Hello all. It's been a looong while since I've blogged. My DVR ( Disability Vocational Rehabilitation) coach had passed the idea to me about blogging. I'm not very good at this but here ya go. I talk a lot but I really don't like talking a lot about me. Honestly. I'll ice the cake as they say but don't like to make the filing. ( crap.. Sassy got my thinking of food)) :wish:
Most, if not all of you know I'm divorced and am living with my family. I enjoy immensely being there. I have a good relationship with them. I tend to forget that I'm a mother, of two boys,and 40. It's like I', reliving my teen years which I have no memory of. My parents aren't treating as a 'kid' but rather I am. I have to keep reminding myself that I'm old enough to take care of myself, if circumstances were different.
The troubling part of this, and I may have said this before, is I'm not heart broken. As a result of my stroke , I've lost a incredible amount of my memories and coincidentally the first 9 years of being my ex-husband. So after the stroke, unbeknownst to me, there was a matter which divided myself and him. Despite that he stood by my side as my cheerleader for the first 5 years of my stroke. So we are still incredibility close friends and I'm still super close to his family. I mean 15 years if hard to throw away.. or is it?
As the time passes, its horrible to say but the memories and closeness I shared with his father is starting to fade. And it scares me. I realize it's not my fault and I'm not to worry myself about that for as long as the people in my life aw aware of my memory issues, the have to understand that there are some things out of mt control, such as this.
I've been so very proud of the positive stance I've taken on so many things. There was something I read that stuck with me and that was; The person who tries to make everyone happy is normally the one in the most pain'
That really hit a chord with me because I have admitted and have been told I tend to see life through rose colored lenses. That always isn't a bad thing but I maybe seeing life with not a care in the world and that scares me..This may sound pretentious but I never had to pay for health insurance, bills and now I think the reality is coming at me full force. I'm not being asked to move out of my parents. I'm just venting I guess for If I talk about it in the end I work it out.
So I'm currently at my ex husbands house helping out getting our son up ad to and from school while he is working. He works past the time of Latched Kay after school programs. Now here is the issue i have. I don't mind helping out.. I don't really do anything anyway. BUT.. if I wanted.. I can't but i also know he is my son and I never had the joint custody thing. The plus is he doesn't expect me to do housework,cook only for my son and I. He's still the same easy going understanding guys who watched me start off from scratch to what I am now. He has been informed when I find a job, I can't make all these trips. My only fear is, and we've not talked about it as of yet , is I'll tell him I can't help anymore for gas and travel and exhaustion, I'll be basically cut out. My therapist told me i will always be his mom, i get that. Many of my family have made the observation that once he had a child, that was it. Now I'm sure that's not the case but I have nothing to judge that on for I don't remember. So here lies the conundrum.
Thanks for letting me ramble.