Nancy, I can imagine feeling all the same things if I were facing those things with Bob.   I think you are on target.... but, there are your health issues also.  I remember you saying something about seeing all those natural types of doctors.... that's fine... but could you please squeeze in some regular docs too?   I don't like putting all your eggs in one basket when you have so many health things going on.  I'm worried about YOU Nancy.  

Nancy, something is pretty clearly wrong with you but this is not the place to get a diagnosis. Instead you need to see a very good doctor who can carefully and expertly evaluate you. I see from some of your earlier posts that you have had a slew of health issues including some problems with your blood. It seems complicated. It demands expert attention. If I read your profile correctly you live in North Dakota. I know nothing about medical care in your state but I imagine it is at a lower level than you would find in major urban areas where doctors can make more money. As best I can determine, the University of North Dakota has a medical school but doesn't seem to have its own medical center, which is the type of place I would be inclined to try. U.S. News rates St. Alexius Medical Center, in Bismark, as the best hospital in North Dakota for what that might be worth. I have no idea which medical center would be your best choice. If you are mobile, you could fly off to one of the nation's top medical centers such as Mayo, Cleveland Clinic, Johns Hopkins or Duke. In any event you need to get some kind of top-level medical attention. Then, once doctors figure out what you have, you'll need to figure out your best choice for getting it treated. This is not going to be easy. It will require you to do a lot of research both online and by telephone. Your primary care doctor could be a very good resource. You simply need to know what is available and how you can get it. I for one have no idea what might be wrong with you but I wish you much luck in finding out.

I have been to regular docs as well, had tons of tests run-- the AZ natural docs didn't help - and I am a skeptic to begin with-- I have seen regular docs.. just on tuesday seen a internist ( also dans doc) she really feels this is all stress…. I have had - a MRi ( both contrast and non contrast ) nothing-- a ultra sound of my liver and kidneys scheduled for monday…I don't have pain- i just have this "disconnection" from reality… the councilor I am seeing said it is a delayed grief reaction from the last 4 years - i truthfully - never did grieve the loss of Dan ( essentially the person he was) and my mother who died that short time later… I also have a friend who has a lot of psych experience… with all the blood work I have had done the docs don't have a diagnosis per say - but feel it is stress - causing this…. I would never have thought in a million years stress can do all this… the disconnection from reality--- is very very hard … and yet i don't hallucinate, i am lucid - but can only pay attention to one task at a time ( not like the old me at all) --- But when I back up - and think if Dan had just stroked, and mom had just died would this behavior and loss of "faculties" be acceptable . They more or less would be, so maybe it is just that…. stress to the max…. my internist said - I am about as close to the edge as one can be ,before not "losing" it….  My regular doc ( nurse practitioner ) i see on monday following the CT of my liver and kidneys --- but the internist said even of those where majorly messed up - it would not be the cause of my most primary issues the mental disconnection --- and our friend the surgeon ( sadly who moved but I have spoken with him as well) said it is stress-- and the simplest answer in medicine is usually the correct one..Stress, simple ??? no, not nadda--- this is the hardest thing i have dealt with in terms of my health….. luckily the other smarter previous Nancy took care of things in the past so it is not as detrimental financially as it could be…. but still - I have always had the ability to obtain a good job and keep it… now I seriously doubt working ( the job i have working for the atty. right now - doesn't pay to well, but it served it purpose ) and for right now - i won't change jobs as that would be one more change and lord knows I have had enough of that….

Nancy, I think the diagnosis of stress is a real one, but what one has to understand with that, is that stress is not just mental ramifications.   Stress affects physical organs and can actually kill a person.   The mental part of the stress seems appropriate, under the circumstances, but what it might have done/is doing to you physically is what is most important.   Stress can cause heart attacks, cancer, ulcers, etc.   In the past, people have connected stress with 'a case of nerves' and not given it the physical connection any thought.   Just being under horrific stress would seem to say that if everything bad righted itself, you would be well, just like that.   But no, it is physical and that is going to take vigilence to get you healthy again.   You have my prayers, Nancy.  

Sorry what a crummy time for me to have computer problems.  I'll call you tomorrow.

Nancy, honey, I'm so sorry. Stress can do a lot, and I'm sorry everything sucks right now. Try focusing on one thing at a time-easier said than done, I know, but try so that you don't feel so overwhelmed. Prayers, Becky

Nancy, I think it is complicated grief.  Stress may be a factor but you have not mourned and now you are mourning, the loss of your Mom, the loss of the person Dan used to be, the loss of who you were back then, the loss of who you were together.  I think you need counselling for that loss and any others you think you have not grieved.  Grief caused me to feel disorientation, that disconnected feeling and complete exhaustion but I could not sleep..

