about my defficiencies after, and i thought it would actually be easier for me. I am still unsure whether this was a good decision.
My daughter and i were very close i thought. We talked and visited often. Then, just after i left work, she called and told me she was going to limit contact with me until all of this was settled. But her mother is suing for child support for her because she has decided to return to school. I haven't seen her since the beginning of october and we all live in the same city a 5 minute drive away.
My brain really must be foggy because i can't seem to make sense of this in any rational, logical, emotional or even human way.
So that is one of the things that i am stressed about and i am starting to feel my energy fade...
Thanks for letting me get that out, it feels better having said it.
Dean
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