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well..New beginnings right?


ksmith

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Hello all. It's been a looong while since I've blogged. My DVR ( Disability Vocational Rehabilitation) coach had passed the idea to me about blogging. I'm not very good at this but here ya go. I talk a lot but I really don't like talking a lot about me. Honestly. I'll ice the cake as they say but don't like to make the filing. ( crap.. Sassy got my thinking of food)) :wish:

 

Most, if not all of you know I'm divorced and am living with my family. I enjoy immensely being there. I have a good relationship with them. I tend to forget that I'm a mother, of two boys,and 40. It's like I', reliving my teen years which I have no memory of. My parents aren't treating as a 'kid' but rather I am. I have to keep reminding myself that I'm old enough to take care of myself, if circumstances were different.

 

The troubling part of this, and I may have said this before, is I'm not heart broken. As a result of my stroke , I've lost a incredible amount of my memories and coincidentally the first 9 years of being my ex-husband. So after the stroke, unbeknownst to me, there was a matter which divided myself and him. Despite that he stood by my side as my cheerleader for the first 5 years of my stroke. So we are still incredibility close friends and I'm still super close to his family. I mean 15 years if hard to throw away.. or is it?

 

As the time passes, its horrible to say but the memories and closeness I shared with his father is starting to fade. And it scares me. I realize it's not my fault and I'm not to worry myself about that for as long as the people in my life aw aware of my memory issues, the have to understand that there are some things out of mt control, such as this.

 

I've been so very proud of the positive stance I've taken on so many things. There was something I read that stuck with me and that was; The person who tries to make everyone happy is normally the one in the most pain'

That really hit a chord with me because I have admitted and have been told I tend to see life through rose colored lenses. That​ always isn't a bad thing but I maybe seeing life with not a care in the world and that scares me..This may sound pretentious but I never had to pay for health insurance, bills and now I think the reality is coming at me full force. I'm not being asked to move out of my parents. I'm just venting I guess for If I talk about it in the end I work it out.

 

So I'm currently at my ex husbands house helping out getting our son up ad to and from school while he is working. He works past the time of Latched Kay after school programs. Now here is the issue i have. I don't mind helping out.. I don't really do anything anyway. BUT.. if I wanted.. I can't but i also know he is my son and I never had the joint custody thing. The plus is he doesn't expect me to do housework,cook only for my son and I. He's still the same easy going understanding guys who watched me start off from scratch to what I am now. He has been informed when I find a job, I can't make all these trips. My only fear is, and we've not talked about it as of yet , is I'll tell him I can't help anymore for gas and travel and exhaustion, I'll be basically cut out. My therapist told me i will always be his mom, i get that. Many of my family have made the observation that once he had a child, that was it. Now I'm sure that's not the case but I have nothing to judge that on for I don't remember. So here lies the conundrum.

 

Thanks for letting me ramble.

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Kelly :

 

welcome to therapeutic world of blogging. I feel you have to do what is best for your son. you are helping your ex not for him but for your son, so it does not matter how his relationship is with you. you both have to do what is good for your child. You can of-course tell him that to provide help you will need to be paid for your expenses. there is no shame in asking for that, you are on limited income. I am sure he will understand

 

Asha

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Kelli, my call too, ask for the expenses, you have no income he does so it is his place to reimburse you.You are doing the best for your son and I'll bet he loves your company and that will pay off in the future when he brings home the grandbabies...lol.

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Hey congrats on venting!! Now go have your cake and eat it too! You sound like you know what you want and it is ok to go get it or try to anyway. Yes you are an adult and a mother and you deserve to treat yourself and have others view you as the strong capable person you are regardless of whether or not you cook and clean-- most celebrity divas certainly don't do that anyway!  And sheesh memories for the average person are rewritten and selective anyhow and who knows whether or not your lack of them are a blessing or a hindrance but if you need to have some feedback then I would suggest with my limited crystal ball here that you speak with your parents who sound like they are sure to be biased and judgmental on your behalf and best interest which may be protective of you!  I also am a big believer in trusting instinct which I think holds our gut feelings based on some intuition and memories and other self protective things and shoot we want what we want!

Being a parent is never easy and I think that it takes a community of help so I wouldn't ever feel that your part as MOM is undermined by anything you have not been able to do because of stroke. You are there loving him and providing all those MOM things for him that he doesn't get anywhere else!  When and where all that happens is up to you and many moms work so don't feel guilty if you go off and do some things for yourself while being MOM too.  If you need help with expenses then who better to ask than ex husband to help you visit with your son as I am sure he wants you there when you can be. Perhaps he could bring son to your house too? What ever you choose and that is a key phrase please keep that "people pleasing" phrase in mind---you are so intelligent and brilliantly shining and asking for help is not selfish and expecting some things from others is part of life and a good quality of life.

 

Thanks for sharing this because I too struggle with people pleasing and now feel guilty for needing, wanting and expecting.  I can't imagine losing parts of my life through memory loss but it sounds like it has been both a reliever of pain and stress and perhaps a bit of the cause of some. I can't imagine what the answers are but I can encourage you to keep being the wonderful soul you are and enjoy having what sounds like a wonderful family life without any guilt, You play a valuable role in your home and to the people around you, and the people on here with your wonderful playful personality, sense of wisdom, and kind sharing heart.

 

I hope you keep on blogging !!!!!

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