When I went to a grief counsellor four months after Ray's death I felt just like you are feeling now.  I think the solution is talking it through, a lot of talking it through as well as counselling, lots of rest and the usual:  fresh foods, fresh air and some feeling that you have a choice.  I used to say each morning when I got up: "Today  I choose to look after Ray." That made it my choice and for some reason that made me feel better.

Nancy, I have no answers for you but you do have my prayers. I know that sounds lame but it is all I have. ((((((((((((((((HUGS))))))))))))))))

Nancy thanks for sharing this eloquent description of what you are going through. It sounds like this has been agonizing for you and it sounds like you are dealing with many disappointments.  I believe that diagnosis is vital and that speculation just prolongs the process and the agony.  Finding qualified medical professionals who can address your problems is the first step but it also seems that finding some relief for the very real mental agonies is also a priority.  I believe there is a strong mind body connection and that combining both mental and physical health professionals is important in my opinion.

It may be a good opportunity to look at the University Medical Center because training hospitals have enthusiastic staff who are training in the latest treatments and diagnosis and the supervising staff are highly qualified since they are in teaching positions. I love the one in my area.

You are correct in listening to your instincts that you have to take care of yourself in order to be assisting your husband. It sounds like he will be in good hands while you address your health concerns.

It also sounds like you are anxious about what is next for you and that this is a transition time for your life. These are always hard moments and with health issues at hand it just increases the intensity of worry.

Stress can be a powerful but it can also just be situational and as you address each problem you may find stress management. It sounds like you have been traumatized by all you have been dealing with and that you have reached the limit and need immediate relief. I hope you have a support team around you. Most importantly do not be ashamed of needing support and care for yourself. Only you know what this has been like and what it is like now. It is wise to know when to ask for help and that makes it a smart move. We all need help some time or another.

Most importantly your strength is evident and you are courageous in reaching out for help for yourself. Be persistent in the quest to find answers and relief. I am glad you come here for support and encouragement. I have found it to be such a comfort and great place to get information. It is really important to get the opinion in person from professionals who know you and your health history so I hope you can find ones who are sensitive to your needs and highly qualified to address your concerns.

Everyone - thank you for al the input !!! I needed it !! I feel very lost - "like I just wanna go home" but there is no home --- I believe this to part of grieving mom and probably all of it --- Everything changed 4 years ago -- I just didn't change with it --- I kept charging forward, thinking if i worked hard enough , prayed hard enough, believed hard enough I would be able to change the inevitable --- as for the nursing home placement due to finances I might need to wait a bit -- since "air" won't feed us, and somehow I am finding the ability to do it - i mean i have for years - a few more months i should be able to handle …. just hoping Dan hits no bumps while I try to get my ( Sh-t) together ….. For those of you who don't know I am only 47 ( for some reason i thought i was 48 -lol) so no soc. sec. benefits for me…. my income is derived from care taking for Dan -- so I need to slow down and plan a little before i move to quick --- will probably need to look at selling the house. And that is much better done in ND in the summer…  To Sue - as you know - almost always you have been where I am going or AM -- I am relieved that you have had the disconnection feeling -- that is the #1 issue for me… this dreamlike state -- i can't see , but i can see… I can clip dans nails - so I can see… but will miss the bottle of water setting right next to me…  or can block out the grandchild crying and not even consider ( the grandchildren) as part of my responsibility.. and they are - they are !! but where as before i felt aggravation towards them now i feel " disconnected " from them… what kind of grandma - is this ?? breaks my heart… since my mom was the ultimate grandma and mom… making me miss her so badly…. god she was gone so quick , running my errands when dan stroked ---- WHY - WHY  would she have to go when i needed her the very most … well i guess i am going through some of the stages of grief … I just hope I can get through this… my getting further counciling depends on me having money for that counciling which depends on dan staying home - which of course is part of the whole issue -- so around and around we will go…...

Nancy, one thing.   Do NOT let Dan get away with his bad behaviour by saying/thinking "it's the stroke/the stroke wins again" - that is a license to kill and absovlves him of any wrong.    He is not above showing respect and consideration, unless you allow him to think he is.   Don't do it.    You build a monster when you give him that 'ok because it's not his fault, it's the stroke'.

Nancy, you have a lot on your plate and sometimes it's just very hard to make a day and think straight too without some real resting days and of course at night.

