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trying to glue shattered glass, while blind

nancyl

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so the lexapro finally has the anxiety under control …… so i don't sit and just tingle and be hypervigilent all day… I went to the doc the other day who just gave me the most genuine smile and a sigh. H e said I wasn't sure I would see you again. Apparently many people who enter the blackness I did just never come out of it or commit suicide… I guess I have been suffering from the true black depression , not the blues but the kind that actually alters your reality..mine did… my body felt literally no pIN EVER FROM ANY THING - WHILE MOST DEPRESSED PEOPLE feel aches and terrible pain, my brain said hey lets just just her sensations off… some gets theirs turned on overload mine got shut off…. I guess if the brain can do it one way it can do it the other……. In the deepest part i understood suicide - i never once though of it as a choice for me , but i understood why it is done…. the pain of the blackness and feeling so alone is overwhelming… even when someone is ruth there next to you. In the end it comes down to your deepest thoughts of life… I bear no judgement for a person who would choose to take their own life - after sitting in the pit of hell myself- …… I would have been absolutely painless any method used would not have mattered one bit - it just wouldn't have hurt…. all a person wants is the pain of being alive and being responsible for so much, and the loneliness to end……… Any how that is my description of "where" I have been….. finally through a diligent friend wendy and my boss - I managed to get the medication i needed - stop the anxiety and at least then you can deal with life a little bit…. I also had another friend eliza who literally makes me go out with her… seems wrong, but it is not ---- i clearly see where agoraphobia ( fear of leaving home) could come knocking … so we go out to a safe place and meet people who know i am struggling .. with my life….. I have managed to finally ire a lady who does her actual job… she has been getting dan to eat…. and her and a bath lady shower him twice a week….. I am also extremely deficient in vitamin d ( 18) -- should be 30 to 100) so although i do take a supplement i might be a person who needs the sun-- so now i am tanning.. another thing eliza drags me to… I also managed a pretty magnificent thing while being so wrecked…. I me a band in Las Vegas ( ashley Red) -- good clean decent guys…… made connections for them to come to ND and play ---- this began months ago but cumulated in the middle of the depression …. so, i had to put on my smiling face ( and i was happy / but depression isn't like that--happy does not equal not depressed) and play hostess… again had awesome friends who helped pull this off.. they were well received and they are coming back in mid march and again in late june…...

so no we move on to depression what is ? I sure don't know but it isn't what I thought it was… it is like it attacks the most vulnerable part of you.. i like my sharpness, my wits… we'll depression dulled them a LOT….. i can't see things right in front of me…. i know over things constant and yet test my eyes they are perfect…. the physical part of the tingling all over - wow… that was nuts…. I felt drunk all the time… really -- really …..That is depression to me… and the abject loneliness…. and i would have old memories resurface i kinda thought the memories where a few months old , but on close in section they where 4 years old ( stroke hit 4 years ago ) wow - my girlfriend said you are remembering now and taking the time to "feel" them…. you had no time to feel anything life was moving so fast for so long your brain could just store it…. but at some point now - the brain burnt up got to tired and just has to get it out of their and make me deal with life….. so I am mourning a lll i have lost, mom, lost relationships ( the 14 yr old is now 18) new children ( babies to have grown) -- loss of a pretty decent paying job that i knew well and all the friendships i had there…. Loss of at least one brother whom i have never heard from after moms funeral ….the farm, it is hard to believe it is gone…… my freedom - i must make aggangement before i do anything leaving the house,,,,, my friendships as they were ( my scott, my shane, my frank, my andy) all have moved on and so they should but that is where they where when i left them 4 years ago… somehow in our brains infinite wisdom - it starting shrouding my brain from pain the moment i heard the words your husband is not gonna make it….. i hit the floor and some angels must haver covered me up… oh i cried , i felt. i lost dan then i just didn't know i lost him…… he is a different person… less than a hand full of things exist that make him who he is at his core…… I know I have decisions to make and i will. but first i must reagin my own health and at least now that i have good help the rush isn't on any more…..

So i sit on the floor going through the bass pieces of who i was - and every now and then i find a piece i remember and i smile and i try really hard to make that piece fit…. the ones that won't fit anyone will just need to blown away with the wind…...



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nancy,

I am so glad that you found the medicine to help you thru that. I was so worried about you. Always take care of yourself. It is hard. I have to tell william constantly. I need to take care of myself. Or who be around to take care of you. Time does go too quickly when your life is filled with care taking. It is one day at a time. You stop to think and years have passed.

You are amazing. Take care of yourself. I pray for you constantly. Ruth

 

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Nancy, basically you have to survive and Dan has to survive too.  It is hard to know that we are weak, vulnerable and really don't have many of the answers but that is how it is and we can accept it and go forward or deny it to our detriment.  Experience talking here.  Going through a sad patch myself, (family issues) but the grit I got through the caregiver journey will help me through this too.

 

(((hugs))) from Sue.

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Glad you have found some medicine to begin to help you feel better and some true friends to "drag" you around to do things that are good for you! I have always enjoyed reading your blog, I felt so sorry for you and Dan when you first started posting about your depression.

 

Strokes are just terribly devastating for the people who have them and the caretakers.

 

Keep taking care of yourself physically and mentally! My prayers and thoughts are with you! 

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Nancy, you are getting better.   Now maybe you will actually get a chance to put these pieces together, rather than just rolling with the big out of control snowball that caught you as it flew down the hill.    The great thing is that getting better snowballs too.   The little better you get, the more it takes the next step toward getting a little better again, then again.  

 

We all got hit by that snowball, so we understand each other well.

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still very addled minded… can't seem to get a clear mind….. i have been in survival mode and 4 years passed on me - and now the autopilot switch is off….. i am lost like the blind lady glueing away….. i gave the lexapro 4.5 weeks and never did get a "clear vision " and the anxiety attacks returned…. on a mother drug, pretty new called brintellix….. only been a few days . will wait and see, in all honesty i am sick and tired of it all….Dan is doing alright , but even he looks at me like i am Kukoo…. who would have though i would have wanted the me of 6 months ago back, but at least she was a functional human being….. 

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Nancy, you and Dan have always been in my prayers. Take it easy my dear. You

have been though a lot. Take it easy nice and slow.

 

Hugs Yvonne

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