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Big Troubles Easier Than the Little Bothers in Life


SassyBetsy

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I started back to school. I am walking slowly around campus to my classroom with my ATV (my name for the beautiful burgundy four wheeled walker) and it has a little compartment under the seat for storage and I bought a little mini back pack that I can fasten on it rather than the expensive storage holders sold online. I hang a cloth lunch bag on it to hold my coffee cup and water bottle which I can't ever be without and my medicine bag which of course is a pretty cosmetic bag. I am all set up. Right now I need to get a nice light computer so I am looking around. I don't like the ipad stuff and I have a notebook but it is heavy compared to what is out there now. I am on a really tight budget so I am looking for a bargain too. So if anyone has a word of recommendation for what they use or would use if buying I sure could use a tip because I think that for stroke recovery using a computer is vital. I put my notes on powerpoints so I can sort and remember better.

 

Anyway school is both a stress and a relaxation for me. So nice to be out in real life clothes and have a place to go and show off my new nail polish collection I got for christmas. And it is a stress to be up and showered (that is more work than it used to be) and to get there on time. Not to mention homework projects. I am both grateful for something other than medical this and medical that to think about and at the same time I feel like a fish out of water too old and too fragile to be in this room but then I get there and we talk together and we are always eating for some reason in my classes sheesh. I have fun I must admit. Even though I have two teaching presentations to do coming up and I am scared stiff I still am enjoying myself. I say that but I cry alot over this too. I am really emo these days and the slightest thing can take hold of me and become a bloomin anxiety that i feel as a physical knot in my chest wall and I have to really focus on some mindfulness to get rid of it.

 

I am having a terrible time with family these days. I am always needing help and wanting this and that and they are having their own issues as caregivers of course. I am not easy to deal with and then again neither are they. We are just not accustomed to being in eachother's way so much. I am like a nuisance when I start doing something and then need help finishing and they want things on some schedule. Well I don't know when I will want a piece of toast and it may not be on a schedule anywhere. Little attitudes build up and when I hear we need to talk I know that I am going to be in trouble for something. I feel reduced to a child. Except that I still have grown up responsibilities.

I was in an argument the other day and I felt light headed and lost my balance and fell lightly not hurt but my pride. I can't even have a good argument anymore. I can't handle real stress either. I have to guard my emotions for many reasons. The other is that I have to keep my hand over my mouth because I am way too honest sometime but that also takes a toll because then I hold it in so I have a journal to vent in and I have to keep it hidden so no one is hurt. blackmail material. I don't know what to do sometimes because I feel I am not allowed to express myself or it is complaining and not being grateful and that is how it is taken by others so they tell me. So now I haven't said anything about the christmas decorations still up in Feb but it is on my nerves. Just little bothers like that and I can't take care of it myself which is frustrating.And then I get the rolling eyes like I just asked for cheese from the moon when I want something. Loss of freedom and ability is going to take some getting used to.

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Pam :

 

I give credit to my teenager & hubby for my good recovery & being able to do everything myself with just one hand. I think being impatient & not waiting for things to get done in their time made me able to do more for myself & our family. So even though it was frustrating at the time. I can look back & thank them for  my amazing independence & able to find work around to do things one handed. I  was so happy when I figured out how to drain pasta one handed that I even blogged about it lol

 

Asha

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I can only give you the caregiver perspective.    Way before my husband had his stroke, a close friend had one.   I was the main one to help her.  

 

She wanted everything done like she always did it, NOW.   Only thing was it was easy for her to say it, but for me, I couldn't keep my own house and yet was trying to jump around on command for her.   I killed myself for her, and she was always complaining and saying do this, do that.   I had health problems of my own, that kept me from doing MY work, and going to the store as much as I needed to for myself.  Yet I busted my rump to take her to the store, where she cussed me out and complained bitterly the entire time.   I felt like I was being punished for helping her.   She told me I didn't know how hard it was to be in a wheelchair.   I told her she didn't know how hard it was to be the one pushing the wheel chair.  

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