Then with your mom passing that is hard enough by itself to get over her being gone!!! I hope things get better real soon and you can get your rest day and nights!!!!

agonizing choices to make -- do i make morgage payments… do i pay the electric bill - or do i place dan in the nursing home--- I will need to change my life style again… working outside the home isn't gonna work… if i am gonna care for dan i need to do a better job, routine is vital - and we have that, but it is not necessarily a good productive routine - so changes must be made - and me quiting my out of home job is a must…. damn it anyway - i enjoyed it . but someone previously said me doing that makes me get that "taste" of normal making me hunger for more…. so i either shut the door on normal ( what is that anyway right) and do what i got to do to survive --- i was lucky enough to have phone mentoring with debbie and colleen and get back to the stroke mentality… and how to deal with it …. and sandy reminded me - stop feeding the monster and i will not - as long as dan cooperates and is making the effort to not go to the nursing home… participate in a productive routine at home - no more laying around - than i guess , i can do my level best to turn a new leaf as well… sandy -- debbie, colleen throw your thoughts at me… I need them and value them -- our little group goes a long way back --- and it is priceless … to all i don't know as well…. thank you and thank you all input is terrific - i need it all….. nancyl

and outside of the money issue -- i just don't think could give up yet--- I love dan - unfortunately more as the man i agreed to in sickness and in health-- than as a spouse ( that door closed a while ago although we tried) the person he is and has become is not a husband, but more of a completion of a bond of life…. ( don't cry for me - it is who i am) … I will do my level best … i have to - or i can't live with the me i have become….so there is all that, in terms of the why i can't give up just yet… dan gets one more solid try--- why - we are both young…. me, more so, but--- also since we changed up his meds he has been clearer a bit better… just in time for me to be "wrecked" but maybe that is the way it is supposed to be… my health issues have brought a type of confusion to my life that provides me a small view of the confusion i am sure he feels… i see how easily aggravated i get, how confused i am , how i can't sleep, how helpless, hopeless i feel… no control, no one really understands… maybe this affliction is not a affliction but maybe a chance to see what dan see's ….. yes i am being logical and whimsical all at once… wish i had answers, but given the fact medical science hasn't helped much - i guess i am looking for some silver in the lining…. lets see what happens -- either a flame of a wreck or maybe another view - or level of acceptance of the stroke and consequences and outcomes… maybe i will learn something - or not...

How can I describe it?  First, a sort of denial I guess, that your life is so unlike most other people's but you still walk the earth.  I also try to think of it as a payback for all the good times we had, in a weird sort of way.  I mean, there WERE good times, right, it's just hard to remember at this point.  Yin and yang.  We were chosen to go to a higher plane of existence, not everyone gets to be enlightened in their current lifetime.

And so on.  At least that's the kind of stuff I tell myself when I'm laying in bed at 3 AM and not able to sleep.

truth 

Nancy please take care of yourself and ask for help.  You have us here and we are all on your side so come and vent get it off your chest and just breath.

For me it was at the beginning of Don's stroke so I had the time to grieve the us that we had planned the dreams that were smashed down.  I can remember that feeling of helplessness that my world would never be right.

I think you are on the right path with talking with people and making sure that you are healthy, it's so hard at first to get all the things done and make sure that you are taking care of yourself.  You have hit the wall and need to take care of you and remember that you are worth it  Hard to do? YOU BET !!! but you have travel a hard road called care giving and  I think that you are stronger than you THINK and braver then you KNOW

Take care and join us in chat we miss you

Sally

Nancy, I do think it's easier to cope with one big lifestyle change than to try to run in and out of the 'normal' world.   I think I've said that before.    As long as Dan behaves and you don't take no bad off him, you can do this.   You've done it before, but you were not scattered in so many directions before.   He has to be in on making it work 100% and you do too.   Total focus on making the new normal work, or it's a free for all.   Love you darling, focus on health this year, not on adding more to your plate.

Nancy, please know that you are in my prayer.  Like Sandy said, stress can kill. My doctor used to warn me when my blood pressure would be so high. I was a worrier, like worry is going to help? 

  Know that you have people here who care, and just want you to get better. So first let's get your health better, cause if you don't feel well, everything seems so dark and helpless. Get well my dear, then look at if it is the right thing to put Dan in a home, if you should get another job?  Do one thing at a time.

God bless, keep in touch

Love and hugs on its way

Yvonne

Nancy,  I can only offer a ((((hug)))) for support and keep you and Dan in our prayers.   One day at a time has been my saving grace.  I can't look farther down the road or I'd have never made it this far.  

Sarah