Big Troubles Easier Than the Little Bothers in Life
I started back to school. I am walking slowly around campus to my classroom with my ATV (my name for the beautiful burgundy four wheeled walker) and it has a little compartment under the seat for storage and I bought a little mini back pack that I can fasten on it rather than the expensive storage holders sold online. I hang a cloth lunch bag on it to hold my coffee cup and water bottle which I can't ever be without and my medicine bag which of course is a pretty cosmetic bag. I am all set up. Right now I need to get a nice light computer so I am looking around. I don't like the ipad stuff and I have a notebook but it is heavy compared to what is out there now. I am on a really tight budget so I am looking for a bargain too. So if anyone has a word of recommendation for what they use or would use if buying I sure could use a tip because I think that for stroke recovery using a computer is vital. I put my notes on powerpoints so I can sort and remember better.
Anyway school is both a stress and a relaxation for me. So nice to be out in real life clothes and have a place to go and show off my new nail polish collection I got for christmas. And it is a stress to be up and showered (that is more work than it used to be) and to get there on time. Not to mention homework projects. I am both grateful for something other than medical this and medical that to think about and at the same time I feel like a fish out of water too old and too fragile to be in this room but then I get there and we talk together and we are always eating for some reason in my classes sheesh. I have fun I must admit. Even though I have two teaching presentations to do coming up and I am scared stiff I still am enjoying myself. I say that but I cry alot over this too. I am really emo these days and the slightest thing can take hold of me and become a bloomin anxiety that i feel as a physical knot in my chest wall and I have to really focus on some mindfulness to get rid of it.
I am having a terrible time with family these days. I am always needing help and wanting this and that and they are having their own issues as caregivers of course. I am not easy to deal with and then again neither are they. We are just not accustomed to being in eachother's way so much. I am like a nuisance when I start doing something and then need help finishing and they want things on some schedule. Well I don't know when I will want a piece of toast and it may not be on a schedule anywhere. Little attitudes build up and when I hear we need to talk I know that I am going to be in trouble for something. I feel reduced to a child. Except that I still have grown up responsibilities.
I was in an argument the other day and I felt light headed and lost my balance and fell lightly not hurt but my pride. I can't even have a good argument anymore. I can't handle real stress either. I have to guard my emotions for many reasons. The other is that I have to keep my hand over my mouth because I am way too honest sometime but that also takes a toll because then I hold it in so I have a journal to vent in and I have to keep it hidden so no one is hurt. blackmail material. I don't know what to do sometimes because I feel I am not allowed to express myself or it is complaining and not being grateful and that is how it is taken by others so they tell me. So now I haven't said anything about the christmas decorations still up in Feb but it is on my nerves. Just little bothers like that and I can't take care of it myself which is frustrating.And then I get the rolling eyes like I just asked for cheese from the moon when I want something. Loss of freedom and ability is going to take some getting used to.
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